Lady in the Radiator: [singing] In Heaven, everything is fine. In Heaven, everything is fine. You've got your good things. And I've got mine.
Mrs. X: Henry, may I speak to you a minute? Over here. Did you and Mary have sexual intercourse?
Henry Spencer: [stammering] Why?
Mrs. X: Did you?
Henry Spencer: Why are you asking me this question?
Mrs. X: I have a very good reason, and now I want you to tell me.
Henry Spencer: I'm, I'm very... I love Mary!
Mrs. X: [interrupting] Henry, I asked you if you and Mary had sexual intercourse!
Henry Spencer: Well, I don't... I don't think that's any of your business!
Mrs. X: [interrupting] Henry!
Henry Spencer: I'm sorry.
Mrs. X: You're in very bad trouble if you won't cooperate...
[nuzzling at his neck]
Henry Spencer: Well, I...
Henry Spencer: Mary!
Mary X: [grabbing her away] Mother!
Mrs. X: Answer me!
Henry Spencer: I'm too nervous.
Mrs. X: There's a baby. It's at the hospital.
Mary X: Mom!
Mrs. X: And you're the father.
Henry Spencer: Well, well that's impossible! It's only been...
Mary X: Mother, they're still not sure it is a baby!
Beautiful Girl Across the Hall: Are you Henry?
Henry Spencer: Yes?
Beautiful Girl Across the Hall: A girl named "Mary" called on the payphone in the hallway about an hour ago. She said that she's at her parents and that you're invited to dinner.
Henry Spencer: Oh, yeah?
[after a long pause]
Henry Spencer: Well... thank you very much.
[Henry enters his apartment, while the girl slowly closes the door to hers]
Mr. X: Mary usually does the carving but tonight since you are our guest, you could do it, Henry.
Henry Spencer: Of course. I'd be glad to. So I just, uh... I just cut them up like regular chickens?
Mr. X: Sure, just cut them up like regular chickens.
Beautiful Girl Across the Hall: I locked myself out of my apartment...
Beautiful Girl Across the Hall: ... and it's so late.
Mr. X: I thought I heard a stranger. We've got chicken tonight. Strangest damn things. They're man made. Little damn things. Smaller than my fist. But they're new. Hi, I'm Bill.
Henry Spencer: Hello there. I'm Henry.
Mrs. X: Henry works at LaPelle's Factory.
Mr. X: Oh. Printing's your business? Plumbing's mine. For 30 years now. I've watched this neighborhood change from pastures to the hell-hole it is now!
Mary X: Dad!
Mrs. X: Bill!
Mr. X: I put every damn pipe in this neighborhood. People think that pipes grow in their homes. But they sure as hell don't! Look at my knees! Look at my knees!
[the Baby is going into violent convultions and has broken out in spots]
Henry Spencer: Oh! You ARE sick!
Mary X: [to the crying baby] Shut up!
[Baby continues to cry]
Mary X: I can't take it anymore! I'm going home!
Henry Spencer: What are you talking about?
Mary X: All I need is a decent night's sleep!
Henry Spencer: Why don't you just stay home...
Mary X: I'll do what I want! And you better take good care of things while I'm gone!
Mrs. X: It's Henry isn't it? Mary tells me you're a very nice fellow. What do you do?
Henry Spencer: Oh, I'm on vacation.
Mrs. X: What did you do?
Mr. X: The girls have heard this before but... 14 years ago I had an operation on my left arm here. The doctors said that I wouldn't be able to ever use it. But what the hell do they know, I said. So I rubbed it for a half-hour every day. And slowly I could move it a little, and use it to turn a faucet... and pretty soon I had my arm back again. And now, I can't feel a damn thing in it. All numb! I'm afraid to cut it, you know?