[
after Clouseau accidentally reduces a piano to a pile of splinters]
Mrs. Leverlilly:
You've ruined that piano!
Clouseau:
What is the price of one piano compared to the terrible crime that's been committed here?
Mrs. Leverlilly:
But that's a priceless Steinway!
Clouseau:
Not anymore!
Francois:
Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?
Clouseau:
The exploding kind.
[
Suddenly the American football game is interrupted just before the end by Charles Dreyfus' transmission]
The President:
Call the FBI, the CIA and the Pentagon. Find out who won that game!
Clouseau:
Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk:
No.
Clouseau:
[
bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[
Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Clouseau:
I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk:
That is not my dog.
[
last lines]
Clouseau:
Cato! You imbecile, not now Cato!
[
Refering to the aftermath of the Doomsday device]
Dreyfus:
What do you suppose they will call the crater, huh? The Dreyfus Ditch?
Dr. Fassbender:
There shall be no crater.
Dreyfus:
No crater? But I want a crater! I want wreckage, twisted metal. Something the world will not forget!
Dr. Fassbender:
They won't forget today.
Dreyfus:
They won't? Wonderful. I have to tinkle again. Don't do anything till I get back.
Clouseau:
There is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.
Mrs. Japonica:
Murder?
Clouseau:
What was that you said?
Mrs. Japonica:
I said "murder".
Clouseau:
What murder?
Mrs. Japonica:
I-I-I don't know, y-you said "murder".
Clouseau:
I said murder? *You* said murder!
Mrs. Japonica:
No, I said murder because *You* said murder.
Clouseau:
*I* said murder?
Mr. Shork:
You said there is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.
Clouseau:
[
on the phone] Hello?... Yes. There is a beautiful woman in my bed, and a dead man in my bath.
Clouseau:
[
after knocking Cato unconscious, goes to answer the phone] Relax. I'll get it.
Clouseau:
Now then, what do we know? One, that Professor Fassbinder and his daughter have been kidnapped. Two, that someone has kidnapped them. Three, that my hand is on fire.
[
Clouseau has dressed himself as a local doctor/dentist in order to gain access to the gothic castle that is Dreyfus' headquarters; he is now examining Dreyfus for a bad tooth, but accidentally puts his thumb in Dreyfus' eye instead]
Dreyfus:
OW! My eye!
Clouseau:
Your eye? I thought it was your tooth.
Dreyfus:
Hmm? It IS my tooth!
Clouseau:
I wish you'd make your mind up; I don't normally make castle-calls in the middle of the night yeu kneuw!
[
Clouseau is walking through a pitch-black room with a match in his hand; calling out]
Clouseau:
Is there anybody hiding there in the dark?
Clouseau:
[
chatting with Scotland Yard about sniffing out Dreyfus, who now has Europe's most infamous hitmen working for him] Of course it won't be easy; nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.
Clouseau:
Good evening commissioner. How are you, how is madame and all the little Commissioners?
Bar Patron:
Something wrong, Ainsley?
Ainsley Jarvis:
No of course not, Bruno. The Inspector here was just warning me that I had to watch my step. You see, back in France, he's known as King of the Tango.
Clouseau:
[
shocked] Tango?
Ainsley Jarvis:
Oh, I'd love to.
Clouseau:
[
after listening to Dreyfus singing "Over the Rainbow" at the insane asylum] I'm afraid today is just not your day, my friend.
Dreyfus:
[
quickly stands up] Oh, but it is! It is, my "friend" after three, long terrible years it is AT LAST my day! I will not permite, "repeat," not permit anything...”repeat" anything to spoil it. Now, I will walk you to the gate, to the car which should rightfully be mine. And then I will kiss you goodbye!
[
kisses Clouseau's cheeks]
Dreyfus:
And then I will have my meeting with the sanitary commision where I will set free! And then...
[
gets hit in the head with an arrow and turns to Clouseau]
Dreyfus:
I will kill you!
