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Carry on England (1976) Poster

Quotes

[Melly has just swallowed a button from Pvt. Easy's jacket]

Pvt. Easy: Oh, I do hope you're regular, Sir!

Capt. S. Melly: Regular? I've been regular for 18 years!

Pvt. Easy: Oh, good. That means I can have it back tomorrow, then.

Capt. S. Melly: You'll have it back when I'm good and ready.

Pvt. Easy: That's all right, Sir. No need to strain yourself!

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[Sgt Tilly Willing sees Melly for the first time]

Sgt. Tilly Willing: Two inches shorter, he could see right up my skirt!

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[on arrival at the mixed battery]

Capt. S. Melly: Corporal!

Capt. S. Melly: That man, he's wearing lipstick!

Melly's driver: Lipstick sir?

Capt. S. Melly: Yes.

Melly's driver: Where?

Capt. S. Melly: On his face! Where do you think!

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[welcoming Capt S. Melly]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Welcome to 1313 anti-aircraft battery Sir!

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Capt. S. Melly: You up there! What's your name?

Bombardier Ready: Ready, sir.

Capt. S. Melly: Ready? Ready... Willing... Able... This is ridiculous.

[Ready twitches]

Capt. S. Melly: What are you doing?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Twitching, Sir!

Capt. S. Melly: I can see that Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching?

Bombardier Ready: It's me nerves, Sir!

Capt. S. Melly: Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the army for the duration. Twitch your way out of that!

[Bombardier Ready keeps twitching]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Twitch off!

[Leans closer]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Wasted on me, boy!

Capt. S. Melly: Good man, and what's your name?

Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse.

[Melly reacts]

Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse, Sir, that's my name!

[Melly moves along the line]

Capt. S. Melly: And what is your name, my man? Er... woman.

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, Sir, the Sharpe with an E and two F's in the Ffoukes. How do you do?

[Pvt Ffoukes crushes Capt S. Melly's hand while shaking it]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [Leaning in] She too is also a ball squeezer, Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe.

[She does so. before grabbing Sgt Maj Bloomer's leg and biting it]

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: [Standing up] Oh, Tiger! I think you wonderful. When are you going to savage me?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: If only you was a man I would sort you out!

Capt. S. Melly: [Pointing to Pvt. Owen's foot] Well, you seem to have put your foot in it!

Gunner Owen: Not so much my foot, Sir, more my big toe.

Capt. S. Melly: What's wrong with your big toe?

Gunner Owen: Sprained it, Sir, didn't I, when I fell out of bed.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Pushed out of bed, more like!

Capt. S. Melly: [Turns to Bloomer] Pushed out of bed, Sgt Maj?

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All Officers: [in unison] And the same to you!

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Capt. S. Melly: Permission to carry on, Sir?

Brigadier: Please do.

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Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: But I couldn't bear it, darling, if you strained something before we'd even... you know.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: I do not know!

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Let me teach you.

[picks up an artillery shell]

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: I find these things awfully exciting, I don't know why.

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Brigadier: Surely in the interest of efficiency, you shouldn't have someone with those

[points at Easy's breasts]

Brigadier: doing that.

[points at the equipment]

Capt. S. Melly: Do you know Sir, you are absolutely right,

Brigadier: Yes, well I do try and keep abreast of things.

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Capt. S. Melly: [calling Gunner Hiscocks] Hiscocks!

Brigadier: I beg your parden?

Capt. S. Melly: Gunner Hiscocks! Replace those...

[points to Easy's breasts]

Capt. S. Melly: ... Her, will you?

[points to Easy]

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Brigadier: Carry on, Sergeant.

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Brigadier: Hardly went off with a bang, eh, Melly?

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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Shall we commence in the Mess, Sir?

Brigadier: We seem to be in it already.

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Capt. S. Melly: I'll show them who's wearing the trousers around here.

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Capt. S. Melly: Have you got it up?

Sgt. Tilly Willing: I beg your pardon?

Capt. S. Melly: The shell, man, the shell.

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Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Silly boy!

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Capt. S. Melly: Quick march!

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Capt. S. Melly: As a result, headquarters have at last agreed to send us that most desirable piece of equipment to have handy at time of war... namely a gun.

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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: I beg your pardon, Sir, but I has found you gets more out of the shower if they're's allowed to wake up sort of gradual like.

Capt. S. Melly: Well from now on, they're going to wake up sort of sudden like.

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Brigadier: Got yourself in a bit of a hole there, Melly?

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Sgt. Len Able: It's the real thing, Sergeant Major?

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[hysterical laughter]

Capt. S. Melly: What are you laughing at?

Pvt. Murray: Well, I'm happy Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: Happy? What, here?

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Sgt. Len Able: What am I supposed to do with this? Eat it or rub it in?

Cpl. Cook: You can bounce it off the ceiling for all I care.

