[during a written driving test]
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Pssssttt... what does the yellow light mean?
Bobby Wheeler: "Slow down."
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: What... does... the... yellow... light... mean?
Bobby Wheeler: "Slow down"!
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Whaaaat... dooooeeees... theeeee... yeeeel-looowwww... liiiiight... meeeeaaan?
[in the mountains, Jim hits his head]
Alex Rieger: Jim, are you alright?
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yeah... who are you?
Alex Rieger: I'm Alex. We're friends, we work together.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: What are we, lumberjacks?
Alex Rieger: No, we're cabdrivers.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: I bet we don't do much business up here!
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: If you find yourself in a confusing situation, simply laugh knowingly and walk away.
Bobby Wheeler: We were wondering if you would join us for a few minutes?
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Well, what did you decide?
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: The ability to witness two men stand toe to toe in the spirit of sportsmanship and pummel each other into insensibility is what separates us from the animals.
Elaine Nardo: Jim, what are you doing here? Where did this model castle come from?
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: It's yours, I made it for you. See Elaine, your fairy tale can come true. Look here's your Castle, and your Prince awaits. Elaine, I know I'm not the most glamorous guy in the world but...
Elaine Nardo: You are truly a sweet decent man.
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Once there was a time when that was enough.
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Hey, Alex - You know the really great thing about television? If something important happens, anywhere in the world, night or day... you can always change the channel.
[while filling out an application]
Bobby Wheeler: Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Now that's a tough choice...
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: You know, you really need to clean up those bathrooms.
Alex Rieger: You just came from the kitchen.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Thank God.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: What did you win that trophy for?
Alex Rieger: For making a fool of myself.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Why doesn't anyone tell me about contests like that?
Elaine Nardo: Poor Emily. It's so sad that she mixed drugs and alcohol and spent the night with you... when most people only die.
Louie De Palma: What're you listening to, Banta?
Tony Banta: I can be here if I want to.
Louie De Palma: No, you can't.
Tony Banta: This is America, Louie.
Louie De Palma: No, it isn't.
Tony Banta: It isn't?
Louie De Palma: No! This is Louieland. You want America, go outside!
Louie De Palma: Jim, your father is no longer with us.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: He never was. He lives in Boston.
Louie De Palma: No, I mean, he's gone on to his final resting place.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: A condo in Palm Beach?
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: I went to Woodstock.
Bobby Wheeler: Oh yeah? You went to Woodstock?
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yep, half a million people gathered together in peace and harmony, grooving to Joni and The Who... hey, you know, if I hadn't gone, there would have only been 499,999 people... lucky for them I went.
Alex Rieger: [to his now-fat ex-wife, at their daughter's wedding] Remember, you haven't lost a daughter - you've gained a ton.
[In a flashback to Louie's days as a driver]
Louie De Palma: All dispatchers are scum.
Alex Rieger: One thing about being a cabbie is that you don't have to worry about being fired from a good job.
Louie De Palma: Do you know what the difference is between people like you and people like me, Nardo?
Alex Rieger: Yeah, two million years of evolution.
[filling out a form]
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Eyes...
Elaine Nardo: No, don't put two.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Oh, they mean color, don't they?
Alex Rieger: Why'd you change your name to Ignatowski?
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Try saying it backwards.
Bobby Wheeler: Ix-wah-tangy.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: That's nowhere near Starchild, is it?
Alex Rieger: Jim, when are you finally going to have some pride and stand up for yourself?
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: August!
Louie De Palma: Ignatowski's got a father? There goes my spore theory!
Louie De Palma: Hey, Bobby, I hope someone slams a door on your face, you sneeze, and your head explodes.
Monica Banta: You must be Louie.
Louie De Palma: How did you know my name?
Monica Banta: I only had three people described to me. One was smart, one was good-looking, and one was you.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: I wonder about things, like, if they call an orange an "orange," then why don't we call a banana a "yellow" or an apple a "red"? Blueberries, I understand. But will someone explain gooseberries to me?
Zena Sherman: You got an attitude problem, you got a personality problem, you got a sensitivity problem, you got an emotional problem, you got a maturity problem, you got a sexual problem...
Louie De Palma: What do you mean?
Zena Sherman: That's all you think about!
