Memorable quotes for
"I, Claudius" (1976) More at IMDbPro »

[on Claudius]
Livia: That child should have been exposed at birth.

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[reciting a poem for the court]
Minester: The golden hair that Gala wears is hers/Who would have thought it?/She swears it's hers, and true she swears/For I know where she bought it!

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[reciting another poem]
Minester: You ask me how my farm can pay/Since little it will bear/It pays me thus: 'Tis far away/And you are never there.

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[to the senate]
Augustus: I called you all here to talk about the level of opposition to my new law against bachelorism. Do you know what I say? I say: "STOP COMPLAINING AND GET MARRIED."

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[On seeing your ex-spouse in secret]
Livia: You saw Julia's mother after your divorce.
Augustus: Yes, but not in secret.
Livia: Well I don't remember being present...

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Augustus: Wait till you see what Marcellus has in store for us. He's got a rhinoceros.
Livia: What on earth is that?
Augustus: A remarkable creature. It has a horn on its nose.
Livia: So has Scipio's wife, he should have used her.

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Augustus: Is there anyone in Rome who has not slept with my daughter?

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Sejanus: I have no need of a trial to prove your guilt.
Gallus: A song sung by every small-town corrupt policeman, which is what you are and what you should have stayed.

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Claudius: Let all the poisons that lurk in the mud hatch out.

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[about Augustus being deified]
Claudius: I believe it was foretold.
Livia: Really. Who foretold it?
Claudius: Jove.
Livia: Jove, eh?
Claudius: A hundred days ago he melted the 'C' off one of Augustus' statues.
Livia: And what does that mean, idiot head?
Claudius: If you strike the letter 'C' from the word 'Caesar,' the word 'aesar' is left. And in Etruscan 'aesar' means 'God'.
Livia: If the gods were going to give us a message, why wouldn't they give it to us in Latin?

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Antonia: [to Claudius] You blockhead.
Herod: No. He's not a blockhead. It's WE who are the blockheads. If Sejanus had come to us with a proposal like that we would have given him his marching orders. But Claudius knows better. Claudius sways and bends with each little wind that blows.
Agrippina: By which you mean he's weak and cowardly.
Herod: Perhaps. But at least he's still here.

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Claudius: Caligula, if you get the chance, you must speak up for them.
Caligula: Of course I shall. For mother, anyway. To tell you the truth, I couldn't give a damn about Drusus and Nero.
Claudius: But they're your brothers.
Caligula: Yes, I know. But then, you don't like Aunt Livilla, and she's your sister. Now, I *love* my sisters, uncle.
Claudius: Yes, I know.

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Livia: No one can talk to you anymore.
Augustus: Anyone can talk to me at any time, except you. You don't talk to people. You bully them.
Livia: This conversation is becoming ridiculous.
Augustus: No, this conversation was ridiculous from the start.

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[Of Claudius's clumsiness]
Tiberius: That grandson of yours could wreck the empire just by strolling through it.

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[Of the senate]
Livia: They won't allow me in because I am a woman, and they won't allow you in because you're a fool. That's strange, when you come to think of it, because it's filled with nothing but old women and fools.

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Sejanus: Sign it.
Gallus: What is it?
Sejanus: A confession.
Gallus: To what?
Sejanus: Your conspiracy with Drusus to subvert the armies of the Rhine. Sign it.
Gallus: You wrote it, you sign it.

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Augustus: Herod, what about a little bet? I'll take the fat one for twenty gold pieces.
Herod: Caesar, it would be against my religion to bet on the life of a man.
Augustus: Oh, really? I would have thought it against your religion to bet on anything.
Herod: Caesar, it's true: Jews love gambling. But we fear our god more.
Augustus: Which one?
Herod: We have only one, Caesar.
Augustus: I've never understood that, it's quite insufficient. Why don't you take some of our gods? You know, plenty of people do.
Herod: Believe me, Caesar, the one we have is hard enough to live with.

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Postumus: [to Augustus] What have you done to me? What have you done to my life? I would have given my life for you, for Rome. You just had to say the word. What have you done?

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[to Augustus]
Postumus: Oh grandfather, open your eyes. Over the years everyone you knew and loved has either died or disappeared. Do you think it was all an accident? My father Agrippa, and before him Marcellus, my brothers Gaius and Lucius, my mother Julia - NOW *ME*.

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Augustus: What is going on here?
Postumus: [indicating Livia] Ask *her*. She knows.
Augustus: I'm asking you.
Livia: He'll incriminate all of us before he's finished.

