Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (1977)
[In the final stage of the race, Bruno Von Stickle won't let Herbie pass him]
Wheely Applegate: Dirty road hog! Why doesn't he learn how to drive?
Jim Douglas: He knows how to drive, that's the trouble!
[They go round a pair of sharp curves, and Von Stickle does a better job of taking them than Herbie]
Wheely Applegate: Yeah, I see what you mean.
Wheely Applegate: [about a French man's response to a racing story he just told him] I didn't understand what he was saying.
Jim Douglas: That's OK. He didn't understand what you were saying either. Come to think of it, I don't think *I* understood what you were saying.
Max: Right on schedule. Just ten steps to six million dollars.
Quincey: One step to Devil's Island, if anything touches that floor.
Jim Douglas: You listen to me, Herbie, and you listen good. Now, you and I did not come out of mothballs to be the laughingstock of the continent.
Claude Gilbert: Congratulations, Douglas. You have just won the right to taste my dust tomorrow.
Bruno Von Stickle: And mine, Douglas. Today, you break my record. But tomorrow, I return your hello-comeback into goodbye forever. Auf Wiedersehen.
[Wheely and Jim are dusussing to each other about females]
Wheely Applegate: They never say what they mean. That's what makes the female the species deadlier than the male.
Jim Douglas: You read that some place?
Wheely Applegate: Yes, and I've got a mother, three sisters, and two ex-wives to prove it. Oh, they never told me they wanted me out of the house, but every time I came home, the lock was changed.
Jim Douglas: Is that a knocking I hear in the gas tank?
Wheely Applegate: Not in my gas tank. Never!
Jim Douglas: Sounds like something clonking around in there.
Wheely Applegate: [not giving in to any problems that could deprive them from their chance of winning the race] Well, we either listen to the driver and stop to take the gas tank apart, or we listen to the mechanic and try to win this race.
Jim Douglas: I'm listening to the mechanic.
[Jim and Wheely both suddenly notice that Herbie is gone]
Jim Douglas: Herbie!
Wheely Applegate: You mean "no Herbie."
Wheely Applegate: All taken care of, Jim. Had a little talk with Herbie. Had to straighten him out. I don't mind having a car that's got a heart, but I will not tolerate a car falling in love with another car.
Jim Douglas: What did you expect him to fall in love with? The Goodyear blimp?
Wheely Applegate: The Goodyear - - Yeah.
Wheely Applegate: Anyway, I said "Listen Herbie, we're over here for one thing and one thing only. And that's to make the biggest comeback in racing history. So, no women in training camp. You just forget that little chick, and you can do it. Just a matter of mind over metal."
Wheely Applegate: [about Jim and Herbie the car] Don't let his modesty or this little car coming out of retirement fool you. There isn't a finer tuned cleaner engine anywhere.
Bruno Von Stickle: I'm sure it should be easy to keep clean. All you got to do is drop it in the washing machine, along with your socks.
Wheely Applegate: Appreciate your humor. But just don't you worry about this little washing machi - ...
[Jim elbows him]
[Von Sticle cracks up at his slip of tongue]
Wheely Applegate: It's a REAL JEWEL!
Jim Douglas: [signing in to the qualifying round] Douglas and Applegate.
Race official: Douglas. Ah, yes, Monsieur Douglas. You're in the heat after this one. Good luck.
Bruno Von Stickle: That's the same heat I'm in, Douglas. You're going to need more than luck. You're going to need wings.
Wheely Applegate: Oh, yeah? Well, you may just be in for a little surprise.
Bruno Von Stickle: [chuckles] I can see your surprise. It is very little.
[Herbie drives his front wheels onto a hose with a squirter at the end which Von Stickle is using to wash his car; where he look straight at it, wondering what happened to the water. Right on target, Herbie goes off the hose, and causes Von Stickle to get squirted in the face]
Jim Douglas: Look for an even bigger surprise when the race starts.
Insp. Bouchet: Yes, yes, yes. But, uh, are you sure that all the security precautions had been taken?
Monsieur Ribeaux: I've searched my memory. Could I have forgotten something?
Det. Fontenoy: [interrupting their discussion] Inspector, some residue of a footprint. I might have overlooked it, but I seemed to hear your voice calling out "Fontenoy, remember, no clue is too small."
Insp. Bouchet: Did you also here me saying "Take it to the lab and get it analyzed, Fontenoy"?
Jim Douglas: [about Herbie] He's out of his mind.
Wheely Applegate: He's out of his mind, all right. Over that luscious little Lancia.
Jim Douglas: Now wait a minute, buddy.
Diane Darcy: [takes off her helmet] What do you mean "buddy"?
Jim Douglas: Uh, Miss Buddy.
[Max, on the phone at a phone booth, panicking of telling him his news about progress of attempting to get back their stolen diamond]
Max: Double X? Uh, yeah. I'm afraid we- we- we've had another complication.
Insp. Bouchet: [through the phone] I'm beginning to think that you're the complication!
[now showing him at his office]
Insp. Bouchet: [nearly yells it through the phone, but suddenly realizes his receptionist just across the glass wall, and gets his voice down and addresses the diamond in a way, so he couldn't hear him talking about the diamond in a way that reveals any clue that he is behind the diamond robbery] THAT- That "item" should have been in my hands by now!
