Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) Poster


[after slicing one of the Black Knight's arms off]

King Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.

King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off.

Black Knight: No it isn't.

King Arthur: What's that, then?

Black Knight: [after a pause] I've had worse.

King Arthur: You liar.

Black Knight: Come on ya pansy.

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?

Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?

Sir Lancelot: Blue.

Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.

Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Sir Robin: That's easy.

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?

Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?


Sir Robin: I don't know that.

[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]

Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.

Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?

Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Galahad: I seek the Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?

Galahad: Blue. No, yel...

[he is also thrown over the edge]

Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.

Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?

King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.

[he is thrown over]

Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.

Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?

King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

King Arthur: I am your king.

Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.

King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.

Woman: Well how'd you become king then?

[Angelic music plays... ]

King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.

Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Sir Lancelot: [Sir Galahad the Chaste is being seduced by an entire castle full of young women] We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.

Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.

Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.

Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.

Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.

Sir Lancelot: Am not.

Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.

Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?

Peasant 1: Burn them.

Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?

Peasant 1: More witches.

Peasant 2: Wood.

Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?

Peasant 3: ...because they're made of... wood?

Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?

Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.

Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?

Peasant 1: Oh yeah.

Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?

Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!

Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?

Peasant 1: Bread.

Peasant 2: Apples.

Peasant 3: Very small rocks.

Peasant 1: Cider.

Peasant 2: Gravy.

Peasant 3: Cherries.

Peasant 1: Mud.

Peasant 2: Churches.

Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!

King Arthur: A Duck.

Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...

Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.

Sir Bedevere: And therefore...

Peasant 2: ...A witch!

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?

Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!

Sir Bedevere: A newt?

Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.

Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!

King Arthur: [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!

Black Knight: Yes I have.

King Arthur: Look!

Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.

Dennis: Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

King Arthur: Bloody peasant!

Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, didn't you?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?

King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!

King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?

King Arthur: Yes!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!

King Arthur: What?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?

King Arthur: We found them.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

King Arthur: What do you mean?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone

King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

King Arthur: Please!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?

Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.

Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.

Knight 2: NI.

Other Knights: Shh...

Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say..."Ekki-ekki-ekki-ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing, z'nourrwringmm."

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]

King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?

Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.

King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.

Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...

Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.

Brother Maynard: Amen.

All: Amen.

King Arthur: Right. One... two... five!

Galahad: Three, sir.

King Arthur: Three!

Tim: There he is!

King Arthur: Where?

Tim: There!

King Arthur: What? Behind the rabbit?

Tim: It *is* the rabbit!

King Arthur: You silly sod!

Tim: What?

King Arthur: You got us all worked up!

Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.

King Arthur: Ohh.

Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!

Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!

Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!

Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.

Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?

Sir Robin: You manky Scots git!

Tim: I'm warning you!

Sir Robin: What's he do? Nibble your bum?

Tim: He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!

King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!

Sir Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

Minstrel: [singing] He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off And his penis...

Sir Robin: That's enough music for now, lads.

Knights of Camelot: [singing] We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot


Knights of Camelot: I have to push the pram a lot.

King Arthur: Can we come up and have a look?

French Soldier: Of course not. You're English types.

King Arthur: What are you then?

French Soldier: I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

Sir Galahad: What are you doing in England?

French Soldier: Mind your own business.

King of Swamp Castle: Guards, make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

Guard #1: Not to leave the room... even if you come and get him.

Guard #2: [hiccups]

King of Swamp Castle: No, no. *Until* I come and get him.

Guard #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no. You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave.

Guard #1: And you'll come and get him.

Guard #2: [hiccups]

King of Swamp Castle: Right.

Guard #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

King of Swamp Castle: No, no. *Leaving* the room.

Guard #1: Leaving the room, yes.

King of Swamp Castle: All right?

Guard #2: [hiccups]

Guard #1: Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we... oh, if... oh...

King of Swamp Castle: Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?

Guard #2: [hiccups]

Guard #1: Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?

King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and make sure...

Guard #1: Oh yeah, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him...

King of Swamp Castle: No, just keep him in here...

Guard #1: Until you, or anyone else...

King of Swamp Castle: No, not anyone else. Just me.

Guard #1: Just you.

Guard #2: [hiccups]

King of Swamp Castle: Get back.

Guard #1: Get back.

