The Sunshine Boys (I) (1975)
Ben Clark: I'm getting chest pains. You give me chest pains!
Willy Clark: It's my fault you get excited?
Ben Clark: Yes! I only get chest pains on Wednesdays!
Willy Clark: So come Tuesdays.
Willy Clark: Oh, you a funny man, Al, a pain in the ass but a funny man.
Al Lewis: You know what your trouble is, Willy? You always took the jokes too seriously. It was just jokes. We did comedy on the stage for 43 years. I don't think you enjoyed it once.
Willy Clark: If I was there to enjoy it, I would buy a ticket.
Willy Clark: [talking about his ex-partner, Al Lewis] As an act, nobody could touch him. As a human being, nobody WANTED to touch him!
Al Lewis: [on the phone] Doris, I want you to pick me up now. I don't want to discuss it. Pick me up. He pulled a knife on me - a kitchen knife! It was still dirty from breakfast!
Al Lewis: The man yells at me on stage and gets a million laughs. He yells at me off the stage - he gets a heart attack.
Willy Clark: [arguing over changing a line in their sketch] What's wrong with saying "enter" instead of "come in?"
Al Lewis: Because it's different. Do you know why we did this sketch for 43 years, Willy? Because it's good.
Willy Clark: And do you know why we're not doing it anymore? Because we've been doing it for 43 years.
Al Lewis: If we're not doing it anymore, why are we changing it?
Willy Clark: You know what's wrong with you, Lewis? You've been sitting on a New Jersey porch for too long. You're out of touch. From my window here
[opens up window]
Willy Clark: I see everything that's going on in the world. Look! I see old people, I see young people, nice people, bad people. I see hold-ups! I see drug addicts! Ambulances! Car crashes! Jumpers from buildings! I see everything! You see... a lawn mower... and the milkman.
Al Lewis: That's why you want to say "enter" instead of "come in?"
Man on Street: Hey, Willy, what're you doin' Downtown?
Willy Clark: [yelling as he hurries past him] I'm workin'! What the hell are you doin'?
Man on Street: [to his companion] He's working!
Ben Clark: You're not supposed to eat pickles. It's high sodium.
Willy Clark: I spit out the sodium.
Ben Clark: How do you do, Mr. Lewis. I'm Ben Clark, Willy's nephew.
Al Lewis: [shaking hands] Oh?... oh! Willy's nephew Ben. Sure, hello. How are you?
Ben Clark: Fine, sir.
Al Lewis: Good, good. You're Willy's nephew Ben. How are you?
Ben Clark: Fine, sir, very good. It was nice of you to see me.
Al Lewis: Really? When was that?
Ben Clark: [after a pause] Today...
Ben Clark: Heh, heh, it was nice of you to see me today.
Al Lewis: Certainly. Today is fine. As a matter of fact, I was expecting you today.
Mrs. Doris Green, Al's Daughter: Please sit down, Mr. Clark.
Al Lewis: Why doesn't he sit down?
Ben Clark: [sitting down] Thank you very much.
Willy Clark: 60-40! All right! 60-40! I get $6000; he gets $4000. What the hell can he buy in New Jersey anyway?
Willy Clark: Lousy Japs, they lost the war, now they send us their junk!
Al Lewis: You know what you are? You're a 73-year-old putz.
Willy Clark: At least the putz didn't drive all the way here from New Jersey!
Willy Clark: Well, you know, people don't go out to New Jersey unless they have to.
Mrs. Doris Green, Al's Daughter: Mr. Clark, vaudeville is dead. Thank God, my father isn't.