Time Bandits (1981)
Evil: Oh, Benson... Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
Benson: Oh, you say such nice things, Master.
Evil: Yes I know, I'm sorry!
Evil: God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!
Evil: Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
Evil: If I were creating the world I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, Day One!
[zaps one of his minions accidentally, minion screams]
Supreme Being: I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, more shrubs, that sort of thing... with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time.
Randall: Oh, thank you, sir.
Supreme Being: Yes, well, I am the nice one.
Randall: We made trees and shrubs. We helped make all this.
Kevin: Whew! That's not bad.
Randall: Yeah. But did we get a thimble full of credit for it? No! All we got was the sack. Just for creating the Pink Bunkadoo.
Kevin: Pink Bunkadoo?
Randall: Yeah. Beautiful trees that was. Og designed it. 600 feet high, bright red, and smelled terrible.
Supreme Being: Is it all ready? Right. Come on then. Back to creation. We mustn't waste any more time. They'll think I've lost control again and put it all down to evolution.
Kevin: It's some kind of invisible barrier.
Fidgit: Oh, so that's what an invisible barrier looks like.
Evil: When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding.
Robert: Uh, understanding of what, Master?
Evil: Digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being!
Robin Hood: And you're a robber too. How long have you been a robber?
Strutter: Four foot one.
Robin Hood: Good lord! Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?
Kevin: Yes, why does there have to be evil?
Supreme Being: I think it has something to do with free will.
Robin Hood: The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?
Robin Hood: The poor.
Randall: The poor?
Robin Hood: Oh you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because they're poor.
Randall: Well, this map, Kevin, used to belong to the Supreme Being.
Kevin: You mean you stole it?
Randall: No, no. Well, sort of.
Wally: Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time?
Supreme Being: Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being, I'm not entirely dim...
Robin Hood: [loudly and cheerfully, saying goodbye to the Time Bandits] Thank you very much! Thank you very much. Thank you very very very VERY much!
Robin Hood: [quietly, to his men] What awful people.
Supreme Being: Oh, I do hate appearing that way, it's an entirely noisy manifestation. Still, rather expected of one, I suppose.
Evil: What sort of Supreme Being created such riffraff? Is this not the workings of a complete incompetent?
Baxi Brazilia III: But He created you, Evil One.
Evil: What did you say?
Baxi Brazilia III: Well He created you, so He can't be entirely...
Evil: [Blows Baxi to bits] Never talk to me like that again! No one created me! I am Evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. *I* am all powerful!
Kevin: I'll never get the chance to meet Robin Hood again.
Randall: Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man, unbalanced if you ask me. Giving away what isn't even his!
Kevin: That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that.
Randall: Of course, you know it all.
Kevin: He was one of my heroes.
Randall: Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?
Supreme Being: Do be careful! Don't lose any of that stuff. That's concentrated evil. One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs.
Evil: I have the map! I have the map! And the day after tomorrow... The world!
Napoleon: Little things hitting each other. THAT'S WHAT I LIKE!
Robin Hood: Oh yes and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor, aren't they Redgrave?
Robin Hood: You see- what did he say?
Marion: He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all.
[the Ogres have caught the Time Bandits and Kevin in their fishing net]
Mrs. Ogre: Aren't they lovely? We can have them for breakfast.
Winston the Ogre: You mean eat their boots?
[tossing out a fishing net]
Winston the Ogre: There used to be a time when you could be sure of catching old boots, cans, hat racks, boxes. Now it's prawns all the bloody time.
[the gang is confronted by Kevin, who they think is the Supreme Being]
Randall: Heh heh. We can explain everything, sir. It's not as bad as it looks. We... We just borrows the map and... Sort of got rather happy about it and... Ran off in high spirits.
Kevin: Who are you?
Strutter: That's not Him.
Fidgit: That didn't sound like Him, did it?
Wally: It doesn't even look like Him!
Strutter: It isn't him!
Randall: Let's get him!
[They all pounce on Kevin]
Randall: Strutter, get his torch! Shine it right in the face.
[Strutter shines the torch full in Randall's face]
Randall: His face, dummy!
Vermin: [On the deck of the Titanic] Six more plates of caviar, please. Does anybody else want any?
Wally: Oh not for me, thank you. I'll stick with the quail's eyeballs. Caviar makes me throw up, you know.
[Randall gives him a look]
Wally: Sorry, Randall. Sorry.
Randall: People who are always right make me sick!
Fidgit: That's why you get along with yourself so well!
