Judge Smails: Ohhh, Porterhouse!
Smoke Porterhouse: Yes SIR! Yes sir, Judge. Yes sir.
Judge Smails: Look at the wax build up on those shoes. This is fine leather. I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now. Chop chop.
Smoke Porterhouse: You got it. Got 'em, Judge.
Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie D'Annunzio: A looper?
Carl Spackler: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!
Ty Webb: Don't be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote, 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.' He was a funny guy.
Al Czervik: Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
[looks at Judge Smails, who's wearing the same hat]
Al Czervik: Oh, it looks good on you though.
Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Al Czervik: You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
Carl Spackler: This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato salad...
[gets cut off by Judge Smails]
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it!
Carl Spackler: [preparing to dynamite the gopher tunnel] In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'.
Sandy: I want you to kill every gopher on the course!
Carl Spackler: Check me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key...
Sandy: Gophers, ya great git! Not golfers! The little brown furry rodents!
Carl Spackler: We can do that... we don't even have to have a reason.
Al Czervik: [breaks wind at a dinner] Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?
[Judge Smails is preparing to hit the ball on the first tee while Al Czervick watches]
Al Czervik: Hey 'Whitey,' where's your hat?
[Smails looks over at Czervick, who is watching anxiously]
Al Czervik: ...let's go while we're young!
Judge Smails: Mind Sir? Trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: ...I bet ya slice into the woods! A hundred bucks!
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[the judge hits the ball, and it goes flying into some trees, in response, he shouts in frustration]
Al Czervik: Okay, you can owe me!
Judge Smails: [mad] I owe you nothing!
Al Czervik: [after an airplane passes just above his head] I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!
Al Czervik: [to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?
Carl Spackler: This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.
Richard Richards: Better come in till this blows over.
Bishop: What do you think, fella?
Carl Spackler: I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff's gonna come down for quite awhile.
Bishop: You're right. Anyway, the Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
Al Czervik: Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
Al Czervik: He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.
Bishop: I really enjoy working with young people such as yourself down at our new Lutheran Center... Why don't you drop by sometime, eh?
Danny Noonan: I've often thought of entering the Priesthood.
Bishop: Oh, are you a Roman Catholic?
Bishop: Oh, then I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come.
Groundskeeper Sandy: Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off.
Carl Spackler: I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.
Judge Smails: Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.
Spalding Smails: No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.
Judge Smails: You're playing golf and you're going to like it.
Spalding Smails: What about my asthma?
Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma.
Carl Spackler: Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still.
Carl Spackler: Your place got a pool?
Ty Webb: We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond... Pond'd be good for you.
Al Czervik: Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
[Caddy Danny arrives among the rich in his yachting outfit]
Spalding Smails: Ahoy polloi... where did you come from, a scotch ad?
Ty Webb: I was born to love you / I was born to lick your face / I was born to rub you / but you were born to rub me first /... What do you say we take this out on the patio?
Judge Smails: [to Bishop Fred Pickering] Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the colored boy who went to heaven?
Bishop: Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy.
Tony D'Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.
Judge Smails: Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.
Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.
Bishop: There is no God...
Al Czervik: [drops his bow anchor on Judge Smails' sailboat, sinking it] Hey, you scratched my anchor!
Al Czervik: Hey, Smails! My dinghy's bigger than your whole boat!
Bishop: [as he misses a putt on the 18th hole during the thunderstorm] OH, RAT FART!
[he holds up his club and is hit by lightning... Carl drops the golf bag and leaves him there]
Carl Spackler: I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.
Spalding Smails: This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.
Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
Ty Webb: This your place, Carl?
Carl Spackler: Yeah, whatta ya think?
Ty Webb: It's really... awful.
Carl Spackler: Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.
Mrs. Smails: Elihu, will you come loofah my stretch marks?
Mrs. Smails: Bless this ship, and all who sail on her. I christen thee The Flying WASP.
Danny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Lacey Underall: [to Danny] Nice try.
[after the gopher takes his ball]
Al Czervik: Hey, that kangaroo just took my ball.
Lifeguard: [Yelling to a rowdy swimmer] You put your suit on!
Joey D'Annunzio: Go shave your ass!
[Jumps off diving board]
Judge Smails: You - you will never be a member of Bushwood!
Al Czervik: A member? You think I actually want to join this scumatorium? The only reason I'm here is because I might buy it!
Carl Spackler: Oh, Mrs. Crane, I'm looking at you... You wore green so you could hide. I don't blame you - you're a tramp! Ooh! That was right where you wanted it! Ooh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman you know that? You're a little monkey woman... You're lean and you're mean and you're not too far between either I bet, are ya? Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?
Judge Smails: It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.
[chuckles several times]
Judge Smails: Okay, Pookie. Do the honors.
Carl Spackler: Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. A man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.
