Burt: Seven of my guys are going to be off today 'cause it's a Jewish holiday and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs. What really gets me is that I don't think they're all Jewish... two of them are black and one's an Indian.
Jodie Dallas: Plato was gay.
Jessica Gatling Tate: Mickey Mouse's dog was gay?
Jodie Dallas: Goofy was his lover.
[after describing the often confusing plot line from the previous epsiode at the top of every show]
Announcer: Confused? You won't be after this episode of "Soap"!
Corinne Tate Flotsky: I'm moving in with Peter Campbell... who's also having an affair with mother.
Eunice Tate: Come on, Corinne you're not allowed to lie.
Corinne Tate Flotsky: It's the truth.
Eunice Tate: Mother? Our mother? The mother downstairs? Jessica? The redhead?
Corinne Tate Flotsky: That's the one.
Eunice Tate: I can't believe it. I mean it took me twenty years to believe she did it with daddy.
Danny: Women can't be gay. Because if men were gay and women were gay they'd cancel each other out.
[Approaching Eunice to be a character witness at Jessica's murder trial]
Mallu: Do you have any secrets.
Eunice Tate: No.
Benson: Wanna bet?
Eunice Tate: No one knows.
Benson: I know.
Eunice Tate: You're the only one who knows.
Benson: Well if I know you never know who else knows.
Eunice Tate: You're right. I can't testify.
Mallu: I know!
Saul: I'm 4064 years old. What do you think I owe it to, a terrific moisturizer?
Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: I have one son who's about to become my daughter, another son whom people are trying to kill, I have a lunatic stepson and a dummy living in my home and a husband who won't make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!
[Burt, Danny and Jodie trying get a couch through a door]
Danny: Ah, leave it. It's probably swollen.
Jodie Dallas: Danny, this is a couch not a foot.
Danny: Same principle.
[in a sex therapist's office]
Dr Medlow: What seems to be the problem?
Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: Burt can't have sex with me.
Burt: Great. Why don't you tell the whole world, Mary. Or better yet put it in the Yellow Pages under Burt.
[on trying to establish alibi's for Peter's murder]
Chief Tinkler: Where were you between midnight and 7am?
Chuck: I was with Bob here.
Bob: Yes he was I can vouch for him.
Chief Tinkler: O.K. I can cross you off my list... wait a minute suspect number ten.
Bob: And eleven?
Chief Tinkler: And eleven.
Mary Campbell: You mean, you're in love with a hooker you haven't even... hooked?
Danny: You'd love Gwen. Everybody does.
Mary Campbell: That's the problem!
Burt: [about the alien who will be impersonating him] Is he - is he gonna sleep with my wife?
Chief Alien Creature: Why do you think he's jumping up and down? He has not had sex for two thousand years!
Burt: [Burt has been kidnapped by space aliens, and informed that one of them is going to be sent down to live in his house] He's not gonna, uh... umm... uh...
Space Alien: Sleep with your wife? Of course! Why do you think he's jumping up and down? He has not had sex for 2,000 years.
Announcer: This is the story of two sisters. Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap.
[soon the whole family tries to stop Burt and Chester from fighting]
Jessica Gatling Tate: Billy go get mother... something...
Billy Tate: Why can't anybody in this family talk in front of me? For years I went around thinking a surprise party was being planned for me!
[Jessica and Mary thumbing through a photo album]
Jessica Gatling Tate: Look, Mary.
Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: Randolph.
Jessica Gatling Tate: That's right. Our brother. Our brother who fathered an illegitimate child with a Swedish maid and then disappeared into the wilds of Ecuador. Don't you find that a little peculiar?
Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: Jessie, Randolph was peculiar. Any man who would go to Ecuador to sell wall-to-wall carpet is not all there.
[Jessica telling off the devil]
Jessica Gatling Tate: I hope you realise I'm holding you personally responsible for any and all damages done to these premises! (To chester) Except of course for the spoon that got caught in the garbage disposal. I don't think I can blame him for that.
The Godfather: [after Danny has left] Just wait until he finds out who killed his father.
Leslie Walker: You're 18. You're a man. I am no longer bound by any legal or moral code. I can safely give you your present, and tonight, I'm gonna light up every candle on your cake.
Billy Tate: I'd better start thinking of a wish.
Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: [at the sex therapist's office] This is a perfectly normal office.
Burt: Normal, huh? Take a look at some of these books: "Sexual Perversion: Fact or Fiction" Normal? "Sexuality in Infancy" Oh, I like that one a lot. "The Frigid Woman", "The Impotent Male" - I have to get out of here.