Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg: Fuck off! 'Judean People's Front'. We're the People's Front of Judea! 'Judean People's Front'.
Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace - shut up!
Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter: Uh, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Brian's mother: Stop thinking about sex!
Brian: I wasn't!
Brian's mother: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "
Reg: If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
Brian: I do!
Reg: Oh yeah, how much?
Brian: A lot!
Reg: Right, you're in.
[a line of prisoners files past a jailer]
Coordinator: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
Mr. Cheeky: Er, no, freedom actually.
Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Coordinator: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Coordinator: [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack!
[they all stab themselves]
Suicide Squad Leader: That showed 'em, huh?
Brian's mother: He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, piss off!
Brian: I'm not a roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!
Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, fuck off!
Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
Ex-Leper: Half a dinare for me bloody life story?
Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-Leper: That's just what Jesus said, sir.
Ex-Leper: Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
Brian: Did you say "ex-leper"?
Ex-Leper: That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
Brian: Well, what happened?
Ex-Leper: Oh, cured, sir.
Ex-Leper: Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
Brian: Who cured you?
Ex-Leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.
Brian: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
Ex-Leper: Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
Brian: Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.
The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd: I'm not...
The Crowd: Sch!
Reg: [arriving at Brian's crucifixion] Hello, Sibling Brian.
Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
Matthias: Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah".
Jewish Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official: I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official: Was it you?
Jewish Official: Right...
Stoner: Well you did say "Jehovah. "
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah. "
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]
Brian: You have to be different!
The Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice: I'm not!
Brian's mother: What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
Brian's mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.
Brian's mother: And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #3: No, no, that's just him.
Brian's mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Judith: [on Stan's desire to be a mother] Here! I've got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb - which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' - but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother... sister, sorry.
Reg: What's the *point*?
Reg: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?
Francis: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg: It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.
Centurion: You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?
Centurion: Nasty, eh?
Matthias: Could be worse.
Centurion: What you mean "Could be worse"?
Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.
Matthias: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion: You're weird!
Spectator I: I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers".
Mrs. Gregory: Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
[Brian is writing graffiti on the palace wall. The Centurion catches him in the act]
Centurion: What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes, they go, the house?
Brian: It says, "Romans go home. "
Centurion: No it doesn't ! What's the latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on !
Brian: Er, "Romanus" !
Centurion: Vocative plural of "Romanus" is?
Brian: Er, er, "Romani" !
Centurion: [Writes "Romani" over Brian's graffiti] "Eunt"? What is "eunt"? Conjugate the verb, "to go" !
Brian: Er, "Ire". Er, "eo", "is", "it", "imus", "itis", "eunt".
Centurion: So, "eunt" is...?
Brian: Third person plural present indicative, "they go".
Centurion: But, "Romans, go home" is an order. So you must use...?
[He twists Brian's ear]
Brian: Aaagh ! The imperative !
Centurion: Which is...?
Brian: Aaaagh ! Er, er, "i" !
Centurion: How many Romans?
Brian: Aaaaagh ! Plural, plural, er, "ite" !
Centurion: [Writes "ite"] "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home" is motion towards, isn't it?
Brian: Dative !
[the Centurion holds a sword to his throat]
Brian: Aaagh ! Not the dative, not the dative ! Er, er, accusative, "Domum" !
Centurion: But "Domus" takes the locative, which is...?
Brian: Er, "Domum" !
Centurion: [Writes "Domum"] Understand? Now, write it out a hundred times.
Brian: Yes sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
Centurion: Hail Caesar ! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Pontius Pilate: Stwike him, Centuwion. Stwike him vewy wuffly!
Pontius Pilate: So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?
Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
Brian: 'Naughtius Maximus'.
[the Centurion laughs]
Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well, no, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
Pontius Pilate: [guard chuckles] What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian: Can I go now, sir?
Brian: Aaah! Eh.
Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
Pontius Pilate: Wight! Take him away!
Centurion: Oh, sir, he - he only...
Pontius Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you.
[takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically]
Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
[another guard chuckles]
Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?
Pontius Pilate: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...
Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?
[both guards chuckle]
Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks
Pontius Pilate: [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this?
Pontius Pilate: [laughing continues] I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
Leper 1: Alms for a leper!
Leper 2: Alms for a leper!
Ex-Leper: Alms for an ex-leper!
Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth?
Brian: You sanctimonious bastards!
Centurion: I have an order for his release!
Brian: You stupid bastards!
Mr. Cheeky: Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Centurion: Take him down!
Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Victim #1: Eh, I'm Brian!
Mr. Big Nose: I'm Brian!
Victim #2: Look, I'm Brian!
Brian: I'm Brian!
Victims: I'm Brian!
Gregory: I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Victims: I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Centurion: All right. Take him away and release him.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
Mr. Big Nose: I'll get you for this, you bastard.
Parvus: Oh, yeah?
Mr. Big Nose: Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
Mr. Big Nose: I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Parvus: Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Mr. Big Nose: Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!
Gregory: A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.
Parvus: It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two.
Gregory: It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?
Mrs. Gregory: Oh, rather.
Gregory: Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.
[Taking the gifts from the Three Wise Men and pushing them out the door]
Brian's mother: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye.
[Three wise men leave]
Brian's mother: Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.
Boring Prophet: There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
Reg: From now on you shall be called Brian that is called Brian.
Brian: What will they do to me?
Ben the Prisoner: Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Ben the Prisoner: Yeah, first offense.
