The Jerk (1979)
Mother: Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass.
Navin R. Johnson: Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this.
[picks up an ashtray]
Navin R. Johnson: And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.
Navin R. Johnson: The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, and this magazine, and the chair.
Navin R. Johnson: [outside now] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.
[Shithead growls at him]
Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog.
Navin R. Johnson: Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...
Navin R. Johnson: [singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you. Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.
[Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps]
Navin R. Johnson: I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.
Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."
New Accounts Bank Manager: I will need two pieces of identification.
Navin R. Johnson: Ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license - and - my astronaut application form... I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.
Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
[a sniper keeps missing Navin and hitting cans of motor oil]
Navin R. Johnson: He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.
[Navin recites some wisdom]
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.
Mother: Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson: I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?
[Stan Fox's eyeglasses keep slipping off]
Stan Fox: Damn these glasses son.
Navin R. Johnson: Yes, sir.
[to the glasses]
Navin R. Johnson: I damn thee.
Navin R. Johnson: First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.
Navin R. Johnson: I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke.
Marie: I don't wanna puke.
Navin R. Johnson: Now be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend don't you.
Marie: Kind of
Navin R. Johnson: I know this is our first date but do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you could think of me?
Marie: Well I haven't made love to him yet.
Navin R. Johnson: That's too bad. Do you think its possible that someday you could make love with me and think of him?
Marie: Who knows maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.
Navin R. Johnson: I'd be happy to be in there somewhere.
Marie: I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff.
Sniper: Die, you random son of a bitch.
[shoots at Navin but hits a display of oil cans]
Navin R. Johnson: He hates these cans!
Sniper: EVERY DAY RANDOM SON OF A BITCH! TAKE THAT YOU RUN OF THE MILL BASTARD! DIE GAS PUMPER!
Truck Driver Picking Up Navin: St. Louis?
Navin R. Johnson: No, Navin Johnson.
Patty Bernstein: [provocatively] You know what I wanna do?
Navin R. Johnson: What's that?
Patty Bernstein: Guess *your* weight.
[starts squeezing on him everywhere]
Navin R. Johnson: Hey, you're really trying to be accurate!
Navin R. Johnson: The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!
Carnival Rube: Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. Now what do I win?
Navin R. Johnson: Ah, anything... in this general area, right in here. Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches. Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.
Grandma Johnson: [reading a letter from Navin] My dear family, guess what? Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh, what a great time I had. I wish the whole family could've been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be able to send more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty has promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin.
Navin R. Johnson: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
Harry Hartounian: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
Navin R. Johnson: Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
[the Sniper points to Navin's name in the phone book]
Sniper: Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical bastard.
Navin R. Johnson: You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say.
Navin R. Johnson: "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.
Motel Guest: Don't call that dog "lifesaver;" call him "shithead."
Navin R. Johnson: [voiceover] I was so glad to be going home. I remembered the days when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house. But things change, and with all the additions to the family, we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it. But we built us a bigger one.
Navin R. Johnson: Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?
Marie: You live here? Oh, it's nice. Did you decorate it?
Navin R. Johnson: Yeah, I got all this stuff from the old Cup 'o Pizza place before they tore it down.
Marie: Good pizza.
[the two are eating pizza in a cup]
Navin R. Johnson: Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this.
Navin R. Johnson: [bleakly] I've already given away eight pencils, two hoola dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
Frosty: Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Navin R. Johnson: Ah... It's a profit deal. Takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and win some crap!
Navin R. Johnson: These hoodlums are dangerous. I think we oughta get out of here before she sees us.
Navin R. Johnson: What?
Marie: You said she.
Navin R. Johnson: No! No! I always call a gang "she". It's like when you call a boat "she", or a hurricane "she".
Marie: Or a girl?
Navin R. Johnson: A girl, you can call a girl she, that's just one of the many things you can call she.
Navin R. Johnson: You have great skin. Are you a model?
Marie: No. I'm a Cosmetologist.
Navin R. Johnson: A Cosmetologist? Really? Wow. Must tough to handle the weightlessness.
Hobart: Sir, there are charity people here to see you.
Navin R. Johnson: What? Send them away. There are plenty of people more deserving than me!
Hobart: But these people want *you* to give, sir.
Taj Jonson: Hey! Any of you bums heard of Navin R. Johnson?
Navin R. Johnson: I've heard of him.
Taj Jonson: Born in Mississippi? Inventor of the Opti-grab?
Navin R. Johnson: I was just telling these guys!
Navin R. Johnson: Mommy, Daddy! How did you find me?
Father: We don't know. This is the first place we looked.
Navin R. Johnson: [about Patty's trailer] What a great place!
Patty Bernstein: [belches]
Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
Navin R. Johnson: Now, Marie is a type a person that if you gotta...
Patty Bernstein: [interrupting] If this gash doesn't get her buns outta here I am gonna drive this bike up her butt!
Navin R. Johnson: ...while Patty tends to be more direct.
Navin R. Johnson: [narrating his own letter home] P.S. is grandma still farting?
Patty Bernstein: Give me a bite of that corn dog.
Navin R. Johnson: What about germs?
Patty Bernstein: Put a rubber on it.
Navin R. Johnson: Are you a model?
Marie: No. I'm a cosmetologist.
Navin R. Johnson: Really? A cosmetologist? That's unbelievable. That's impressive. Must be tough handling the weightlessness.
Navin R. Johnson: [upset about the escargot entre] First they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the drinks, and now snails on the food, two boobs!
Carl Reiner: Let me show you a clip from my latest film where my faulty depth perception kept me from yelling "cut" at the right time.
[on a movie set, just as a car plummets off a cliff, Reiner yells]
Carl Reiner: Cut!
[but it's too late, and the car explodes at the bottom of the cliff; back to the press conference]
Carl Reiner: If I had yelled "cut" on time, those actors would be alive today.