Oh, God! (1977)
God: "Did Man fall from grace in the Garden of Eden?" I'll tell you something never came out. I made Adam 17. Eve was 15, 16 tops. I figured then 16, 17 was middle age, you know. Who knew people would live so long? Trees I figured had the best chance. Now I realize that they were kids, babies. Young people can't fall from my grace. They're my best things.
Court Clerk: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
God: So help me, me.
Judge Baker: So help you, you?
God: If it pleases the court, and even if it doesn't please the court, I'm God, Your Honor.
God: I know how hard it is in these times to have faith. But maybe if you could have the faith to start with, maybe the times would change. You could change them. Think about it. Try. And try not to hurt each other. There's been enough of that. It really gets in the way. I'm a God of very few words and Jerry's already given you mine. However hopeless, helpless, mixed up and scary it all gets, it can work. If you find it hard to believe in me, maybe it would help you to know that I believe in you.
Jerry Landers: Why me?
God: Why not you?
Jerry Landers: You mean there's no special...
God: Life is a crap shoot, like the millionth customer that crosses the bridge gets to shake hands with the governor. You thought I picked you because you're better than everyone?
Jerry Landers: I'm not?
God: You're better than some but not as good as others, but you crossed the bridge at the right time.
Jerry Landers: How can you permit all the *suffering* that goes on the world?
God: Ah, how can *I* permit the suffering?
Jerry Landers: Yeah!
God: I don't permit the suffering. You do! Free will. All the choices are yours.
Jerry Landers: Choices? What choices?
God: You can love each other, cherish and nurture each other or you can kill each other. Incidentally, "kill" is the word. It's not "waste." If I meant "waste" I would have written "thou shalt not waste." You're doing some very funny things with words, here. You're also turning the sky into mud. I look down, I can't believe the filth. Using the rivers for toilets, poisoning my fishes. You want a miracle? *You* make a fish from scratch. You can't. You think only God can make a tree? Try coming up with a mackerel. And when the last one is gone, that'll be that. Eighty-six on the fishes, goodbye sky, so long world, over and out.
God: The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets. Before that, I think you have to go back to the Red Sea.
Jerry Landers: Uh, sometimes, uh, now and then, couldn't we just talk?
God: I'll tell you what. You talk, I'll listen.
God: Why is it so hard for you to believe? Is my physical existence any more improbable than your own? What about all that hoo-ha with the devil awhile ago from that movie? Nobody had any problem believing that the devil took over and existed in a little girl. All she had to do was wet the rug, throw up some pea soup and everybody believed. The devil you could believe, but not God? I work in my own way. I don't, I don't get inside little children; they got enough to do just being themselves. Also I'm not about to go around to every person in the world and say, 'Look it's me, I wanna talk to you.' So I picked one man. One very good man. I told him God lives. I live. He had trouble believing too, in the beginning. I understood. I'm not sure how this whole miracle business started, the idea that anything connected with me has to be a miracle. Personally I'm sorry that it did. Makes the distance between us even greater. But if a miracle helps you believe that I am who I say I am... I'll give you one. A good one. Let me see? What's my most impressive miracle? Ah-ha! Pick a card!
Judge Baker: What?
God: Pick a card, any card.
God: [Reading questionnaire] Which of the world's religions is closest to the divine truth?
God: The divine truth is not in a building or a book or a story. Put down the heart is the temple where all truth resides.
Bobbie Landers: I went to empty the garbage and two people blessed me. And then one of them blessed the garbage!
God: The reason I put everyone here naked... I wasn't trying to be cute. It's just that with clothes there's right away pockets, and pockets, you gotta put something in 'em.
George Summers: You know I've heard it all in this chair. I know what being a manager can do to a man. Trouble with books. Humping checkout girls in the freezer.
Jerry Landers: People are always praying to You. Do You listen?
God: I can't help hearing. I don't always listen.
Jerry Landers: So then You don't care.
God: Of course I care! But what can I do?
Jerry Landers: What can You do? You're God!
God: Only for the big picture. I don't get into details.
Jerry Landers: Whatever happens to us...
God: Sometimes when you don't feel normal, doing a normal thing makes you feel normal. Here... start shaving.
Jerry Landers: You know, I'm, I'm liable to lose my job.
