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16 out of 17 people found the following review useful:

see where your magic has gotten us, wizz-ard!

Author: krusty_the_baker from United Kingdom
24 February 2006

This is an appalling film, and worth watching for that very reason. You'll struggle to buy a copy, and it probably isn't worth it, but in the UK we do get the occasional opportunity to see it on telly, so take them. This is a film with more ham than a Tesco deli counter, and Lee Majors, well, his own agent once described him as a 'somewhat limited actor'. The language - see my title, but to fully appreciate you'll have to hear the intonation in the movie itself, think Conan the Barbarian voiceovers - and the mock ritual and rite of Vikingness is hugely entertaining. Not unlike the sort of heavy metal that appeals to teenagers. Don't worry about history, it's irrelevant to this film - we all know the vikings must have been pretty sophisticated people, you'd have to be to conduct your trade from Teheran to St. Johns! And their business was arms and slaves, so they knew how to look after themselves. And this is not a film about sophisticated people. But the absolute star of this film is Jack Elam as the Death Dreamer, the wizard. The stereotypical shaman, Dr Samedi meets Don Juan meets Papa Lazarou. Honestly, folks, this movie is a hoot, but it is utter rubbish. If you want a quality viking flick, although again with questionable historical accuracy, go for The Vikings, with Kirk Douglas, Tony Curtis and a brilliant Ernest Borgnine. At least you'll care about the characters.

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19 out of 26 people found the following review useful:

What the hell was that?!

Author: wbhickok ( from San Diego, USA
17 May 2001

Isn't always sad to rediscover a memory from your childhood that you treasured greatly, but then finding it as an adult, and not being able to figure out how in the hell you possibly could have liked it in the first place. That's how I felt upon seeing this movie a while back. I can recall vividly when I went and saw this movie when I was ten, and my friends and I being blown away by it. In fact I saw it three times in one week. (no lie) When I saw it last, I pondered how could I not have seen the FATAL miscasting of Lee Majors. How I overlooked the black(!?) viking. Why did I not conceive that the plot for this was so laughably stupid (Vikings vs. American Indians). Sigh, it's a sad fact of life, the smarter you get, the DUMBER you realize you were.

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17 out of 23 people found the following review useful:

Vikings vs. Indians

Author: vandino1 from United States
11 April 2006

They could have at least tried to make this funnier if they weren't going to make it competently. But then this IS a Charles B. Pierce film, and a 'Fawcett-Majors Presentation' featuring Pierce's son, little Chuck, and starring Lee Majors as Thorvald. You can't expect much with that pedigree, but we're in John Wayne 'The Conqueror' territory here. C'mon now, Lee Majors as a viking? What were they thinking? And seeing as it stars the erstwhile Six-Million-Dollar Man, it pays homage to that series by including plenty of slow-mo action scenes. All you need is the now classic ditta-ditta-ditta electronic sound effects to go with the slow-mo and you've got a laugh riot. But there is plenty to laugh at, including Majors' 70's porno-style moustache (no beard like everyone else, he's THE STAR, but I suppose he was willing to cover his upper lip as a concession to history). Then there is Jack Elam as a norse sorceror (guess Slim Pickens wasn't available) and Deacon Jones as a black viking (Spike Lee would approve, although historians might disagree). For those outside the U.S., Jones was a football player, and the filmmakers, out of fairness, also cast a white ex-football player (Fred Biletnikoff) as a fellow norseman. There is also a pretty girl along for the ride in Susie Coehlo, although she spends too much time with a pair of blinded norsemen who sport some of the most unfortunate hairpieces you've ever witnessed. Thankfully for Cornel Wilde, he is so buried in hair that he is virtually unrecognizable and therefore, in one sense, he's not really in this movie. Unfortunately, Lee Majors IS in this movie, and worst of all, is the star. It's hard to tell which is more wooden, his ship or his acting. Yep, it's his acting. In fact, it's probably an inside game for casting agents to challenge each other to find a more wooden star than Majors. He's the champ! He could hire himself out as a Termite Whisperer. Needless to say, this junk is best avoided. You've been warned.

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18 out of 25 people found the following review useful:

A Treasure Trove

Author: sparkleh from new york
9 August 2001

A treasure trove of anachronism, continuity errors and baaaaaaaaaad acting. So bad it's wonderful. Who knew there were black vikings, or that vikings wore wristwatches? A genuine treat. You'll laugh your butt off.