Biggus Dickus: Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanthe if there ith a thudden crithith!
[I may be of some assistance if there is a sudden crisis]
Lead Singer Crucifee: You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!
Lead Singer Crucifee: [singing] Life's a piece of shit when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke; it's true.
Crucifees: [singing] Always look on the bright side of life.
Lead Singer Crucifee: [Dying on the cross] Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble; give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best. And... always look on the bright side of life...
Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But you can't have babies.
Stan: Don't you oppress me.
Reg: Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
Centurion: You are fucking nicked, me old beauty!
[Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house]
Brian: They must have just popped by!
Brian's mother: Popped by? SWARMED by, more like! There's a multitude out there!
Mrs. Big Nose: [trying to hear Jesus' sermon on the mount] Oh, it's blessed are the MEEK! Oh, I'm glad they're getting something, they have a hell of a time.
Reg: What Jesus fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.
Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called? She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks.
Stan: Listen I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.
Mr. Big Nose: Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide accross your face by the time I'm finished with you!
Reg: One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning!
[On the run from Roman soldiers, Brain lands on a public stage prophets. Brian quickly decides to disgues himself as one]
Brian: [Unsure and stuttering] Don't... pass judgement... on other people, or you might be judged yourself.
Passer-by: [as if shocked] What?
Brian: I said, don't pass judgement on others or you might be judged yourself.
Passer-by: [in small, squeaky voice] Who me? Oh, Thank you very much!
Lead Singer Crucifee: [as end credits role and crucifees are singing "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life"] It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer. Some of us have got to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him. I said to him, "Bernie", I said, "They'll never make their money back."
Wise Man #1: Ahem!
Brian's mother: Oh!
[falls over in chair]
Brian's mother: Who are you?
Wise Man #2: We are three wise men.
Brian's mother: What?
Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.
Brian's mother: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
The Crowd: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
Brian's mother: The who?
The Crowd: The Messiah!
Brian's mother: There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!
Brian: [Brian is in a prison cell with Ben who is hanging from chains] Oh lay off, I've had a hard time!
Ben the Prisoner: You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.
Centurion: Quiet! - silly person.
Pontius Pilate: [Pilate is going to release a prisoner to the crowd] People of Jewusalum,
[Everybody laughs at his speech impairment]
Pontius Pilate: Wome... is your fwiend!
[They laugh more]
Pontius Pilate: To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?
Man in crowd: Welease Woger!
[Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, "Welease Woger"]
Pontius Pilate: Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger!
Centurion: Uh, we haven't got a "Woger", sir.
Pontius Pilate: Oh, okay. We have no "Woger'!
[They all laugh]
Man in crowd: Well what about "Wodewick" then?
[They laugh and chant "Welease Wodewick!"]
Pontius Pilate: Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick!
[the crowd laughs some more]
Centurion: Sir, there's no "Wodewick".
Pontius Pilate: Who is this "Wodewick" you speak of?
Man in crowd: He's a wobber!
Man in crowd: And a wapist!
Girl In Crowd: And a pick-pocket!
[Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no]
Pontius Pilate: He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
Francis: We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
Commando Xerxes: What exactly are the demands?
Reg: We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.
Matthias: All I did was say to my wife, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!"
Matthias: [Answering the summons of the door] My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes?
Centurion: There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
[the guards troop into the house]
Matthias: ...Nose is knackered.
Centurion: Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
Matthias: Crucifixion's a doddle.
Centurion: ...Don't keep saying that.
Lead Search Guard: [Guards troop out, last guard pauses] Found this spoon, sir.
Centurion: Well done, Sergeant!
Centurion: We'll be back... Oddball...
Brian: No, no. Please, please please listen. I've got one or two things to say.
The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
The Crowd: Yes! We're all different!
Man in crowd: I'm not...
Man in crowd: Shhh!
Brian: You've all got to work it out for yourselves.
The Crowd: Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves!
The Crowd: Tell us more!
Brian: No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise - Ow! Ow!
Blood and Thunder Prophet: [screaming] ... and the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there will be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah...
False Prophet: [yelling] ... for the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. NINE-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but NINE, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...
Boring Prophet: ...there shall, in that time, be *rumors* of things going astray, errrm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi - with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that...
Brian: You silly sods!
Beard vendor: No, no, no. Ten? You're supposed to argue. "Ten for that, you must be mad!"
Followers: If it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?
Brian's mother: This is boring. Let's go watch a stoning.
Brian: Mom... Always there's a stoning! And almost never there's a speech.
Mr. Big Nose: Shut up! I want to listen!
Mrs. Gregory: Yes! We want to see! Honey, stop to put your finger in the nose!
Stan: That's right Big nose!
Mr. Big Nose: She was talking to me!
Stan: It's not my fault if you're a Big nose!
Mr. Big Nose: If you say that i'm a big nose once again...
Stan: I said that's not my fault! That you born in Bignoseville! Oh, he's saying: Welcome the Big nose.
Mr. Big Nose: Shut up, you motherfucker!
Mrs. Gregory: Honey, stop putting your finger in your nose!
Stan: See, you are a Bignose!
Mr. Big Nose: Oh you...
Brian's mother: i want to listen!
Girl: You bastard!
Mr. Big Nose: Ahhh!
Mr. Big Nose: You bitch!
Mrs. Gregory: Ahh!
Brian's mother: Let's get outta here!
Brian: You're right mom!
Brian's mother: Let's go to the stoning.