God: Lose a job, save a world. Not a bad deal.
Jerry Landers: [God is riding with Jerry in Jerry's car] Now, see, you know a lot of things and you've been making a lot of things happen, but none of it seems...
Jerry Landers: Yeah, God-like.
God: And what to you would be God-like?
Jerry Landers: Uh... Change the weather.
God: Ah, special effects, huh? What would you like? A little earthquake? A small hurricane?
Jerry Landers: No, no. I wouldn't want anybody hurt. I was just thinking maybe, uh... What about a little rain?
God: A little rain?
Jerry Landers: Yeah, a small shower.
God: One small shower. You got it.
[Rain begins falling]
Jerry Landers: Hey. Hey, it's rainin'! You made it rain! You didn't even bat an eye! You didn't have to lift a finger!
God: Rain's not that hard.
Jerry Landers: It's unbelievable!
God: Would you like it to rain a little harder?
Jerry Landers: No, no. This is fine.
God: How about bigger drops?
Jerry Landers: No! This is fine! Fine!
God: Would you care for a little snow?
Jerry Landers: I don't believe it. Hey! Hey! It's not raining outside. It's just in here!
God: Why should I spoil everybody's day?
Jerry Landers: This is fantastic!
God: Thank you.
Jerry Landers: It's just like Noah's Ark!
God: Same thing. Without the smell.
Bobbie Landers: Jerry, what are you going to do about Mr. Summers?
Jerry Landers: What can I do? What do you want me to do?
Bobbie Landers: I want you to say no more about it, like he said not to!
Jerry Landers: Bobbie, Mr. Summers represents Food World. God is with "World" World! It's a slightly bigger obligation.
Bobbie Landers: Bigger than your job?
Jerry Landers: I have no choice! That's the problem!
Bobbie Landers: The problem is, you do! How far do you intend to take this? I mean, how long is this gonna' go on?
Jerry Landers: Until everyone gets the message! Until I can convince people of this miracle - I mean, that's what it is, you know - it's a miracle! Nothing less! And I've gotta' reach the greatest number of people possible and tell them about it.
Jerry Landers: But when you said... when you said everything would work out, uh, I thought you could tell the future.
God: Absolutely, I could tell the future, the minute it becomes the past. I said, everything could work out, if that's everybody's choice. People have to decide on their own what's to be done with the world. I can't make a personal decision for everybody.
God: [Jerry looks a little downcast] Why the face? So far, so good. We hit the papers, a little TV, we're in business.
Jerry Landers: You know, I'm liable to lose my job.
God: Lose a job, save a world. Not a bad deal.
God: Jerry? Do you want me to talk louder?
Jerry Landers: Oh, God!
God: I thought you didn't believe in me?
Jerry Landers: That's just an expression.
God: I'm more than that.
God: I'm tired of all the talk that I may be dead or that I never was at all. Or, that God was just particles of cosmos, gas. I'm not gas. I found that very insulting.
Jerry Landers: You're here? In my bathroom?
God: Come take a look.
Jerry Landers: I can't. I'm naked.
God: You think I don't know what you got?
God: That was another little goof of mine. Shame. I don't know why I thought we needed shame.
God: Not what you expected, huh? I picked a look that you could understand. With someone else, I would look different. I could do any face, voice, whatever. I could, I could even be a woman.
Jerry Landers: There's no plan? No scheme - to guide our destinies? A lot of it is luck.
God: A lot of it is luck.
Jerry Landers: Luck! Just luck?
Jerry Landers: You don't control our lives?
God: I gave you a world and everything in it. Its all up to you.
Jerry Landers: You don't care!
God: I do care.
Jerry Landers: But, then, do something about it!
God: I did. I got you to carry the ball.
Jerry Landers: [looks down] I got no ball!
Jerry Landers: I'm not a nut.
Briggs: Oh, I didn't say that you were.
Jerry Landers: I'm not even religious.
Bobbie Landers: Alright, let's say for a minute that you saw God.
Jerry Landers: Look, don't humor me. Or that'll really make me crazy.
Bobbie Landers: Okay! Okay, you saw him! But, why is he talking to you?
Jerry Landers: Well, why not me?
Bobbie Landers: Well, why not the Pope or Billy Graham or somebody way up there?
