You Can't Do That on Television (1979–1990)
Christine: As you all know, Vanessa is new to the show and Vanessa, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me.
Vanessa: There is something I wanted to ask you.
Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?
Christine: First they take some liquid and then they add some jello powder and some flour. Sometimes some soap and they dump it all over me.
Vanessa: Where do they dump it from?
Christine: Actually Vanessa, I've always wondered that too, but I just don't know.
[green slime falls on Christine's head]
Vanessa: Interesting. Is it always green like this?
Christine: Well, yeah it usually is, but I guess it could be red.
[red slime drops on Christine's head]
Christine: Or... it could be blue.
[blue slime drops on Christine's head]
Christine: [getting annoyed] Or yellow.
[yellow slime drops on Christine's head]
Christine: Yep... Okay, you guys think you're so smart? Let's see stripes.
[red, yellow, and blue slime falls on Christine's head]
Vanessa: Boy, must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?
Christine: Well, it usually washes out with water.
[water falls on Christine's head]
Mr. Shidler: Where does the school board find them and why do they send them to me?
Christine: [Sees Brodie come in wearing a baseball uniform, and carrying a violin on his shoulder as one would do a baseball bat] Hey Brodie, what's happening. You going to play baseball?
Brodie: I was, but my dad cornered me and ordered me to go home and play my violin.
Christine: Well, that's a drag. What are you going to do now?
[Throws a ball in the air, then bats it with the violin]
Kevin: Hey Alisdair
Alasdair: Yes Kevin?
Kevin: Where do you go to pick up girls?
Alasdair: The skating rink
Kevin: Why the skating rink?
Alasdair: Because that's where they usually fall down
Blip: Hold it! No food in the arcade.
Alasdair: Blip, this isn't food. It's a Barth Burger.
Blip: No pets either.
Barth: Duh, I heard that.
Announcer: [Announcing the preempted show] "Reading Rambo" will not be seen at this time because Rambo can't read.
Alasdair: Alanis... I...
Alanis: Yes, Alasdair?
Alasdair: [voice cracking] Alanis... I...
Alanis: YES, Alasdair?
Alasdair: Alanis... If... if you won't go with me to the network party, I'm just going to have to kill myself, that's all.
Alanis: Oh, Alasdair. How touching. I really want to help you. Okay.
Alasdair: You'll come?
Alanis: No, I'll go.
Alasdair: You'll go? Great!
Alanis: I'll go and get my father's gun.
Valerie: Vanessa, don't feed the cat under the table. Feed him on top of the table, instead!
Kevin: You know, Barth runs a pretty clean place here.
Alasdair: Clean? You call this place clean? Why even the rats wouldn't be caught dead in here!
Christine: Yeah, and even if they did they'd end up in the burger mix anyway.
Executioner: Ready! Aim!
Jono: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the execution!
Executioner: What is it this time?
Valarie: Chris you were our first born, then you Jill, you were our second born and Christian, you were our first.
Valarie: Yes! Our first BIG mistake.
Jono: You mean you're gonna let me go? All right! Blue skies, fresh air, open horizons, Barthy burgers, girls!
Valarie: [Valerie and Lance are sitting at the dining room table, Lance drinking a glass of scotch with the bottle next to him] Lance, I really think you're exaggerating. My mother doesn't hate you, dear.
Lance: That's what you think.
Valarie: Well Lance, if she hated you, she wouldn't have brought you that lovely bottle of scotch back from her trip to Inverness.
Lance: Oh I admit that the bottle of scotch was very nice. I admit that, but it's what she brought Alasdair that proves she hates me!
Valarie: [At that, Alasdar comes into the room playing a set of bagpipes badly, then grabs Lance's glass of scotch and leaves] You know, you may have a point there, dear.
Mr. Shidler: [Everyone in class is playing an instrument badly] Hold it. Cut. CUT!
Mr. Shidler: You know, sometimes, I wish I were like Beethoven.
Brodie: Is that so you can write beautiful music for us to play?
Mr. Shidler: No! Beethoven was deaf.
Brodie: Well I think that can be arrainged, sir.
[They all start playing badly again, this time louder]
Mother Nature: [Alasdair and Vanessa are dragging a piece of carpet through the woods]
[Yelling at them]
Mother Nature: Will you kids stop dragging that clean carpet through my muddy forest?
