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The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977) Poster

Quotes

Dr. Klahn: The CIA thinks they can infiltrate the Mountain of Dr. Klahn!

CIA Agent: You can't scare me, you slant-eyed yellow bastard.

Dr. Klahn: Take him to... Detroit!

CIA Agent: No! No, not Detroit! No! No, please! Anything but that! No! No!

[Master Klahn decapitates a prisoner]

Klahn: Now take him to be tortured!

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Argon Spokesman: Here at our multi-billion dollar refinery in Fairbanks, we're extracting 2.5 billion barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers' faces.

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Pennington: This is Butkus, Klahn's bodyguard. He is tough and ruthless. This is Kwong, Klahn's chauffeur. He is rough and toothless.

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[first lines]

Newscaster: The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in. Film at eleven.

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[last lines]

Newscaster: I'm not wearing any pants. Film at eleven.

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Newscaster: Moscow in flames, missiles headed toward New York. Film at eleven.

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The Nurse: Leave her... come back to Montana with me.

The Architect: I could no sooner run away from her than myself.

The Nurse: I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality!

The Architect: Whose reality, yours or mine?

The Nurse: My reality AND yours, that's whose!

The Architect: What are you saying?

The Nurse: Leave her! Come back to Montana with me!

The Architect: I could no more run away from her than I could run away from myself!

The Nurse: I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality!

The Architect: Whose reality, yours or mine?

The Nurse: MY reality AND yours, that's whose!

The Architect: What are you saying?

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Narrator: Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited!

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[a woman is worried about the smell of her home as guests arrive]

1st guest: Fish for dinner last night?

2nd guest: Phewww... Harvey still smoking those cigars?

3rd guest: CHRIST! Did a cow shit in here?

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Narrator: Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion!

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Klahn: We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our tradition in the spirit of our ancestors. You have our gratitude.

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Newscaster: Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles. Film at eleven.

[two commercials later... ]

Narrator: If you were thrilled by "The Towering Inferno"... if you were terrified by "Earthquake"... then you will be SCARED SHITLESS at the Samuel L. Bronkowitz production of "That's Armageddon!"

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A.M. Newscaster: It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature The Astrological Hour. A quick reminder: these reports are not intended to foster belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives.

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Game Show Host: If I were asleep, and you were my alarm clock, how would you wake me up?

Guard #2: I wouldn't - I'm no ding-a-ling.

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Argon Spokesman: At Argon, we're working to keep your money!

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[repeated line]

Loo: What was that? This is not a chawade. We need total concentwation.

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Claude LaMont: I live ze unknown, I love ze unknown, I am ze unknown.

Paul Burmaster: Claude, where are you living now?

Claude LaMont: Zat... is unknown. I don't know.

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Announcer: It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker!

[Cut to a man wearing a Evel Knievel jumpsuit and a crash helmet. He walks over to a group of large black men shooting dice in an alley and stands in the middle of them]

Rex Kramer: [screams] NIGGERS!

[Kramer takes off running and the black men immediately give chase]

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Game Show Announcer: Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!

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Henry Gibson: Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness.

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Pennington: These are the Hartz Mountains of Asia. A terrain so rugged, so treacherous, no country will claim it.

Asquith: Worse then Detroit?

Pennington: I'm afraid so.

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Pennington: Klahn has been connected with every sort of nefarious activity. You name it - opium, weapons traffic, assassination, motion picture distribution...

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Loo: And who are they?

Dr. Klahn: Refuse, found in waterfront bars.

Loo: Shanghaied?

Dr. Klahn: Just lost drunken men who don't know where they are and no longer care.

Prisoner #1: Where are we?

Prisoner #2: I don't care!

Loo: And these?

Dr. Klahn: These are lost drunken men who don't know where they are, but do care! And these are men who know where they are and care, but don't drink.

Prisoner #3: I don't know who I am!

Prisoner #4: Yeah. and I don't drink.

Dr. Klahn: Guards!

[moves prisoners]

Dr. Klahn: Do you care?

Prisoner #5: No.

Dr. Klahn: Put this man in cell #1, and give him a drink.

Guard: What do you drink?

Prisoner #5: I don't care.

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Dr. Klahn: No! Not water! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ohhh! I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude!

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Henry Gibson: In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer.

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Henry Gibson: It is also important to know what to do you when you die. 1) Don't try to drive a car. 2) Do not operate heavy machinery. 3) Do not talk.

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Mrs. Hefsteder: Three years ago our Johnny died. We thought there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap, he could still be a useful member of our family and the community. Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives.

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Husband: Well, what's our little skeptic doing today?

Housewife: She's frying the cat in pure Nesson oil.

[cat screams]

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PA Announcement: This is not a drill - drills go Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker...

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Klahn: [telephone rings, answering machine picks up] Herro. This is Dr. Klahn. I'm not home right now. Leave a message when you hear the beyep. You have our gratitude.

[gong sound]

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Hornung: Mr. Grunwald, in addition to your occupation as a spoon, is it not true that you are a driving instructor?

Grunwald: No.

Hornung: Then it is true.

Grunwald: Yes.

Hornung: That you're not a driving instructor?

Grunwald: No.

Hornung: Your Honor, I object to this line of questioning.

Judge: Overruled.

Hornung: Very well, then; I'd like some time to go over my briefs.

Judge: Please.

Hornung: [inspects his underwear] They're fine.

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Hornung: Ms. Filagree, as a passenger in the Grunwald vehicle, can you identify the man driving the blue Buick?

Rita Filagree: Yes.

Hornung: Is he in this courtroom right now?

Rita Filagree: [breaks down crying] Yes!

Hornung: Would you kindly point him out to me, please?

Rita Filagree: I can't do it, I just can't do it!

[Hornung holds up a dildo]

Hornung: Young lady, are you familiar with the penile codes in this state?

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A.M. Newscaster: In the meantime this is A.M. Today. It's 18 minutes after the hour and time for our daily feature of debate: Count/Pointercount. Once again here are John Fitzsimmons and Sheila Hamilton.

John Fitzsimmons: [alternately to Sheila and camera] Well Sheila, I guess even you and your liberal cronies have found the light at the end of the tunnel of love with our beloved president. The intellectuals have been much agitated and now, having gotten the presidency by exploiting the problems they themselves have manufactured, he has done his best to fuel their anxieties about him. Sheila, will you and your pack of bleeding heart liberals never learn that expanding welfare roles only accelerate inflation and inevitably hurt most those they purport to help?

Sheila Hamilton: Why John, you old stick in the mud.

[to camera]

Sheila Hamilton: I've been listening to that horse shit of yours for months, and you can take that crap and blow it out your ass. And for good measure, sit on THIS,

[flips the bird]

Sheila Hamilton: John.

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Sex Record Voice: One of the most frequent problems encountered during the sexual act is that of premature ejaculation.

[the man realizes that this just happened to him]

Sex Record Voice: Should premature ejaculation occur, the Joy of Sex album comes equipped with BIG JIM SLADE.

[Big Jim Slade bursts through the door]

Sex Record Voice: Big Jim, former tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, is outfitted with various whips, chains, and a sexual appetite that will knock your socks off!

[Big Jim carries the woman away]

Sex Record Voice: Big Jim has satisfied women throughout the world, and the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln!

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The Architect: I tell you this building is unsafe!

[knocks his desk and the ceiling falls over his head]

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Loo: You can always look for happiness, but there is really no need to look past your own front door. There are plenty of things that you can do right here in your own community. You can visit a dairy and see how milk is handled and prepared for delivery. Or plan a series of window displays on home safety. Or help start a library. Or discuss with your dentist what you can do to make your teeth more attractive.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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