The President: Take air force one.
Jim Richardson: Sir, Air Force one is broken
The President: Broken?
Jim Richardson: Yes sir.
The President: The whole plane?
Jim Richardson: In a sense sir, you remember where the Washington monument used to be?
Wilbur Finletter: My God! It's Adolf Hitler!
Mason Dixon: This is Sam Smith. He's our undercover expert. He's only disguised as Adolf Hitler.
News Announcer: [voice-over] And today the president closed the nation's last remaining submarine base at Groton, Connecticut. When asked why he had made the startling decision the president responded, "Those funny little black ships just keep sinking anyway."
Ted Swan: We have to convince the little housewife out there that the tomato that ate the family pet is not dangerous!
Sam Smith: [after infiltrating the tomatoes and is eating with them] Hey, can somebody please pass the ketchup? Whoops!
Ted Swan: But he wants us to do that, AND make this appear to be a blessing in disguise? Now that's a challenge.
Jim Richardson: The President does tend to expect the impossible...
Ted Swan: You're not listening to me Richardson. I said it would be a CHALLENGE. Man was put on this earth to face challenges my boy.
Jim Richardson: You can do it?
Commerical voice: Last year, more people were killed by automobile accidents, heart attacks, lung cancer, and natural causes combined than by any one tomato.
Jim Richardson: Nobody is closer to power then the press secretary for the president. But it is never fully yours, it's dangling in front of you. Mocking your very existence. I WILL NOT BE MOCKED ANY LONGER!
Jim Richardson: I can say without fear of contradiction, that under no circumstances, and at no time has that current administration expended any public monies whatsoever for the purchase of the fluffy flower print toilet paper.
Ted Swan: Can I do it?
[manically laughs, then sings]
Ted Swan: Some sell, some buy, and only we know why! The wrapper's more important than the price! Important decisions are made each day, much too important for the plain folk to make. They're always in a bind, so we're here to help them make up their mind!