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[to Postumus]
Augustus: Are you mad?

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[Augustus comes to see Postumus in exile after four years]
Postumus: Well, well, well, what do we have here? *Tourists*? Come to see the animal in his cage? Is the island bare enough for you, father? Does it live up to your expectations of "smallness" or have you found another one *even smaller*?
Augustus: [shocked] How thin you look... How pale...
Postumus: Well, what did you expect? A fat *JOLLY* man full of laughs and jokes?

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Postumus: Well, what do you want? A tour 'round the island? That would take us precisely ten minutes, as you once prophesied it would take me.

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Augustus: Heavens, wound me if you must. I deserve it. You have knife in your hand; I wouldn't blame you if you used it.
[Augustus starts to weep]
Postumus: Oh so it's tears now, is it? I've never known a man cry as easily as you do, father.
Augustus: Tears come easily to me I don't deny it.
Postumus: Well, this is wonderful. You're wonderful. Is it my role now to feel pity for you, to cry for you?
Augustus: I MADE A MISTAKE.
Postumus: A MISTAKE? "I made a mistake", he says, well you sure seem to make a lot of those, don't you father? Mistakes, is that what you call them? You made mistakes and you think a few tears will put them right... Well, BRAVO. Congratulations, you still have tears to shed. But how many do you think you'd have left if it had been you who sat on this rock day in, day out for four solid years, pouring them into the sea? HOW MANY-?
Augustus: OH POSTUMUS.
Postumus: My God, you've come to the wrong place, father, to show you've still tears; even the stones weep here.
[pause]
Postumus: Now you've heard something? Given you pause for thought, made you think perhaps you were a bit to hasty. Is that why you're here? To tell me it was all a mistake? Well DAMN YOU, I don't want to hear it. Leave me alone. Go away and die but leave me alone.

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[Repeated line]
Claudius: Poison is Queen.

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[On Marcellus' death]
Antonia: It's not fair to accuse Livia of things without any proof.
Julia: Why shouldn't I? She accuses *ME* of things without proof.

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Augustus: You wouldn't believe the liars there are. Livia it seems is the worse of them all. And it's taken me *this* long for me to realise it.

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[to Antonia]
Young Caligula: Evil German woman. I'll burn your German house down.

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[to Livia]
Julia: Take my advice, climb on the funeral pyre with him.

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Julia: This is your doing, isn't it? Oh Livia, you really think that it'll convince my father to let Tiberius? HA. You are so transparent. I'm the only one who can see you for what you really are... Well remember this, Livia, I have THREE sons and they ALL come before Tiberius. And when they came to age, you won't be wanted anymore.

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Livia: It's a hard thing to see a child banished, especially when you know the banishment is unjust.
[Augustus looks at her]
Livia: Yes, you must let my son come home. Can't you see what has been clear to me for so long, that it was Julia's wickedness that drove him away.
[Augustus glares at her]
Augustus: I'll never bring him back. Never. He drove her to it. She would never have gone down that road if it wasn't for his wickedness.
[He stand up and yells to Livia]
Augustus: He can stay there and rot.

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[Regarding Augustus and his family]
Tiberius: That family is starting to sound like a Greek tragedy.

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Claudius: By dulling the blade of tyranny, I reconciled Rome to the monarchy.

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Claudius: I killed Britannicus' mother. I've been less than a father to him ever since.

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[Preparing to make love]
Sejanus: You'll have to behave from now on. And if you don't, I'll lock you in a room without any clothes, and visit you every day.
Livilla: You'd get tired.
Sejanus: Then I'd send my guards to stand in for me.
Livilla: How many?
Sejanus: Three or four.
Livilla: I might not like them.
Sejanus: You'd be forced.
Livilla: I'd struggle and scream.
Sejanus: To no use.
Livilla: You'd like that, wouldn't you?

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Tiberius: Let me go, you fat drunken cow!
Julia: Fat? Fat? If I'm fat, I'm fat where a woman should be fat, not skinny like a boy!

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Young Herod: Do I have the honor of addressing the Lady Julia, wife of the late Marcus Agrippa?
Julia: Oh, yes indeed you do, dear.
Young Herod: Madam, I am honored to meet you. I am Herod Agrippa, I was named after you *illustrious* husband.
Julia: [Smiling] Well, wasn't that nice of your father?
Young Herod: It wasn't my father lady, it was my grandfather who named me.
Julia: Oh, well it was nice of him them.
Young Herod: Not really my lady, he beheaded my father for being a traitor when I was born.
Julia: [Awkwardly] Oh... I'm sorry.
Young Herod: [Smiling] Yes, lady. So was my father.