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15 out of 21 people found the following review useful:

One of the Worst Movies of All Time

Author: j-zak from HAWAII
17 December 2006

I am sitting at home watching THE NORSEMAN on TV, trying to pick my incredulous chin up off the floor. This movie must be seen by film students so they can learn everything NOT to do in making a movie. For example: Lee Majors (THORVALD) and the boy playing his Norse son deliver arch dialog in southern American accents...The Caucasian looking Indians with perfect Herbal Essence hairstyles...and perfect teeth..(that tribe must have a really good dental plan) Lee Majors sports a late 1970's mustache and hair style...He probably was on hiatus from a series and refused to restyle his hair...The Max Factor warpaint on the Indians' faces...and the lack of "Light Egyptian" on their bodies...Irish actress, Kathleen Freeman, as an old Indian woman... The "ultra realistic" Canadian location (NOT!), complete with palm trees and Spanish Moss... How did they get the money to make this thing? Where can I get some for my films??? This film is like a train wreck....painful to watch but absolutely riveting in its awfulness. The only area that deserves praise is the cinematography...the exteriors look pretty good... the cinematographer must have picked up the gig to pay for a fishing expedition or a vacation to Hawaii... In the words of many a great Norseman, .....Oy Vey!!!

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13 out of 19 people found the following review useful:

Wow...worst movie ever

Author: magnsyn from United States
2 June 2006

Beyond the bad monologue, the horrible dialog and craptastic hair, the cracker ass native Americans, plastic armor and the black I did however find it amazing that this movie did have something in common with the star wars trilogy. As Jedi dueling are obliged to fall into bottomless pits if there are any near by, so are all warriors in this crapfest obliged to fall into water if it is within 200 yards. Oh..and blind people are wicked forest runners as long as they're led by rope. Oh wait...there's more....apparently Norse armor also could act as a emergency flotation device..I could go on and on....buts there's no point..even on percocet this movie is bad. The only thing that could have helped this mind numbing piece of garbage is a guest appearance by Lopan...

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10 out of 14 people found the following review useful:

Odin!!!!! Why have you forsaken us?!?!?

Author: Dugaru from The Commonwealth
11 March 2007

First, let's get one thing out of the way. A previous commenter points out that:

*** also the black viking somehow cut the tongue out of the man who captured him, during said fight! how can you lose that fight? ***

I just want to say that is one of the funniest things, and the best question, I have read in a long time. Kudos to the author.

But on to "The Norseman." How best to comprehend this masterpiece?

I feel that my writing skills are inadequate, not up to the task of communicating all that is "The Norseman." Perhaps a comparison would be a good start. It occurs to me that "Citizen Kane" did not receive an Oscar for best picture, and in a very similar development, "The Norseman" is not widely considered to be one of the Worst Movies of All Time. I had never heard of it before my Tivo, in an apparent act of revenge, suggested I might enjoy watching it.

I did nothing to Tivo to deserve this.

In any event I assure you, "The Norseman" is, indeed, one of the worst films - if not the worst film -- ever made. Absurd anachronisms, bad costumes, bad characters, ridiculous dialog, the list goes on and on.

But above everything else there is the acting of Lee Majors. Lee Majors is not merely a "bad" actor, like Chuck Norris. Instead, Lee Majors is a sort of Platonic ideal of bad acting, the standard by which all other bad acting should be judged. Majors is not MERELY untalented (although the range of his emotional expression runs the gamut from indifference to, um, nauseated indifference). And Majors is not MERELY wooden (although he makes Al Gore look like Eminem). Instead, Majors' acting actually destroys any attempt at real dialog and character development, the way that a pervasive, horrible odor of decaying flesh might destroy an otherwise perfect vacation in a tropical paradise.

Compare Jack Elam, who has a truly ridiculous role in this film, yet manages to pull it off in a sort of campy, bird-on-my shoulder way. The difference, of course, is that Elam can act. For Majors, there is nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide.

I came away from this film with the definite and firm conviction that Lee Majors was born too late, and that he should have been the lead actor for the immortal Ed Wood. In my view, only Wood was able to make a film this bad.

