Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003)
[Talking about naming Del's baby]
Trigger: If it's a girl they're gonna name it Sigourney, after the actress. And if it's a boy they're gonna name him Rodney, after Dave.
Boycie: Where d'you get those aces from?
Del Boy: Same place you got those kings. I always knew you were cheating, Boycie.
Boycie: Yeah, how?
Del Boy: 'Cause that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.
Rodney: Trigger what are you doing here?
Trigger: Well Dave, Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.
Rodney: Oh I suppose that's... Hold on, you live closer to the pub then we do?
Trigger: Yeah I know, but Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.
Rodney: But Trigger, you've had walk past the pub to get to our flat!
Trigger: I know, but Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.
Uncle Albert: During the war...
Del Boy: [interupts Albert] If you say during the war one more time, I'll pour this cup of tea over your head.
Uncle Albert: During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany.
Rodney: If there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me.
Del Boy: Don't worry, Rodney. This time next year, we'll be millionaires!
Rodney: This time last WEEK we were millionaires!
Grandad: Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top. Then again, he always said Millwall would win the cup.
[about making a film called "There's a Rhino loose in the city"]
Del Boy: It's a love story and a who done it!
Rodney: Everyone knows who done it! There's 30 dead people with Rhino tramps all over them, there's a lock up with 2 foot pile of Rhino dung and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!
Trigger: Problems, Dave?
Rodney: I don't want to talk about it Trig. You ever been wrongly accused of something?
Trigger: Yeah once.
Rodney: Yeah, How did you get out of it?
Trigger: Well I didn't - I was guilty.
Del Boy: What're you doing?
Grandad: I'm trying to get the Dukes of Hazzard.
Del Boy: The Dukes of... That is a microwave oven, you dozy old twonk! Gordon Bennett, you'll be putting frozen pizzas into the portable next!
Uncle Albert: Is that the radio I hear, Rodney?
Rodney: No, Elton John popped in and he's rehearsing in the kitchen!
Trigger: What you up to Dave?
Rodney: I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor.
Trigger: No words to this song Dave?
Rodney: No Trigger, it's an instrumental.
Del Boy: All right Trigger? What you doing?
Trigger: I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor.
Del Boy: Okay.
Trigger: It's the karaoke version.
Trigger: When we was at school Del was the best at Chemistry. He used to sell home-made fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.
Denzil: Yes I remember. I was doing detention in there at the time.
Mike Fisher: [Del and Rodney are trying to sell Mike a computer] What exactly does that mean?
Del Boy: Well it means you can... you can... tell him what it means, Rodney.
Del Boy: He's taken a course in this, he came top of his class.
Rodney: Well, in 'layman's' terms it means you can, em, well, you er, you can record all your business deals.
Mike Fisher: I spend half my life trying to hide my business deals. So the last thing I want is to have 'em all recorded on a floppy bloody disc! I'm not interested. Ask Trigger.
Rodney: Trigger? With a computer? Do me a favour, he's still struggling with light switches!
Rodney: We didn't know the fancy dress had been cancelled.
Trigger: Me neither.
Rodney: You mean, that's your costume?
Trigger: Yeah. I came as a chauffeur. I feel a bit stupid now.
Rodney: Yeah, you do stand out.
Rodney: [referring to a pile of broken lawnmower engines] Oi, Del... me and Mickey might have a problem getting these back to our depot. We come down on the Green Line, see?
Del Boy: Right, well, your best bet would be to hire an open-backed truck.
Rodney: Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what we thought, but... we were wondering if you could take a couple in the back of the van.
Del Boy: Back of my van? You must be joking. I've only just cleared 'em out of the van!
Rodney: You mean you were selling 'em in the first place?
Del Boy: Yeah. That is the rubbish that Alfie Flowers sold me last week. Normally I'd never have bought it but, you know, he caught me when I was a bit non compost mentis down the one-eleven club. I never thought I'd get shot of 'em, Rodney, but you know me; he who dares wins. I actually made quite a tidy little profit on it and all.
Rodney: And what are we supposed to do with them?
Del Boy: Well, why don't you do what I did? Find yourselves a couple of right little plonkers with cash on the hip.
Del Boy: [after Uncle Albert's suggested Rodney put himself up as a hooker] Rodney can't even *give* it away, let alone flog it!
Rodney: [after getting his old job back at Trotters Independent Traders] What will be my title?
