I, Claudius (1976– )
Tiberius: Are you drinking because he nearly died or because he didn't?
Livia: Sarcastic aren't we this morning?
[On seeing your ex-spouse in secret]
Livia: You saw Julia's mother after your divorce.
Augustus: Yes, but not in secret.
Livia: Well I don't remember being present...
Caligula: [after committing an especially gruesome murder] Aren't people awful?
[to the senate]
Augustus: I called you all here to talk about the level of opposition to my new law against bachelorism. Do you know what I say? I say: "STOP COMPLAINING AND GET MARRIED."
[Of Claudius's clumsiness]
Tiberius: That grandson of yours could wreck the empire just by strolling through it.
[On Marcellus' death]
Antonia: It's not fair to accuse Livia of things without any proof.
Julia: Why shouldn't I? She accuses *ME* of things without proof.
Young Caligula: Evil German woman. I'll burn your German house down.
[Regarding Augustus and his family]
Tiberius: That family is starting to sound like a Greek tragedy.
Germanicus: [on the wisdom of invading Britannia, i.e. Britain] There's nothing of value there, and the people make very poor slaves.
Germanicus: Between reading so many letters and arranging so many rapes, when does she ever sleep?
Livia: That child should have been exposed at birth.
[reciting a poem for the court]
Minester: The golden hair that Gala wears is hers/Who would have thought it?/She swears it's hers, and true she swears/For I know where she bought it!
[reciting another poem]
Minester: You ask me how my farm can pay/Since little it will bear/It pays me thus: 'Tis far away/And you are never there.