[
starts choking him]
Clouseau:
[
running away] Francois! Start the car!
Dreyfus:
[
chasing close behind] KILL YOU! KILL YOU!
Clouseau:
You're the cook?
Mr. Shork:
No, I'm the gardener!
Clouseau:
Ah, now we're getting somewhere!
[
points to the beekeeper]
Clouseau:
You!
Dreyfus:
Every day and in every way, I am getting better, and better.
Dreyfus:
Now this is my plan. Step number one: I will recruit the world's greatest criminal mind. Step number two: I will build an organization so sinister, so powerful, that by comparison La Cosa Nostra will seem like the Vienna Boys' Choir!
Clouseau:
You have received a beump on the head.
Dreyfus:
Beump?
Clouseau:
What?
Dreyfus:
You said beump.
Clouseau:
Yes, I know that. It is a large beump. You could receive the concussion from such a beump.
Clouseau:
Allow me to assist you.
Dreyfus:
No! I'm fine. Never better. Just a little... a little shaky. Probably the shock of... I mean, the surprise of seeing you here again today.
Clouseau:
Mark my words, François. Sinister forces are at work.
Clouseau:
Well now, I expect you're all wondering why I asked you here
[
steps on Mrs. Japonica's foot. She screams]
Clouseau:
Look, there is no need for you to speak unless I ask you a question. What is your name?
Mr. Shork:
I'm Shork, the gardener.
Clouseau:
What is it you do?
Mr. Shork:
I'm the gardener.
Clouseau:
Then why didn't you say that to me in the first place?
Mr. Shork:
I did.
Clouseau:
Don't try to be funny with me, monsieur!
Clouseau:
This is a very serious matter, and everyone is this reum is under the suspicions.
Cook:
Reum?
Clouseau:
What was that?
Cook:
You said 'reum'?
Clouseau:
Yes, I know that!
Clouseau:
A beekeeper who has lost his voice, a cook who thinks he's a gardiner, and a witness to a murder. Oh, yes. It is obvious to my trained eye, that there is much more going on here than meets the ear.
Margo Fassbender:
What are you going to do?
Dreyfus:
Something so very, very painful, so hideous, your father will have no choice but to cooperate.
[
puts on a glove, with very sharp claws attached to the finger sockets, and walks to the blackboard]
Margo Fassbender:
No!
[
Dreyfus nods, and scrapes his clawed glove down the blackbird, making a hideous screeching noise]
Dreyfus:
Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Ignition!
[
fires a laser which disintegrates the United Nations building]
Dreyfus:
Compared to Clouseau, this doomsday machine is just a water pistol.
Clouseau:
Tell me do you have a reum?
Hotel Clerk:
I do not know what a 'reum' is.
Clouseau:
[
looks up the word 'room' in his German dictionary] Zimmer.
Hotel Clerk:
Ah, a 'room'.
Clouseau:
That is what I have been saying, you idiot. Reum. Zimmer.
Clouseau:
[
disguised as Dr. Schirtz] Hello... It's Dr. Schirtz from the village, you know.
Dreyfus:
He has pulled the wrong tooth! There's only one man who would pull the wrong tooth. It's Clouseau! Kill him! Kill him!
Olga Bariosova:
Do you think you could fall in love with an ex-Russian agent?
Clouseau:
I was known as the Pavlova of the parallels. Oh, yes.
[
starts swinging on the parallel bars]
Clouseau:
Yes, it's all coming back now.
[
sings]
Clouseau:
Ah yes, I remember it...
[
loses grip and falls down the stairs]
Clouseau:
Aagh! Well, that felt good.
Clouseau:
Are you alright, former chief inspector?
Quinlan:
You'll need help.
Clouseau:
I prefer to do this alone.
Quinlan:
Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect, he probably has an army behind him.
Clouseau:
No, of course it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.
Related Links
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