King of Swamp Castle: All right?

Guard #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.

King of Swamp Castle: And make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard #1: What?

King of Swamp Castle: Make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard #1: The prince?

King of Swamp Castle: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard #1: Oh, yes, of course.

[Points at Guard #2]

Guard #1: I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me I were to guard him when he's a guard.

King of Swamp Castle: Is that clear?

Guard #2: [hiccups]

Guard #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

King of Swamp Castle: Right.

[King of Swamp Castle turns to leave the room, both guards follow him]

King of Swamp Castle: Where are you going?

Guard #1: We're coming with you.

King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no. I want you to stay here and make sure *he* doesn't leave.

Guard #1: Oh, I see. Right.

Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away...

Sir Robin: No!

Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away...

Sir Robin: I didn't!

Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

Sir Robin: I never did!

Minstrel: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.

Sir Robin: Oh, you liars!

Minstrel: [singing] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.

Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then?

The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.

Large Man with Dead Body: Why?

The Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

French Soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.

Sir Bedevere: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

King Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

Woman: Oh. How do you do?

King Arthur: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?

Woman: King of the who?

King Arthur: King of the Britons.

Woman: Who are the Britons?

King Arthur: Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.

Woman: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Dennis: You're foolin' yourself! We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...

Woman: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.

Dennis: Well, that's what it's all about! If only people would...

King Arthur: Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

Woman: No one lives there.

King Arthur: Then who is your lord?

Woman: We don't have a lord.

Dennis: I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the week...

King Arthur: Yes...

Dennis: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...

King Arthur: Yes I see...

Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...

King Arthur: Be quiet!

Dennis: ...but by a two thirds majority in the case of...

King Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?

The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.

[a man puts a body on the cart]

Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.

The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.

The Dead Collector: What?

Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.

The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.

Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.

The Dead Collector: He isn't.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.

Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.

The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.

Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.

The Dead Collector: I can't take him.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine.

Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.

The Dead Collector: I can't.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round?

The Dead Collector: Thursday.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk.

Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy.

[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]

Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.

The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

Large Man with Dead Body: Right.

King Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

French Soldier: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.

King Arthur: What?

Sir Galahad: He said they've already got one!

King Arthur: Are you sure he's got one?

French Soldier: Oh yes, it's very nice!

[the Black Knight continues to threaten Arthur despite getting both his arms and one of his legs cut off]

Black Knight: Right, I'll do you for that!

King Arthur: You'll what?

Black Knight: Come here!

King Arthur: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?

Black Knight: I'm invincible!

King Arthur: ...You're a loony.

King Arthur: [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say, Brother Maynard?

Brother Maynard: It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "

King Arthur: What?

Brother Maynard: "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"

Sir Bedevere: What is that?

Brother Maynard: He must have died while carving it.

King Arthur: Oh come on!

Brother Maynard: Well, that's what it says.

King Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.

Sir Galahad: Maybe he was dictating it.

King Arthur: Oh shut up!

Sir Robin: Well does it say anything else?

Brother Maynard: No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".

[knights making groaning sounds]

Sir Bedevere: Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?

Sir Galahad: Where's that?

Sir Bedevere: France, I think.

Sir Lancelot: Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?

King Arthur: No that's Saint "Ives".

Sir Lancelot: Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!

[All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"]

Sir Bedevere: Whooooouuuuaaa!

Sir Lancelot: No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.

Sir Bedevere: No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.

Sir Lancelot: Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"


Sir Galahad: Zoot!

Dingo: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

[He tried to get past her]

Dingo: Where are you going?

Sir Galahad: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!

Dingo: Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!

Sir Galahad: What is it?

Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is Grail shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

Sir Galahad: It's not the real Grail?

Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person, and she must pay the penalty!

[Turns to camera]

Dingo: Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now we're glad! It's better than some of the previous scenes I think.

Left Head: At least ours was better visually.

Dennis: At least ours was committed, it wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.

Bridgekeeper: Get on with it.

Tim: Yes! Get on with it!

Army: Yeah! Get on with it!

Dingo: Oh, I am enjoying this scene!

God: Get on with it!

The Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!

Sir Bedevere: But you are dressed as one!

The Witch: *They* dressed me up like this!

Crowd: We didn't! We didn't...

The Witch: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.