Del Boy: We'll call you Lord Rodney!
Rodney: I meant company title!
[after realizing Delboy was going a little bit TOO far out on the ocean on a Jet-Ski]
Rodney: He's going a long way out!
Rico: Yeah! But he's enjoying himself!
Rodney: Yeah I know that but Del can't even swim.
Salavatorie: BUT I THOUGHT HE SAID HE HAD A CERTIFICATE FOR SWIMMING!
Rodney: Well he does... but it ain't his!
Uncle Albert: Keep the noise down will yer, I can hardly hear this!
Del Boy: Shut up you saucy old git.
Rodney: Well, even if you could hear it, you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian!
Uncle Albert: In 1959 I was in Bombay!
Del Boy: You carry on much longer by tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction.
Uncle Albert: But I like this kind of music!
Del Boy: Ah! Oh yeah, look at that Rodney. It's one of his favourites that is. That's that good old fashioned sing-along number, Knees Up Mother Patel.
Rodney: [to Del] You were declared bankrupt. You have been banned from running any company from sitting on any boards or dealing with any shares. They don't even want you past the Stock Exchange on a bike! And you owe the Inland Revenue over £50,000.
Boycie: If Elsie Partridge really could raise the dead half the money lenders in Peckham would be employing her.
Del Boy: There's no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes.
Grandad: Did you play cards again last night?
Del Boy: What? Yes! You know me Grandad! He who dares, wins.
Grandad: How'd you get on?
Del Boy: I lost.
Rodney: [talking about how to get a date with a beautiful woman] Just be yourself.
Del Boy: Oh, leave it out, Rodney; I wanna be in with at least half a chance!
Rodney: [after he and Mickey Pearce have bought a heap of broken lawnmower engines] Oi, you! This stuff is a load of rubbish!
Del Boy: I know. I did try to warn you.
Rodney: Well... yeah... but I thought ...
Del Boy: Yeah, well, the trouble with you, Rodney, is that you will insist on thinking!
Rodney: [Del has had a hang-gliding accident and is in a wheelchair surrounded by sympathetic well-wishers] Oh, listen to me for one minute, will you? Hospitals do not send home paralysed people by bus!
Del Boy: [lunging to his feet and seizing Rodney around the neck] You listen to me, you little git! I may never walk again! I may...
Del Boy: Though I must admit I'm getting some feeling back.
Grandad: [Grandad is talking to an urn containing the ashes of Trigger's grandfather] I mean, I dunno why I'm even talking to you about this, Arthur, 'cause I know you can't hear me.
Del Boy: [picking up a traffic cone and using it as a loudspeaker] That is what *you* think, Trotter!
Grandad: Arthur? You mean... you can hear me?
Del Boy: You're coming through louder than a CB. Rubber duck.
Grandad: Oh, Arthur, I... I really am sorry about what happened all them years ago.
Del Boy: Ah, but how do I know that you mean it?
Grandad: Oh, I do, Arthur. I'd do anything to prove it to you.
Del Boy: All right then. Tell me where your money's hidden.
Grandad: I ain't got no money!
Del Boy: Oh, don't give me that, you lying old git! I know you're all right for a few bob, and I want to know where it is hidden.
Grandad: It's in me suitcase under me bed.
Del Boy: No it ain't; I've looked.
Rodney: They might publish your diaries one day, Del. I reckon that could be a winner. I don't believe you sometimes! Why did you do that?
Del Boy: He Who Dares Wins, I've always been the same!
Rodney: Well, this time I reckon that He Who Dared cocked it right up!
Marlene: Albert, you must have come back with more medals than the Russian Olympic squad!
Uncle Albert: Oh I didn't ask for 'em! They kept giving 'em to me!
Raquel Turner: [to Del after seeing Del-Boy punch out her flatmate] Why the hell did you do that?
Del Boy: It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, Raquel. It's all right. You don't have to be frightened of the Great Ramondo no more - Del Boy is here?
Rodney: [whistles the opening bar to "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"]
Uncle Albert: During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany - I was sailing on a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in the Adriatic. Now in those days a ship's crew was full of stress and fear.
Del Boy: Especially when they saw you walking up the gangplank!
Uncle Albert: So our old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to allay all those fears by creating a counter-worry. Like one day he announced there was a cholera epidemic on the ship.
Del Boy: I bet that cheered you all up, didn't it?
Uncle Albert: It took their minds off the U-boats and sharks.
