The Private Eyes (1980)

Tim Conway: Dr. Tart

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Tart : You want another glass of pus?

  Inspector Winship : No I don't want another glass of pus!

• Dr. Tart : [reading the tombstone engraved by Tibet's killer]  To dig your own grave, is quite a sight. But to bury yourself, is not very bright. There are more to kill, and the job'll be done. Now there are five, soon there'll be a lot less.

• Dr. Tart : [reading the note from the killer]  I said when I died, that I'd come back. If you believe in ghosts, you're on the right track. I'm out of the grave, and roaming the moores. If you want to be safe, you better lock all the windows and screens.

• Dr. Tart : [reading the note from Jock's killer]  If Jock could talk, he'd give you a clue. But now that he's dead, what can you do? He deserved what he got, I don't regret it a bit. By the way, you're standing in bull ca-ca.

• Dr. Tart : [reading the note from Uwatsum's killer]  In this house, it's hard to survive. Some'll be dead, who are now alive. Mr. Uwatsum is gone, 'cause he knew too much. Bye for now, but rest assured we'll keep in constant contact with each other.

• Dr. Tart : [reading the note from Lord Morley]  Now you will see, I can do something right. I'm going to show you a killer tonight. I want Phyllis to come to my chamber, and see. Who was the one who murdered Lady Morley and myself.

• Inspector Winship : You know, I have an idea: whoever wrote that letter must have read about us in the newspaper.

  Dr. Tart : What is it?

  Inspector Winship : What's what?

  Dr. Tart : The idea you have?

  Inspector Winship : I just told you!

  Dr. Tart : What was it?

  Inspector Winship : Whoever wrote that letter must have read about us in the newspaper!

  Dr. Tart : Right. Now that letter was signed 'Lord Morley'. So he must have read about us in the newspaper and called us in to solve his murder.

  Inspector Winship : How could Lord Morley write us after he was already dead?

  Dr. Tart : Right. You know what? Maybe whoever killed Lord Morley wrote that letter.

  Inspector Winship : If you killed Lord Morley, would you write and ask someone to find the killer?

  Dr. Tart : Are you saying *I* killed Lord Morley?

  Inspector Winship : [aggravated]  No, I'm saying you kill me!

• Justin : [During the interrogation of the staff]  I am Justin... the butler. I was accused of killing my wife and her lovers. But Lord Morley

  [begins crying] 

  Justin : , bless him!... convinced the authorities it was a case of justifiable insanity... and

  [sobs heavier] 

  Justin : ... and I've served him happily... ever since...

  [crying heavily] 

  Dr. Tart : [Sympathetically]  How many lovers did your wife have?

  Justin : [Instantly stops crying and says, coldly]  Thirteen.

• [Reading a note next to the dead Hilda] 

  Dr. Tart : Hilda is dead, and here's something to note. You can't bury her at sea, 'cause her bosoms will float.

• Dr. Tart : [after a pigeon gets shot]  You know what I think? I think there's someone here who doesn't want anyone to know that there's someone here who might be someone that's a killer.

  Inspector Winship : You know what I think? For a short person, you have long sentences.

• [Inspector Winship is interrogating Mr. Uwatsum, who is completely bald] 

  Dr. Tart : [to Inspector Winship]  Ask him where he gets his hair done.

• Inspector Winship : This isn't one of your better inventions. Who ever heard of a gun that went off every hour?

  Dr. Tart : Might save your life someday.

  Inspector Winship : Yeah, if you have to shoot someone every hour.

• Inspector Winship : You better get a pigeon in case we have to contact the Yard.

  Dr. Tart : Right. I'm gonna take Judy. Harold's been a little under the weather lately; stool's been a little loose.

  Inspector Winship : That's too bad. I'll have to put a "Get Well" card on the bottom of his cage.

• Mr. Uwatsum : How about a nice bowl of fish eyes?

  Inspector Winship : [sickened]  Uh, will you pardon me, please?

  Mr. Uwatsum : Ah... Do you like hummingbird cookies?

  Dr. Tart : No... thank you.

• [the staff are introducing themselves to Winship and Tart] 

  Jock : [in a slurred and garbled speech]  My name is Jock. I'm the groom. I was under Lord Morley's command in India. He had my tongue cut out...

  Inspector Winship : Just a second. What did you say?

  Dr. Tart : He said,

  [imitating Jock's speech, only more garbled] 

  Dr. Tart : He said that his name is Jock. He was under Lord Morley's command...

  Inspector Winship : Will you shut up?

  Dr. Tart : [still imitating Jock's speech]  That's what he said!

• [the Shadow rolls a bomb toward the detectives, who are facing the other way] 

  Dr. Tart : We must be near a bowling alley.

• Dr. Tart : [the detectives are driving up to the manor]  Boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy, look at that house. Boy, that's bigger than that hometown I grew up in.

  Inspector Winship : Don't remind me. If it hadn't been for your hair-brained inventions, we wouldn't have had to leave the states.

• Dr. Tart : [What his mother said about Inspector Winship]  You know what she always used to say? She said if you had another brain you'd be lonesome.

• Nanny : [about Lord Morley]  He claimed to have the power to return from the dead.

  Dr. Tart : They say that Wookalars have the power to return from the dead, too, and they only have a brain the size of a pea.

  Inspector Winship : In that case, you'd have a tough time getting into the group.

• Gas Station Attendant : [to Dr. Tart]  Oh say, do you know you got stuff all over your face?

  Dr. Tart : Huh?

  Gas Station Attendant : You got stuff all over your face.

  Inspector Winship : He's oiling his brain.