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Hardware Wars (1978) Poster

(1978)

Quotes

Auggie Ben Doggie: Your father wanted you to have this - when you were old enough.

Fluke Starbucker: Gosh! Wowee! Jeepers! Golly willickers!

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Auggie Ben Doggie: An Imperial steamtrooper!

Fluke Starbucker: Uh-oh!

Imperial Steamtrooper: Identification?

Fluke Starbucker: Oh, uh, gee, I think I left my ID in my other pants! Look, we're in kind of a hurry! I could...

Auggie Ben Doggie: These aren't the drones you want.

Imperial Steamtrooper: These aren't the drones we want.

Auggie Ben Doggie: You don't want to detain us.

Imperial Steamtrooper: We don't want to detain you.

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Auggie Ben Doggie: You will never see a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Watch your step, son. This place can be a little rough.

Fluke Starbucker: Oh, no, it's too weird in here! I - I can't go in here! Look, I'll wait for you outside...

Auggie Ben Doggie: Stay calm, my boy. We've got to find a pilot.

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Fluke Starbucker: Jeepers! What is it, Augie Ben Doggie? Did you feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced?

Auggie Ben Doggie: No, just a little headache.

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Narrator: "Hardware Wars"! A spectacle light years ahead of its time! Starring: Fluke Starbucker, intergalactic boy wonder. Augie "Ben" Doggie, venerable member of the Redeye Knights. Princess Anne-Droid, interstellar damsel in distress. Ham Salad, ace mercenary pilot and intergalactic wise guy. Darph Nader, villain.

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4-Q-2: Artie Deco, where are you? At last! Where have you been?

Artie Deco: [Ludicrous sound effects]

4-Q-2: Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? This is madness!

Artie Deco: [Ludicrous sound effects]

4-Q-2: Wait a minute! Where are you going? They're heading in this direction! What are we going to do? We're doomed for certain!

Artie Deco: [Ludicrous sound effects]

4-Q-2: Oh, dear! I'm going to regret this!

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Fluke Starbucker: They're still back there! They're gaining on us! Does this thing do lightspeed?

Ham Salad: You bet your asteroids, kid. Hold on!

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Narrator: Enjoy intense drama during the pre-battle briefing scene.

Lecturer: Okay, so what you want to do is this: You want to attack at the most vulnerable spot. Come at it from this angle and locate the automatic flip-flop override device here, which in turn will defuse the antigyroscopic preinterface thruster chamber, and the pneumatic centripetal antigravity shield deflectors, then you simply deactivate the axial gyro-presubinertia-photomegatronic oscillator that you see here.

Fluke Starbucker: Huh?

Lecturer: You pull the plug!

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Ham Salad: Take it easy kid, it's only a movie.

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Princess Anne-Droid: You'll get us all killed!

Ham Salad: Well excuuuuuse me!

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Princess Anne-Droid: No! No! You can't destroy innocent people! Basketball's a peaceful planet! Please! We have no weapons!

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Narrator: Hardware Wars! A thrilling space saga of romance, rebellion, and household appliances!

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Narrator: You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll kiss three bucks goodbye!

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Auggie Ben Doggie: [voiceover] Fluke. Fluuuke. Trust your feelings, Fluke. And if you can't be good, be careful.

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[in the middle of a shootout, Princess Anne-Droid opens an escape door]

Princess Anne-Droid: We'll go this way. I insist!

[Ham Salad is returning fire with a power drill]

Ham Salad: No way, sister! I can handle thi-!

[an enemy shot flies between Ham's legs, hitting the wall behind him. Ham instantly turns and follows the princess]

Ham Salad: Okay, I'm with you!

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Darph Nader: [points to Destruct-O-Vision screen while spouting muffled jibberish]

Princess Anne-Droid: I don't understand what you're saying! I *can't* understand you! Are you talkin' to *me*?

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[Auggie Ben Doggie is in a saber battle with Darph Nader. Fluke, The Princess, and Ham beckon him to escape]

Fluke Starbucker: C'mon, Auggie Ben Doggie!

Princess Anne-Droid: Get to the ship! Run for it!

Ham Salad: C'mon! Let's go!

Auggie Ben Doggie: [waving them off] No, you go on without me... I'll be all right... Don't worry about me...

[they all become disgusted and walk off]

Ham Salad: Aw, jeez!

Fluke Starbucker: Jeez! What a martyr!

Princess Anne-Droid: What a martyr, I can't believe this!

Ham Salad: Yeah. See ya later, you martyr!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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