Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.
[after Clouseau accidentally reduces a piano to a pile of splinters]
Mrs. Leverlilly: You've ruined that piano!
Clouseau: What is the price of one piano compared to the terrible crime that's been committed here?
Mrs. Leverlilly: But that's a priceless Steinway!
Clouseau: Not anymore!
[Suddenly the American football game is interrupted just before the end by Charles Dreyfus' transmission]
The President: Call the FBI, the CIA and the Pentagon. Find out who won that game!
Clouseau: Now then, what do we know? One, that Professor Fassbinder and his daughter have been kidnapped. Two, that someone has kidnapped them. Three, that my hand is on fire.
[Clouseau has dressed himself as a local doctor/dentist in order to gain access to the gothic castle that is Dreyfus' headquarters; he is now examining Dreyfus for a bad tooth, but accidentally puts his thumb in Dreyfus' eye instead]
Dreyfus: OW! My eye!
Clouseau: Your eye? I thought it was your tooth.
Dreyfus: Hmm? It IS my tooth!
Clouseau: I wish you'd make your mind up; I don't normally make castle-calls in the middle of the night yeu kneuw!
Clouseau: Good evening commissioner. How are you, how is madame and all the little Commissioners?
Dreyfus: Now this is my plan. Step number one: I will recruit the world's greatest criminal mind. Step number two: I will build an organization so sinister, so powerful, that by comparison La Cosa Nostra will seem like the Vienna Boys' Choir!
Clouseau: Look, there is no need for you to speak unless I ask you a question. What is your name?
Mr. Shork: I'm Shork, the gardener.
Clouseau: What is it you do?
Mr. Shork: I'm the gardener.
Clouseau: Then why didn't you say that to me in the first place?
Mr. Shork: I did.
Clouseau: Don't try to be funny with me, monsieur!
Clouseau: A beekeeper who has lost his voice, a cook who thinks he's a gardener, and a witness to a murder.
Clouseau: Tell me do you have a reum?
Hotel Clerk: I do not know what a 'reum' is.
Clouseau: [looks up the word 'room' in his German dictionary] Zimmer.
Hotel Clerk: Ah, a 'room'.
Clouseau: That is what I have been saying, you idiot. Reum. Zimmer.
Clouseau: I was known as the Pavlova of the parallels. Oh, yes.
[starts swinging on the parallel bars]
Clouseau: Yes, it's all coming back now.
Clouseau: Ah yes, I remember it...
[loses grip and falls down the stairs]
Clouseau: Aagh! Well, that felt good.
[Refering to the aftermath of the Doomsday device]
Dreyfus: What do you suppose they will call the crater, huh? The Dreyfus Ditch?
Dr. Fassbender: There shall be no crater.
Dreyfus: No crater? But I want a crater! I want wreckage, twisted metal. Something the world will not forget!
Dr. Fassbender: They won't forget today.
Dreyfus: They won't? Wonderful. I have to tinkle again. Don't do anything till I get back.
Clouseau: There is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.
Mrs. Japonica: Murder?
Clouseau: What was that you said?
Mrs. Japonica: I said "murder".
Clouseau: What murder?
Mrs. Japonica: I-I-I don't know, y-you said "murder".
Clouseau: I said murder? *You* said murder!
Mrs. Japonica: No, I said murder because *You* said murder.
Clouseau: *I* said murder?
Mr. Shork: You said there is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.
Clouseau: [on the phone] Hello?... Yes. There is a beautiful woman in my bed, and a dead man in my bath.
Clouseau: [after knocking Cato unconscious, goes to answer the phone] Relax. I'll get it.
[Clouseau is walking through a pitch-black room with a match in his hand; calling out]
Clouseau: Is there anybody hiding there in the dark?
Clouseau: [chatting with Scotland Yard about sniffing out Dreyfus, who now has Europe's most infamous hitmen working for him] Of course it won't be easy; nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.
Bar Patron: Something wrong, Ainsley?
Ainsley Jarvis: No of course not, Bruno. The Inspector here was just warning me that I had to watch my step. You see, back in France, he's known as King of the Tango.
Clouseau: [shocked] Tango?
Ainsley Jarvis: Oh, I'd love to.
Clouseau: [after Dreyfus is knocked into the river for a second and third time and Clouseau thinks he is trying to hide that he's upset] I'm afraid today is just not your day, my friend.
Dreyfus: [quickly stands up] Oh, but it is! It is, my "friend" after three, long terrible years it is AT LAST my day! I will not permite, "repeat," not permit anything..."repeat" anything to spoil it. Now, I will walk you to the gate, to the car which should rightfully be mine. And then I will kiss you goodbye!
[kisses Clouseau's cheeks]
Dreyfus: And then I will have my meeting with the sanitary commision where I will set free! And then...
[gets hit in the head with an arrow and turns to Clouseau]
Dreyfus: I will kill you!
[starts choking him]
Clouseau: [running away] Francois! Start the car!
Dreyfus: [chasing close behind] KILL YOU! KILL YOU!
Clouseau: What did you say your name was?
Mr. Shork: Shork.
Clouseau: The cook!
Mr. Shork: Gardener.
Clouseau: Ah, now we're getting somewhere!
[points to the beekeeper]
Dreyfus: Every day and in every way, I am getting better, and better.
Clouseau: You have received a beump on the head.
Dreyfus: You said beump.
Clouseau: Yes, I know that. It is a large beump. You could receive the concussion from such a beump.
Clouseau: Allow me to assist you.
Dreyfus: No! I'm fine. Never better. Just a little... a little shaky. Probably the shock of... I mean, the surprise of seeing you here again today.
Clouseau: Well now, I expect you're all wondering why I asked you here
[steps on Mrs. Japonica's foot. She screams]
Clouseau: This is a very serious matter, and everyone is this reum is under the suspicions.
Clouseau: What was that?
Cook: You said 'reum'?
Clouseau: Yes, I know that!
Margo Fassbender: What are you going to do?
Dreyfus: Something so very, very painful, so hideous, your father will have no choice but to cooperate.
[puts on a glove, with very sharp claws attached to the finger sockets, and walks to the blackboard]
Margo Fassbender: No!
[Dreyfus nods, and scrapes his clawed glove down the blackbird, making a hideous screeching noise]
Dreyfus: Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Ignition!
[fires a laser which disintegrates the United Nations building]
Dreyfus: Compared to Clouseau, this doomsday machine is just a water pistol.
Clouseau: [disguised as Dr. Schirtz] Hello... It's Dr. Schirtz from the village, you know.
Dreyfus: He has pulled the wrong tooth! There's only one man who would pull the wrong tooth. It's Clouseau! Kill him! Kill him!
Olga Bariosova: Do you think you could fall in love with an ex-Russian agent?
Quinlan: You'll need help.
Clouseau: I prefer to do this alone.
Quinlan: Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect, he probably has an army behind him.
Clouseau: No, of course it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.
Marty the Mugger: You have several of the world's greatest criminal minds right here, in this very room.
Bruce the Knife: Yeah, why don't we take care of it ourselves?
Dreyfus: Because you wouldn't stand a chance.
[Crims murmur disbelief]
Dreyfus: You don't know Clouseau.
Tournier (a.k.a. Tony the bank robber): He can't be that good.
Dreyfus: Good? Ha, he's not good, he's terrible; he's the worst. There's not another man like him anywhere in the world. Compared to Clouseau this doomsday machine, it's just a mere water pistol.
[Exits a closet after mistaking it for the door out of the room]
Clouseau: Most ingenious. The old closet ploy. I really must congratulate you. If there's one thing I do enjoy, it's a good closet ploy.