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- [Marvin is in town for his nephew's bar mitzvah. His brother has set him up with a hooker, who is in his bed, unconscious, when Marvin's wife, Millie, arrives. Marvin tries desperately to keep her from seeing the hooker, but finally gives in to the inevitable]
- Marvin Michaels: Millie... I want you to turn around. But please - no matter what you see - don't say anything for ten seconds.
- [Millie turns. She sees the unconscious hooker]
- Millie Michaels: One... two... I'm praying, Marvin. I'm praying very hard the maid came in here to do your room, got dizzy, and fainted from overwork. I'm praying to God the maids in this hotel wear pajamas.
- Diana Barrie: [after he kisses her] Don't close your eyes, Sidney.
- Sidney Cochran: I always close my eyes.
- Diana Barrie: Not tonight. Look at me tonight. Let it be me tonight.
- Diana Barrie: What's that green slime you're eating? It looks like a dish out of Oliver Twist.
- Sidney Cochran: I'm not sure... I think they run the front lawn through a blender.
- [getting ready for Oscar ceremony]
- Diana Barrie: Will you please be nice to me and pay me one bloody compliment. I've been getting ready for this horseshit affair for *three hours!*
- Sidney Cochran: I am going to bed. We have a 10 a.m. plane to catch in the morning.
- Diana Barrie: 10 a.m. is the morning. That is redundant, you A.H.
- Sidney Cochran: Oh, do you think I don't know what you're saying? I *can* spell, you know.
- Diana Barrie: Not without moving your lips, you can't.
- Bill Warren: I don't even have a pill in my medicine cabinet and I gave up analysis.
- Hannah Warren: I heard that. Why did you quit?
- Bill Warren: I went sane.
- Hannah Warren: Sane? My God, how boring.
- Bill Warren: Mate-wise? Mate-wise I'm seeing a very nice girl.
- Hannah Warren: Are you? Seeing her to where?
- Bill Warren: Jenny is our daughter. Ours.
- Hannah Warren: Maybe. We'll see. They've been a little slow with the blood tests.
- Hannah Warren: I suppose if Jenny stays she'll grow up to look like that. Blonde hair. Blonde teeth. Blonde life.
- Diana Barrie: [angrily] I'm not asking you - I'm threatening you, you crud!
- Sidney Cochran: Now I'm definitely not going to tell you.
- Diana Barrie: [sincerely] I'm sorry - I take it back Sidney, you're not a crud!
- Sidney Cochran: Am I still an asshole?
- Diana Barrie: Definitely!
- Marvin Michaels: Do you know who that is?
- Millie Michaels: Yes, it's our hooker. Do you think I would ride with strangers?
- [Marvin is in town for his nephew's bar mitzvah. His brother has set him up with a hooker, who is in his bed, unconscious, when Marvin's wife, Millie, arrives. Marvin tries desperately to keep her from seeing the hooker, but finally gives in to the inevitable]
- Marvin Michaels: Millie... I want you to turn around. But please - no matter what you see - don't say anything for ten seconds.
- [Millie turns. She sees the unconscious hooker]
- Millie Michaels: One... two... I'm praying, Marvin. I'm praying very hard the maid came in here to do your room, got dizzy, and fainted from overwork. I'm praying to God the maids in this hotel wear pajamas.
- Millie Michaels: How much would you say she is, Marvin? Does she look like a fifty dollar hooker to you?
- Marvin Michaels: I don't know... I guess so...
- Millie Michaels: What a cheap brother you've got. We spend a HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE on his lousy kid!
- Diana Barrie: If there's one thing i can't stand it's a bi-sexual homosexual. Or is it the other way 'round?
- Sidney Cochran: It works either way.
- Diana Barrie: How many gin-and-tonics have you had?
- Sidney Cochran: Three gins, one tonic.
- Diana Barrie: [admonishingly] Catch up on the tonics. We don't want to be disgusting tonight, do we?
- Sidney Cochran: [shouting] I am not an asshole!
- Diana Barrie: I've just thrown up on some of the biggest people in Hollywood. Now is no time to be sensitive.
- Diana Barrie: You can stop pretending to be asleep, Sidney. It's over.
- Sidney Cochran: [removes his headphones] I was listening to Beethoven's Ninth. Somewhere on this plane there's a wonderful orchestra.
- Passenger: I hope you win the Oscar!
- Diana Barrie: [privately to Sidney] It's bizarre. Eight years with the national theatre, two Pinter plays, nine Shakespeare, three Shaw, and I finally get nominated for a nauseating little comedy.
- Sidney Cochran: That's why they call it Hollywood.
- Page: Billy boy! How's the new script coming?
- Bill Warren: I found all the words in the dictionary. I just have to put them together.
- Hannah Warren: [sarcastically] I love your California clothes.
- Bill Warren: They're Bloomingdales of New York.
- Hannah Warren: That's the best place for California clothes.
- Marvin Michaels: Harry! You got so bald! How did you get so bald?
- Harry Michaels: You don't see your brother in five years, that's all you got to say?
- Marvin Michaels: I didn't even know it was you. You got so bald!
- Hannah Warren: Jenny tells me you've moved. You're not in Hardy Canyon anymore.
- Bill Warren: Laurel. Laurel Canyon.
- Hannah Warren: Laurel. Hardy. What the hell.
- Bill Warren: Would you believe I run five miles every morning?
- Hannah Warren: After what?
- Bill Warren: After a good night's sleep.
- Bill Warren: Jenny tells me you have a new boyfriend.