Alasdair and Vanessa: [Together] Aww, but Mother Nature?
Mother Nature: [Still yelling] And don't talk with your mouths empty!
Alasdair and Vanessa: [Together] We're sorry.
Mother Nature: [Still yelling] And stop being so polite!
[Alsadair kicks her in the shin]
Mother Nature: [Smiling, speaking pleasently] That's very good.
Blip: [Vanessa enters the arcade with a large bear claw around her neck on a string. Blip stops her] Hold it kid.
[Indicating the bear claw]
Blip: What is this?
Vanessa: It's my lucky bears foot. My dad got it for me on a hunting trip. It helps me win video games.
Blip: Helps you win video games, eh? I'm soory kid, but you cannot come in here with that.
Vanessa: Why not?
Blip: Can't you read the sign?
[Points to it]
Blip: No 'bare' feet in the arcade.
[Points towards the exit, and she leaves dejectedly]
Lisa: [Sitting on her bed, talking sympathetically to her sleeping bag] Look, there's a lot of worse things you could be, other then a sleeping bag. Like, you could be a pillow, or even a pin cushion.
Alasdair: [Comes in the bedroom and sees her] Uh, Lisa, what are you doing?
Lisa: Well, trying to cheer up this sleeping bag.
Alasdair: Well, why would you want to cheer up the sleeping bag?
Lisa: Well, because my dad says it's a down sleeping bag.
Alasdair: A 'down' sleeping bag, Vanessa?
[Starts to leave]
Alasdair: You need help. A lot of help.
[Leaves the bedroom frantically]
Christine: [Cut to the main set] Down. Boy is that ever bad! You know whoever writes this stuff really needs a holiday.
Alasdair: There you are.
Lisa: Alasdair what's wrong?
Alasdair: Stephanie took my wallet.
Lisa: How could she do something like that? She's so cute.
Alasdair: Oh yeah.
[Aladsair takes his wallet out of Stephanie's pocket]
Alasdair: Ah-Ha! This proves that Stephanie took my wallet.
Lisa: And my watch? Stephanie!
Stephanie: Snake Eyes, when are you going to retire?
Snake Eyes: Retire? Oh Stephanie, I ain't never gonna retire I'm gonna die at the wheel!
Stephanie: But how can you be so sure of that?
Snake Eyes: 'Cause we're gonna die right now - I'm drivin' off that cliff!
Senator Lance Prevert: What?
Martin: Would you write a note to my teacher explaining that our TV set is busted?
Senator Lance Prevert: What? Our TV set isn't busted. Now, shut up Martin. I'm trying to watch the fight here.
Martin: Dad, if our TV set isn't busted then I have to write a homework assignment about the opera that just started on PBS.
Senator Lance Prevert: [takes out a note pad] What's your teacher's name?
Mr. Shidler: Hmm? Well, isn't this a coincidence. Yeah all of you kids come from homes where the TV is busted.
Doug: Mom, it's not fair. You love Lisa the best.
Valerie: That's not true, Dougie, I love Alasdair the best and then Lisa, you are seventh.
Doug: But mom, there are only four kids in this family...
Valerie: Yes, Dougie, but I love the Neighbors' kids more than I love you.
Doug: But the neighbors only have two kids...
Valerie: Yes, Dougie, but I love their cat more than I love you.
Mr. Shidler: [Lisa is yammering on to Christine about something and he's trying to get her attention] Lisa? Lisa?
[Smacks her desk]
Mr. Shidler: Lisa!
Lisa: [Startled] What?
Mr. Shidler: Lisa please, do not talk with your mouth open.
Lisa: Sir, don't you mean "do not talk with your mouth full"?
Mr. Shidler: No, I mean don't talk with your mouth open.
Lisa: But how else am I supposed to talk?
Mr. Shidler: Exactly!
[the rest of the class applauds]
Christine: Hey Alasdair?
Alasdair: Yeah Christine?
Christine: When you blow your nose, do you use your right or left hand?
Alasdair: Neither. I use Kleenex.
Elizabeth: But Mom, I'm too old to have a clown at my birthday party.
Valerie: Well I'm sorry, Elizabeth, but your father can stay if he wants.
Senator Lance Prevert: Elizabeth, don't encourage your mother.