Jerry Landers: Because he doesn't care about religion!
Bobbie Landers: God doesn't care about religion, right?
Jerry Landers: Well, that's what he said!
Bobbie Landers: Well, he sure picked a funny business to go into, didn't he!
Bobbie Landers: I can't seem to accept the concept of you actually having a real, honest-to-god conversation with God!
Adam Landers: Well, what do you think?
Becky Landers: Maybe he's going through a stage. You know, mentalpause.
Adam Landers: That's menopause.
Becky Landers: Yeah, like Grandma!
Bobbie Landers: Jerry, I don't want the kids on TV.
Jerry Landers: Can't be any worse than watching it.
George Summers: What is this seein' God crap all about?
Jerry Landers: Well, it's not crap, Mr. Summers. I've seen him.
George Summers: You know, I've heard it all in this chair. I know what bein' a Manager can do to a man: the trouble with books, humpin' checkout girls in the freezer...
Jerry Landers: Is it going to get any worse?
God: How should you know?
Jerry Landers: What do you mean, how should you know?
God: How could I know?
Jerry Landers: Why, you know everything!
God: I only know what is. Also, I'm very big on what was. Now, what isn't yet? I haven't got a clue.
Dinah Shore: You're not nervous, are you?
Jerry Landers: No.
Dinah Shore: Well, I don't mind tellin' you, I am. You have some - pretty powerful friends.
Female Religious Fanatic: Sanctify my body... Give me your golden staff. God said it's okay.
God: You know, Voltaire may have had me pegged right. He said I was a comedian playing to an audience who was afraid to laugh.
Jerry Landers: Bobbie, don't let it get to you.
Bobbie Landers: Don't let it get to me? Don't let it get to me? Jerry, it's got to me!
Bobbie Landers: Don't you see? Jerry! Look, you've got him to talk to. It's just me here. Me and those religious nuts outside. I have to leave the phone off the hook, because people keep calling up and asking to talk to God! Except, of course, the guy that offered to chew on my panty hose!
Bobbie Landers: Telegrams. Notes in the mailbox! In the doorway. Did - they even put one in the dog's mouth.
Reverend Willie Williams: Don't you, young man, try to teach this assemblage, the role of the deity. Rabbi Silverstone, my good and great friend, brother in the work of the Lord, with whom we have broke bread many times, is a pillar of the American Jew community. Bishop Reardon represents millions of Roman Catholics. Bishop Markos - multitudes of Greek Orthodoxers. And, while we have virtually every religious persuasion represented here today. And I, personally, have been chosen to render the benediction at this year's Super Bowl!
God: Eleven dollars for a steak? Who would have thought? With me, cows were and afterthought - just to give new mothers a little rest, you know.
God: [reading religious quiz] "Is Jesus Christ the Son of God?"
God: Jesus was my son. Buddha was my son. Mohammed. Moses. You. The man who said there was no room in the inn, was my Son. And so is the one who charges eleven dollars for a steak.
God: What was that last question?
Jerry Landers: Ah? "Will there - "
God: "Will there be a Judgement Day for Man?" Well, if they mean a doomsday, an end of the world thing, I'm certainly not going to get into that! But, if you want my personal opinion, I wouldn't look forward to it. They'll be a lot of yelling and screaming and I don't need that anymore than you do.
God: Man and women, persons, their existence means exactly and precisely, not more, not one tiny bit less, just what they think it means and what I think, doesn't count at all.
Jerry Landers: That's very profound.
God: Sometimes I get lucky.
God: I want to say to everyone that everything around them, that they can see and smell and feel and hear, they should delight in all this. That, what is here, is some of my very best ideas. And I want everyone to try very hard to make sure it doesn't all go down the drain.
God: You take these answers and give them to Reverend Big Mouth and you say that God says he's a phony. And also tell him, if he wants to get rich, fine, tell him to sell earth shoes. But, personally, tell him, I'd like him to shut up.
Jerry Landers: Everybody thinks I'm a nut.
God: Galileo. Pasteur. Einstein. Columbus. You're in good company. Hold on.
God: Well, I better be going.
Jerry Landers: Aren't you coming back?
Jerry Landers: Ever?
God: Whatever comes. We'll see.