[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood with her stick]
Elwood: Ow, you fat penguin!
Willie 'Too Big' Hall: You'll never get Matt and Mr. Fabulous out of them high-payin' gigs.
Jake: Oh yeah? Well me and the Lord, we have an understanding.
Curtis: Boys, you got to learn not to talk to nuns that way.
Mrs. Murphy: May I help you boys?
Elwood: You got any white bread?
Mrs. Murphy: Yes.
Elwood: I'll have some toasted white bread please.
Mrs. Murphy: You want butter or jam on that toast, honey?
Elwood: No ma'am, dry.
[Mrs. Murphy gives him a look, then turns to Jake]
Jake: Got any fried chicken?
Mrs. Murphy: Best damn chicken in the state.
Jake: Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke.
Mrs. Murphy: You want chicken wings or chicken legs?
Jake: Four fried chickens and a Coke.
Elwood: And some dry white toast please.
Mrs. Murphy: Y'all want anything to drink with that?
Elwood: No ma'am.
Jake: A Coke.
Mrs. Murphy: Be up in a minute
Elwood: The light was yellow, sir.
[Jake Blues is released on parole and gets back all the things he wore when he was arrested]
Corrections Officer: One Timex digital watch, broken. One unused prophylactic.
[looks disgusted, picks something up with his pen]
Corrections Officer: One soiled. One black suit jacket, one pair black suit pants. One hat
[punches it back out to full]
Corrections Officer: black. One pair of sunglasses. $23.07. Sign here.
[Elwood Blues Jake Blues has a fight over the police car Elwood Blues got after he traded away the original bluesmobile for a microphone]
Elwood: You don't like it?
Jake: No I don't like it...
[Elwood Blues floors the pedal and jumps over an open drawbridge]
Jake: Car's got a lot of pickup.
Elwood: It's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
[a brief thinking pause while Jake attempts to light a cigarette]
Jake: Fix the cigarette lighter.
[while standing at the entrance to the Triple Rock church watching the service with much dancing and Hallelujah choruses, a heavenly light shines down on Jake and he has an epiphany]
Jake: The band? The band.
Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?
Jake: THE BAND!
Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?
Elwood: What light?
Reverend Cleophus James: HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT?
Jake: YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!
Elwood: Oh no.
Jake: What the fuck was that?
Elwood: The motor. We've thrown a rod.
Jake: Is that serious?
Donald 'Duck' Dunn: We had a band powerful enough to turn goat piss into gasoline.
[to man in restaurant]
Jake: [fakes accent] How much for the little girl? How much for the women?
Jake: Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children!
[after a burst of gunfire from the Mystery Woman, Jake climbs to his feet, covered in mud from the tunnel floor]
Jake: It's good to see you, sweetheart.
Mystery Woman: You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.
[Jake falls to his knees]
Jake: Oh, please, don't kill us! Please, please don't kill us! You know I love you baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault!
Mystery Woman: You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
Jake: No, I didn't. Honest... I ran out of gas. I... I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!
[Elwood covers his head in anticipation of more gunfire, Jake removes his sunglasses to make a wordless appeal, and the Mystery Woman visibly softens]
Mystery Woman: Oh, Jake... Jake, honey...
[Jake embraces the Mystery Woman and they kiss]
Jake: [to Elwood] Let's go.
[He drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]
Elwood: [to the Mystery Woman as he steps past her] Take it easy.
Curtis: Well, the Sister was right. You boys could use a little churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock, and catch Rev. Cleophus. You boys listen to what he's got to say.
Jake: Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.
Curtis: Jake, you get wise. You get to church.
Jake: [to Sister Mary Stigmata] Five grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood.
Sister Mary Stigmata: No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!
Jake: Well then... I guess you're really up Shit Creek.
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with a ruler for using that kind of language]
Sister Mary Stigmata: I beg your pardon, what did you say?
Jake: I offered to help you... You refused to take our money. Then I said: I guess you're really up Shit Creek!
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with the ruler again]
Elwood: Christ, Jake. Take it easy man.
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]
Jake: Oh shit!
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues]
Elwood: Jesus Christ!
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]
Jake: We'll put the band back together, do a few gigs, we get some bread. Bang! Five thousand bucks.
Elwood: Yeah, well, getting the band back together might not that be that easy, Jake.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Elwood: They split, they all took straight jobs.
Jake: Yeah, so you know where they are. You said you were gonna keep in touch with them.
Elwood: Well... I got a couple of leads, a few phone numbers, but I mean, how many of them visited or even wrote you, huh?
Jake: They're not the kinda guys who write letters. You were outside, I was inside. You were supposed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.
Elwood: Well, what was I gonna do? Take away your only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of bullshitting you, okay?