Eugene: Hey Moose?
Eugene: You know whenever my dad has beer, he never let's me have a glass.
Christine: Well, I should hope not, Eugene. You're a little too young to drink.
Eugene: Goes to show you how much you know. He says I'm old enough to take it from the bottle.
Alasdair: [Rings the doorbell. Christine opens the door] Hi. I'm here.
Christine: What are you doing here so early? I told you to come after dinner.
Alasdair: Well, that's what I'm after. Dinner.
[Walks in past Christine]
Alasdair: What are you guys having.
Coach: [Corey pitches a bologna sandwich to Alasdair, who hits it with his baseball bat. The coach walks in blowing his whistle] All right. How many times do I have to tell you kids, don't play with your food.
Christine: Oh, Alanis?
Alanis: Yes, Christine?
Christine: I'm having a party for Bruce Springsteen, you wanna come?
Alanis: Bruce Springsteen! How do you know him?
Christine: Well, I don't.
Alanis: Then how can you have a party for him?
Christine: You just buy some cheesies and soda pop and watch some videos, and voila.
Alanis: But he won't be there.
Christine: Well that's his loss, isn't it?
Alasdair: Sometimes, it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself.
Christine: [Ross comes onto the main set, playing a ukelele and singing. He gets on one knee near the cast all sitting there watching. Christine interrupts him] Ross, what are you doing?
Ross: What do you mean 'what am I doing'? This is a ukelele. I'm telling you, everybody played a uke when I was a kid.
Christine: Come on, Ross. Get with it man. Today's sounds are electronic. You know, guitar power?
[the rest of the cast agrees]
Ross: Oh, you mean like this?
[Using the ukelele, he mimes playing an electric guitar for about 10 seconds, while the guitar solo break from Heart's 'Magic Man' is used. When he stops, he shakes his head]
Ross: Nope. I don't like it.
[Gets up and walks off playing the ukelele as he did before and singing]
Christine: Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television. Another in a long series of sour notes.
Mr. Shidler: [Catches Brodie trying to sneak into class] You're late again. Thought you could sneak past me, Osome?
Brodie: No sir.
Mr. Shidler: Listen. do you have a note from your father?
Mr. Shidler: [Clearing out his ear] Whoo. You got me that time, kid. You're lucky your father is an operatic star.
Mr. Shidler: Attention, can anyone tell me what the three 'B's are?
[Underlines an upper-case B on the blackboard. Brodie raises his hand]
Mr. Shidler: Brodie?
Brodie: The Boss, the Beatles, and the Beach Boys.
Lisa: No. It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult, and the B52s. Yeah.
Justin: No no no. How classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three 'B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.
Mr. Shidler: Wrong! You're all wrong. The three 'B's are the worker, the drone and the queen 'bee'.
[Draws two small 'e's next to the 'B']
Mr. Shidler: This is a science class. You forgot. you kids have nothing but music on your minds.
[They all start humming, and Mr. Shidler joins in]
Mr. Shidler: Now class, as we are going on a field trip, it's most important we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me, what are the four natural elements of the universe?
[Lisa raises her hand]
Mr. Shidler: Lisa?
Mr. Shidler: Right. That's one. Um, Kevin?
Kevin: Uh, air.
Mr. Shidler: That's right. That's two. Uh, Christine?
Christine: Um, fire!
Mr. Shidler: Right. And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?
Vanessa: Yeah, but I'm not going to.
Mr. Shidler: Well, Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.
Vanessa: Well, either way, I get something dumped on me.
Vanessa: Okay, water.
[And you know the rest]
Mr. Shidler: Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.
Christine: So tell me Lisa, did you enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon?
Lisa: Oh I sure did, and Moose the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you.
Christine: Oh, really? Well that's nice. What made you think of me?
Lisa: Well, you and the Grand Canyon are so very much alike. Shallow and dirty, and most of all, very very wide at the bottom.
[Stomps her feet and giggles]
Christine: You know Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before?
Christine: Well, you remind me of the Colorado River. That's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon.
Lisa: Oh, you mean I'm miracle and romantic?
Christine: [laughs] No. You're wet, twisted, loud, and you run on forever.
[laughs and stomps her feet, stepping on Lisa's foot]
Alasdair: Hay Vanessa?
