Quotes
Al Czervik: Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
Share thisJudge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
Share this[Caddy Danny arrives among the rich in his yachting outfit]
Spalding Smails: Ahoy polloi... where did you come from, a scotch ad?
Share thisSpalding Smails: This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.
Share thisSandy: I want you to kill every gopher on the course!
Carl Spackler: Check me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key...
Sandy: Gophers, ya great git! The gophers! The little brown furry rodents!
Carl Spackler: We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason.
Share thisAl Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
[looks at Judge Smails, who's wearing the same hat]
Al Czervik: Oh, it looks good on you though.
Share thisAl Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Share thisAl Czervik: You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
Share thisCarl Spackler: He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.
Share thisCarl Spackler: IT'S IN THE HOLE.
Share thisCarl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!
Share thisCarl Spackler: [preparing to dynamite the gopher tunnel] In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'.
Share thisAl Czervik: [to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?
Share thisDanny Noonan: I haven't even told my father about the scholarship I didn't get. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty Webb: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
Danny Noonan: I notice you don't spend too much time there.
Ty Webb: I'm not quite sure where they are.
Share thisAl Czervik: Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
Share thisJudge Smails: It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.
[chuckles several times]
Judge Smails: Okay, Pookie. Do the honors.
Share thisJudge Smails: Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop.
Smoke Porterhouse: Yes judge, right away judge.
Share thisCarl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.
Share thisCarl Spackler: This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
Share thisCarl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie D'Annunzio: A looper?
Carl Spackler: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Share thisJudge Smails: Spalding get your foot off the boat!
Share thisJudge Smails: How about a Fresca?
Share thisPat Noonan: I saw that! That's about 4 dollars in change!
Danny Noonan: I had a couple of burgers and some Cokes for lunch.
Pat Noonan: How many Cokes?
Danny Noonan: Four or five.
Pat Noonan: What are you, a diabetic?
Danny Noonan: I don't know!
Share thisCarl Spackler: Oh, Mrs. Crane, I'm looking at you... You wore green so you could hide. I don't blame you - you're a tramp! Ooh! That was right where you wanted it! Ooh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman you know that? You're a little monkey woman... You're lean and you're mean and you're not too far between either I bet, are ya? Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?
Share thisTy Webb: You take drugs, Danny?
Danny Noonan: Every day.
Ty Webb: Good. Then what's your problem?
Danny Noonan: I don't know.
Share thisTy Webb: A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.
Share thisTy Webb: Don't be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher Basha once wrote, 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.' He was a funny guy.
Share thisTy Webb: I was born to love you / I was born to lick your face / I was born to rub you / but you were born to rub me first /... What do you say we take this out on the patio?
Share thisDanny Noonan: I gotta go to college.
Ty Webb: You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.
Share thisCarl Spackler: I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.
Share thisCarl Spackler: This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.
Share thisTy Webb: You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.
Share thisTy Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
Danny Noonan: It's hard when you're talking like that.
Share thisJudge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.
Share thisJudge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
Share thisDr. Beeper: I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty Webb: I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.
Share thisTy Webb: This your place, Carl?
Carl Spackler: Yeah, whatta ya think?
Ty Webb: It's really... awful.
Carl Spackler: Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.
Share thisTy Webb: Guys, don't include me in this.
Al Czervik: Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty Webb: I don't play golf, for money, against people.
Al Czervik: What are you, religious or something?
Ty Webb: You might say that.
Share this[Judge Smails is taking an inordinately long time to hit his drive on the first tee, while Al Czervik waits in the next foursome]
Al Czervik: While we're young.
Share thisAl Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: *Damn*.
Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.
Share thisTy Webb: Thank you very little.
Share thisAl Czervik: [breaks wind at a dinner] Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?
Share thisAl Czervik: He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.
Share thisLacey Underall: I bet you've got a lot of nice ties.
Ty Webb: How do you mean?
Lacey Underall: Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?
Share thisLacey Underall: Who's you decorator? Bennihana?
Ty Webb: No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam.
Lacey Underall: You were in the war?
Ty Webb: [limping and patting his butt] No... Homo.
Share thisTy Webb: Let me just clean this up here
[lift up bow and arrow]
Ty Webb: getting ready for the season.
