Female Trouble (1974)
Aunt Ida: [to Gater] I worry that you'll work in an office, have children, celebrate wedding anniversaries. The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life.
Aunt Ida: Oh, Ernie! Have another pretzel for Chrissakes! Wait 'til you meet my little Gater. You two are gonna fall right in love.
Ernie: My dear, I hope so. Are you sure he's gay?
Aunt Ida: Well I just use common sense. I mean, if they're smart they're queer, and if they're stupid they're straight, right Earnie? Are you sure you won't have another pretzel?
Ernie: I'm sure, Miss Thing, I'm sure. Pretzels give you plaque.
Dribbles: How's your little girl? Why don't you bring her in here more often?
Sally: Why? So you can undress her with your eyes? For Christ's sake, she's only six years old.
Dribbles: I know, but I just like to play with her. I wish I was a little girl.
Sally: Well, throw a goddamn penny in a fountain and make a goddamn wish and maybe it'll come true.
Wink: I'm getting a hard-on! Beauty always gives me a hard-on!
Donna Dasher: Aim it the other way then, Wink. You know how I detest organs. Beauty has absolutely nothing to do with that WORD, that THING you have hanging there like an obscene pickle. Spare me your anatomy.
Gator: I'm straight, I mean I like a lot of queers but I don't dig their equipment, you know. I like women.
Aunt Ida: But you could change. Queers are just better. I'd be so proud if you was a fag and had a nice beautician boyfriend. I'd never have to worry.
Gator: You have nothing to worry about.
Gator: Hey Taffy, baby, come suck your daddy's dick.
Taffy: I wouldn't suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!
Taffy Davenport: Daddy? Daddy? It's me Taffy!
Earl Peterson: I don't know nobody named Taffy. I'm busy right now.
Taffy Davenport: Oh, please let me in, Daddy! Open the door!
Earl Peterson: Ah, fucking shut up! Alright already!
Taffy Davenport: [jumping into his arms] Daddy, it's me Taffy, your long, lost little girl!
Earl Peterson: Hey, get off! I ain't your daddy! I ain't even married!
Taffy Davenport: Oh, I know that, but you're my daddy alright. My mother told me. My mother is Dawn Davenport.
Earl Peterson: Yeah, you can stay here awhile. Want a drink?
Taffy Davenport: NO! You don't even believe me, do you?
Earl Peterson: Yeah, yeah. I'll be your sugar daddy, how about that?
[belches in Taffy's face]
Earl Peterson: I'm feelin' a little drink, so don't mind me.
Taffy Davenport: Shitface! You're my father! Doesn't that mean anything to you?
Earl Peterson: Who'd you say your mother was?
Taffy Davenport: Dawn Davenport. You know her.
Earl Peterson: What does she look like?
Taffy Davenport: Fat. Very fat.
Earl Peterson: Yeah, yeah. I maybe remember.
Taffy Davenport: Oh, daddy! I knew you would! Mother's been awful to me. For years, I've suffered. Please let me stay with you. I won't be any trouble. I'll help you clean and we can go out together and maybe... maybe you can buy me some regular clothes.
Earl Peterson: Can you fuck as good as your mother?
Taffy Davenport: [slaps Earl across the face] PIG! You goddamn slimy pig!
Earl Peterson: Hey, little Taffy, can you stretch like taffy?
Taffy Davenport: [struggling] Fuck you.
Earl Peterson: Hey, you spilled my drink!
[pulls out his syphillitic penis]
Earl Peterson: Daddy Earl's got a little present for you.
Earl Peterson: [vomits on Taffy] I'm sorry... I been drinking.
Taffy Davenport: [sees butcher knife and begins stabbing Earl in the chest]
Taffy Davenport: OH! OH!
Taffy Davenport: [throws knife down and runs from house]
Dawn Davenport: I'm afraid I'm going to have to be the one to break the news to you, Taffy. I've thrown Gater out and started divorce proceedings. I don't want to seem overly bitter, but I'd appreciate it if you would destroy all of his belongings.
School snitch: Mr. Weinberger, Dawn Davenport is eating a meatball sandwich right out in class! And she's been passing notes!
Dawn Davenport: I was not eating!
Dawn Davenport: Where did you get this crap, Taffy? I told you to spend that money I gave you on a cute outfit, but ooooh-noooo! As soon as my back is turned, you run right out and spend it on props for your morbid little games! Well, I want it cleaned up pronto! We're having guests for dinner and I want you looking as P-R-E-T-T-Y as humanly possible!