Del Boy: Well, thanks for that, Unc. It's lucky your Captain Kenworthy never became a Samaritan. You wouldn't be able to get a tug under Chelsea Bridge for falling bodies!
Del Boy: [to Rodney] You uncaring little git! I could be on me last knockings here and you don't give a toss if I've got yellow fever or foot-fungus!
Del Boy: [talking about one of Del's mates] That bloke's come on a bundle in the last few years. That man is at the front of new technological frontiers. He's got a Queen's Award for industry plaque and all.
Rodney: I know. I was there when you sold it to him.
Grandad: [talking to the Police] Rodney's got a police record!
Del Boy: [quickly] Yes, er... it's "Walking on the Moon".
Rodney: I could do with another blanket here, I'm freezing.
Del Boy: Yeah it is a bit cold.
Uncle Albert: Cold? You bits of kids don't know the meaning of the word. You should have been with me on the Russian convoys. One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.
Del Boy: [after getting off a plane in Spain for winning a contest that is not all that legit] Well, before we get checked in I have gotta tell you something Rodney. This contest isn't quite as pucker as I made it out to be.
Cassandra Parry: Well he did win didn't he?
Rodney: [looking at the other winners] That's strange that is.
Del Boy: What is?
Rodney: Well I noticed it on the plane but it didn't quite register. Their all Mum's and Dad's. They have brought their kids with them.
Del Boy: It's not the parents who are the winners Rodder's... it's the kids. You see Rodney's painting won... in the under 15 years old category.
Cassandra Parry: So they think Rodney's 15?
Del Boy: Nah! No, No, No. They think your 14!
Rodney: [pointing at Uncle Albert] Well it's his fault isn't it?
Uncle Albert: [to Del] What's he on about now?
Del Boy: Oh I don't bleedin know, do I?
Rodney: Look, every single battleship, cruiser and merchant ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed of dive-bombed... and two of them in peace-time! I'm telling you Del, that man is a jinx!
Del Boy: Oh leave it out Rodney. You'll be burning Witches next!
Del Boy: I keep all the stuff I never intend to see in this old shed.
Uncle Albert: Why have you got this deep sea divers suit for, Del?
Del Boy: I bought it so you can go down and visit all the ships you sailed on you git!
Del Boy: Now look Rodney, Raquel, Raquel is a lady and when a lady is ready to... well, when she's ready to, she will let me know.
Del Boy: Well, she'll give me a sign or something.
Rodney: Like what?
Del Boy: [thinks] I dunno.
Rodney: Maybe she'll put an announcement in the Sunday Sport.
Raquel Turner: Eat your breakfast, Del.
Del Boy: [looking at the plate] I thought the doctor said all this fried stuff was bad for my veins?
Raquel Turner: Eat your breakfast, Del!
Uncle Albert: [after looking at an old WW2 photo of Uncle Albert's] Just a few hours after that photo was taken we was in action.
Del Boy: That's all you need, innit?
Uncle Albert: There was an American aircraft-carrier, anchored off-shore. The USS Pittsburgh. It was our job to protect her. Well, we'd only been sailing for about an hour and we crashed right into her. Cor, didn't half make a noise.
Del Boy: [incredulous] You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect?
Uncle Albert: Yeah. It was a good job she was there actually, she picked up most of the survivors.
Rodney: Was your ship badly damaged?
Uncle Albert: *We* couldn't tell, Rodney, it sunk! Course, they tried to put the blame on me.
Del Boy: Sounds fair.
Uncle Albert: Just 'cos I was on watch at the time. I had me excuses ready!
Rodney: What, were you drunk?
Uncle Albert: Don't be silly! The American vessel was at battle stations and was showing no light. You weren't allowed. There was a war on.
Del Boy: Course there was.
Uncle Albert: So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities, like it happened in broad daylight.
Rodney: You didn't see an aircraft carrier?
Del Boy: Forty-two thousand tons of steel!
Uncle Albert: Well I wasn't close enough!
Rodney: You must have been reasonably close. Unc, you hit it!
Del Boy: They'd have stood more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest!
Del Boy: Oh, no, Raquel. You must never lose sight of your dream! When I was 18, I decided I was gonna be a millionaire by the time I was 21.
Raquel Turner: Really?
Del Boy: Yep... and when I was 21, I said I'd be a millionaire by the time I was 30... and when I was 30...
