Richard Pryor: I like makin' love myself, and I can make love for about three minutes. I do about three minutes of serious fuckin', then I need eight hours sleep! And a bowl of Wheaties!
Richard Pryor: And it seemed fair to kill my car to me, right, 'cause my wife was gonna leave my ass. And I said "not in this mother fucker you ain't. If you leave, you be driving those Hush Puppies you got on."
Richard Pryor: There are two billion Chinese people livin' in China. That's how you know someone's doing some serious fucking...
Richard Pryor: I know why things grow from horse shit. They be trying to get to air!
Richard Pryor: [talking about Leon Spinks being busted] But bad luck being fucking with him, Jack. Here is a nigger that gets busted for a dollar and fifty cents worth of cocaine. Do you hear me, a dollar and fifty cents worth of cocaine. Have you ever sen a dollar and fifty cents worth of cocaine? A dollar and fifty cents worth of cocaine melts before you open the paper. You've got to have a ballistics expert on the spot to examine that kind of shit. And people always say 'well how did he get busted for a dollar and fifty cents worth of cocaine?' I have a theory. Would you like to hear it?
Richard Pryor: [audience collectively yells 'YES'] If you buy a dollar and fifty cents worth of cocaine from any cocaine dealer in America, HE'S gonna tell on your ass!
Richard Pryor: I'd always try to go to sleep to get out of an ass whupping. You know, pass up supper and everything, ease in the covers, think I got it made. She'd wake your ass up. One in the morning...
Richard Pryor: [making motions as if he was beating someone] Get your ass, out of that bed. I told you, put your... don't you run from me! Don't you ever run from me! As long as you black, don't you run from me!
Richard Pryor: That was some hell of a psychology right? To make someone go get a switch to beat their own ass with. My grandmother would say 'boy, go get me something to beat your ass with'. And that would be the longest walk in the world, Jack. And you knew you couldn't come back with no little one, either. Cause you come back with a little one, she goin' out there and get the tree and beat your ass with. Right you'd be going in the house and it would be making such a weird sound like
[makes a whooshing sound]
Richard Pryor: it make you start crying before you get in the house, right?
[makes the sound again]
Richard Pryor: [crying] Mama. Mama I won't do it no more, mama!
Richard Pryor: [talking about after his heart attack] There was an old guy in the room next to me and he died. He was in room twenty-four and I was in twenty-five. And I thought 'God knows mathematics. After twenty-four, comes twenty-five'. And I heard the nurses talking and one of them said 'well didn't you check on him?' 'Well he was all right two days ago'. 'Oh. Hmm. Well if you don't say nothing I won't say nothing.' I said a motherfucker could die here for real and nobody could give a fuck. So I started tearing tubes and shit out my arm. I was trying to get out of the hospital and that demerol be fucking with you, right? The nurse said 'you can't leave'. You lying motherfucker! I'm goin' outside and die in the gutter where somebody can find my ass.
Richard Pryor: [recounting his heart attack] I was walking in the yard when somebody said 'Don't breathe no more'. I said 'huh?' 'I said don't breathe no motherfuckin' more, you heard me!' 'Okay, okay I won't breathe, I won't breathe, I won't breathe'. And I tried to ease a little air inside of my mouth and I heard 'say, motherfucker, didn't I TELL you not to breathe?' 'You told me not to breathe, you told me not to breathe, you told me not to breathe'. 'Well, where you going, why you walking? Stand still, motherfucker!' Okay, okay. 'Get your ass down'. 'Okay, okay, I'm down, I'm down, I'm down. Don't hurt me no more' 'Shut the fuck up. You think about dyin' now, ain't ya?' 'Yes, yes' 'Why didn't you think about it when you was eatin' that PORK, motherfucker? Drinkin' that whiskey and snortin' that cocaine, nigger?'