Taffy: Writing a book, hippie? Why don't you go listen to some folk music and give me a break!
Dawn Davenport: I've DONE everything a mother can do: I've locked her in her room, I've beat her with the car aerial. Nothing changes her. It's HARD being a loving mother!
Taffy Davenport: What's that camera for?
Donald Dasher: To take pictures of your mother.
Taffy Davenport: HER?
Donald Dasher: We happen to think she's quite beautiful.
Taffy Davenport: You must be cockeyed, then! HEY, lady! Have some CHIPS!
Donna Dasher: Really, I couldn't. Thanks, but uh, no thanks.
Taffy Davenport: (mockingly) Nuh NYEHH nuh NYEEHHH.
Dawn Davenport: You want your spaghetti with or without cheese?
Donna Dasher: I'll have two chicken breasts please.
Dawn Davenport: Well, uh, we're not having that, we're having spaghetti.
Donna Dasher: I couldn't possibly eat spaghetti, do I look Italian?
Donald Dasher: We rarely eat any form of noodle. But I'll take a small portion to be polite, with cheese, please.
Donna Dasher: I'll have an extremely large glass of ice-water.
Earl Peterson: [answering phone] Hello?
Dawn Davenport: Is Earl Peterson there? Earl Peterson! This is Dawn Davenport. Dawn Davenport... you made love to me Christmas morning.
Dawn Davenport: Well I just called to tell you I'm pregnant and I want money.
Earl Peterson: You stole my wallet, you fat bitch!
Dawn Davenport: So what if I did? I want money!
Earl Peterson: You'll never get any money from me, cow! Just cause you got them big udders don't mean you're somethin' special. Get the hook! Go fuck yourself for all I care. YEAH! Go fuck yourself!
Dawn Davenport: Hello? Hello? UGH!
Aunt Ida: Aahhh! Ahhhh! Dawn, ya son of a bitch! You're the one who did it! YOU! You drove Gater away!
[as Ida enters the room]
Donald Dasher: Oh my God!
Donna Dasher: Incredible!
Dawn Davenport: Ida Nelson, you get out of my house!
[hurling acid into Dawn's face]
Aunt Ida: You made Gater leave! I got somethin for your face, motherfucker!
[after sticking a carrot in Dawn's mouth at the moment of sexual climax]
Gator: I got off on it! I really got off on it!
Dawn Davenport: Oh DID you? Well, hip hip hooray for your cheap climax! What about ME, fuck face?
Butterfly: Beauty, beauty, look at you, I wish to God I had it, too.
Gator: Hello, Aunt Ida.
Aunt Ida: Gater, what a coincidence! There's somebody here dying to meet you! Ernie, this is Gater; Gater, this is Ernie!
Ernie: Hi, stud!
Gator: Get him outta here!
Aunt Ida: Gater Nelson, you be polite to Ernie! He wants a date with you!
Gator: Well, I don't want a date with him. I came to say goodbye, Aunt Ida. I'm moving to Detroit.
Aunt Ida: WHAT?
Gator: I want to be near the auto in-duss-try. I'm sick of hairdressing, and besides, Dawn had me fired.
Ernie: I can get you a job at the baths, Mary!
Gator: Look, fucker, take a walk!
Gator: Look, you better beat it before I punch your fuckin' face out that window.
Ernie: No gay knocks for me, Ida! At best, all you've got here is trade.
Aunt Ida: Oh, Gater! Ernie's your type! Move back in with me, and we'll get you a job as a female impersonator!
Ernie: His hands are too big, dahling. Bye, Gater. It was... fab meeting you!
Gator: Fuck you! You're worse than my wife!
Aunt Ida: And remember my offer still stands. If you get tired of being a Hare Krishna, you come live with me and be a lesbian!
Donald Dasher: We are always curious as to what drew you here to "Le Lipstique".
Stripper: Well I heard all the strippers come here, and I got sick of my old salon.
Donna Dasher: And supposing we become sick of you?
Stripper: Well, I had hoped that wouldn't happen...!
Donna Dasher: Well, I think it IS happening. It's hard to describe, but when I look into your face, I pick up a distinct feeling of nausea.
Stripper: Hey, WAIT A MINUTE...!
[Dawn discovers the shoe box under the Xmas tree does not contain cha cha heels]
Dawn Davenport: WHAT are THESE?