[referring to the biscuits]
Del Boy: Fancy a Jammy-Dodger?
Uncle Albert: Have you ever thought about joining the navy, Rodney?
Rodney: Well, funnily enough, Unc, *no*! How could I join the navy?
Del Boy: Exactly. In the old days they'd take anyone - well, they took you! But nowadays, you've gotta have a cotchel of qualifications.
[pointing to Rodney]
Del Boy: I mean, what chance would Lawrence of Peckham stand?
Uncle Albert: I don't mean in the Royal navy. I was talking about the merchant. Just imagine it, Rodney. Monday, you sail out of Southhampton Water. Tuesday, you're through the Bay of Biscay. Wednesday, you've rounded Cape St Vincent. Thursday, you dock in Algiers...
Del Boy: [cutting in] And Friday it's your turn in the barrel!
Rodney: [distressed] Eh?
Uncle Albert: There was nothing like that on any of my vessels! A few funny ones but nothing like that!
Rodney: Er... well... I'm a good salesman.
Del Boy: Do me a favor, Rodney! You couldn't flog a black cat to a witch!
Del Boy: Oh, leave it out Rodney, you couldn't flog a black cat to a witch!
Vicar: I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth - but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked, is it?
[Del Boy is trying to sell Christmas trees to him]
Uncle Albert: The Paki shop won't let us have nothing on tick! Says it's part of his culture!
Rodney: Don't think it's got anything to do with the 46 quid we already owe 'em do you?
Del Boy: [after seeing what Rodney had bought with the company money] What's the weather like out?
Uncle Albert: It's parky, Del!
Del Boy: [sarcastic] Good, good! Nice thick frost is there?
Uncle Albert: Bit slippery underfoot, yeah!
Del Boy: Oh, cushty! Nice notherly wind howling in from the Urals is there?
Uncle Albert: Cut's right through you, Del!
Del Boy: Lovely! Because today, Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCEs, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal under-wear, we're gonna make a right killing. Do you know why we're gonna make a right killing? We ain't got woolly underwear!
[produces bottle from box]
Del Boy: *We've* got sun-tan lotion! And we ain't got just a little drop of sun-tan lotion! We've got 500 bloody quids' worth of the stuff!
Rodney: I've told you, I bought it as an investment!
Del Boy: An Investment! Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for 2 million years, with the weatherman laying odds on a new Ice Age - this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire!
Uncle Albert: I was reading in the Sunday papers about them fellas that pick up with these rich old widows - what they call 'em - toy boys! You wanna see the stuff they pick up for presents. Solid gold watches, sports cars - money! Might be worth considering!
Rodney: [Del and Rodney give each other weird glances] Well, we both admire your spirit, Uncle, but don't you think you've left it a bit late for that sort of thing?
Uncle Albert: I'm not talking about me! I meant you!
Rodney: [incredulous] Me? I'm not selling my body to some old tart! Thank you!
Uncle Albert: Not even for the family?
Rodney: Especially not for the family! I'm not going to let myself become some... hooker!
Del Boy: [after Rodney goes on a date with a Policewoman] You know what the most sobering thought of all is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years!
Rodney: Oi, Del, why'd they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun or something?
Del Boy: Na, it's coz he looks like an horse.
Rodney: [after buying defective briefcases] So how do you open these then?
Del Boy: No sod knows, Rodney, that's why they're rejects!
Del Boy: [taking the rise out of Rodney wanting to get a job] Yes, sir, I have qualifications. I have two GCE's, a suspended sentence and I know a good joint when I puffed one!
Rodney: Del, let's just get out! Before I wake up with a bloody horses ead' on me pillow!
Del Boy: Rodney, it's for you.
[passes the phone to him]
Rodney: Who is it?
Del Boy: Richard Branston.
Del Boy: [is trying to impress] I say, how do you spell 'Arrods?
Woman in Club: Capital A.
Del Boy: Yes, capital... oh. Oh, right. Yes. Beam me up, Snotty.
Del Boy: Who are you after? Oh, not the Gruesome Twosome. They're so ugly they even look alike.
Rodney: They happen to be two sisters.
Del Boy: Oh, sisters?
Del Boy: Hey, girls, seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?
Del Boy: [Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting] Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?
Rodney: Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?
Del Boy: Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.
Rodney: No! Did she report it?
Del Boy: Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.
Rodney: Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
Del Boy: Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.