[from trailer - One man has supposedly been reading the trailer script, while the director has been correcting him. Now the frustrated director interrupts again]
Trailer director: What about the plot?
Trailer reader: The what?
Trailer director: The plot. What the film is about.
Trailer reader: Well I haven't *seen* it, have I?
Trailer director: Haven't seen it? You're sitting there telling millions of people to go and see a film you haven't even *seen*?
Trailer reader: Well, I can't see every film I do, now can I?
Trailer director: Oh, wonderful! Terrific! Look, give me that!
Trailer reader: What're you doing?
Trailer director: Taking over! You're out! O-U-T! Finished! Kaput! Finito!
Trailer reader: But what about the trailer?
Trailer director: *I'll* do it!
Trailer director: Time Bandits is an awfully good film. We have worked ever so hard on it. It's a tremendous adventure story. We like it, and we're pretty sure you will.
Trailer reader: [snickers]
Trailer director: What's wrong with it? It's direct. Punchy. Honest.
Trailer reader: *Honest?*
Trailer reader: Honest shmonest! What's that got to do with anything?
[the trailer ends]
Evil: Suddenly, I feel very, very good.
Robert: Oh, I'm sorry, Master.
Evil: No, it'll pass, it'll pass.
Randall: Waiter, more champagne!
Waiter: Yes, sir.
Randall: And plenty of ice.
[followed immediately by the Titanic striking the iceberg]
Evil: Now Benson, I'm going to have to turn you into a dog for a while.
Kevin: I'd like to stay.
Robin Hood: Jolly good! What's your name?
[Is pulled away by Randall]
Robin Hood: Ke? What a jolly nice name. Well never mind, cheerio! Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very much.
[Under his breath]
Robin Hood: Awful people.
Vincent: Pansy! I can explain! It's only the thing on my nose and the hair piece. Everything else is fine!
Robin Hood: Hello, I'm Hood.
Hood's Assistant: Say good morning, you scum!
Time Bandits: Good morning, Scum.
Kevin's Mother: Honestly, Trevor, if you were half a man you would've gone in there after the blender.
Napoleon: They are all freaks! Not one of them under five foot six. What kind of theater is this?
Neguy: You are not small at all, Commander.
Lucien: Not by any means. Five foot one is not small.
Napoleon: Five foot one and conqueror of Italy, not bad huh?
Cartwright: But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress?
[Evil blows him up]
Evil: That's a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?
Robert: Because you...
Evil: Shut up, I'm speaking rhetorically.
Kevin: Is it always like this after you've done a raid?
Fidgit: I don't know. We've never done one before.
Kevin: But I thought you were international criminals.
Randall: Going to be. Going to be.
Kevin: Who was that man?
Fidgit: That was no man. That was the Supreme Being.
Kevin: You mean God?
Fidgit: Well, we don't know Him that well. We only work for Him.
Randall: Shut up!
Napoleon: [to the Bandits] You are the best thing to happen to me since this whole campaign. You know I come here to conquor Italy, because I thought they were all small. You know, I hear they was really tiny guys...
Neguy: Sir, I really think there are more important thing...
Napoleon: SHUT UP! Don't you dare to tell me my business. You are dismissed, you hear? You, Lucien, the rest of you. Great streaks of misery.
Lucien: But, Sir...
Napoleon: NO! I'm going to have some new generals for a bit.
Pansy: Oh, you don't have to wear the "special"...?
Vincent: No, no, no, I don't have to wear the "special." Anymore.
Vincent: Pansy, look at me.
Pansy: Yes, Vincent.
Vincent: Do you... do you... love me?
Pansy: Of course I love you.
Vincent: You... you don't mind the thing... on my... on my nose...
Pansy: Oh you mean your...
Vincent: Yes, my...
Pansy: No, darling... of course I don't mind...
Vincent: You could get used to have a chap around the house with a... with a... with a damn thing on his nose.
Pansy: Of course, my love. Everyone has something odd about them. Why I've got an enormous...
Kevin's Father: You must wait for your food to go down.
Kevin: I haven't eaten any food.
Kevin's Mother: Well you must eat your food.
Kevin's Father: And then wait for it to go down.
Kevin: What are we going to do here?
Wally: A robbery.
Kevin: A robbery?
Fidgit: Of course. We're international criminals. We do robberies!
Randall: Shut up!
Robin Hood: You enjoy robbing then?
Wally: Well it helps pay the rent, Sir.
Robin Hood: Ha ha ha ha. Jolly good. Ha ha ha.