Vanessa: Yeah Alasdair?
Alasdair: Teddy Roosevelt was a famous sportsman, and Ernest Hemingway was a famous hunter. Can you name a famous camper?
Vanessa: Yeah, my parent's Winnebago.
Lisa: [Pops out of her locker] You know, how can you let Vanessa answer any more of these questions? Her jokes are terrible.
Vanessa: I wouldn't talk, Lisa.
Christine: [Pops out of her locker] That's all she can do.
[Goes back in]
Announcer: [announcing the show that's been pre-empted] The A-Team makes one cup of coffee last five hours will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you a show for people with lots of time on their hands and nothing better to do.
Announcer: Mr Rodgers Vandalizes the neighborhood will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you this show which we managed to steal.
Announcer: Mr Rodgers Vandalizes the neighborhood will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following program which we managed to steal.
Dungeon Guard: All right Kubusheskie tell me... How long are you going to keep me chained up in here?
Kevin: 10 years or maybe 20. Who knows?
Brodie: Dad! Did you tell Christine that she could take the car out?
Senator Lance Prevert: Yes, why?
Brodie: But Christine can't drive. She's a girl! In fact, just now she...
Senator Lance Prevert: I don't want to hear it! Christine has every right to take out the car as you boys do.
Brodie: Okay, I guess that's fair. It's just... next time, tell her that she should open the garage door first.
Senator Lance Prevert: I will.
[Brodie exits as Senator Prevert continues watching TV until his eyes open wide]
Senator Lance Prevert: What?
[Christine throws water on Brodie]
Brodie: What did you do that for?
Christine: You said you wanted to be treated equally. Well, this is what happens to me every week... Sometimes twice.
[Christine throws more water on Brodie]
Brodie: Now that is truly not fair.
Christine: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time we've ever had twins on the show, so I'd like to introduce you to them.
[Pointing to Korbett]
Christine: This is Kyle,
[pointing to Kyle]
Christine: and this is Korbett.
Kyle: No I'm Kyle.
[Points to Korbett]
Kyle: He's Korbett.
Christine: Oh, I'm sorry. Incidentally, how do people tell you apart?
Christine: Jeez, I'm sorry I asked.
Christine: Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That on Television, a show that is quickly becoming a matter of questionable taste.
Christine: Hi, and welcome to another pailful episode of You Can't Do That on Television, the show that has nothing to fear from infection because it couldn't get any sicker then it already is.
Christine: Lisa, why are you drinking all that water?
Lisa: Well, remember last year at summer camp?
Christine: Oh, do I? With the hard beds, and the cruel counselors, and all the black flies, and all the mosquito bites we got!
Lisa: Well, right, so mom told me that I can't go if I don't stop wetting the bed. Soooo.
[Christine gets it, grabs a glass, drinks it, then along with Lisa, pours the rest in her bed]
Valarie: [Lisa and Valerie are standing in the kitchen. To Lisa, holding out her hand] Gloves?
Lisa: [Pulls them out of a lower cupboard and hands them to her] Gloves.
Valarie: [Putting on gloves] Sieve?
Lisa: [Pulls sieve out of same place, and hands it to her] Sieve.
Lisa: [Pulls out a box of aluminum foil] Foil.
Valarie: Not that foil.
[She puts it down, then pulls out a fencing foil]
Valarie: Ah, foil.
[Takes it in her right hand, while she holds the sieve over her face like a fencing mask]
Alasdair: [Running in] What's for dinner, mom?
Valarie: Swordfish, Alasdair. It'll be ready in just a minute.
[to someone else]
Valarie: All right. En garde!
[Starts swordfighting with an apparent swordfish]
Christine: Hi, and welcome to sort of a... musty episode of You Can't Do That on Television. The show that makes modern history every week by continually appalling its viewers.
Adam: Hey Ross. Whats with the flag?
Ross: Well you know what kids? I've just decided that communism ain't so bad after all.
Alanis: And you made us wear these tacky helmets and then you become a communist.
Adam: Now cool it comrade,this is just the introductsky
Rekha: Hey Vanessa.
Vanessa: Yes Rekha?
Rekha: Is stupidity contagious?
Vanessa: No. Why who do you think you're going to get it from?
Vanessa: I wouldn't worry about that. It only affects the male of the species.