Jake: You lied to me.
Elwood: It wasn't a lie, it was just bullshit.
[Elwood Blues has just passed on a red light, and a police car rolls up behind them. The words are said in the same rhythm as a blues song ("Soothe Me") on the car stereo]
Elwood: Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail me now.
Jake: First you traded the Cadillac in for a microphone. Then you lied to me about the band. And now you're gonna put me right back in the joint!
Elwood: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.
[while they are driving around in the shopping mall with 2 police cars on their tail]
Elwood: Baby clothes...
Jake: This place has got everything.
Elwood: We're on a mission from God.
Mrs. Murphy: Don't you "Don't get riled, sugar" me! You ain't goin' back on the road no more, and you ain't playin' them ol' two-bit sleazy dives. You're livin' with me now, and you not gonna go slidin' around witcho ol' white hoodlum friends.
Matt Murphy: But babes, this is Jake and Elwood, the Blues Brothers.
Mrs. Murphy: The Blues Brothers? Shit! They still owe you money, fool.
Jake: Ma'am, would it make you feel any better if you knew that what we're asking Matt here to do is a holy thing?
Elwood: You see, we're on a mission from God.
Mrs. Murphy: Don't you blaspheme in here! Don't you blaspheme in here! This is my man, this is my restaurant, and you two are just gonna walk right out that door without your dry white toast, without your four fried chickens, and without Matt 'Guitar' Murphy!
Murph: Tell me a little about this electric piano, Ray.
Ray: Ah, you have a good eye, my man. That's the best in the city Chicago.
Jake: How much?
Ray: 2000 bucks and it's yours. You can take it home with you. As a matter of fact, I'll throw in the black keys for free.
Elwood: What kind of music do you usually have here?
Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got country *and* western.
Jake: Book us for tomorrow night.
Maury Sline: Hold it, hold it. Tomorrow night? What are you talking about? A gig like that, you gotta prepare the proper exploitation.
Elwood: I know all about that stuff. I have been exploited all my life.
Police Dispatcher: Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers HAS been approved.
Burton Mercer: Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips.
Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark... and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.
Elwood: [after crashing the Bluesmobile in a car dealership] The new Oldsmobiles are in early this year!
Burton Mercer: [to Trooper Daniel] Hi! Wanna hand me the mike?
[Daniel gives him the police radio]
Burton Mercer: Thanks a lot.
[speaking in radio]
Burton Mercer: Hi, this is car um...
[to Officer Mount]
Burton Mercer: What number are we?
Officer Mount: Five-five.
Burton Mercer: [to radio] Car 55. Um... we're in a truck!
Elwood: This is definitely Lower Wacker Drive! If my estimations are correct, we should be very close to the Honorable Richard J. Daley Plaza!
Jake: That's where they got that Picasso.
Trooper La Fong: They broke my watch!
Elwood: Hey, Jake. Jake. I gotta pull over.
[he drives the Bluesmobile off the road, right through a guardrail]
Elwood: [Police have surrounded the Blues Brothers concert] ... And we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois's law enforcement community that have chosen to join us here in the Palace Hotel Ballroom at this time...
[Carrie flame throws a propane tank next to a phone booth they are in - it blows sky high and crashes down to earth - the phone breaking in half]
Elwood: Hey, Jake. Gotta be at least seven dollars worth of change here.
Elwood: I bet these cops got SCMODS.
Elwood: State County Municipal Offender Data System.
Jake: Maury, you gotta come through for us. We need $5,000 fast.
Maury Sline: $5,000? Who do you think you are, The Beatles?
Jake: That Night Train's a mean wine.
Elwood: You want I should wash the dead bugs off the windshield?
The Cheese Whiz: Did you get me my Cheez Wiz, boy?
Elwood: You on the motorcycle... You two girls... tell your friends.
Jake: Uh, Bob, about the money for tonight.
Bob: Oh, yeah, $200, and you boys drank $300 worth of beer.
Jake: How are you gonna get the band back together, Mr. Hot Rodder? Those cops have your name, your address...
Elwood: They don't have my address. I falsified my renewal. I put down 1060 West Addison.
Jake: 1060 West Addison? That's Wrigley Field.
Mr. Fabulous: It's a fucking barn. We'll never fill it.
Jake: Take $1400 and give it to Ray's Music Exchange in Calumet City. Give the rest to the band.
Elwood: This is glue. Strong stuff.
Reverend Cleophus James: And now, people... And now, people... When I woke up this mornin', I heard a distubin' sound. I said When I woke up this mornin', I heard a disturbin' sound! What I heard was the jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls! I'm talkin' 'bout the souls of mortal men and women, departed from this life. Wait a minute! Those lost angry souls roamin' unseen on the earth, seekin' to find life they'll not find, because it's too late! Tooooo late, yeah! Too late for they'll never see again the life they choose not to follow. Alright! Alright! Don't be lost when your time comes! For the day of the Lord cometh as a thief in the night!
