The Muppet Movie (1979)
Fozzie: [walking into the church and seeing the Electric Mayhem] They don't look like Presbyterians to me.
Statler: I'm Statler.
Waldorf: I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gate Guard: Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
Statler: Private screening?
Waldorf: Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
[they laugh as their car proceeds forward]
Statler: I like the movie fine so far.
Waldorf: It hasn't started yet.
Statler: That's what I like about it.
Miss Piggy: Kermie, whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
Kermit: Uh... motorcycle cop.
Miss Piggy: "Motorcycle cop" is a sweet nothing?
Kermit: A motorcycle cop is chasing us.
Statler: Well, how do you like the film?
Waldorf: I've seen detergents leave a better film than this.
Kermit: [singing; repeated lines] Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
Kermit: [singing] Life's like a movie, write your own ending...
All Muppets: [singing] Keep believing, keep pretending; we've done just what we've set out to do, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you!
Fozzie: Ahh, a bear in his natural habitat - a Studebaker.
Dr. Teeth: [after the Electric Mayhem paint the Studebaker] Doc Hopper will never recognize you now.
Fozzie: I don't know how to thank you guys.
Kermit: I don't know *why* to thank you guys.
Kermit: Where did you learn to drive?
Fozzie: I took a correspondence course.
[Professor Max Krassman has just put Kermit in the electronic beanie]
Miss Piggy: [desperate] Please! Please! Not my frog, please!
Max Krassman: Say goodbye to your frog, pig!
Miss Piggy: Why should I?
Max Krassman: Because in 10 seconds, he won't know *you* from kosher bacon.
Miss Piggy: [furious] That does it!
Kermit: Hey, Fozzie, I want you to turn left if you come to a fork in the road.
Fozzie: Yes sir, turn left at the fork in the road.
[drives past a giant fork]
Kermit: I don't believe that.
Sam the Eagle: Kermit, does this film have socially redeeming value?
Miss Piggy: [gushing] Ooh, you mad, impetuous thing, it's champagne!
Insolent Waiter: Not exactly. Sparkling Muscatel, one of the finest wines of Idaho.
Kermit: Gee. A Studebaker. Where did you get it?
Fozzie: Oh, my uncle left it to me.
Kermit: Huh, is he dead?
Fozzie: No, he's hibernating.
Kermit: It's too bad the dancing girls are on vacation; this crowd's getting ugly.
Fozzie: Huh. If you think this crowd's ugly, you should see the dancing girls.
Dr. Teeth: [reading the screenplay] "Interior. Church. Day. Fozzie: 'They don't look like Presbyterians to me.'"
Kermit: That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwinn.
Fozzie: Hey, why don't you join us?
Gonzo: Where are you going?
Fozzie: We're following our dream!
Gonzo: Really? I have a dream, too!
Gonzo: But you'll think it's stupid.
Fozzie: No we won't, tell us, tell us!
Gonzo: Well, I want to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star.
Fozzie: You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star! You go where we're going: Hollywood.
Gonzo: Sure, if you want to do it the *easy* way.
Fozzie: [to Kermit] We've picked up a weirdo...
Rowlf the Dog: It's not often you see a guy that green have the blues that bad.
[when seeing Fozzie perform for the first time]
Kermit: This guy's lost.
Waiter: Maybe he should try Hare Krishna.
Kermit: Good grief, it's a running gag.
Robin the Frog: Uncle Kermit, is this how the Muppets *really* got started?
Kermit: Well, it's sort of approximately how it happened.
The Swedish Chef: The flim is okee-dokee.
Kermit: Good, roll film.
The Swedish Chef: Flim is rooling!
[Animal roars and scares Kermit and Fozzie]
Floyd Pepper: Oh, yeah, that's Animal. Show 'em what you do, Animal.
Animal: I want to - eat drums!
[chews on a cymbal]
Dr. Teeth: No, no. Beat drums, beat drums!
Animal: [stops chewing] Beat drums! Beat drums!
[Starts beating his head against that same cymbal]
Floyd Pepper: Down, Animal!
Floyd Pepper: Back!
Floyd Pepper: Sit!
Kermit: Miss Piggy, you look beautiful!
Miss Piggy: Thank you!
Kermit: [aside] Hollywood talk.
Kermit: [asks the waiter to taste the wine for him and Miss Piggy] Will you taste it for us, please?
Insolent Waiter: [tastes the wine, makes a face and spits it out] Ooh! Ah... Excellent - choice.
