Cheech (singing): Mexican Americans / love education / so they go to night school / and take Spanish / and get a B.
Cheech: [seeing a jar with a yellowish fluid inside] Hey, it's about time man. Hey, what do you got man? Give me some.
Cheech: Give me a drink, man. C'mon man, give me a drink!
Chong: [Points to jar] Of this?
Chong: Go ahead man, help yourself!
Cheech: Wait a minute
[Sniffs the Jar]
Cheech: Hey man, that's pee!
Chong: No kidding.
Cheech: What are you doing with pee?
Chong: It's for my probation officer.
Cheech: Why, does he drink pee?
Chong: No man, last week I was supposed to bring some in, you know? and I forgot the wash the jar out first. so they see all that mayonnaise floating around in there, and they think I'm on some kind of weird drug again!
Cheech: [laughing] Alright!
Chong: And I'm really going to fuck with his mind this time.
Cheech: Why, what'd you do?
Chong: I had my sister pee in it.
Chong: Yeah, and she's pregnant man!
Cheech: Shit, man, I'm gonna be late for work again. That's the fifth time this week, and it's only Tuesday, man.
Guard at the Studio Entrance.: [to Cheech] Hey, Fella, you need a pass.
Cheech: [Cheech is covered in ashes after the car explosion] Oh, uh... I'm with the Towering Inferno, man.
[after shifting gasoline that has spilt on their clothes, Chong tries to light a joint]
Chong: You got a light, man?
Chong: Huh, oh yeah, here
[hands him a lighter]
Chong: Hey I don't think you better light it in here, man.
Cheech: Ah, these gas fumes, man.
Chong: Oh man.
[flicks the lighter]
Cheech: I don't know.
[the inside of the car explodes]
Cheech: Man, if you had a second brain, it would die of loneliness, man.
Chong: I dig it, man. It's good. But you know, while you were singing that, I came up with another song, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah. It's like the same thing, only different.
[to a girl on the phone]
Cheech: You wanna come over to my place? Okay. I'll be here with balls on.
Guard at the Studio Entrance.: [to Cheech after leaving in a van] Hey, Fella, your pass?
Cheech: Pass, oh thanks a lot man.
Cheech: Want me to teach you some Spanish, man?
Cheech: When you see a friend, you say, hey, how's it going, pendejo?
Chong: Hey, how's it going, pendecko?
Cheech: ...yeah, that's close enough.
Chong: What does that mean, man?
Cheech: Oh, it means my really good friend.
Chong: How's it going, pend... Pen... how was that, again?
Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza: Cheech! Hey, you old pile of horse shit! How are you? God damn, you got ugly! How ya doing, man?
Chong: Good, man.
Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza: I haven't seen you in ten years, man!
Chong: I'm not Cheech, man.
Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza: What?
Chong: I'm Cheech's friend Chong.
Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza: Oh, hey, Ching! Good to meet you!
Cheech: [waiting on date to arrive] Man, hurry up, bitch. I got lots of shit to do. Shit. If that bitch doesn't hurry up and get here, I'll have to wait some more.
Desk Clerk: [on phone with police] Look, this is the real thing this time! There are two crazies running around tearing the place up! I already told you our location! ERRRGH! Well, what are they doing, walking over here? Look, I think they're Iranians!... okay, thanks very much.
Pee-wee Herman: Hey, you guys look a little familiar to me!
Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza: Hey, you smell kinda familiar.
Pee-wee Herman: Ha, ha, ha. I'm the comedian. I'll tell the jokes, if you don't mind! If you think it's so easy, why don't you come up here and do it?
Gloria's Mom: Yeah, go up there and tell a joke!
Pee-wee Herman: That's right! You come up here and do it!
Dwayne 'Red' Mendoza: Okay!
Chong: Yeah, man!
Pee-wee Herman: Fuck this. I'm going somewhere else. Hey, hey, here!
[gives Red the finger and storms off]
Chong: You're driving like an idiot, man.
Cheech: I just can't get used to these automatics, man.
Chong: Yeah, they are real complicated, aren't they?