Max: [through the phone] Oh, don't worry, sir. It's still in the gas tank.
Insp. Bouchet: Then bring me the gas tank! What are you waiting for?
Max: [shown on the phone at the phone booth] We've lost them again, sir. We don't know where they are.
Max: Excuse me, sir. There's some very impressive racing cars here, but I don't seem to see the little Volkswagen.
Showroom MC: Ah, you mean the Douglas car. It will be here. Patience, my friend, patience.
Quincey: If one more person says "patience" to me, I'll - ...
[Max taps his shoulder]
Max: We better have it now, because if we don't turn up with that diamond, Double X is going to mark the spot where we're buried.
Quincey: [sees Herbie finally arriving] Here, here. Don't dig our graves just yet.
Jim Douglas: Come on, you come with us.
Diane Darcy: No, no, I'm - I'm gonna stay with my car.
Wheely Applegate: Looks like we're all gonna stay with her car.
[we see Herbie drive up and park right next to the Lancia, where they open each other's doors to kiss]
Wheely Applegate: [Herbie pulled the Diane Darcy's Lancia out of lake, after Jim Douglas & Wheely Applegate rescued her, from drowning Diane Darcy then spoke to Herbie]
Diane Darcy: Uh, Herbie? Now, listen to me. Uh, Herbie, I know just how you feel... but I know you're also not a quitter. Now show 'em you can do it. Win it for them!
[Diane's Launcha horn honks]
Diane Darcy: And for her.
Wheely Applegate: [sees their opponent Bruno Von Stickle whiz by them, and he says a line that Jim said earlier, that goes with the problem] Well, you can believe this: We are now out of the money, because 'sometimes a comeback comes second.'
Jim Douglas: Who's giving up, buddy? Not Me!
Jim Douglas: [trying to think of any clue of where Herbie and the Lancia could be, but Diane misunderstands him and thinks that he is trying to be fresh with her] Where would you take a boyfriend on his first night to Paris?
Diane Darcy: 'Boyfriend?' Don't tell me this is your cute way of making a pass.
Jim Douglas: If I had romance in mind, would he be along?
[points to Wheely]
Wheely Applegate: Right.
[suddenly makes an annoyed-looking frown]
Jim Douglas: We've lost our car, and we'd like to know if you've seen it by any chance.
Diane Darcy: Who cares about your silly Volkswagen? My Lancia has been stolen!
Waiter: [points to Diane] Uh, your car.
[then points over to Jim and Wheely]
Waiter: And your car.
Jim Douglas: Yes.
Waiter: I saw them both.
Diane Darcy: Then you saw who stole them?
Waiter: You would not believe this. I would not believe this. No one would believe this.
Jim Douglas: What?
Waiter: I think they steal each other.
Diane Darcy: [she sees the taxi driver laughing, when really at something other strange he heard about her car and Herbie on the radio, but thinking that it's over the fact that they are missing] Do you think this is something to laugh about?
Taxi driver: [while still chuckling] Forgive me, madamoiselle, I laugh at the radio. Two cars take a ride on the Bateau Mouche. Would you believe such a thing?
Diane Darcy: [to Jim Douglas] When the men come by from the booby hatch come...
Diane Darcy: go quietly.
[tilts head & walks away]
- Diane Darcy.
[after Herbie successfully passed Bruno Von Stickle's race car in dark tunnel and last half mile before the finish line]
Bruno Von Stickle: Swine!
Wheely Applegate: Now, where's Herbie? Are you crazy? We're supposed to be in a race and here you are, driving the bank of England or the crown jewels or who knows what? Well, we didn't travel six thousand miles just to see some French pastry dressed up like a tin soldier! I'll tell you something, I've had with the French! The men, the women and... Herbie?
Jim Douglas: I, I hate to mention this again... but I heard some clunking...
Wheely Applegate: You mean that nonsense about the gas tank?
Jim Douglas: Yeah, that's...
Wheely Applegate: All right, let's get it straight, once and for all... who the mechanic is around here, okay? You say it's the gas tank, and I say it isn't the gas tank. You see? It isn't the gas tank. It's this... rock that was in the gas tank.
Jim Douglas: Hold it! There's only one kind of rock that glistens like that.
Wheely Applegate: Well, sure, quartz. You can find millions of'em around any quarry in Philly.
Jim Douglas: But... not one that's worth... 6,000,000 bucks.
Wheely Applegate: Huh?
Jim Douglas: L 'etoile dejoie.
Wheely Applegate: The tall, the what?
Jim Douglas: Etoile dejoie.
Wheely Applegate: [Gasps] Oh, wow! That's...
Wheely Applegate: That's the biggest hunk of diamond I've ever seen in my life.
Jim Douglas: What I don't understand is how it - The black sedan!
Wheely Applegate: Huh? Where?
Jim Douglas: No, no, no. They're the ones that robbed the museum. Don't you see? They weren't trying to knock us out of the race. They were trying to get this out of Herbie.
Max: [But suddenly coming behind] Thank you for helping us, gentlemen, and up with your hands.
Quincey: You gave us the slip for the last time.
Max: We'll take the rock.
Wheely Applegate: [Clearing throat] I don't suppose you'd believe that was just a big hunk of quartz.
Max: [Chuckles] The rock. Let me have it.