- Hannah Warren: No. I have a lover. Jenny has boyfriends.
- Bill Warren: What the hell are you so bitter about? You used to be bright and witty and now you're just snide and sarcastic.
- Hannah Warren: It comes with age. When you don't have a fastball anymore, you go to change-ups and sliders.
- Bill Warren: Would you like to know what Jenny has to say about you?
- Hannah Warren: She told me. She thinks I'm a son-of-a-bitch. She also thinks I'm a funny - son-of-a-bitch. She loves me; but, she doesn't like me. She's afraid of me. She's intimidated by me. She respects me; but, she doesn't want to become like me. We have a perfectly normal mother-daughter relationship.
- Bill Warren: Why didn't you ever run for office, Hannah? I always thought you'd a made a helluva Governor.
- Hannah Warren: I don't think a democratic system really works. Offer me a monarchy and we'll talk.
- Marvin Michaels: How come your so preoccupied with: sex, sex, sex? I thought all that jogging, you'd forget about sex.
- Harry Michaels: You know something better?
- Marvin Michaels: You're still the same: girls, girls, girls. You fall apart every time you see a tuchus.
- Diana Barrie: What's wrong with my hair? I look like I've combed it with a towel.
- Sidney Cochran: When you played Elizabeth, you looked like a warthog and you never complained once.
- Diana Barrie: That was acting. This is living. Living - I want to be beautiful.
- Diana Barrie: Oh, Christ, I hate getting dressed like this. Why is it I'm always perfectly comfortable as somebody else. I'd be perfectly happy going as Hedda Gabler.
- Sidney Cochran: Try Quasimodo.
- Diana Barrie: Try shutting up!
- Diana Barrie: Now, check me out. Do I have too much jewelry on?
- Sidney Cochran: Jingle it. I can't tell if I don't hear it.
- Diana Barrie: Give me a drink. You have the most bizarre sense of humor.
- Sidney Cochran: Bizarre people often do!
- [pours Diana a drink]
- Diana Barrie: Give me a bit more. It's alright. I won't get pissed till after I lose.
- Sidney Cochran: Where are you going?
- Diana Barrie: I need another drink. The last one wore off in the lift.
- Diana Barrie: You should have never given it up, Sidney.
- Sidney Cochran: What?
- Diana Barrie: Acting! Christ, you were good. You had more promise than anyone.
- Sidney Cochran: Really? I can't think what it was I promised.
- Diana Barrie: You were so gentle on stage. So unselfish. So giving. You had a sweet, gentle quality.
- Sidney Cochran: Yes. I would have made a wonderful Ophelia.
- Diana Barrie: You could go back, Sidney, if you wanted to. We could do plays together. Have more time together.
- Sidney Cochran: No, there'd be problems. It would be awful if we were both up for the same part.
- Diana Barrie: God damn him! God damn you. God damn Oscars. God damn California! God damn everything.
- Sidney Cochran: What is it about this climate that brings out the religion in you?
- Bill Warren: Tell me about it, Hannah. Tell me about the political elite on Martha's Vineyard in July. I remember vividly those charity luncheons to raise money for the California grape pickers. A teeming mob of women who must have spent $12,000 on Gucci pants, so they could raise 2,000 for the grape pickers. Why the hell didn't they just mail them the pants?
- Diana Barrie: We should never have come. I never know how to dress in this bloody country. It is so easy to dress in England. You just put on warm clothing.
- Sidney Cochran: Channel 12 just called you the dark horse. They must have seen the dress.
- Diana Barrie: You hate it.
- Sidney Cochran: How much was it?
- Diana Barrie: Nothing, Joe Pickman paid for it.
- Sidney Cochran: Then I love it.
- Diana Barrie: Damn it I wish you didn't have such good taste.
- Diana Barrie: Oh, God, how I envy you. You're the one with all the talent. I'm the one who has to make a horse's ass of myself.
- Sidney Cochran: Talent? What talent do I have?
- Diana Barrie: You have nothing but talent. You cook better than I do. You write better than I do. God knows you dress better than I do.
- Sidney Cochran: Better than I. The "do" is superfluous.
- Diana Barrie: You speak better than I do.
- [first lines]
- [a two-seater plane is flying over snow-capped mountains]
- Harold: For heaven's sake, Wendy - look for an airport. Will you look for the airport?
- Diana Barrie: Oh don't make such a fuss. Just put it down on a mountain.
- Harold: What do you mean 'just put it down'? I'm lucky I can keep it up. I told you I never flew before.
- Diana Barrie: Don't shout at me - I'm a first-class passenger.
- Harold: You're a first class lunatic. It's all over Wendy - our relationship has a quarter of a tank to go.
- Diana Barrie: Yes, but - you do love me, don't you Harold? I know this is an awkward time to bring it up, but I must know, for our future.
- [plane suddenly plummets]
- Harold: Whoa-a-a-a!
- [last lines]
- Stewardess: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Welcome aboard Flight 211 to New York and London. Our flying time this afternoon will be four hours and fifty minutes and we'll be cruising at an altitude of 37,000 feet. We'll now be serving you cocktails and beverages and then serving lunch, followed by our film 'No Left Turn' starring James Coburn and Diana Barrie.
- Diana Barrie: Oh Christ! Sidney, let's get off. Tell them to let us off this bloody plane.
- Diana Barrie: [on the Academy Awards] Why do they have these things so early? I mean, no woman can look good at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. Except, possibly Tatum O'Neal.
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