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Jeremy Lunt <email@example.com>
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No talent, no direction, no rehearsing, no editing, no kidding
How does one even begin to describe a movie this awful? I'd first seen Curse of Bigfoot one Saturday afternoon way back in the late 70's with some of my brothers and friends . Even as a dopey teenager I realized that this movie was somehow VERY different than all the other "Godzilla" and "Creature Feature" movies we would make fun of and add our own dialogue to (yes, we WERE Mystery Science Theater 3000 before it ever existed). It was just SO HORRIBLY bad that it actually left an impression on you.......like a Mack truck does when it runs over your face. I did a Google search and couldn't believe I could now own this wretched movie.
I sat down with my wife (whom I excitedly told over and over again how bad/ funny this movie was) and for the first time in more than 25 years "experienced" Curse of Bigfoot. Just as I remembered, it was the most boring piece of garbage ever put on film.
First of all, imagine a film where they don't hire an editor. It seems that EVERY piece of film shot for this movie (including outtakes, flubs, and any other time the camera might have been accidentally left in the "on" position) was stitched together, in sequential order or not."Don't worry Jimmy if you have a temporary case of dyslexia with that line, just keep going. We'll use it somewhere in the picture!" Obviously the director thought (in his own mind, sadly) that he was creating SUCH an "every frame could be a postcard" cinematic achievement that he didn't want to see any valuable frames left on the cutting room floor. Everything moves at a super slow motion speed, also. The few motor vehicles shown NEVER go more than 5 mph. I think the gear boxes were ripped out the night before just so it would be impossible to go faster than "idle".....and to not give any of the "amateur hour" actors a means of escape off the set of this ticking time bomb of boredom.
Now imagine an entire cast, and no doubt crew, who look like they don't even want to have anything to do with this film. Almost as if being there were the raw end of a losing wager, or maybe the final humiliating prank before joining a fraternity. The acting (more like "bad cue card reading") is also a thing of beauty. "Method" acting? Try Methadone acting. No emotion, no feeling, and barely any eye contact. It seems as if everyone just wants to say their lines like a robot and get the heck home.
And being a serious amateur photographer myself, let me tell you about the fine cinematography. They probably had only a week to shoot this entire movie (before word got out to the authorities / film reviewers/ investors about how REALLY awful this disaster was turning out ) so there are plenty of "let's squeeze every ounce out of daylight we can and just keep shooting no matter what" type scenes scattered all over this thing, including those super cheap "let's shoot this night scene in broad daylight and just add a dark blue filter over the lens to fool our way less sophisticated than us audience into thinking it's really dark" visual tricks. It's a miracle anyone actually remembered to take their sunglasses off. And how many shots of looking up at the top of trees, or slowly panning through bushes (trying to maybe remotely cause some accidental suspense) can one movie have!?! If these scenes alone were cut the movie would probably be only 15 or 20 minutes long.
The background music, or whatever that sound is keeping you awake through this exercise of unending visual and mental torture, has all the rhythm and snappy beat of a machine gun firing at close range over your head. It's about as memorable as verses 62 and 61 of "99 Bottles of Beer".
You're probably wondering if there are any Special Effects in Curse of Bigfoot. If using someone else's stock footage of 45 or so logs rolling into the water, one after the other, after the other, after the other, after the other, is what you call "special" then march right into the boss's office and demand a raise because this IS your lucky day! And how about earth moving vehicles? Have you waited all your life to see a Bigfoot movie with earth moving vehicles in it!? Pinch yourself......hard, because you're NOT dreaming. Watch them going into a ravine about 10 or 20 stories deep. Maybe it's a mass grave for all those who had anything to do with this film (including all original negatives and prints).It's at about this point in the film that the normal person would start cursing up a blue streak, wanting to know exactly what the heck they're supposed to be watching. Maybe this is where the "Curse" in Curse of Bigfoot comes from. Maybe the original title was simply "Bigfoot".
And what about the actual bigfoot itself? Imagine a drunken homeless guy sprawling around from scene to scene, dressed in an old Halloween paper mache mask looking for a handout. Tape on some of grandma's old wigs to a hockey mask, plop in a ping pong ball in one of the eye sockets for a "creepy" bulging eye, spray paint everything sorta black and red, and you have one the most embarrassing attempts at horror since the Kerry-Edwards ticket.
A movie like this is so fascinating to watch because it dawns on you (in those rare fleeting moments of lucidity) that someone thought they were actually making a GOOD movie. One that people might want to tell everyone they knew to go see, and maybe see over and over again. This IS one of those movies, but sadly not for the reasons they'd hoped for.
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