Jeff: Don't let the little head do the thinking for the big head.
Roy L. Fuchs: I'll tell you something. This country is going to the dogs. You know, it used to be when you bought a politician, that son of a bitch stayed bought.
Jim the Mechanic: Maroon car, my ass. This motherfucker's red.
Rudy: So. Roy L... What can I do you for?
Roy L. Fuchs: Uhhh... I'd like to talk to my brother.
Rudy: Well, you're gonna have to talk kinda loud. He left for Miami late last night.
Roy L. Fuchs: Miami?
Rudy: Yeah. Miami Beach.
Roy L. Fuchs: Miami Beach?
Roy L. Fuchs: I know where the fuck Miami Beach is, dummy.
Mr. Chartner: What have I done to the children?
Rudy: C'mon Jeff! You've seen how bad business is. Thanks to Fuchs, our name is mud! Look... we had nuns, protesting out front when I got here this morning.
Rudy: Yeah. I had to have Jim turn the firehose on them.
Big Jim: [holds up the still wet firehose] And I knocked them motherfuckers right on they asses, too.
Angry customer: Fifty bucks never killed anybody .
Rudy: Charlie, I broke my back getting you this deal. You know that...
Charlie: Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
Rudy: [pressing] You're not going to find another deal like this anywhere in town.
Charlie: Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
Rudy: [pleading] We shook hands on this... a deal's a deal.
Charlie: Fifty bucks never...
Rudy: [throws up his hands in mock disgust] Okay Charlie, you got it, you win - I'll see what I can do... But I'm telling ya, my boss sees these figures, he's going to have a stroke.
Charlie: [scoffs] What's he trying to pull? Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
Charlie: [Luke bursts in, red face and clutching his chest - Charlie panics] Okay, it's a deal, it's a deal! I'll sign! I'll sign!
[Rudy is planning to break into a presidential broadcast with a commercial]
Jeff: For Christ's sake, we're fuckin' with the President of the United States.
Rudy: He fucks with us, doesn't he?
Luke Fuchs: $10,000. Is that all it takes to be elected senator these days.
Rudy: Well, that's more like a down payment. After I'm elected its 50-50 on all the graft I take.
Judge H. H. Harrison: For uttering those contemptuous words in my presences, I'm goin' to have your balls in a sling.
[Roy L. and Slaton are discussing Barbara's trial]
Roy L. Fuchs: I can't believe you got Hangin' Judge Harrison. He's not on the take; he's legit.
Sam Slaton: Remember that colored kid that got caught stealing a case of beer?
Roy L. Fuchs: Billy Ray? Billy Ray Washington?
Sam Slaton: [nods] Hangin' Judge Harrison gave him thirty five years hard labor! You need somebody who'll throw the book at this broad. I've paid off all the experts, all the witnesses; I've even got her lawyer on my payroll.
[cut to her attorney, who's fast asleep]
Sam Slaton: I can win this case, Roy... Trust me!
Rudy: Trust me.
[Rudy and Big Jim are watching Barbara's commercial, which has been doctored]
Barbara Jane Fuchs: Come down and see the, uh, mile of cars we have on our lot.
Rudy: Did she just say "mile of cars"? She said she had a "mile of cars".
Big Jim: That's the most blatant claim of false advertising I ever heard in my life...
Judge H. H. Harrison: I know you're seeing the same thing with those beady little eyes I'm seeing, Mr. Slaton. That sure does look like a mile of cars to me.
[President Carter on TV]
President Carter: -high inflation. What is the solution?
[TV cuts to commercial for Luke's yard taking place in Roy's yard]
Jeff: You want the solution to inflation? Hi, friends. Marshall Lucky here for New Deal Used Cars, where we're lowering inflation not only by fighting high prices, not only by murdering high prices, but by blowing the living shit out of high prices. Yessir. Here's an example. It's a 1972 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, for sixty-two ninety-nine. That price is too high.
Jeff: Yessir. Here's another one. It's a Lincoln Continental, Mark IV, 1973. It's loaded. It's got air conditioning. It's got a stereo. It's got white-wall radial tires. It's got power steering, power brakes, power seats, power windows. And a price that is just too high.