Kermit: [to Miss Piggy] Should be, for ninety-five cents.
Miss Piggy: [impressed] Ooooh!
Kermit: You may serve us now, please.
Insolent Waiter: Oh... may I?
Fozzie: Oh, I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny, I won't be able to live with myself.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, then you'll have to get another apartment, won't you?
El Sleezo Cafe Owner: That's toughest, meanest, *filthiest* pest hole on the face of the earth!
Kermit: Why not complain to the owner?
El Sleezo Cafe Owner: I *am* the owner.
Kermit: [watching Gonzo fly over the fair with a bunch of balloons] Gonzo! What are you doing?
Gonzo: About seven knots!
Max Krassman: It is important to remember that you have to hold on to your hat.
Doc Hopper: What for?
Max Krassman: When a German scientist tells you to hold on to your hat, it's not casual conversation. HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT! HAT! HOLD!
[Doc Hoppper grabs his hat brim]
Max Krassman: Good.
Kermit: [whispering] Patriotic part.
Robin the Frog: [whispering back] Should we stand up?
Fozzie: [after singing "America the Beautiful"] Patriotism swells in the heart of the American bear.
[the members of The Electric Mayhem are introducing themselves one by one]
Zoot: I'm, uh, uhh...
Floyd Pepper: Zoot. Sax is your axe. Uh-oh, Zoot skipped a groove again.
Kermit: What's happening?
Floyd Pepper: At the moment, *we're* what's happenin'.
Rowlf the Dog: Oh. Broken heart, right?
Kermit: [sadly] Does it show?
Rowlf the Dog: Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf the Dog: Ah, typical. That's why I live alone.
Kermit: You do, huh?
Rowlf the Dog: You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed.
Kermit: Nice and simple.
Rowlf the Dog: Stay away from women. That's my motto.
Kermit: But I can't.
Rowlf the Dog: Neither can I. And that's my trouble.
Mad Man Mooney: Jack, get rid of this heap. Come out here!
Sweetums: What? What?
Mad Man Mooney: That's my jack.
Kermit: Oh, hi Jack!
Sweetums: Jack not name! Jack job!
Mad Man Mooney: [whispering] How many times have I told you not to talk to the customers?
Doc Hopper: Listen, we're a small business but we've expanded. Expanded! Just like you frogs expand. Don't you frogs expand?
[puffs his cheeks]
Kermit: That's a myth.
Doc Hopper: What?
Kermit: Myth! Myth!
[same with Fozzie]
Kermit: [to Fozzie]
Kermit: C'mon, bear, burn rubber!
Kermit: Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead there.
Fozzie: What is that?
Kermit: Maybe we should give him a ride.
Fozzie: I don't know, he's pretty big.
Fozzie: [to Big Bird] Hey there, wanna lift?
Big Bird: Oh, no thanks. I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television.
Fozzie: Oh. Hm, good luck.
[after Fozzie speeds off from the TV shop]
Doc Hopper: Max! Follow that frog!
[Max drives off leaving Doc Hopper behind]
Doc Hopper: [screaming] Max!
[Max stops and reverses the car]
Doc Hopper: Follow that frog with *me* in the car!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Sound is ready. Gimme a level.
Animal: [yelling through microphone] *TES-TIIIING!*
[we see Bunsen's headphones rattle repeatedly]
Miss Piggy: Oh Kermie, you were so courageous, so magnificent!
Kermit: Gee, I don't know what to say.
Fozzie: Say the bear was magnificent. After all, I did the driving.
Gonzo: And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car!
Miss Piggy: Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command!
Fozzie: Oh, brother.
Fozzie: Hello, I'd like an ice cream.
Ice Cream Vendor: What do you want? Chocolate, vanilla, coffee, peach, fudge, rum, banana?
Ice Cream Vendor: Honey? I beg your pardon, I hardly know you.
Fozzie: Ah! But seriously, I'd like a honey ice cream cone for me, and a dragonfly ripple for my friend the frog.
Ice Cream Vendor: OK.
[handing him the ice creams]
Ice Cream Vendor: One honey cone for the bear.
Ice Cream Vendor: And one dragonfly ripple for the frog.
Ice Cream Vendor: Don't get 'em mixed up.
Fozzie: Kermit, where are we?
Kermit: [Looking at a map] Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little black line here, and uh, just crossed that little red line over here.