Lacey Underall: Duck?
Ty Webb: No... dolphin.
Share thisJudge Smails: Don't you people have homes?
Share thisJudge Smails: I demand satisfaction.
Al Czervik: [mocking] You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!
Judge Smails: [laughs] Wha... I could beat you with one arm!
Al Czervik: Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...
Dr. Beeper: [mortified] I beg your pardon!
Al Czervik: And I'll take Ty, here.
Ty Webb: Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.
Share thisJudge Smails: Don't you people have jobs?
Share thisMrs. Smails: Elihu, will you come loofah my stretch marks?
Share thisJudge Smails: [to Bishop Fred Pickering] Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the Colored Boy who went to heaven?
Bishop: Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy.
Share thisJudge Smails: Do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?
Groundskeeper Sandy: Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site.
Judge Smails: Czervik, huh. Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin.
Share thisTy Webb: You're not, you're not good, Al. You stink.
Share thisSpalding Smails: I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips
[gets cut off by Judge Smails]
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it!
Share thisCarl Spackler: Bark like a dog.
Share thisBishop: I really enjoy working with young people such as yourself down at our new Lutheran Center... Why don't you drop by sometime, eh?
Danny Noonan: I've often thought of entering the Priesthood.
Bishop: Oh, are you a Roman Catholic?
[Danny nods]
Bishop: Oh, then I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come.
Share thisMrs. Smails: Bless this ship, and all who sail on her. I christen thee The Flying WASP.
Share thisGroundskeeper Sandy: Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off.
Carl Spackler: I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.
Share thisDanny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Lacey Underall: [to Danny] Nice try.
Share thisAl Czervik: [tees off] Fore!
[his ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch]
Al Czervik: I should have yelled, "Two!"
Share thisCharlie the Cook: [after hearing how Al described his cooking] *Dogfood*?
Share thisJudge Smails: Do you stand for *goodness*, or - for *badness*?
Share thisTy Webb: What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you're here?
Share thisLacey Underall: My uncle says you've got a screw loose.
Ty Webb: Your uncle molests collies.
Share this[Tony gives his ticket to Danny who has taken over for Lou]
Danny Noonan: I can't pay you. Lou has to.
Tony D'Annunzio: Where is he?
Danny Noonan: He's out.
Tony D'Annunzio: I can see that he's out, numbnuts.
[Gives Danny a dollar]
Tony D'Annunzio: Give me a coke.
Danny Noonan: One coke.
[gives Tony a bottle of Coke and 50 cents]
Tony D'Annunzio: Hey wait a minute. That's only 50 cents.
Danny Noonan: Yeah well Lou raised the price of coke he's been losing at the track.
Tony D'Annunzio: Well I ain't paying no 50 cents for no coke.
Danny Noonan: Oh then you ain't getting no coke. Know what I'm talking about?
Share thisLou Loomis: What's the sign say?
Angie D'Annunzio: No bare feet.
Lou Loomis: [picks him up by the shirt collar] What's that sign say?
Angie D'Annunzio: No fighting.
Lou Loomis: What's that mean?
Angie D'Annunzio: No fighting.
Lou Loomis: You owe me one gumball machine. What's that candy wrapper doing there? Well don't you see it? Well pick it up.
Share thisLou Loomis: I'm going to put it right on the line. There's been a lot of complaints already. Fooling around on the course, bad language, smoking grass, poor caddying. If you guys want to get fired. If you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up.
Share thisSpalding Smails: Turds.
Judge Smails: Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?
Spalding Smails: Sorry grandpa I forgot.
Judge Smails: Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
Dr. Beeper: Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.
Lacey Underall: Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.
Judge Smails: Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha.
Spalding Smails: Double turds.
Judge Smails: *Spaulding*!
Share thisJudge Smails: Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.
Spalding Smails: No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.
Judge Smails: You're playing golf and you're going to like it.
Spalding Smails: What about my asthma?
Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma.
Share thisTy Webb: I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.
Share thisCarl Spackler: I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.
Share thisTony D'Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.
Judge Smails: Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.
Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.
Bishop: There is no God...
Share thisJudge Smails: Danny, I'm having a party this weekend.
[pauses a beat]
Judge Smails: How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?