Mrs. Davenport: Those are your new shoes, Dawn!
Dawn Davenport: Those aren't the right kind, I told you cha cha heels, black ones!
Mr. Davenport: Nice girls don't wear cha cha heels!
Dawn Davenport: Gimmie those presents, I'll never wear those ugly shoes! I told you the kind I wanted! You ruined my Christmas!
[stomps the Xmas presents]
Mrs. Davenport: Please, Dawn! Not on Christmas!
Dawn Davenport: Get off me, you ugly witch!
[pushes mother into the Xmas tree]
Mr. Davenport: Dawn Davenport, are you crazy, look at your mother!
Dawn Davenport: Get off me... LAY OFF ME! I hate you, fuck you! Fuck you both, you awful people! You're not my parents! I hate you, I hate this house, and I hate Christmas!
Mrs. Davenport: Not on Christmas! Not on Christmas!
Concetta: I got a knife here in my pockybook and I'm gonna cut you up after class.
Concetta: Hey there, Taffy.
Dawn Davenport: She's been a hideous little girl today, she was about to get a good whippin'!
Chicklette: She looks so cute.
Taffy as a child: Who are you, UGLY?
Dawn Davenport: You know who they are!
Taffy as a child: I've never seen THEM before.
Dawn Davenport: Oh, TAFFY.
Chicklette: I just saw you yesterday, Taffy. Come sit here with your Aunt Chicklette!
[Taffy bites Chicklette's arm]
Chicklette: OH MY GOD, this kid's BITIN' me! Get off!
Dawn Davenport: This is ridiculous...
Concetta: [consoling Dawn] Just get your hair done. That's what I always do when I get depressed.
Dawn Davenport: Maybe I will.
Concetta: I'll tell ya, the Lipstick Beauty Salon is the best. They only let, well, you know, 'special' girls in. You have to audition to even get your hair done!
Chicklette: AND, there's this guy that does hair there, MMMM MMMM. I'd suck the socks off him in a minute.
Concetta: Yeah, Gater's his name, and you know what? He lives right next door.
Dawn Davenport: Wonder what HIS story is? Maybe he's a... CHUBBY CHASER!
Earl Peterson: Hey! You spilled my drink! Daddy Earl's got a little present for you here.
Taffy: [showing up at Superstar nightclub dressed in saffron robes] Hare Krishna, mother!
Dawn Davenport: You've finally done it, haven't you! Embarrassed me on my night of FAME!
Dawn Davenport: No reporters saw you did they
[Taffy shaking off her mother's hands]
Dawn Davenport: Look at you, I could vomit!
Donald Dasher: THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF BEAUTY!
Donna Dasher: Remember Alice Crimmins.
Dawn Davenport: Davenport. Dawn Davenport! I'm a thief and a shitkicker, and, uh, I'd like to be famous.
Dawn Davenport: I'd like to set fire to this dump!
Concetta: Just 'cause we're pretty everybody's jealous!
Taffy as a child: Why can't I go to school? Why can't I have friends?
Dawn Davenport: You can't go to school because I said so. I won't have you nagging me for lunch money and whining for help on your homework. There is no need to know about presidents, wars, numbers or science. Just listen to me and you'll learn. And no little friends over here, repeating rhymes, asking flippant questions, and talking in those nagging baby voices. Can't you just sit here and look out into the air? Isn't that enough? Do you always have to badger me for attention?
Taffy: You're not my daddy, you disgusting hippie pig! And I wouldn't get near a bed that had been defiled by the likes of you two! I'd sooner jump in a river of snot!
Bailiff: OK, Lez-beans! I caught ya! Bumpin' pussies is a violation of jail rules!
Dawn Davenport: Thank you! I love you! Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my black little heart! You came here for some excitement tonight and that's just what you're going to get! Take a good look at ME because I'm going to be on the front of every newspaper in this country tomorrow! You're looking at crime personified AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT! I framed Leslie Bacon! I called the heroin hot line on Abby Hoffman! I bought the gun that Bremmer used to shoot Wallace! I had an affair with Juan Corona! I blew Richard Speck! And I'm so fucking beautiful I can't stand it myself! Now, everybody freeze! Who wants to be famous? Who wants to DIE for art?
Gator: Hi, brat. Is your mother home? I've a little going away present for her.
Taffy: [after spitting in his face] Hey, Mother, there's a shithead here to see you!
Host: I'd like to introduce the most beautiful woman in the world: the fabulous Dawn Davenport.