Reverend Cleophus James: YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! Can I get an AMEN?
[congregation shouts "AMEN!"]
Reverend Cleophus James: Can I get an AMEN?
[congregation shouts "AMEN!" again]
Reverend Cleophus James: Well Well Well!
[breaks into "The Old Landmark"]
Jake: [about the electric piano] $2,000 for this chunk of shit? C'mon, Ray.
Murph: [tests the piano] I mean really, Ray, it's used. There's no action left in this keyboard.
Ray: [smiles, comes out to the piano] E-excuse me, uh, I don't think there's anything wrong with the action on this piano.
[launches into "Shake Your Tail Feather"]
Ray: Pardon me, but we have a strict policy concerning the handling of the instruments. An employee of Ray's Music Exchange must be present. Now, may I help you?
Murph: [reacting to the lights at Bob's Country Bar being turned off] Hey, why'd they turn out the lights?
Willie 'Too Big' Hall: Maybe they blew a fuse.
'Blue Lou' Marini: I don't think so, man! Those lights are off on purpose.
Elwood: [deleted scene] Boss, I need to tell you that I gotta quit.
Elwood's Boss: Why Elwood?
Elwood: I'm going to become a priest.
[after arriving at Wrigley Field, thinking it's Elwood's house]
Head Nazi: [to the Nazis] Clever. Still... anybody with that kind of record is gonna make a mistake. I want all party members in the tri-state district to monitor the city, county and state police on their CBs. Sooner or later Mr. Blues is gonna fuck up, and when he does... he better pray the police get to him before we do.
Jake: Look at you, in those candy-ass monkey suits. And I thought I had it bad in Joliet.
Willie 'Too Big' Hall: At least we got a change of clothes, sucker. You're wearing the same shit you had on three years ago.
[after Jake tells the band to split from Bob's Country Bunker]
Willie 'Too Big' Hall: I say we give the blues brothers one more chance
Donald 'Duck' Dunn: Why not? If the shit fits, wear it.
[gets into the car]
Donald 'Duck' Dunn: Scoot over, goddamnit.
[Trying to get Mr. Fabulous back into the band]
Jake: If you say no, Elwood and I will come here for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day of the week.
[Elwood takes a huge, obnoxious bite out of his bread]
Mr. Fabulous: Okay, okay. I'll play. You got me.
[the Good Ole Boys arrive late]
Jake: My name is Jacob Stein. I'm from the American Federation of Music. I've been sent to see if you gentlemen are carrying your permits.
Tucker McElroy: Our what?
Jake: Your union cards. May I see your cards please?
Tucker McElroy: Well, suppose we ain't got no union cards and go in there and start playin' anyway? Whatcha gonna do about that? You gonna stop us, Stein? Ha. You're gonna look pretty funny tryin' to eat corn on the cob with no fuckin' teeth!
[Camille has fired a machine gun at Jake and Elwood]
Elwood: Who *is* that girl?
Mrs. Murphy: We got two honkies out there dressed like Hasidic diamond merchants.
Matt Murphy: Say what?
Mrs. Murphy: They look like they're from the CIA, or somethin'.
Matt Murphy: What they want to eat?
Mrs. Murphy: The tall one wants white bread, toasted, dry, with nothin' on it.
Matt Murphy: Elwood.
Mrs. Murphy: And the other one wants four whole fried chickens and a Coke.
Matt Murphy: And Jake. Shit, the Blues Brothers!
[the brothers race around the mall parking lot]
Elwood: We'll be all right if we can just get back on the expressway.
Jake: This don't look like no expressway to me!
Elwood: Don't yell at me.
Jake: Well whadda you want me to do, Motorhead?
Elwood: Try not to be so negative all the time. Why don't you offer a little... constructive criticism?
Jake: You got us into to this parking lot, pal. Now you get us out!
Elwood: You want outta this parking lot?... O.K.
Burton Mercer: This, gentlemen, is the elegant abode of one Elwood Blues.
Officer Mount: Thanks for your help, Mr. Mercer.
Burton Mercer: You know, I kind of like the Wrigley Field bit.
Officer Mount: Yeah, *real* cute.
Tucker McElroy: [to Bob after they accidently drive into a lake] Don't you say a fucking word!
SWAT Team Commander: Excuse me! Did you see two guys come through here, black suits, black hats, one carrying a briefcase?
Lobby Guard #1: Yeah! I just sent 'em down there.