Share thisCarl Spackler: Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still.
Share thisTy Webb: Let me tell you a little story? I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out... You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean... You know who that guy was Danny?
Danny Noonan: No.
Ty Webb: Take one good guess.
Danny Noonan: Bob Hope?
Ty Webb: Ha ha... No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.
Share thisSpalding Smails: Doodie!
Share thisCarl Spackler: I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days.
Share thisTy Webb: You've got to win this hole.
Danny Noonan: I kinda thought winning wasn't important
Ty Webb: Me winning isn't. You do.
Danny Noonan: Great grammar.
Share thisJudge Smails: Well, we're waiting!
Share thisAl Czervik: [after an airplane passes just above his head] I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!
Share thisAl Czervik: [drops his bow anchor on Judge Smails' sailboat, sinking it] Hey, you scratched my anchor!
Share thisTy Webb: Remember Danny - Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
Share thisTony D'Annunzio: [caddying for the elderly Havercamps... to Mrs. Havercamp] Your ball's right over there, go straight. You can't miss it. Mrs. Havercamp... Mrs. Haver... Mrs. Havercamp... you'll need this.
[hands her her club]
Mrs. Havercamp: Oh I might, at that!
Tony D'Annunzio: Mr. Havercamp, your ball's right over there, sir.
Tony D'Annunzio: [Havercamp puts hand out for club, Tony hands it to him as he attempts to shoot away from the green] No... Mr. Havercamp. The green's right over there, sir.
Mrs. Havercamp: [knocking ball into the pond] Whee!
Mr. Havercamp: That's a peach, hon! Oh, by golly... I'm hot today!
[he slices it and it barely misses Tony's head]
Share thisAl Czervik: No respect.
Share thisCarl Spackler: Freeze Gopher!
Share thisTony D'Annunzio: [carrying Czervik's golf bag] What do you got in here, rocks?
Al Czervik: Are you kiddin'? When I was your age, I would lug fifty pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs!
Tony D'Annunzio: [puts down Czervik's bag, exasperated] So what?
Al Czervik: So what?
[opens compartment in golf bag, revealing radio]
Al Czervik: So let's dance!
[turns on Journey's "Any Way You Want It," high volume]
Share thisJudge Smails: Yes. Yes. Winter rules.
Share thisMaggie O'Hooligan: I'm late.
Danny Noonan: Late for what?
Maggie O'Hooligan: For not being pregnant!
Share thisAl Czervik: Hey! Can you make a Bullshot?
Tony D'Annunzio: Can you make a shoe smell?
Al Czervik: Very funny. Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this.
Share thisDanny Noonan: [trying to make small talk with Chuck after Smails has introduced them] Well, I'm going to college too.
Chuck Schick: [haughtily] Really... are you going to Harvard?
Danny Noonan: No, St. Copius of northern...
Chuck Schick: Where?
Lacey Underall: [walking up with Terry, at Danny] Hey Cary Grant... you wanna get high?
Terry the Hippie: Wait a minute! I only got a little!
Lacey Underall: Then split, OK Terry?
Terry the Hippie: [leaving] Sure.
Lacey Underall: [to Chuck] Bye, Chuck!
[she and Danny grimace towards him, he leaves]
Danny Noonan: Guess I'm a little overdressed?
Lacey Underall: Depends on what's underneath... come on.
Share thisAl Czervik: Hey, Smails! My dinghy's bigger than your whole boat!
Share thisLou Loomis: Pick up that blood!
Share thisTy Webb: No one likes a tattletale, Danny... except of course, me.
Share thisAl Czervik: That kangaroo stole my ball.
Share thisLifeguard: [Yelling to a rowdy swimmer] You put your suit on!
Joey D'Annunzio: Go shave your ass!
[Jumps off diving board]
Share thisRichard Richards: Better come in till this blows over.
Bishop: What do you think, fella?
Carl Spackler: I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff's gonna come down for quite awhile.
Bishop: You're right. Anyway, the Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
[THUNDER]
Share thisBishop: [as he misses a putt on the 18th hole during the thunderstorm] OH, RAT FART!
[he holds up his club and is hit by lightning... Carl drops the golf bag and leaves him there]
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