Jody: Hey Doug.
Doug: Yes Jody
Jody: Why did you get your hair cut?
Doug: They told me that I looked like Vanessa.
Jody: Well, she got her hair cut so I can say that you still look like Vanessa.
Doug: You said it Jody and now you're gonna regret it.
Jody: [Doug gets out of his locker and goes into Jody's locker] Hey I was just kidding!
[Sound of punches landing]
Matthew: Hi and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television. Today's show is about Enemies and Paranoia.
Adam: Matthew what's paranoia?
Ross: The Russians is coming. THE RUSSIANS IS COMING!
Matthew: That's extreme paranoia; not to mention bad grammar.
Adam: What is it Ross? Is it the Russians?
Ross: No! It's a yellow bellied sap sucker you idiot. Of course it's the Russians. Here they come.
[the 1812 Oveture plays as each person is hit in the face with a cream pie]
Russian: See you later capitalistic kidskis.
Stephanie: Ross you made us go through all of that and all they did was thow pies in our faces?
Adam: Good one Ross.
Angie: [after Kevin pulls Angie's string] Hello. I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: [Hoarsely] Angie how do I quit smoking?
Angie: Where there's smoke there's fire.
[Angie takes a bucket of water and dumps it over Kevin's head]
Christine: [Lisa begs and pleads with Christine not to make her loose her voice] Okay whoever wants to hear absolute silence from Lisa for the rest of the show please press the green button right now!
[the yes side of the arguement wins and Lisa looses her voice. She holds up a sign that reads "I'll get you for this Moose!"]
Christine: Hey Lisa what are you doing?
[Lisa scribbles down on a piece of paper]
Christine: [Reading] I'm waiting to introduce the commercials. I wondered why it was so silent in here?
[Scribbles something down on to a piece of paper]
Christine: [Reads] If I can't introduce the commercials then we don't get paid. Okay whoever wants to hear nothing but silence from Lisa for the rest of the show push the red button. If you want to hear Lisa introduce the commercials so we can get paid the touch the green button. Press NOW!
[Lisa voice hasn't returned. Lisa scribbles something down on a piece of paper]
Christine: [Reads] Try something else. Oh hey. Douggie come here. Whoever wants to see Douggie here get hit by green slime and hear Lisa introduce the commercials so that we can get paid press the green button. Whoever doesn't want see Douggie get hit with green slime and hear Lisa introduce the commercials so we can get paid press the red button. Press NOW!
[Lisa's voice still hasn't returned. Lisa scribbles something down on a piece of paper]
Christine: [Reads] Try something else. Okay. Vanessa come here. Whoever wants to see Vanessa here get hit with water
[Christine gets hit with a bucket of water]
Christine: Press the green button on your screen right now.
[Everyone has said yes. Doug gets hit with green slime, Vanessa gets hit with water, and Lisa gets her voice back]
Lisa: And now it's time for a commercial.
James: Ross what are you doing?
Ross: I thought it might be a good idea to get some bigger kids in here.
James: But Ross if you have bigger kids on the show you won't be able to bully them or steal their money.
Ross: Hey I didn't steal money from kids I borrowed it.
Vanessa: I'd like to see back all of that money you "borrowed" from me.
Ross: Well I guess that all just water under the bridge.
Vanessa: [after a bucket of water is dropped on her head] What was that for? Ross was the one who said water not me.
Ross: Well Vanessa it seems that was one of the things that you owe us.
Announcer: You can't do that on television has been a Name that tune production, I can name that tune in one note way way off key
Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television is a blood is thicker than water production... OH NO! NO!
[Water gets dumped on the announcer's head]
Kevin: Hey Christine. Wutta you doing?
Christine: Kevin? Have you been listening to yourself?
Christine: Well you should.
Kevin: It's surfer talk.
Christine: You're not a surfer. You should learn to use good grammar.
Kevin: Wutta am I going to do.
[Kevin groans as a bucket of water is dumped on his head!]
Kevin: Oh come on! I said "what are?"? Not water.
[Kevin groans again]
Christine: See how important it is to use good grammar? I used wuttar but now I say what are instead of wuttar.
[Christine gets a bucket of water dumped on her head]
Kevin: Wonderful isn't it?
Christine: Who made this up? We both got it.