Fozzie: [after taking his eyes off the road to focus on the map] How about, let's take the blue line, huh?
Kermit: No, we can't take that, that's a river.
Fozzie: Oh. I knew that.
Kermit: Yeah sure.
Fozzie: Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...
Kermit: [Cutting him off] Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?
Kermit: Who's driving?
Kermit: [after Fozzie parks the car in front of a church and turns it off] Boy, it feels like we've been driving for days.
Fozzie: [Still upbeat] Funny, yet I'm still wide awake!
Kermit: Yup. Me, too.
[Two seconds later Fozzie's head falls back, and he immediately starts snoring. Kermit jumps at that, then shrugs]
Kermit: [quietly] Me, too.
[Drops his head back and settles in himself]
Kermit: [navigating in the Studebaker] Bear left.
Fozzie: Right, frog.
Doc Hopper: Hey - frog! That's the second time! Max, I've done my best with that frog, now's the time to do my worst. Open the door.
Max: No, YOU open the door!
Doc Hopper: What?
Max: I'm through, Doc. The frog is right. You're asking him to do something terrible. I can't be a part of it. It's a moral decision and I'll stand by it.
Doc Hopper: I'll double your percentage.
Max: I'll open the door.
Floyd Pepper: What in the name of Fats Waller is that?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: A four foot prune!
Dr. Teeth: [on reading the muppet movie script] This is a narrative of very heavy-duty proportions.
Kermit: [Movie stops after burning in projector lamp] Hey, what happened?
The Swedish Chef: [In projector booth, covered in film] Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee, burn-dee, flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip.
Doc Hopper: [pointing to a billboard showing a bucket of "Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog Legs"] Isn't that splendid? Just splendid! Just take a look at it.
Kermit: All I can see are millions of frogs with tiny crutches.
Kermit: [to audience] I hope you appreciate that I'm doing all my own stunts.
Crazy Harry: Crazy Harry plays with electricity! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Dr. Teeth: It's the man with the badge, the PO-lice, the cops, the fuzz, the P-I-...
Miss Piggy: Don't you dare!
Dr. Teeth: I wouldn't think of it.
Charlie McCarthy: [to the audience] You're not gonna believe who the winner is, folks.
Edgar Bergen: Oh, come now, Charlie, it's their movie.
Charlie McCarthy: Oh, so it is, yes.
Beauty Contest Compere: And here she is folks, this year's Miss Bogen County: Misssss... Piggy!
Floyd Pepper: We am, is, are, and be, they whom as are known as: The Electric Mayhem!
Dr. Teeth: Golden teeth and golden tones, welcome to my presence.
Dr. Teeth: Too true. Too true. It is indeed a problem for us to 'probosculate' upon. But it seems to me the frog and the bear are temporarily out of service.
Animal: IR-RI-TA-TED! IR-RI-TA-TED!
Kermit: Don't worry, Animal, your big scene is coming up.
Floyd Pepper: Yeah, just be cool and eat another seat cushion.
Animal: SEAT CUSHION!
[rips off some upholstery and stuffing at the corner of his chair and eats it]
Kermit: I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
Kermit's Conscience: So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
Kermit: 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
Kermit's Conscience: On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
Kermit: Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear, and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
Kermit's Conscience: [Kermit's Conscience is sitting on a rock behind him] Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
Kermit: No I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
Kermit's Conscience: Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
Kermit: But... that's because they believed in me.
Kermit's Conscience: No, they believed in the dream.
Kermit: Well, so do I, but...
Kermit's Conscience: You do?
Kermit: Yeah! Of course I do.
Kermit's Conscience: Well then?
Kermit: Well then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.
Kermit: That's Piggy!
Fozzie: Yes, I know!
Rowlf the Dog: Hey, you do think we should help her with her bags?
Fozzie: Aah, no.
Fozzie: No, nah, un-uh.
Doc Hopper: Hey, maybe this frog does everything. He talks, he sings, he dances, he tells jokes, he even rides a bicycle. Max, find me a frog and a bear in a tan Studebaker.
Max: [Fozzie and Kermit appear in Fozzie's Studebaker, now rainbow-colored] Gee, Doc, all I can see is a frog and a bear in a rainbow-colored Studebaker.
Animal: [last lines - into camera] Go home! Go home! Bye-bye.
Kermit: Oh, waiter...
Insolent Waiter: [reluctantly] Yes? May I help you?
Kermit: The uh, the wine, please.