Louie De Palma: And that's the problem?
Zena Sherman: Yeah.
Louie De Palma: Whew!
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: [as he hands out invitations] Bobby, do you spell your name with one "o" or two?
Bobby Wheeler: One.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: I'll get it right next time, "Booby".
Louie De Palma: Ignatowski! Where have you been all week?
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: I don't work weekends.
Louie De Palma: You been gone nine days!
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yeah...
Tony Banta: Jim, weekends are only two days.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Oh, I thought we'd switched to the metric system.
Alex Rieger: It's so quiet up here you can hear yourself think.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: I don't hear anything.
Elaine Nardo: Dress is optional... He means how we dress, not if we dress, right?
Alex Rieger: No, I don't think so.
Elaine Nardo: Why?
Alex Rieger: [showing Elaine his invitation] Yours is the only one that says that.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: I wore flowers in my hair and meditated for hours on end. I was finding God all over the place... He kept ditching me.
Alex Rieger: Jim, when I said you were a flake, I meant you'd done some weird things.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Name one.
Alex Rieger: You lived in a condemned building for five years.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: You're confusing flakiness with style!
Alex Rieger: You kept a horse named Gary in your bedroom.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Not everyone has a guest room, Alex.
Louie De Palma: He'll be back... they all come back... the only one who never came back was James Caan... and I'm still waitin'!
Louie De Palma: Some men climb mountains, others date 'em!
[explaining to his mother in a flashback scene why he wants to move to America]
Latka Gravas: In America, a man can become another O.J. Simpson!
Latka's Mother: Who is O.J.Simpson?
Latka Gravas: The JUICE!
Vivian Harrow: [Elaine is trying to convince a hooker to look nice for her paper marriage to Latka] Honey, I've been everything from Little Bo Peep to Darth Vader.
Latka Gravas: [after his paper marriage, his "wife" runs off] No honeymoon?
Alex Rieger: No, Latka.
Latka Gravas: America's a tough town.
Elaine Nardo: [Louie has just admitted his mother needs an operation] What's wrong with her?
Louie De Palma: Female problems, she's starting not to look like one.
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: [as a traveling salesman] I'm "Fill in your name," but you can call me "Nickname."
[to Bobby after finding out he made a bet over whether or not he would change his ways and hanging him on a hook]
Louie De Palma: You scum! You lowlife! You creep! I'm gonna make you regret the day you were born! I'm gonna make sure that every night, you get the dirtiest, smelliest cab in the garage, and if there isn't one that's dirty and smelly, then I'm gonna get in and smelly and dirty it up myself! In the wintertime, your cab will have no heater! In the summertime, your windows won't roll down! I'm gonna make you the second most miserable cab driver in all of New York City!
[Walks towards his office, but briefly stops]
Louie De Palma: The MOST miserable cab driver in all of New York City is whoever lets him down or feeds him!
Louie De Palma: Whenever I hear the word "marriage," I say, "Check, please!"
[Latka pays Louie a coin]
Louie De Palma: What's this?
Latka Gravas: It's a kebble.
Louie De Palma: What's a kebble?
Latka Gravas: 110 kebble make a lithnitch.
Louie De Palma: What's a lithnich?
Latka Gravas: 270 lithnich make a matta.
Louie De Palma: What's a matta?
Latka Gravas: I don't know, what's the matter with you?
Louie De Palma: I know what love is cuz I watch talk shows. Love is the end of happiness!
Alex Rieger: I'm not really a cab driver. I'm just waiting for something better to come along. You know, like death.
Louie De Palma: Get that ugly, flea-ridden, stinking animal out of my garage, and tell him to take his horse with him!
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?
Elaine Nardo: A lot.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Wow! Right on the nose!
Tony Banta: You mean, they didn't tell you they were going to tear down your apartment building?
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Well, you put up with a few minor inconveniences when you live in a condemned building.
Alex Rieger: I'm going to die as I've lived, wearing a green shirt, a catcher's mask, and dancing the can can.
Louie De Palma: That dame is older than the Continental Shelf!
Louie De Palma: Mr. Rieger isn't here right now. Would you like to wait in my office?
Charlotte Reiger: I'd rather be the only woman on a Greek freighter!