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Tiberius: Has it ever occurred to you, mother, that it's you they hate and not me?
Livia: There is nothing in this world that occurs to you that does not occur to me first. That is the affliction I live with.

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[to Postumus before banishing him]
Augustus: I'll make you suffer. Just like your mother suffers.

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[regarding Caligula]
Caesonia: Claudius, we must help him, the emperor.
Claudius: He's your husband, you help him.
Caesonia: Claudius, he's sick. He needs good people around him.
Claudius: He's killed them all.

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[about Augustus]
Tiberius: Are you drinking because he nearly died or because he didn't?
Livia: Sarcastic aren't we this morning?

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[on Augustus' will]
Livia: He's altered his will
[Tiberius gawps]
Livia: What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Ha, that took your breath away, didn't it.
Tiberius: How do you know?
Livia: I know; I make it my business to know.

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[Livia has told Tiberius about the will]
Tiberius: Whose he changed it in favour of?
Livia: Whose d'you think?
Tiberius: Germanicus?
Livia: HA. Trust you to get it wrong. I must have been nodding when I gave birth to you.
Tiberius: I wonder sometimes mother if you ever did anything so natural as giving birth. In whose favour has he altered the will-?
Livia: POSTUMUS. Whose d'you think?
Livia: Augustus went to Corsica, didn't it occur to you be might stop off to visit your stepson?
Tiberius: Well why should he? What does he know that he didn't know before? What could he know?
[pause]
Tiberius: [Grimly] What is there to know?
Livia: He's a senile old man. How am I to know what causes him to change his mind? But he has and so much the worse for you, my baby, if I can't change it back.

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Tiberius: Don't bother on my account. I'm sick of it. Gods know I've done my best; he's never liked me, never. Thirty years I've run his errands for him; I've fought on his bloody frontiers, collected his taxes- Never once has he put his hand on my shoulder and said "Thank you, what would I have done without you?" He sends me off again and doesn't even give me a goodbye, just "Get on your horse and ride." Well, damn him. I retired before once and I can do it again; let his precious grandson run his empire for him. I'm sick to death of it.
[Long pause]
Livia: So, when do you leave?

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[of Livia]
Germanicus: Between reading so many letters and arranging so many rapes, when does she ever sleep?

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Young Claudius: What's the matter?
Young Postumus: Nothing.
Young Herod: Cheer up, young Agrippa. Caesar had adopted you into his family and made you his heir! That is an honour!
Young Postumus: Yes, Herod - but he had also adopted my stepfather and we all know that both of us cannot succeed him. I'm frightened! I want my mother, I want my mother! Where is she? Where is she?

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[reporting the ambush of Varus's three legions in Germany]
Augustus: [incredulous] Well, weren't you warned?
Soldier: [hesitant] Many times, Caesar.
Augustus: Go on!
Soldier: We, uh, we'd had a mass of intelligence that there was something going on in the villages...
Augustus: [sighs] Go on.
Soldier: The, uh... the commander ignored it, sir.
Augustus: Oh, that stiff-necked fool! I should never have appointed him!

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Augustus: Quintilius Varus, where are my Eagles?

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Livia: These games are being degraded by the increasing use of professional tricks to stay alive! And I won't have it! So put on a good show and there'll be plenty of money for the living and a decent burial for the dead. And if not...? I'll break this guild up. And I'll send the lot of you to the mines in Numidia.

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Livia: Tiberius wants to be loved, at least after his death if not before. And the best way to insure that...
Claudius: ...is to have someone worse to follow him. Yes, naturally. He's certainly no fool.
Livia: He's the biggest fool in my family. I've always thought that that was you. But I think now... I was wrong.
Claudius: [Claudius pauses, crafting a response] Grandmother, after all these years you didn't invite me to dinner just to tell me this.
Livia: Wine has made you bold, hasn't it.
Claudius: You said you kept in with Caligula because he was to be the next emperor.
Livia: Lost your stutter too I see.
Claudius: But if by then you're dead, what difference can it make to you?
Livia: Oh, it makes a lot of difference. And that's really why you're here.
[Pleadingly]
Livia: I want to be a goddess, Claudius.

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Caligula: [after committing an especially gruesome murder] Aren't people awful?

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