Ty Webb: You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.
Lacey Underall: I bet you've got a lot of nice ties.
Ty Webb: How do you mean?
Lacey Underall: Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?
Ty Webb: What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you're here?
Ty Webb: I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.
Ty Webb: You've got to win this hole.
Danny Noonan: I kinda thought winning wasn't important
Ty Webb: Me winning isn't. You do.
Danny Noonan: Great grammar.
Tony D'Annunzio: [carrying Czervik's golf bag] What do you got in here, rocks?
Al Czervik: Are you kiddin'? When I was your age, I would lug fifty pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs!
Tony D'Annunzio: [puts down Czervik's bag, exasperated] So what?
Al Czervik: So what?
[opens compartment in golf bag, revealing radio]
Al Czervik: So let's dance!
[turns on Journey's "Any Way You Want It," high volume]
Danny Noonan: [trying to make small talk with Chuck after Smails has introduced them] Well, I'm going to college too.
Chuck Schick: [haughtily] Really... are you going to Harvard?
Danny Noonan: No, St. Copius of northern...
Chuck Schick: Where?
Lacey Underall: [walking up with Terry, at Danny] Hey Cary Grant... you wanna get high?
Terry the Hippie: Wait a minute! I only got a little!
Lacey Underall: Then split, OK Terry?
Terry the Hippie: [leaving] Sure.
Lacey Underall: [to Chuck] Bye, Chuck!
[she and Danny grimace towards him, he leaves]
Danny Noonan: Guess I'm a little overdressed?
Lacey Underall: Depends on what's underneath... come on.
[Ty has just been asked by Al to partner up against Judge Smails in a $20,000-per-person golf match]
Judge Smails: Can I have a word with you? ln private?
Ty Webb: Sure thing, Judge.
Judge Smails: Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not *belong*. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
[Smails and Ty start to laugh]
Ty Webb: Let's make it $40,000.
Al Czervik: Hey, great!
Ty Webb: [to a glaring Smails] You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.
Al Czervik: [tees off] Fore!
[his ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch]
Al Czervik: I should have yelled, "Two!"
Spalding Smails: Turds.
Judge Smails: Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?
Spalding Smails: Sorry grandpa I forgot.
Judge Smails: Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
Dr. Beeper: Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.
Lacey Underall: Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.
Judge Smails: Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha.
Spalding Smails: Double turds.
Judge Smails: *Spaulding*!
Al Czervik: Hey! Can you make a Bullshot?
Tony D'Annunzio: Can you make a shoe smell?
Al Czervik: Very funny. Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this.
Carl Spackler: He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.
Danny Noonan: I haven't even told my father about the scholarship I didn't get. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty Webb: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
Danny Noonan: I notice you don't spend too much time there.
Ty Webb: I'm not quite sure where they are.
Pat Noonan: I saw that! That's about 4 dollars in change!
Danny Noonan: I had a couple of burgers and some Cokes for lunch.
Pat Noonan: How many Cokes?
Danny Noonan: Four or five.
Pat Noonan: What are you, a diabetic?
Danny Noonan: I don't know!
Danny Noonan: I gotta go to college. I gotta.
Ty Webb: Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it? I didn't think so.
Ty Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
Danny Noonan: It's hard when you're talking like that.
Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.
Dr. Beeper: I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty Webb: I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.
Ty Webb: Guys, don't include me in this.
Al Czervik: Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty Webb: I don't play golf, for money, against people.
Al Czervik: What are you, religious or something?
Ty Webb: You might say that.
[Judge Smails is taking an inordinately long time to hit his drive on the first tee, while Al Czervik waits in the next foursome]
Al Czervik: While we're young.
Judge Smails: McFiddish, do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?
Groundskeeper Sandy: Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site over yonder.
Judge Smails: Czervik Construction Company? Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin.
Ty Webb: [to Al Czervik] Hey, don't put yourself down. You're not, uh... you're not... you're not good. You stink.
[Tony gives his ticket to Danny who has taken over for Lou]
Danny Noonan: I can't pay you. Lou has to.
Tony D'Annunzio: Where is he?
Danny Noonan: He's out.
Tony D'Annunzio: I can see that he's out, numbnuts.
[Gives Danny a dollar]
Tony D'Annunzio: Give me a coke.
Danny Noonan: One coke.
[gives Tony a bottle of Coke and 50 cents]
Tony D'Annunzio: Hey wait a minute. That's only 50 cents.
Danny Noonan: Yeah well Lou raised the price of coke he's been losing at the track.
Tony D'Annunzio: Well I ain't paying no 50 cents for no coke.
Danny Noonan: Oh then you ain't getting no coke. Know what I'm talking about?
Lou Loomis: What's the sign say?
Angie D'Annunzio: No bare feet.