Supreme Being: Return what you have stolen from me! Return, return the map! It will bring you great danger. Stop... Now!
[referring to an ancient Greek king]
Kevin: The money wasn't important to him.
Randall: He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he? Stuck out in Greece. Lowest standard of living in Europe.
Kevin's Father: [a knight on horseback had burst out of Kevin's closet, messed about the room and rode away; The door bursts open] What the hell is going on up here? I told you to put that light out and get to bed.
Kevin's Father: And no more NOISE!
Evil: Oh, Robert, Benson! I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins, filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong! I feel so bad, Benson!
Benson: Good! Good!
Evil: Yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling!
Pansy: Oh, Sir Vincent, you came for me!
Vincent: Oh, good Mistress Pansy, I could not have ridden faster! Four horses have I exhausted this day from Nottingham!
Pansy: Oh, the way you leapt to my chamber, so full of... of... manliness!
Vincent: I could scarce restrain the rushing of my feet! These twelve long years have been like chains abound me!
Pansy: Oh... Oh, and the personal problem?
Vincent: Oh, much, much better.
Randall: [Kevin and the Time Bandits, booby-trapped and hanging upside down from a tree, are confronted by outlaws] Just leave it to me, Wally. You've just gotta treat them right, that's all. Waddaya want, you tatty-faced old scumbag?
Marion: What's your business, codfish?
Marion: Villainous robbers?
Randall: The worst!
Marion: Stop at nothing?
Randall: Nothing at all!
Marion: Steal the cup out' a beggar's hands?
Marion: Teeth from blind old ladies?
Randall: Of course!
Marion: Toys from children?
Randall: Whenever we can!
Marion: Right! Cut them down!
Randall: They always crack in the end.
King Agamemnon: [Kevin had just fallen from the sky on top of a rival warrior, allowing Agamemnon to kill him] Where did you come from?
Kevin: I'm not really sure.
King Agamemnon: Who sent you, the gods? Was it Zeus? Apollo? Athena?
[Removes his mask]
King Agamemnon: Well... You're certainly a chatty little fellow, aren't you?
Napoleon: Encore! Encore!
Theatre Manager: Thank you. Thank you very much. Uh, I wonder if you would like to see some of our... Other items. We have Zuzu and Benny!
Theatre Manager: Fun on a unicycle.
[Napoleon looks displeased]
Theatre Manager: No? Uh, how about, uh, The Great Rambozo! He sing and lift heavy things.
[Napoleon still looks displeased]
Theatre Manager: No? Uh, how about, uh... Ah, this I think you'll like. Very funny. The Three Idiots! From Latvia. Very funny act. They swallow brushes.
Robin Hood: Here we are, madam. Congratulations. Well done. Congratulations.
[Redgrave belts the lady]
Robin Hood: Is that absolutely necessary?
Robin Hood: What did he say?
Marion: He said yes, he's afraid it is.
Robin Hood: Ah, fine.
Randall: [On the deck of the Titanic] I've got something to say to you, Kevin.
Kevin: Go away.
Randall: It's about the map.
Kevin: The map? I don't understand you, Randall, you've got something really brilliant like that and you're just wasting it.
Randall: I wouldn't call this exactly "wasting it".
Winston the Ogre: I grew too fast when I was young, that was the problem.
Mrs. Ogre: You've been overdoing it a bit dear, that's all.
Winston the Ogre: You try being beastly and terrifying... you can only get one hour sleep a night because your back hurts, and you daren't cough unless you want to pull a muscle.
Mrs. Ogre: But you ARE horrible, dear.
Winston the Ogre: You're just saying that.
Pansy: [she and Vincent are tied to a tree; the Time Bandits are running towards them] Oh, Vincent, someone's coming. Help. Help, I say. Oh, at last. Oh, I say!
[the bandits run right past without taking any notice]
Pansy: I say my fiancee and I would appreciate a bit of assistance!
Evil: Show me... show me, subscriber trunk dialing. I must know everything.
Fidgit: [refering to Kevin] Sir? What about my friend, Sir? Can he come with us?
Supreme Being: Absolutely not! This isn't a school outing
Randall: I told you, stick with me and you won't go far wrong.
Napoleon: Don't stand so close to me, Neguy! I've told you about that before. You on one side and him on the other - it's like being on the bottom of a bloody well!
Wally: Lads! Here's to stinking rich!
Fidgit: And to Kevin.
All: Yeah, Kevin!