[Jim appears on car behind him in costume]
Freddie: [on microphone] Look out, Marshall Lucky. It's High Prices.
Jeff: Take this, you dirty ol' High Prices.
["shoots" Jim, who puts on a very convincing act]
Jim: AHHHH. Ya got me Marshall. Ahhhhh...
Jeff: [shocked] Jesus Christ.
[winks at screen]
Jeff: Yessir, that's New Deal Used Cars... Now wait just a Goddamn minute. What the hell is this? Is this a 1974 Mercedes 450SL for *twenty-four thousand dollars*? That's too fucking high.
[blows up car with dynamite. Roy watches at home]
Roy: You sonova bitch.
Jeff: [laughs] Yessir. We blew the shit out of that over-priced motherfucker just the way we blow the shit out of *all* high prices, down here at New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said? New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said?
[TV cuts back to President]
President Carter: I have heard you, with unmistakable clarity...
Roy: You sonova bitch.
[kicks TV and electrocutes himself]
Rudy: Come on down to New Deal used cars...
Rudy: ...come on down and squeeze on us!
Rudy: Hey, morning, Roy!
[Roy reacts by spitting on a car, and wiping it off]
Rudy: [to himself] Same to you, asshole.
[Rudy puts a bumper sticker of himself on a newly-bought car]
Rudy: You're going to love it, Stan. Trust me.
[the car drives off as the bumper falls off the car]
Rudy: Ah, shit! There goes a perfectly good bumper sticker.
[Jeff digs up mud, and accidentally dumps it on Roy's shoes]
Roy L. Fuchs: Now aren't you a little big to be playing in the fucking mud?
Rudy: Luke told me that if you came around here to have you arrested for trespassing. Now, are you going to leave, or are we going to have to call the cops?
Jeff: Yeah, do we have to call the cops?
Roy L. Fuchs: What are you, a fucking parrot?
Sam Slaton: Come on, Roy. Let's go.
Roy L. Fuchs: Suck-ass son of a bitch.
FBI Inspector: You want to give me that again?
Jeff: Uh, well, yes. As I say, Inspector, I heard this large explosion and I rushed out, I couldn't tell what was going on. I saw the car over there in flames and all these strange little characters, you know, with towels on their heads, weird little goatees and stuff, running around yelling: "Ayatollah, Ayatollah." Then they all got in a car and drove away. I guess it was Iranian students out to discredit the American way of life. I can't imagine who else would do such a thing.
[Rudy notices that some paint has washed off Manuel's cars]
Rudy: Manuei! What the hell are you using; water based paint?
Manuel: Sure. How much rain do we get around here anyway? If you don't like these, I'll get you some others. Here is my inventory.
Rudy: Manuel, this is a picture of 250 cars. I can't make a deal on a picture. Take these around back and I'll think of something.
Mickey: [Luke's just explained he heard from his long lost daughter] I know how ya feel, Old Man. I had a dog once... ran away... only she got hit by a truck. Now what's the story on this '57 Chev here, uh $2400? C'mon, you gotta be jackin' me!
Luke Fuchs: [proudly] Now son, you're lookin' at one of the finest automobiles on this lot. Y'know, I rebuilt that engine with my own two hands.
Mickey: [skeptically] Does it run?
Luke Fuchs: Does it run? Like a dream.
Mickey: Well Old Man... for $2400, it better run like a *wet* dream.
Rudy: Oww, fuck!
Jim the Mechanic: Jesus Palomino!
Al's Kid: [pointing at the television] Hey look. Bare tits!
Al's Wife: That's disgusting! Oh, I don't want my children to see this!
Rudy: [after unsuccessfully trying to sell a kid a bicycle] Real grinders... tougher to close than their parents!
Jeff: Rudy, what the fuck is this? Rudy, this is a red car. Holy shit! A red chariot to take my ass straight to hell!
Jim the Mechanic: See the nice red upholstery?
Mr. Books: Yes, nice, very nice.
Jim the Mechanic: Here, feel it.
Mr. Books: I don't want to feel it.
Jim the Mechanic: Feel it, I want you to get in the car and feel it.
Mr. Books: I don't want to get in the car.
Jim the Mechanic: Awww, get in the mother-fuckin' car man!
[throws the customer in the car]