You simply must see "The Norseman." Once the Viking dies from an ass-wounding, you'll know you have truly entered the Valhalla of Bad Films

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15 out of 24 people found the following review useful:

one of the worse movies ever

Author: keyjake from United States
2 January 2006

A bunch of cowboy actors playing viking. Poorly. Horrible dialog that a 6th grader could have written. Aromor is made of painted plastic and aluminum. You can even hear the sound of aluminum banging together in the fighting. The fighting also looks like staging for a 6th grade play. Vikings did not wear horned helmets by the way much less plastic ones. The white people playing Indians are dressed in loin cloths and as plains Indians. Quite strange and probably very cold for people who are supposed to be in NE Canada and Nova Scotia. Of course, the palms foliage is just as fitting. And to top it off Deacon Jones, a black man, is one of the vikings. It is insulting to everyone involved.

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6 out of 7 people found the following review useful:

Vikings sneak past Seminoles in second half

Author: Zeegrade from Doomed Theater of Despair
5 October 2009

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

The Norseman is about as historically accurate as Abe Lincoln defeating the Nazis while riding a T-Rex. Charles B. Pierce's take on the Vikings landing on an 11th century North America casts Lee Majors as six million dollar norseman, or as he insists on pronouncing it norzeman, Thorvald who takes his crew on a perilous quest to find out why his father and his crew never returned from a far away land. If he fails will the crew make him the fall guy? Sorry couldn't resist. After landing in the Tampa/St. Pete neighborhood and mistaking it for Newfoundland (happens all the time) Thorvald and his crew of mixed bag warriors including two NFL hall of famers in Deacon Jones and Fred Biletnikoff just so happen to land in not only the same spot as the first crew but find the very Caucasian looking native Americans who imprisoned them. What luck! A startling number of these natives are overweight giving credence that maybe it wasn't wars or European diseases that wiped out the Indians rather massive heart failures. After consulting the ridiculous wizard that no one knows what his face looks like except for the fact that in every scene you can clearly see Jack Elam's googly-eyed mug, the vikings go out in search of where the natives are holding the remaining survivors. With the help of a young female squaw who's outfit is more adequate for lap dances rather than rain, Thorvald and his crew fight the massive hordes of Indians, save the old man, and high tail it back north minus a few brave souls that lost their lives thanks to the dreaded arrow to the rear end.

Not surprisingly Lee Majors is about as convincing a Viking as Deacon Jones is. With his cheesy mustache and helmet that looks like an accessory for a Gothic S&M outfit, Majors' dry line-reading and lifeless performance had me rooting for the "badguys". It's amazing how advanced the Vikings pulley technology seems as they hoisted the sails for the great getaway. At this point in the film I was half hoping that they all boarded a 727 and flew home since believability went out the door as soon as Florida was mistaken for Canada. The film uses the same song over and over to the point where a Viking can't take a dump in the river without it blasting in the background. This is a hard film to find and one that rarely gets mentioned with any other of Charles B. Pierce's works. Little wonder why but nonetheless worthy of viewing if you can track this down just to see probably the most absurdly hokey Viking movie ever made.

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8 out of 11 people found the following review useful:

that's norZZeman to you, baby.

Author: jinx_malone from United States
12 April 2006

and to the poster who summed up one of the very best moments in the film with: "a viking gets shot in the ass with an arrow and dies"--dude, my hat is off to you. i laughed for about five minutes after reading that.

some questions: why do the norzzemen act like such pusses? they're always running away from these crazy injuns. i thought norzzemen were all brave with the rapings and pillagings and such.

how did they manage to cross the ocean in that rowboat? wasn't it a little rough? doesn't look seaworthy to me.

aside from the funny horn helmets, doesn't that armor look like leftovers from the last sword and sandal pic AIP did? why did the tribe of tan white guys poke out all the eyes of the party-down norzzemen who apparently came to the shores of Florida just for the sake of letting loose? also, why does the leader of the tan white guys tribe shout so much? take it easy, man.

there's such great stuff here. the black viking should get his own movie because for god's sake, he's a BLACK VIKING. at one point lee majors actually tells the boatload of norzzemen to 'hold their arrows' as though he were a cop. the touching reunion between lee and daddy mel is really creepy because of all the eye rolling done to portray blindness.

most of the action sequences are shot and edited exactly like a monty python sketch, and i hope that others will agree that this uncanny sensibility makes the film simply amazing.

owl got his REVENGE for the viking brothers, yo.

pull up a case of cheap beer and enjoy, z-grade movie lovers.

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