SWAT Team Commander: Thank you!
[hundreds of cops continues charge]
[Arriving at the Orphanage]
Jake: What are we doing here?
Elwood: You promised you'd visit the penguin the day you got out.
Jake: Yeah? So I lied to her.
Elwood: You can't lie to a nun. We got to go in and visit the penguin.
Jake: No... fucking... way.
Officer Mount: I don't believe it. It's that shitbox Dodge again!
Trooper Daniel: Those bastards are ours now!
Elwood: [during "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love"] People, when you do find that special somebody, you gotta hold that man, hold that woman! Love him, please him, squeeze her, please her! Signify your feelings with every gentle caress, because it's so important to have that special somebody to hold, to kiss, to miss, to squeeze, and please!
Toys 'R Us Saleswoman: Will there be anything else?
Toys 'R Us Customer: Yes, do you have the Miss Piggy?
Ray: Breaks my heart to see a boy that young goin' bad.
Bob: That ain't no Hank Williams song!
[at the closing, as each character is credited]
Reverend Cleophus James: The sad sack was sittin' on a block o' stone/Way over in the corner weepin' all alone/
Curtis: The warden said, "Hey, buddy, don't you be no square / if you can't find a partner use a wooden chair!"
Ray: Let's rock, everybody, let's rock/
Mrs. Murphy: Everybody on the whole cell block / Was dancin' to the Jailhouse rock.
Willie 'Too Big' Hall: So, Jake, you're out, you're free, you're rehabilitated. What's next? What's happenin'? What you gonna do? You got the money you owe us, motherfucker?
Mr. Fabulous: No, sir, Mayor Daley no longer dines here. He's dead, sir.
Jake: What's this?
Jake: This car. This stupid car! Where's the Cadillac?
[Elwood doesn't answer]
Jake: The Caddy! Where's the Caddy?
Elwood: The what?
Jake: The Cadillac we used to have. The Bluesmobile!
Elwood: I traded it.
Jake: You traded the Bluesmobile for this?
Elwood: No, for a microphone.
Jake: A microphone?
Jake: Okay I can see that. What the hell is this?
Elwood: This was a bargain. I picked it up at the Mount Prospect city police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect police car. They were practically giving 'em away.
Jake: Well thank you, pal. The day I get outta prison, my own brother picks me up in a *police* car!
Gruppenfuehrer: [to Head Nazi, as they plummet off the bridge] I've always loved you.
Head Nazi: White men! White women! The swastika is calling you. The sacred and ancient symbol of your race, since the beginning of time. The Jew is using The Black as muscle against you. And you are left there helpless. Well, what are you going to do about it, Whitey? Just sit there? Of course not! You are going to join with us. The members of the American Socialist White Peoples' Party. An organization of decent, law abiding white folk. Just like you!
Elwood: Hey you sleaze, my bed!
Sister Mary Stigmata: [after chasing Jake and Elwood out of her office with a ruler for using foul language] You are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I raised to believe in the Ten Commandments have returned to me as two thieves, with filthy mouths and bad attitudes.
[pauses and points at them]
Sister Mary Stigmata: Get out, and don't come back until you've redeemed yourselves.
Elwood: Tonight only, the fabulous Blues Brothers. Rhythm and Blues review. The Palace Hotel Ballroom. Route 16. Lake Wazzapamani. The fabulous Blues Brothers show band and review.
Prison Guard #1: Yeah, the Assistant Warden wants this one out of the block early. Wants to get it over with fast.
Prison Guard #2: Okay, let's do it.
[rattling the bars with his baton]
Prison Guard #1: Hey come on, it's time to wake up.
Prison Guard #2: Wake up. Let's go, it's time.
[striking the sleeping Jake with his baton]
Cook County Assessor's Office Clerk: Can I help you?
[the brothers back him up and lift him onto the counter]
Jake: This is where they pay the taxes, right?
Elwood: This money is for the year's assessment of Saint Helen of the Blessed Shroud Orphanage in Calumet City, Illinois.
Jake: 5,000 bucks, it's all there pal...
Elwood: [the Mystery Woman sprays the tunnel with gunfire as Jake and Elwood dive for the ground] Who *is* that girl?
Mystery Woman: Well Jake, you look just fine down there, slithering in the mud like vermin.
Jake: [makes a reassuring gesture to Elwood] No problem.
Jake: We're putting the band back together.
Mr. Fabulous: Forget it. No way.
Elwood: We're on a mission from God.
Elwood: We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight. And we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois's law enforcement community that have chosen to join us here in the Palace Hotel Ballroom at this time. We certainly hope you all enjoy the show. And remember, people, that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there're still some things that makes us all the same. You. Me. Them. Everybody. Everybody.