[explaining his machine]
Max Krassman: We take your friend, the little F-O-R-G, put him in the chair, clamp on the terminals, drop the electronic "yarmulke," and then throw what we call in German - THE SVITCH!
Max Krassman: Yes, my friend, soon it'll be a hot time in the old skull tonight!
[turns off the switch]
Max Krassman: Thank you, Herr Machine.
[putting Kermit in the machine]
Max Krassman: Oh, will you stop whimpering? Go out like a frog, not a little toad. Okay, Herr Machine, this is big time! Ready to go to work? Hand clamps! Foot clamps!
[locks Kermit in]
Max Krassman: Ha, ha, ha, you can struggle all you want now, frog, it'll do you very little *good*! And now, it's time to drop the electronic beanie. Soon you'll have enough voltage coursing through your little frog brain to light up Cincinatti!
Doc Hopper: [about Krassman's machine] What does it do?
Max Krassman: What does it do? What does it do? It turns the brains into guacamole!
Doc Hopper: I'll be back later to pick up what's left of the frog.
Max Krassman: What's left of the frog? You can have everything - excuse the brain!
[Doc Hopper is following Kermit and Fozzie in the rainbow disguised car]
Kermit: Fozzie, they're right behind us!
Fozzie: I know, I know.
Kermit: But Fozzie, how did they recognize us?
Fozzie: They recognized YOU. There's a hundred bears around.
Fozzie: [while driving down the road in the car] Ah, a bear in his natural habitat. A Studebaker!
Floyd Pepper: Yeah, the road manager. We couldn't go anywhere without him.
Fozzie: He's the man with the contacts?
Dr. Teeth: No, he's the man with the van.
Gonzo: [to Miss Piggy] If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.
Fozzie: [after he's thrown behind the bar, he pops up wearing a beard and dressed like the bartender]
Fozzie: Okay everybody, drinks on the house!
Male El Sleezo Patron: Hey, drinks on the house! C'mon let's go!
Fozzie: [as everyone but him and Kermit vacate the place] Yeah. Yeah. Go, go. They're on the house!
Male El Sleezo Patron: [Cut to the roof of the El Sleezo, where everyone else is now]
[Among the confusion and chatter of everyone else]
Male El Sleezo Patron: Wait a minute! There're no drinks up here! What's he talking about? The bartender told us there were drinks on the house!
Fozzie: [Cut back to the interior of the El Sleezo. After Fozzie removes the beard and moustache] Works every time.
Max Krassman: What the heck's going on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?
Fozzie: I'm a professional. I've had three performances.
[Kermit and the Muppets arrive in Hollywood]
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie, look, it's wonderful. Like a dream come true.
Kermit: Well, don't count your tadpoles until they've hatched, I still have to audition, you know.
Floyd Pepper: Hey, there ain't nothin' to it but to do it!
Lord's Secretary: [closes the door] And where do you think you're going?
Kermit: Oh, hi there. We're here to audition for Lew Lord.
Lord's Secretary: You just can't walk in here off the street you know, especially with all these animals.
Kermit: Animals? Wh-What's wrong with animals?
[Muppets mutter indignantly but indistinctly]
Lord's Secretary: This is a movie studio, not a zoo. Besides...
Lord's Secretary: ...I'm allergic to animal hair. Now get along all of you.
Kermit: Now wait a second, miss. I may not be one of your fancy Hollywood frogs, but I deserve a chance, and we're going to stay right here in this office until you let us in to see Lew Lord. Aren't we, gang?
[the Muppets shout "Yes" indistinctly]
Lord's Secretary: [on the phone] Security, Miss Tracey. I want to report a...
[the Muppets shake their fur, causing the secretary to sneeze convulsively until she finally opens the office door]
El Sleezo Patron: Hello, sailor, buy me a drink?
Kermit: Well, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog.
El Sleezo Patron: Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink.
Kermit: I don't even know you.
El Sleezo Tough: Hey. Did you make a move with my girl?
Kermit: No, sir.
El Sleezo Patron: He did too. He touched me.
El Sleezo Tough: Ugh. Wash up, you'll get warts.
Kermit: That's a myth.
El Sleezo Tough: Yeah, but she's my "myth"!
Kermit: No, no, myth, myth!
Fozzie: There was this sailor who was so fat!
Sailor: How fat was he?
Sailor: [breaks bottle and points it towards him threateningly]
Fozzie: [Nervously] Uh, he was so fat that everybody liked him and there was nothing funny about him at all.
