Blind beggar: I am a musician and the monkey is a businessman. He doesn't tell me what to play, and I don't tell him what to do with his money.
Clouseau: I arrest you, Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious pink Lytton.
Col. Sharky: [after examining the scene of stolen Pink Panther, Clouseau notices the wire on the floor] Very ingenious.
Police Chief Lundallah: [annoyed] He pulled himself across the floor.
Clouseau: He did?
Police Chief Lundallah: How else could he have avoided our radar field?
Clouseau: Yes, how else. Hmm. Of course he would have needed a very slippery floor to do that.
Police Chief Lundallah: Therefore, the wax.
Clouseau: The wax? AGHH!
[Clouseau steps on the wax and falls to the floor]
Col. Sharky: Are you alright, Inspector?
Clouseau: [on his knees] Of course I'm alright. I'm... examining the wax.
[sniffs the wax on the floor]
Clouseau: Have you taken a sample of this wax?
Police Chief Lundallah: Wax is wax!
Clouseau: See, this is where you are wrong. Wax is NOT just wax. In this case it is a clue. Domestic wax, Belgian Wax, French Wax, English Wax...
Col. Sharky: Ah, the Inspector is right. Have the wax tested immediately.
Clouseau: [grabing the mechanical arm from the jewel stand] It is my guess that you will find it is English wax.
Police Chief Lundallah: Why?
Clouseau: Because your thief is an Englishman.
Col. Sharky: How do you know that?
Clouseau: It is my business to know that. He is Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious Lytton.
Police Chief Lundallah: The Phantom?
Clouseau: Yes, one and the same.
[the mechanical arm grabs Clouseaus's crotch]
Clouseau: I see you are familiar with the falling-down-on-the-floor ploy.
[after an incident involving a blind beggar]
Dreyfus: The beggar was the lookout man for the gang.
Clouseau: That is impossible. How can a blind man be a lookout?
Dreyfus: [Insinuating Clouseau] How can an idiot be a police officer?
Clouseau: Well, all he has to do is enlist...
Dreyfus: Shut up!
[after inadvertently destroying much of the hotel he is in]
Clouseau: I must leave. Zis Hotel is deteriorating rapidly.
[to a Taxi driver]
Clouseau: Follow that car!
[driver gets out of the taxi and follows the car]
Clouseau: Does Lady Lytton have a swimming pewl?
Nice Police Chief: A swimming pewl?
Col. Sharky: I will be forced to shoot you.
Claudine: Who's forcing you?
[Chief Inspector Dreyfuss has gone berserk, shooting at Clouseau and Lytton]
Sir Charles Lytton: He's out of ammunition.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He's out of his mind, that's what he's out of.
[Cato has just attacked Clouseau, causing extensive damage to the restaurant he's eating in]
Clouseau: You fool! You raving Oriental idiot! There is a time and a place for everything, Cato! And this is it!
[Clouseau goes to attack Cato, but misses and destroys the restaurant's kitchen]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [in Dreyfus' office, after Clouseau's apartment has been bombed] I tell you, infamous powers are at work! The instant you assign me to a case, the Underworld hears about it and I am set upon! It is amazing that I am still alive!
Dreyfus: [forcing himself not to giggle] "Amazing" is the polite term.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do I detect something in your voice that says I am in disfavor with you?
Dreyfus: YES! I wish you were DEAD!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course, you are entitled to your opinion.
Dreyfus: [after Clouseau's fiasco with the bank robbers] ... You are suspended for six months, without pay, effective immediately! Have you anything to say?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Could you lend me fifty francs?
Dreyfus: [after Clouseau has demolished two trucks and a swimming pool in Nice] Now he's off to Gstaad. Today, a paradise in the Swiss Alps - tomorrow, a wasteland.
[rolls his eyes and lets out a deep breath]
Dreyfus: Compared to Clouseau, Attila the Hun was a Red Cross volunteer!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [at Lytton Manor in Nice, while working undercover as a telephone repairman, Clouseau has already annihilated the Lyttons' doorbell!] ... I am from the Nice Telephone Company; there is some trouble with your phone.
Mac: ...I don't think there's any trouble with the telephones here.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I know when there is a trouble, and when there is not a trouble, and you may rest assured that there is a trouble.
Mac: Since when?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Since it was reported.
Mac: By whom? And what sort of trouble is it?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: If I knew that, I could simply call you up and tell you what the trouble with your telephone is!
Claudine: Well... Whatever the trouble is, I hope you locate it.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Madame, it is my business to locate trouble...
[He misses the door to the study, crashing headlong into the wall; being Clouseau, he isn't even fazed]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Er, no trouble back there!
[Clouseau is having the hotel bellboy spy on Lady Lytton]
Clouseau: How long have you been a bellboy?
Bellboy: Oh, too long, Monsieur.
Clouseau: Keep up the good work, and I shall see to it you become a bell *man*.
Doctor: Describe your thoughts. Get them out in the open. You'll feel much better.
Dreyfus: All right. See, it's always the same. Clouseau is sitting there, in a chair, just like you, with his back to me. Then suddenly, my hands go round his throat, and I begin to squeeze. It's wonderful. It's marvelous. I'm squeezing. And the more I squeeze, the freer I feel. I'm in ecstasy. And then suddenly, suddenly my problem is solv-ved.
[while Dreyfus has been talking, he has been unintentionally strangling the doctor. He suddenly becomes aware of this as the doctor falls to the floor]
Dreyfus: Doctor! DOCTOR!
Dreyfus: [Offscreen, Dreyfus accidentally fires a gun that he thought did not work. Francois rushes into Dreyfus's office to see what has happened] Don't just stand there, idiot. Call a doctor. And then help me find my nose.
Clouseau: [answering the phone] This is Monsieur Gadoire - who is this speaking?
Dreyfus: Don't you know? HmmHmmm! Can't you guess? I'll give you a clue - this is the man who hates you. This is the man who more than anything else in the world would like to see you dead and buried!
Clouseau: ...are you the headwaiter that works in the little bistro on the Rue de Bazaar?
Sir Charles Lytton: [meaning the diamond] All right, Darling, where is it?
Claudine: [pretending to misunderstand] After all these years, you still need to ask?
Clouseau: I did not know the bank was being robbed because I was engaged in my sworn duty as a police officer.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: This is very strange. I do not ever recall receiving the fortune cookie in a Japanese Restaurant.
Sgt. François Chevalier: What does yours say?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Beware of Japanese Waitress bearing fortune cookies