Quotes

Francois: Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?

Clouseau: The exploding kind.

Clouseau: Does your dog bite?

Hotel Clerk: No.

Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.

[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]

Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!

Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.

[Refering to the aftermath of the Doomsday device]

Dreyfus: What do you suppose they will call the crater, huh? The Dreyfus Ditch?

Dr. Fassbender: There shall be no crater.

Dreyfus: No crater? But I want a crater! I want wreckage, twisted metal. Something the world will not forget!

Dr. Fassbender: They won't forget today.

Dreyfus: They won't? Wonderful. I have to tinkle again. Don't do anything till I get back.

Clouseau: [on the phone] Hello?... Yes. There is a beautiful woman in my bed, and a dead man in my bath.

Clouseau: Now then, what do we know? One, that Professor Fassbinder and his daughter have been kidnapped. Two, that someone has kidnapped them. Three, that my hand is on fire.

[Clouseau is walking through a pitch-black room with a match in his hand; calling out]

Clouseau: Is there anybody hiding there in the dark?

Clouseau: Good evening commissioner. How are you, how is madame and all the little Commissioners?

Clouseau: [after listening to Dreyfus singing "Over the Rainbow" at the insane asylum] I'm afraid today is just not your day, my friend.

Dreyfus: [quickly stands up] Oh, but it is! It is, my "friend" after three, long terrible years it is AT LAST my day! I will not permite, "repeat," not permit anything..."repeat" anything to spoil it. Now, I will walk you to the gate, to the car which should rightfully be mine. And then I will kiss you goodbye!

[kisses Clouseau's cheeks]

Dreyfus: And then I will have my meeting with the sanitary commision where I will set free! And then...

[gets hit in the head with an arrow and turns to Clouseau]

Dreyfus: I will kill you!

[starts choking him]

Clouseau: [running away] Francois! Start the car!

Dreyfus: [chasing close behind] KILL YOU! KILL YOU!

Dreyfus: Every day and in every way, I am getting better, and better.

Clouseau: You have received a beump on the head.

Dreyfus: Beump?

Clouseau: What?

Dreyfus: You said beump.

Clouseau: Yes, I know that. It is a large beump. You could receive the concussion from such a beump.

Clouseau: Mark my words, François. Sinister forces are at work.

Clouseau: Look, there is no need for you to speak unless I ask you a question. What is your name?

Mr. Shork: I'm Shork, the gardener.

Clouseau: What is it you do?

Mr. Shork: I'm the gardener.

Clouseau: Then why didn't you say that to me in the first place?

Mr. Shork: I did.

Clouseau: Don't try to be funny with me, monsieur!

Clouseau: A beekeeper who has lost his voice, a cook who thinks he's a gardiner, and a witness to a murder. Oh, yes. It is obvious to my trained eye, that there is much more going on here than meets the ear.

Dreyfus: Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Ignition!

[fires a laser which disintegrates the United Nations building]

Clouseau: Tell me do you have a reum?

Hotel Clerk: I do not know what a 'reum' is.

Clouseau: [looks up the word 'room' in his German dictionary] Zimmer.

Hotel Clerk: Ah, a 'room'.

Clouseau: That is what I have been saying, you idiot. Reum. Zimmer.

Dreyfus: He has pulled the wrong tooth! There's only one man who would pull the wrong tooth. It's Clouseau! Kill him! Kill him!

Clouseau: I was known as the Pavlova of the parallels. Oh, yes.

[starts swinging on the parallel bars]

Clouseau: Yes, it's all coming back now.

[sings]

Clouseau: Ah yes, I remember it...

[loses grip and falls down the stairs]

Clouseau: Aagh! Well, that felt good.

Quinlan: You'll need help.

Clouseau: I prefer to do this alone.

Quinlan: Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect, he probably has an army behind him.

Clouseau: No, of course it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.

Marty the Mugger: You have several of the world's greatest criminal minds right here, in this very room.

Bruce the Knife: Yeah, why don't we take care of it ourselves?

Dreyfus: Because you wouldn't stand a chance.

[Crims murmur disbelief]

Dreyfus: You don't know Clouseau.

Tournier (a.k.a. Tony the bank robber): He can't be that good.

Dreyfus: Good? Ha, he's not good, he's terrible; he's the worst. There's not another man like him anywhere in the world. Compared to Clouseau this doomsday machine, it's just a mere water pistol.