Rowlf the Dog: [singing] You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. / There's something irresistible-ish about 'em. / We grin and bear it 'cause the nights are long. / I hope that something better comes along.
Bernie: If you ever come out west to Hollywood, look me up: Bernie, the agent.
Kermit: Hey, listen, Bernie the Agent, why don't you say "hello" to Arnie the alligator?
Dr. Teeth: [to Crazy Harry] You know, I hear this movie's dynamite.
[Crazy Harry blows up a chair]
Kermit: If what I'm saying doesn't make any sense, well then... go ahead and kill me.
Doc Hopper: [takes off his hat and fluffs his hair; reluctantly] All right boys. Kill him.
Doc Hopper: This is Snake Walker. Tell 'em what you do, Snake.
Frog Killer: [removes his sunglasses] Kill frogs.
Floyd Pepper: [about the Insta-Grow pills] What else do these pills make big?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Oh, they'll work on anything, but the effect is, sadly, temporary.
Beaker: Sadly temporary.
El Sleezo Pianist: And now, filling in for the vacationing El Sleezo Dancing Girls, the funny, furry, fabulous - Fozzie Bear!
Gonzo: All right, Camilla, I'll get you a balloon, but *you* have to pick the color: red or green?
Balloon Vendor: Can I give you a word of advice?
Balloon Vendor: Why not take both?
Gonzo: [gasps] What a wild idea!
Balloon Vendor: Yeah, a beautiful chicken like that deserves two balloons.
Gonzo: You're right.
Balloon Vendor: I have guys come in all the time. Sometimes, they'll get a buncha balloons for their girls, and they go gaga for it.
Gonzo: Gaga? I'll take the whole bunch!
Camilla: Gaga! Gaga!
Sweetums: [trying to dash after the others, who are continuing on their way to Hollywood in Fozzie's new car] Hey! Hey, where're you goin'? Hey! Wait for me! I wanna go to Hollywood! Hey, wait for me! C'mon, guys! Wait, please! I wanna go to Hollywood!
Insolent Waiter: Miss Piggy? Miss Piggy! Are you Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy: Yes.
Insolent Waiter: Telephone.
Insolent Waiter: Phone call for Kermit the Frog. You Kermit the Frog?
Insolent Waiter: Phone.
Bernie the Agent: [to Kermit] You - you with the banjo - uh, can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction.
Kermit: Have you tried Hare Krishna?
Bernie the Agent: [laughs sarcastically] No. No, I mean I'm really lost.
Kermit: Uh, one second.
[He tries to catch a flie to eat but misses]
Kermit: Darn, I missed. You know that's the first thing to go on a frog? His tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
Bernie the Agent: Ah, that's rough, I'm - sorry about your tongue but - I have to get out of this swamp; I have to catch a plane.
Kermit: With that tongue? No way.
[Bernie half laughs and half cries]
Kermit: But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.
Bernie the Agent: Thank you.
Kermit: Just watch out for the alligators.
Bernie the Agent: I will.
[turns to leave, but turns back to Kermit]
Bernie the Agent: Alligators?
Kermit: That's right.
Bernie the Agent: Did you say alligators?
Kermit: Read my lips. Al-lee-gay-twers.
Kermit: [as he and the gang enter his office] Um, Mr. Lord, forgive the interruption, but I'm here to audition.
All Muppets: Yes! Yes!
Kermit: We've come over 2000 miles, and...
[Stops when Lew Lord turns around in his chair to face him, making him nervous now]
Kermit: Um... oh boy.
Miss Piggy: Kermie, we are all with you.
Kermit: Um, please sir, my name is Kermit the Frog, and we've read your ad, and, well, we've come to be rich and famous.
Lew Lord: [Has a brief staredown with Kermit, then into his intercom] Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'Rich and Famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and Company.
[They all look stunned for a moment, then all the rest of the Muppets start cheering and celebrating behind Kermit, who just looks on shocked and starry-eyed]
Kermit: [singing] I've heard it too many times to ignore it. It's something that I'm s'posed to be.
Gonzo: [singing] There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met.
Fozzie: [after Kermit has turned down Doc Hopper's offer] Five hundred dollars? Would you consider a bear in a frog suit?
Fozzie: I'm sorry, sir, I just lost my head.
Doc Hopper: [as Kermit and Fozzie drive off] Just a minute, Mr. Frog. Everything's negotiable!