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[Capt. Melly gets a rubbish bin stuck on his backside]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Permission to un-numb bum, Sir?

Capt. S. Melly: [shouts] Get on with it!

[Bloomer slaps Melly's bum and Melly yells with pain]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Cruel to be kind, Sir. Cruel to be kind.

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[Major Butcher is called in to deal with some friction burns to Capt. S. Melly's bottom]

Maj. Butcher: That's quite a nasty friction burn you have there. What you been doing, eh? Arsing about?

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Capt. S. Melly: Frilly curtains? Basket of flowers? Brasiers?

Melly's driver: Pardon, Sir?

Capt. S. Melly: Knickers!

Melly's driver: Same to you, Sir!

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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: This is one of these new mixed batteries.

Capt. S. Melly: So, that's what the Brigadier meant when he said this battery was an experiment.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Experiment, Sir. One does not need to experiment. They get that right of way, and all the time.

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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Ah yes, Sir. They gives me a headache too.

Capt. S. Melly: It's not a headache. It's the stomach. There's a button in it.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: What you may now call a belly button, Sir.

[laughs]

Capt. S. Melly: Oh, shut up!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: With respect, sir. 20 years I've been a Sergeant Major. Nobody told me to shut up before. I is the person what tells people to shut up, sir. It's one of the most important parts of my...

Capt. S. Melly: Shut up!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Up!

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Sgt. Len Able: I could've sworn someone said 'bang'!

Sgt. Tilly Willing: Oh, Leonard. Ooh, what a lovely idea.

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Capt. S. Melly: What the blue blank blazes is that?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: It's a gun, Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: But it's made of wood.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: It's not a real gun yet, Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: A gun emplacement without a real gun?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: With all respect, Sir. Remember there's a war on. Real guns is hard to come by.

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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Now, grit your teeth and we will have it off in a minute.

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Capt. S. Melly: Are you a ventriloquist?

Bombardier Ready: Oh no. Church of England.

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Maj. Butcher: A drop of calamine will soon get to the bottom of this.

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Capt. S. Melly: Surely you don't mean a bit of the other?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: There's that or the other, Sir. No matter what you call it, they has had it all, all the time. Been in and out of each others quarters like fiddler's elbows.

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Sgt. Tilly Willing: Alice, I don't think I can hold this pose much longer. I'll get a cramp.

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Capt. S. Melly: Attention: All ATS personnel. I'm going to make men of you. As from this moment, skirts will not be worn. Skirts will not be worn.

Sgt. Tilly Willing: Well, that'll be a bit drafty.

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Sgt. Len Able: How you feeling, son?

Bombardier Ready: It's just as though those explosions have reverberated all through my body.

Sgt. Len Able: Well, just so long as your helmets not damaged.

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Capt. S. Melly: I'm going to make a couple of points here. Sergeant Major, when I said "that's all", I didn't mean "that's all", I meant "that's all", that's all.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: That sounds like a lot of all's, Sir.

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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [about their dogs] Yours may be bigger than mine, Sir. But I've been told mines got more bite.

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Sgt. Len Able: Are you coming down my tunnel, or am I coming up yours?

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[Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe has rammed a round into the gun]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Get that thing out of there!

Capt. S. Melly: [Whispering] She rammed it up, it can stay up!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: In that case, gun loaded, Sir!

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[Melly has stormed out after ordering the men to polish the floor of the hut]

Gunner Shorthouse: I know what he wants!

Sgt. Len Able: What does he want?

Gunner Shorthouse: He wants us to polish the floor, Sarge!

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Sgt. Len Able: He's not going to get away with it - making us sweat like that!

Bombardier Ready: What do you mean - *us*?

Sgt. Len Able: All right - He's not going to get away with making *you* sweat like this.

Gunner Shorthouse: But he *is* getting away with it!

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Brigadier: [Indicating the bloomers on the flagpole] Whose flag is that supposed to be? Knicker-ragua?

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Capt. S. Melly: [Melly enters the office, walks up to the desk, and salutes] Captain Melly.

Captain Bull: [Looking up from the whiskey bottle] No, you must have come to the wrong place - my name's Bull!

Capt. S. Melly: No, I'm Melly - S. Melly!

Captain Bull: Pity.

[holds up the bottle]

Captain Bull: Have a drink!

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Capt. S. Melly: [Bull has kissed Melly on the cheek] He actually kissed me!

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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [the anti-aircraft battery experiences its first real air raid] Move yourselves! Move yourselves! Come on, come on! Sixpence for every one you shoot down, two bob if it is a German!

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[scene that was censored by British Board of Film Classification for the use of the word Focke]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Aircraft recognition. These is your new pin-ups. I bet none of you can tell the difference between a couple of Heinkels and a pair of Bristols.

Sgt. Len Able: No, but I can recognise a Focke when I see one.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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