Lou Loomis: [picks him up by the shirt collar] What's that sign say?
Angie D'Annunzio: No fighting.
Lou Loomis: What's that mean?
Angie D'Annunzio: No fighting.
Lou Loomis: You owe me one gumball machine. What's that candy wrapper doing there? Well don't you see it? Well pick it up.
Lou Loomis: I'm going to put it right on the line. There's been a lot of complaints already. Fooling around on the course, bad language, smoking grass, poor caddying. If you guys want to get fired. If you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up.
Judge Smails: Danny, I'm having a party this weekend.
[pauses a beat]
Judge Smails: How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?
Ty Webb: Let me tell you a little story? I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out... You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean... You know who that guy was Danny?
Danny Noonan: No.
Ty Webb: Take one good guess.
Danny Noonan: Bob Hope?
Ty Webb: Ha ha... No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.
Carl Spackler: I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days.
Ty Webb: Remember Danny - Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
Tony D'Annunzio: [caddying for the elderly Havercamps... to Mrs. Havercamp] Your ball's right over there, go straight. You can't miss it. Mrs. Havercamp... Mrs. Haver... Mrs. Havercamp... you'll need this.
[hands her her club]
Mrs. Havercamp: Oh I might, at that!
Tony D'Annunzio: Mr. Havercamp, your ball's right over there, sir.
Tony D'Annunzio: [Havercamp puts hand out for club, Tony hands it to him as he attempts to shoot away from the green] No... Mr. Havercamp. The green's right over there, sir.
Mrs. Havercamp: [knocking ball into the pond] Whee!
Mr. Havercamp: That's a peach, hon! Oh, by golly... I'm hot today!
[he slices it and it barely misses Tony's head]
Maggie O'Hooligan: I'm late.
Danny Noonan: Late for what?
Maggie O'Hooligan: For not being pregnant!
Ty Webb: No one likes a tattletale, Danny... except of course, me.
[Danny walks inside Judge Smails' office, where Smails is seated around, and has a seat, awaiting his disciplinary action for his involvement with Lacey]
Danny Noonan: Judge Smails, sir?
Judge Smails: [not realizing Danny's already seated] Sit down, Danny.
[turns around in his chair, slightly hitting his desk; Both Danny and Smails tries to see their faces]
Judge Smails: Danny, I think you know why you are here, so I'll... do us both the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday...
[angrily shoves the lamp to the side, but calms down]
Judge Smails: Sorry. My niece is the kind of girl who has a certain... zest of living. The last thing any of us need right now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
Danny Noonan: I swear, I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
Judge Smails: [relief sigh] Good. Good, good.
Judge Smails: You know, despite what happened, I-I'm still convinced you have many fine qualities and I... I think you can still become a gentleman some day if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society.
[pats Danny on his shoulder]
Judge Smails: Danny, Danny, there's a lot of, uh, well, badness in the world today. I see it in court today. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't wanna do it, but felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what do you stand for, Danny? Goodness... or badness?
Danny Noonan: I know I make some bad mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I wanna be good.
Judge Smails: Good. Good, very good. You know, I... I know how hard it is for young people today and I wanna help. Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal, Mr. scholarship winner?
Danny Noonan: [shakes Smails' hand] Yes, sir. I'm your pal.
Judge Smails: [chuckles] How 'bout a Fresca?
Carl Spackler: [singing, while trying to kill the gopher] Great big globs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts!
Lacey Underall: [to Danny] Hey Carey Grant - - want to get high?
Terry the Hippie: Wait a minute, I only got a little.
Lacey Underall: Then split, okay, Terry?
Danny Noonan: Guess I'm a little overdressed.
Lacey Underall: Depends on what's underneath.
Danny Noonan: Ooh.
Lacey Underall: Come on.
Danny Noonan: [to Lacey, while they're laying in bed after having sex] I want you to know that just because of this you don't have to stop seeing other people.
[Lacey starts giggling]
Carl Spackler: I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.
Al Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: *Damn*.
Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.
Judge Smails: I demand satisfaction.
Al Czervik: [mocking] You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!
Judge Smails: [laughs] Wha... I could beat you with one arm!
Al Czervik: Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...
Dr. Beeper: [mortified] I beg your pardon!
Al Czervik: And I'll take Ty, here.
Ty Webb: Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.
Lacey Underall: Who's you decorator? Benihana?
Ty Webb: No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam.
Lacey Underall: You were in the war?
Ty Webb: [limping and patting his hip] No... homo. Much better now, though.
Charlie the Cook: [after hearing how Al described his cooking] *Dogfood*?
Pre-deb: [hits a joint, coughs] What kind of sh**t is this?
Spalding Smails: It's the best, man-I got it from a negro.
Spalding Smails: You're probably so high already you don't even know it.
Al Czervik: Country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate!