The Goodbye Girl (1977)
Elliot Garfield: I just met Lucy.
Paula McFadden: What did you tell her?
Elliot Garfield: That I was moving into the other room. She seemed to take it in stride.
Paula McFadden: You grow up fast in this apartment. The john is right over there. I'll get the rest of her things out in the morning.
Elliot Garfield: Would you like to stop grinding your teeth for two seconds? The noise is driving me crazy.
Paula McFadden: A dripping stranger from Chicago with a wet beard and dirty shoes moves into my daughter's room and you expect smiles?
Elliot Garfield: I think you're dynamite, you know that? I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first class.
Paula McFadden: This is your room. I do not clean or make beds. You may use the kitchen or the bathroom when I am not in it and wash it up when you are through. You pay for your own food, laundry, linens and phone bills. I would appreciate some quiet between six and nine as that is when Lucy does her homework and I don't care what you drink or smoke. As long as it is not grass in front of my 10 year old daughter. Now, we have everything straight?
Elliot Garfield: No.
Paula McFadden: No?
Elliot Garfield: No. I'm not crazy about the arrangements.
Paula McFadden: You're not.
Elliot Garfield: Definitely not. I am paying the rent, I will make-a-da rules. I like to take showers every morning and I don't like the panties drying on the rod. I like to cook so I will use the kitchen whenever I damn well please and I am very particular about my condiments so, keep your salt and pepper to yourself. I also play the guitar in the middle of the night whenever I cannot sleep and I meditate every morning complete with chanting and burning incense so if you've got to walk around I'd appreciate a little tip-toeing. Also, I sleep in the nude. Au buffo. Winter and summer, rain or snow with the windows open and because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night and because I don't want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place... unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I would keep my door closed. Thems my rules and regulations, how does that grab you?
Paula McFadden: And if I say no?
Elliot Garfield: I've got this lawyer acquaintance downtown.
Paula McFadden: Errr, I accept.
Elliot Garfield: We're movin' right along.
Paula McFadden: I don't like it and I don't think I like you.
Elliot Garfield: Because I'm an actor?
Paula McFadden: Coupled with your personality.
Elliot Garfield: Well, that's probably why we were thrown together. One of God's little jests. Now if you will move your shapely little fanny out of my room I will unpack and dry my beard. Miss McFadden, you forgt to say goodnight.
Paula McFadden: I was working on good-bye.
Elliot Garfield: [muttering under his breath] Unbelievable!
Paula McFadden: I thought you said you were decent.
Elliot Garfield: I am decent. I also happen to be naked.
Paula McFadden: You were never four-and-a-half, you were born 26.
Elliot Garfield: You know I liked you from the first time I met you when you answered the door. I said to myself, "This is the best half-a-face I ever saw!"
Lucy McFadden: [With Elliot at the dinner table] You're terrific with words. You always pick the right ones.
Elliot Garfield: Words are the canvas of an actor. His lips are his brushes, and his tongue - the colors of the spectrum. And when he speaks, he paints portraits.
Lucy McFadden: [Impressed] Classy! He's very classy!
[quoting newspaper reviews of his off-Broadway premiere]
Elliot Garfield: I was "an Elizabethan fruit fly." I was "the Betty Boop of Stratford-on-Avon." I was "putrid." Capital P, capital U, capital TRID.
Elliot Garfield: You know I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first rate.
Paula McFadden: Five minutes! Leave your bags this isn't a permanent conversation.
Elliot Garfield: I'm dripping on your rug.
Paula McFadden: It's been dripped on before.
Elliot Garfield: Look, I'm sorry about this. I didn't know there were going to be any complications.
Paula McFadden: There's a lot of that going around lately.
Elliot Garfield: I don't blame you for being hostile. I think I get the picture. Tony rented me the apartment and split with the money, right? Then you and your daughter got dumped on.
Paula McFadden: That is your version. My version is that Tony and I amicably end our relationship. We agreed that I would keep the apartment and you and your six hundred dollars got dumped on. Get the picture?
Elliot Garfield: Very sharp. That's sharp. That's very sharp. You're a sharp New York girl, right?
Paula McFadden: No a dull Cincinnati kid but you get dumped on enough and you start to develop an edge.
Elliot Garfield: Okay, so what's the deal, huh? I mean, I got a lease here in my pocket. You gonna honor it, or what?
Paula McFadden: I've got a daughter in my bed that tops a lease in your pocket.
Elliot Garfield: Look, I don't want to get legal. Legal happens to be on my side, you know? Now I happen to have a lawyer aquaintance downtown, all I have to do is call this lawyer aquaintance of mine and...
[hears Paula groaning]
Elliot Garfield: What? What?
Paula McFadden: An actor. Another Goddamn actor. "I happen to have a lawyer aquaitance?" Right out of A Streetcar Named Desire. Stanley Kowalski in summer stock, right?
Elliot Garfield: Wrong. Chicago in the dead of winter. Three and a half months at the Drury Lane Theater.
Paula McFadden: Ask an actor a question and he gives you his credits.
Elliot Garfield: You want to hear the reviews? Elliot Garfield brings to Kowalski dimentions that even Brando had not investigated?
Paula McFadden: Terrific! You write beautifuly. Aren't you a little short to play Stanley?
Elliot Garfield: Nobody know that I stood on the poker table. What are you, a critic?
Paula McFadden: No, I love actors. As long as they stay up on the stage where they belong. But you put them down in real life and the whole world gets screwed up. Well, I have had enough. I am not getting thrown out of the same lousy apartment twice. You want your money back? Go to Naples. You want this apartment? Buy me two tickets to California. Either way I will give you two minutes to think it over before I start yelling rape.
Elliot Garfield: Jesus! You are really something you know that? Really. I'm surprised Tony didn't take a job in the Phillipines.
Paula McFadden: I hope you are thinking because I am counting.
Elliot Garfield: Will you just wait just a second. Just... hold... hold it. Can we make a deal?
Paula McFadden: I don't know. I just got here. Ha, ha. I can I a cup of coffee?
Paula McFadden: No.
Elliot Garfield: Oh, don't be bashful just say what's on your mind.
Elliot Garfield: Alright, here is the situation.
Paula McFadden: I know the situation.
Elliot Garfield: Just let me say this out loud alright? I mean, I don't really believe this myself. Number one, I'm starting work in the morning and I have no place to sleep tonight. Number two, you don't have any money and you've got my apartment. Also you have your daughter to think about.
Paula McFadden: I am thinking of her right now!
Elliot Garfield: Do me the courtesy of hearing me out. Please? You are not the only one who can scream rape, you know?
Paula McFadden: Ha.
Elliot Garfield: We are both in a bind. The two of us. And I think the only practical solution is that we share the apartment.
Paula McFadden: I accept.
Elliot Garfield: What?
Paula McFadden: I accept. I may be subborn but I am not stupid.
Elliot Garfield: You mean it?
Paula McFadden: I have a daughter to goes to school and I have to start looking for work in the morning. You have a key. I would have to stand guard all day long to keep you out. I accept, you win, get your bags. You get the small bedroom.
Elliot Garfield: What the hell am I getting myself into, huh?
Paula McFadden: Is that it? Is that the last chorus?
Elliot Garfield: I am in a blissful state so don't bug me.
Paula McFadden: Is this going to be a regular routine? I mean, guitars at night. Humming in the morning. I've been in musicals that didn't have this much music.
Elliot Garfield: Miss McFadden, this morning I start rehearsals for my very first New York play. Probably the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. Because I have meditated I am relaxed, I am calm, I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated. Therefore you are a pain in the ass.
Paula McFadden: This happens to be a very important day for me, too. I am auditioning for a new musical this morning. I slept 17 minutes last night thanks to you and with the bags I have under my eyes unless this musical is about little old ladies I don't stand a chance in hell. Are you listening to me?
Elliot Garfield: Uh-huh.
Paula McFadden: What is that slop you are putting into my dishes?
Elliot Garfield: Granola, wheat germ, soya, lecithin, natural honey. My body is a temple, Miss McFadden, and I am worshiping it. It's what gives me my energy, my vitality and my natural disposition. I'm 63 years old Miss McFadden and look at me. May I fix you a bowl?
Paula McFadden: This is not going to work. I mean, I don't know you well enough to truly dislike you but you are just too weird to live with. Why don't you find yourself another apartment and I will pay you the $600.00 as soon as I get a job.
Elliot Garfield: You are forgetting that this is my apartment. You are living here on an Elliot Garfield grant. You really ought to try some of this, you know? It's got whole bran in it. My feeling is that your whole problem stems irregularity.
Elliot Garfield: [talking on phone] I just called the 37th precinct. There is no Charles D'Agastino in Homicide. Then I called Rita Scott, an old actress friend of mine who was in "The Merchant of Venice" this year with the ever-popular Tony DeForest. Rita told me all about this girl Tony's living with. A certain Paula McFadden, a former dancer and her ten-year-old daughter Lucy. She also told me that the apartment is leased in the name of Tony DeForest. She knows this for a fact because she used to live with Tony, the smoothie, prior to Paula and Lucy. Now can we continue this conversation in a drier room, Ms. McFadden?
Paula McFadden: You got problems? Take it up with the housing authority.
Elliot Garfield: Don't hang up. Please, don't hang up. I don't have any more change, I'm soaked to the bone, Miss McFadden and I have a very low threshold for disease. Look, I don't know what Tony told you, but he's got my money, I got a lease, and you got the apartment. Now, one of us got screwed. Uh, let me rephrase that. We need to talk this out, and I am in no condition, financial or health-wise, to look for a hotel in the pouring rain. I mean, if there's any such thing as the 78th-street flu, I think I've got it.
Paula McFadden: Why don't you take a shot in a convenient place?
Elliot Garfield: Five minutes. That's all I'm asking. What is it? Now look, in about 30 seconds, we're going to get cut off, Miss McFadden. My number is 873-5261, it's a flooded booth on Amsterdam Avenue. If you have any compassion in your heart whatsoever... I'm trying to work it out, operator. Any compassion in your heart whatsoever, you'll call me back. 873-5261. That number again is 873-52... oh, shit.
Elliot Garfield: I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I'd keep my door closed.
Elliot Garfield: What is it about you that makes a man with a hundred forty-seven I.Q. feel like a dribbling idiot?
Elliot Garfield: If you were a Broadway musical, people would be humming your face.
Elliot Garfield: Despite the fact that you're one large pain in the arse last night was the best thing that ever happened to me, girl wise, and if you weren't behaving like such a horses rectum you would know that we could be inside touching and fondling all day long until I've got to go to rehearsal. Personally madam, I think you blew it.
Elliot Garfield: [out on the fire escape] Hey! I think I have a clue now as to why all those other guys left. Crackers! Animal Crackers lady! You've got a severe case of emotional retardation. I'm not leaving Paula, I'm escaping.
Paula McFadden: I will personally forward your mail.
Elliot Garfield: Keep it! I'm not giving you a forwarding address.
Paula McFadden: [to woman on the street] Lot of weirdos in this neighborhood.
Elliot Garfield: But just in passing I'd like to say that last night was teriffic, okay? It was the Super Bowl of romance. I give it a fat nine on a scale of ten. You lose one point for burping your wine but all in all it's still a very respectable score.
Paula McFadden: Don't you get glib about last night it was very important to me.
Elliot Garfield: You want to lower your neurosis for just one second I'm not finished. You want to know what your problem is?
Paula McFadden: What?
Elliot Garfield: You love to love someone but the minute they start taking the initiative like I did last night that scares the pants off you. Nothing off color intended. You didn't wait at any stage door me, you know? I approached first. I touched first and you can't handle that, can you.
Paula McFadden: [to woman on street] He is laughable. And silly! You are the silliest man I've ever met.
Elliot Garfield: And you know that I'm right.
Paula McFadden: If you don't let go of me I'm going to punch your other eye out!
Elliot Garfield: Paula, you know yourself too well to ignore what I'm saying.
Paula McFadden: Yes, that is exactly why I am trying to ignore it.
Elliot Garfield: You know what we got here? We got Taming of the Shrew, that's what we got here.
Elliot Garfield: [climbing the stairs in the apartment building] Despite the fact that you're one large pain in the arse, last night was the best thing that ever happened to me, girl-wise, and if you weren't behaving like such a horse's rectum you would know that we could be inside touching and fondling all day long until about 5 o'clock when I gotta go to rehearsal. Personally, Madam, I think you blew it.
[during rehearsal of Richard III]
Elliot Garfield: My careereth is over. I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth. Mark, I'm begging you. I'm BEGGING you. You want this kind of performance? Let me play Lady Anne.
Paula McFadden: What happened to your eye?
Elliot Garfield: I used it to stop a fist from going through my face.
Elliot Garfield: You knocked?
Paula McFadden: May I speak to you in private for a moment?
Elliot Garfield: Well, it's a bad time how about at breakfast?
Paula McFadden: Is that a girl in there?
Elliot Garfield: I certainly hope so.
Paula McFadden: Not in my house. I will not put up with this sort of thing.
Elliot Garfield: What sort of thing? You have a girl in your bedroom and I don't object. Uh, Rhonda, this is Paula McFadden. Mac lives just down the bedroom apiece. Mac, this is Rhonda Fontana a gifted and rising young actress. Don't rise.
Rhonda Fontana: Hi.
Paula McFadden: Hello. Can we talk? This is serious.
Elliot Garfield: [to Rhonda] Take a break.
Paula McFadden: Out!
Elliot Garfield: Out?
Paula McFadden: Her, out! They have motels for that sort of activity. I have an impressionable 10 year old daughter in there and this is not one of the impressions I want her picking up. So you get that "rising young actress" the hell out of there.
Elliot Garfield: Out of where? Out of my rented apartment that you are staying in out of the goodness of my heart? I will bring home anyone or anthing that I choose, including a one-eyed Episcopalian kangaroo if that happens to be my kinky inclination. As for what is going on in there we're rehearsing Act 1, Scene 4 from Richard the Third. I happen to have a cretin from Mars directing this play and I need all the help I can get. However, if I choose to attempt to have carnal knowledge of that gorgeous bod that'll be her option, my problem and none of your business! And just for the record what do you think little Lucy's impression of what was going on in Mama's bedroom with Tony "Love 'em & leave 'em" DeForrest, huh? Hey Mac! Why don't you turn out some of these lights? We're running up a heck of a bill.
Paula McFadden: Would you be interested in my bedroom?
Elliot Garfield: You talking to me?
Paula McFadden: You can have the big bedroom for 50 dollars more a month, payable in cash right now. We'll move into yours in the morning.
Elliot Garfield: Oh, you mean a rent increase for getting what I should have gotten and what I didn't get in the first place? No, thank you.
Paula McFadden: Well then, would you be interested in lending me 50 dollars. I'll pay you either 7 and a half percent interest or do your laundry. Take your pick.
Elliot Garfield: They really cleaned you out, huh?
Paula McFadden: Everyone from here to Italy.
Elliot Garfield: I've got, uh, twenty... twenty-eight dollars and change. I'll split it with you. And starting opening night I get 240 a week so I'll make a deal. I'll pay all the living expenses until you get yourself a job. And, I'll even do my own laundry.
Paula McFadden: I see. And what do you get?
Elliot Garfield: Oh, all you have to do is be nice to me.
Paula McFadden: You go to hell!
Elliot Garfield: Will you listen very, very carefully to me just for one... uh, this may be the last time I ever speak to you. Not everyone in this world is after your magnificent body, lady. In the first place it's not so magnificent. It, it's fair, alright? But it's not keeping me up nights thinking about it, you know? I don't even think you're very pretty. Maybe if you smiled once in a while okay but I don't want you to do anything against your religion. And you are not the only person in this city ever to get dumped on! I, myself, am a recent dumpee. I am a dedicated actor, Paula, you know? I am dedicated to my art and my craft, I value what I do. And because of a mentally arthritic director I am about to play the second greatest role in the history of the English speaking theater like a double order of fresh California fruit salad. When I say nice I mean nice, you know? Decent and fair. I deserve it. Because I'm a nice decent and fair person, I don't want to jump on your bones. I don't even want to see you in the morning. But I will tell you one thing I do like about you Paula. Lucy. Lucy's your best part. Lucy is worth putting up with you for. So here is 14 dollars for the care and feeding of that terrific kid. You get zippidy-do-da. You want any money? Borrow it from your 10 year old daughter. I'm am now going inside my room to meditate away my hostility toward you. Personally, I don't think it can be done!
Lucy McFadden: Congratulations
Elliot Garfield: For What?
Lucy McFadden: I didn't know what else to say.
Elliott Garfield: I happen to have a lease in my pocket. Are you gonna honor it or what?
Paula McFadden: I have a daughter in my bedroom. That tops the lease in your pocket.
Elliott Garfield: [reading a review of his performance as Richard III] "It never occurred to us that William Shakespeare wrote the 'Wizard of Oz'. However, Elliot Garfield makes a splendid Wicked Witch of the North." Tacky. Tacky. Well, if they're gonna kill me, let 'em kill me with panache.
Lucy McFadden: [watching Elliot's performance as a gay Richard III] Looks like the guy at the beauty parlor.
Lucy McFadden: How long is he going to stay?
Paula McFadden: As long as he lets us.
Mark: Now, what about Richard? Historically we know that Richard was born with severe curvature of the spine. Thus giving the impression that he was hunch backed. There was some paralysis of the right foot and the left hand, Olivier chose to play the left foot and the right hand, God knows why. As well as nerve damage to the right cheek and the eyelids. I mean, the man was your basic gimp let's face it. All of which bring us, thanks to the wise and rich Mrs. Estelle Morganwise, to this production. Is that the way we want to play Richard? If you do then this director would just as soon do a six week stint on the Sonny and Cher Show. Richard the third was a flaming homosexual. So was Shakespere for that matter. But that angry mob at the Globe Theater wasn't about to plunk down two shillings to see a bunch of pansies jumping about on the stage. It was society that crippled Richard not childbirth. I mean, read your texts. He sent those two cute little boys up to the tower and nobody ever saw them again. I mean, we all know why, don't we? What I want to do here is to strip Richard bare, metaphorically. Let's get rid of the hump. Let's get rid of the twisted extremeties and show him for what he would be today. The queen who wanted to be king.
Mark: [sees Elliot raising his hand] Yes?
Elliot Garfield: Question. Are you serious?
Mark: Now, what's the objection Elliot?
Elliot Garfield: Well, number 1 I have to play it. Number 2 I like the hump and the club foot and number 3 I've been working on the part for 3 months.
Mark: And I respect that. I mean, that's why were here, isn't it? To exchange ideas. So, how do you see Richard, Mr. Macho?
Elliot Garfield: No, I don't think the guy's a linebacker for the Chicago Bears. But let's not throw away one of his prime motivations.
Mark: Oh, and what's that?
Elliot Garfield: He wants to hump Lady Anne!
Mark: Oh, yes. I've heard that before. Well, look, I'm not going to try and pressure you but let's just try it my way. Let's read through the first act. Trust me, please.
Assistant Director: Act one scene one...
Elliot Garfield: Uh, excuse me. Sorry. Just how far off the diving board do you want me to jump?
Mark: Well, don't give me Bette Midler, but let's not be afraid to be bold.
Elliot Garfield: Bold.
Assistant Director: Act one, scene one, enter Richard Duke of Glochester.
Elliot Garfield: Now is the winter of our discontent... Sorry, one minute. Now is the winter...
Elliot Garfield: [Very effeminate] Now ith the winter of our dithcontent... may I have a 5 minute break please?
Mark: Five minutes.
Elliot Garfield: Lady Anne! Lady Anne! The black prince is dead! England is yours! You don't want England? How about Spain? Spain I can get you cheap.
Lucy McFadden: What are you doing in that thing?
Elliot Garfield: Come on, let's get going, will ya? This horse has got a meter on it.
Lucy McFadden: Where to?
Elliot Garfield: We're going home! To Tara! Come on! Cynthia Fine, right? I think you've got charisma, too.
Cynthia Fine: Lucy, did you tell him? I never said anything like that. I'm going to get you for that Lucy you big creep.
Elliot Garfield: You want to go to my opening tonight? I owe you a good time after the last one.
Lucy McFadden: I have homework.
Elliot Garfield: What are you sore about? Me and your Mom?
Lucy McFadden: It's none of my business why should I be sore?
Elliot Garfield: Yeah, well, since you and I are exchanging bedrooms tonight I kinda think it is. But I'm a little old fashioned. I'd like to have your approval.
Lucy McFadden: Me? I'm only ten years old. I'm not even old enough to vote yet.
Elliot Garfield: I like your style, kid, I really do. Oh, I'm sorry, I hear you don't like to be called kid.
Lucy McFadden: I'm a kid it fits.
Elliot Garfield: Do you like me?
Lucy McFadden: Ask Cynthia Fine she's crazy about you.
Elliot Garfield: Lucy, do you like me?
Lucy McFadden: You're wasting your money because I'm really not enjoying this ride.
Elliot Garfield: Lucy, I'm going to keep asking you until you answer me. Do you like me?
Lucy McFadden: Do you mind if I get off? I think I'm getting nauseous.
Elliot Garfield: Answer my question, Goddamn it. Lucy it makes no difference to me one way or the other because I'm moving in with your old lady but I want to hear it from your own lips. Now answer me, yes or no do you like me?
Lucy McFadden: No!... Yes.
Elliot Garfield: A really, really, really lot?
Lucy McFadden: Yes, yes, alright?
Elliot Garfield: Okay. But as much as you like me it's not 1/1000th as much as I'm crazy about you. You can cry all over yourself I don't care. I am certifiably nuts about you. You and your ditsy mom. So blow that into your handkerchief.
[when Lucy is sick]
Lucy McFadden: How's the play going?
Elliot Garfield: Shh. One sick person at a time.
Elliot Garfield: I am a dedicated actor, Paula, you know? I am dedicated to my art and my craft, I value what I do. And because of a mentally arthritic director, I am about to play the second greatest role in the history of the English-speaking theater like a fresh double-order of California fruit salad.
Paula McFadden: Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Lucy McFadden: What's the last tenth?
Paula McFadden: Shut up.
[the telephone rings]
Lucy McFadden: Is that the last tenth?
[after finding out the play has closed]
Elliot Garfield: That's O.K., Now I'm free to take that other job.
Lucy McFadden: What other job?
Elliot Garfield: I'm looking, I'm looking!
Lucy McFadden: [hears Elliot chanting] What's that?
Paula McFadden: Sounds like God.
Lucy McFadden: I smell strawberries burning.
Paula McFadden: That's incense.
Lucy McFadden: What's incense?
Paula McFadden: It is what I'm feeling right now.
Mark: You're unhappy Elliot?
Elliot Garfield: Unhappy? No. I am freaking petrified. The critics are going to crucify me, Mark. And Gay Liberation is going to hang me from Shakespear's statue. By my genitalia. You gotta help me, Mark.
Mark: What do you want, Elliot?
Elliot Garfield: I want my hump back! I want my club foot. I want a little paralysis in my right hand! I don't mean a lot, just a little, two stiff fingers, I need a little motivation.
Mark: I see. You want to play it safe, eh? You want to give us your standard, conventinal Richard. Well, I can't argue with that Elliot they've been doing it that way for 400 years.
Elliot Garfield: Listen, what do I know? I'm lucky to get the part I know that. I come from Chicago. We do things a little bit differently out there. We do the play as written. That doesn't go over in New York? Terrific. I respect you, Mark, I do. You've done off Broadway I haven't. I'm not a quitter. You want me to do Richard the Third like Tatum O'Neal I'll do it but just don't make me look foolish out there.
Mark: And you feel foolish.
Elliot Garfield: I feel like an asshole! I passed foolish on Tuesday.
Mark: Hey, I was never going to let you do it like that.
Elliot Garfield: Oh, thank God!
Mark: But do you see where I'm heading.
Elliot Garfield: I, I'm trying, Mark.
Mark: Richard was gay there's no doubt about it. But let's use that as subtext. We'll keep it but now we can put back the hump and the club foot...
Elliot Garfield: And the twisted fingers.
Mark: If you like them.
Elliot Garfield: Like 'em? I love 'em! I'm crazy about 'em!
Mark: Then use them, baby, and you will see what I am after. Just try it my way, bubala. I will never let you go wrong.
Elliot Garfield: Haven't we met? In our apartment?
Paula McFadden: Please, I enjoy shopping. Don't ruin this for me too.
Elliot Garfield: Relax. We don't have to fight until we get home. We need soap, Darling.
Paula McFadden: Not in my bathroom we don't.
Elliot Garfield: This is silly. If you get what you need and I get what I need we're going to blow a lot of bread getting the same things. Including bread. Why don't we have one shopping list and split the bill?
Paula McFadden: On what items?
Elliot Garfield: Food! Bathroom and kitchen cleansers. Everything. Except male and female do-dads. In that area you go your way and I'll go mine.
Paula McFadden: We split everything?
Elliot Garfield: Everything. I'll pay my full one third share.
Paula McFadden: One third?
Elliot Garfield: I am not the one with the daughter.
Paula McFadden: What's the matter? Didn't Lady Anne wash her hands the other night?
Elliot Garfield: Quick. Quick. I like a quick girl. Okay, right down the middle.
Paula McFadden: Okay.
Elliot Garfield: Hold it. Hold it. I'll take that.
Elliot Garfield: [Walking down the street] This is a good idea sharing expenses like this. By the way, I need shoes next week. A little Chianti? Can't have spaghetti marinaro without a little vino.
Paula McFadden: Not on my budget.
Elliot Garfield: Hey, hey, no. I'll blow for the booze, eh? Short of stature but not tight of pocket.
Liquor Store Salesman: Can I help you?
Elliot Garfield: Yes. A bottle of your finest, cheap Chianti, please.
Liquor Store Salesman: I've got a nice California red for a dollar eighty.
Elliot Garfield: Dollar eighty. Nothing from Kansas?
Liquor Store Salesman: Comedian. Seriously. This is a good wine.
Elliot Garfield: Okay. It goes good with spaghetti, right?
Liquor Store Salesman: Perfect with spaghetti.
Paula McFadden: I thought you didn't put un-natural things in your body?
Elliot Garfield: I didn't... I put it into Richard's... I'm trying to kill the son of a bitch!
Paula McFadden: Be tactful.
Lucy McFadden: What's that?
Paula McFadden: Lie!
Paula McFadden: You have homework to do.
Lucy McFadden: We're moving in four days. Do I have to do homework?
Paula McFadden: Suppose between now and Friday they teach brain surgery. I wouldn't want you to miss it.
Lucy McFadden: [in an exasperated tone] Mother! We had it last week. Science.
Paula McFadden: Are you serious?
Lucy McFadden: Dumb! You know you're dumb.
Paula McFadden: [laughing] Well, I thought maybe in frog dissection. What do I know?
Paula McFadden: [angrily] Good night.
Lucy McFadden: What, no kiss?
Paula McFadden: [punching her pillow] I'm angry. I don't want to lose it.
Ronnie Burns: I thought you gave all of this up.
Paula McFadden: I did. I just picked the wrong one to give it up for.
Elliot Garfield: Enter, sweet Anne.
Rhonda Fontana: [as she enters] Do you live alone?
Elliot Garfield: Yeah! Unfortunately the other people that live here also live alone.
Lucy McFadden: You know what Cynthia Fine said?
Paula McFadden: Who is Cynthia Fine?
Lucy McFadden: The girl in my class with the braces and the big chest. Anyway, Elliot picked me up from school today, and Cynthia says he's got charisma. I looked it up, and he does.
Paula McFadden: All right, cut it out.
Lucy McFadden: Cut what out?
Paula McFadden: Stop trying to make something between us.
Lucy McFadden: Me? Cynthia Fine s...
Paula McFadden: Cynthia Fine, my behind. Stop pushing me.
Lucy McFadden: Who's pushing?
Paula McFadden: You are. Your fingerprints are all over my back. He's OK, all right? Once in a while, he even acts like a regular human being. But stop pushing me, because that man is not my type.
[Lucy mutters something under her breath]
Paula McFadden: I heard that. What did you say?
Lucy McFadden: If you heard, why are you asking?
Paula McFadden: [sternly] What did you say?
Lucy McFadden: I said, "your type never hangs around long enough to stay your type".
Paula McFadden: That is a rotten thing to say.
Lucy McFadden: [matter of factly] I know. I just felt like saying it.
Paula McFadden: Jesus. Sometimes I can be so goddamn furious with you.
[Paula squirts Lucy with a bottle of cream]
Lucy McFadden: [yelling] That was a stinking thing to do!
Paula McFadden: Are we going to sleep with each other tonight?
Elliot Garfield: [laughing] You know, of all the right up front girls I know, you are the right up frontest. How do you feel about it?
Paula McFadden: Nervous. A pushover, but nervous.
Elliot Garfield: You know what's a nice feeling? To hear real people applauding. I took the names and addresses of everyone in the audience. I think we should have them over for dinner real soon.
Paula McFadden: I'm redecorating. What color should we paint the bedroom?
Elliot Garfield: Successful.
Oliver Fry: [introducing himself] Hello. Oliver Fry.
Elliot Garfield: Oliver Fry the director?
Oliver Fry: Yes, I believe so.
Elliot Garfield: [excitedly] It's nice to meet you. Oliver Fry, what'd you know! Would you like to come in? Here, uh... Yeah, come on in. Hi!
Gretchen: Pleased to meet you.
Oliver Fry: Well...
Elliot Garfield: [flustered] Hi, it's very nice to...
Oliver Fry: We won't keep you. There was just one question that I wanted to ask. Would you be interested in a movie?
Elliot Garfield: You mean making one?
Oliver Fry: Or we could go to one, but I think working is much more fun.
Elliot Garfield: Jesus, I am so scared. I've spent twenty years building up my ego, and when I really need it, it locks itself in the john.
Paula McFadden: It'll come back to you, trust me.
Elliot Garfield: Oh, Goddamn 'em to hell. I hate those guys that walked out of here. I hate them. I'm the only one that's coming back, and I'm getting all the blame.
Elliot Garfield: [Drunkenly reading out loud a review of his performance as Richard III] The 'Times' writes: Elliot Garfield researched Richard the Third, and discovered him... to be England's first badly dressed interior decorator!