Og: Stinking Kevin.
[the following is heard over various scenes from the film]
Trailer reader: Remember my voice? I do trailers. All kinds of trailers. One day they'll put me in a film - the proper full-length job - until then I'm just stuck with this sort of stuff. "Go and see this," "don't miss that," "the most terrifying thing you ever saw is coming to baby-sit for you tonight."
Trailer director: Alright, cut it there. Look, just read what's on the script, will you?
Trailer reader: The what?
Trailer director: The script! Other way up!
Trailer reader: Ah!
Trailer reader: Ready?
Trailer director: Yes. Yes.
Trailer reader: You flocked to see Brief Encounters for the special effe...
Trailer director: "Close"!
Trailer reader: Huh? Oh, "Close Encounters"
Trailer director: Close Encounters! The film.
Trailer reader: Oh, I never saw that.
Trailer director: Well forget that film, we're on about *our* film. Time Bandits.
Trailer reader: What?
Trailer director: Time Bandits! The one you are supposed to be promoting! Remember?
Trailer reader: [clears his throat again] You flocked to see Close Encounters for the special effects. You went to Superman to see a man fly. You went to Star Wars for the droids. You went...
Trailer director: Now what?
Trailer reader: Where's page 2, man?
Trailer director: It's under page 1! See?
Trailer reader: [mumbling to himself] ... you went to Star Wars...
[finds his place]
Trailer reader: Time Bandits can offer you much, much more. It's not the special effects, nor flying men, nor droids which makes Time Bandits a unique cinematique... cinema...
Trailer director: "Cinematic"! You know, pertaining to the cinema!
Trailer reader: ...cinematic experience. It's the make-up. Yes, folks, you've never seen anything like it: men made up to look like monsters! Monsters made up to look like men! Look-alike men made up to look different, different men made up to look alike! No expense has been pared... spared on the pan-shtick... pan-stick... No expense has been spared flying in the world's greatest make-up men...
Trailer director: Just a minute, just a minute. What about the plot?
Trailer reader: The what?
Strutter: [slaps Kevin] Get down, you nearly got us caught!
Randall: You silly fool, you could've ruined everything.
Kevin: Do you know where we are?
Randall: Shut up. Of course I do. 1796, Battle of Castiglione, see?
Strutter: [taps him] You sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?
Randall: do you want to be leader of this gang?
Strutter: No, we agreed: No leader!
Randall: Right. So shut up and do as I say.
Fireman: This is what started it. Left the Sunday joint cooking all night, didn't we?
Kevin's Mother: Sunday joint? It's Thursday.
Fidgit: You're gonna get us all killed, Randall!
Randall: Stop whimpering! How was I to know we were gonna run right into an iceberg? It didn't say 'Get off before the iceberg' on the ticket!
Evil: You are a very troublesome little fellow. I think I should teach you one of my special lessons? What do you think, Robert? Benson? What would look nice? Half-warthog? Half-donkey? Half-oyster? Half-carrot?
Kevin: Do you know where we are?
Randall: Of course I do. 1796, Battle of Castiglione. See?
Strutter: Are you sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?
Announcer: Yes, folks... Moderna Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury. The Moderna Wonder Major All Automatic Convenience Center-ette gives you all the time in the world to do the things you really want to do... An infrared freezer-oven complex that can make you a meal from packet to plate in 15 1/2 seconds.
Kevin's Mother: Morrisons have got one that can do that in eight seconds.
Kevin's Father: Oh?
Kevin's Mother: Block of ice to Beef Bourguignon in eight seconds. Lucky things.
Kevin: Dad, did you know that the ancient Greek warriors had to learn 44 different ways of unarmed combat?
Kevin's Father: [Ignoring Kevin] Well, at least we've got a two speed hedge cutter.
Fidgit: We should've stayed home making trees.
Randall: Oh shut up.
Fidgit: How could we have been so stupid?
Og: I don't know.
Robin Hood: [Seeing the Bandits' haul] Crikey! I've been in robbing for years but I've never seen anything like this. Well, what can I say? Thank you. Thank you all very much indeed.
Randall: Oh don't men - What?
Randall: You see, to be quite frank, Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of botched job, you see. We only had seven days to make it. And that's where this comes in. This is the only map of all the holes. Well, why repair them? Why not use them to get stinking rich?
Evil: If you're wrong, Benson, my revenge will be slow and unpleasant. I will turn you inside out over a very long period of time.
Benson: Oh, thank you, master, thank you!