Sir Bedevere: [lifts up her false nose] Well?

Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose.

Sir Bedevere: The nose?

Peasant 1: And the hat, but she is a witch!

Crowd: Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!

Sir Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?

Peasant 1: No!

Peasant 3Peasant 2: No!

Peasant 3: No!

Peasant 1: No!

Peasant 3Peasant 2: No!

Peasant 1: Yes!

Peasant 2: Yes!

Peasant 1: Yeah, a bit.

Peasant 3: A bit!

Peasant 1Peasant 2: A bit!

Peasant 2: A bit!

Peasant 1: But she has got a wart!

Random Person in the crowd: [coughs]

Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!

[trumpets play a fanfare as the camera cuts briefly to the sight of a majestic castle]

King Arthur: [in awe] Camelot!

Sir Galahad: [in awe] Camelot!

Sir Lancelot: [in awe] Camelot!

Patsy: [derisively] It's only a model!

King Arthur: Shh!

King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

[the Black Knight doesn't respond]

King Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

[no response]

King Arthur: I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot.

[no response]

King Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

[no response]

King Arthur: You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy!

[attempts to get around the Black Knight]

Black Knight: None shall pass.

King Arthur: What?

Black Knight: None shall pass!

King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.

Black Knight: Then you shall die.

King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!

Black Knight: I move for no man.

King Arthur: So be it!

[they fight until Arthur cuts off Black Knight's left arm]

King Arthur: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!

Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch!

King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off!

Black Knight: No, it isn't!

King Arthur: Well, what's that then?

King Arthur: I've had worse.

King Arthur: You liar!

Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!

[they fight again. Arthur cuts off the Knight's right arm]

King Arthur: Victory is mine!

[kneels to pray]

King Arthur: We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy -

[cut off by the Knight kicking him]

Black Knight: Come on, then.

King Arthur: What?

Black Knight: Have at you!

King Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!

Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?

King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!

[King Arthur has just cut the Black Knight's last leg off]

Black Knight: All right, we'll call it a draw.

King Arthur: [Preparing to leave] Come, Patsy.

[King Arthur and Patsy ride off]

Black Knight: [calling after King Arthur] Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

Knight 1: ...You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... WITH... A HERRING!

King Arthur: Old woman!

Dennis: Man.

King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

Dennis: I'm 37.

King Arthur: What?

Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.

King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".

Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".

King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.

Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?

King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...

Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.

King Arthur: Well, I am king.

Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

King of Swamp Castle: Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who.

King Arthur: Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?

Tim: There are some who call me... Tim.

King Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

Tim: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it... and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie *strewn* about its lair! So! Brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth...

[Makes fangs with his fingers and holds them in front of his mouth]

King Arthur: What an eccentric performance.

King Arthur: NI.

Sir Bedevere: NOU.

King Arthur: No, NI.

Sir Bedevere: NOU.

King Arthur: No No, NI... NI.

Sir Bedevere: No,No,No,No... NI.

[after Bors is killed by the killer rabbit]

Tim: I *warned* you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you *knew*, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little *bunny*, isn't it?

Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?

French Soldier: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

[repeated line]

King Arthur: Run away!

King Arthur: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.

[the Knights of Ni scream and cover their ears]

Knight 1: Don't say that word!

King Arthur: What word?

Knight 1: I cannot tell! Suffice to say, is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear!

King Arthur: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?

[the Knights of Ni scream again]

Knight 1: He said it again!

King Arthur: What,"is"?

Knight 1: No, no, not "is". Wouldn't get very far in life not saying "is".

Roger the Shrubber: Are you saying Ni to that old woman?

King Arthur: Um, yes.

Roger the Shrubber: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.

King Arthur: Did you say shrubberies?

Roger the Shrubber: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.

King of Swamp Castle: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

[last lines]

King Arthur: [Arthur and Bedevere have found out that the Holy Grail is in Castle Augh, which is guarded by the frenchmen] We shall attack at once.

Sir Bedevere: Yes, my liege.

[an army of hundreds of soldiers appears]

King Arthur: [to Castle Augh] French persons, today the blood of many a brave knight shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till every one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those who God Himself has chosen!

[turns to army]

King Arthur: Charge!

[the army charges forward, but is stopped by the police and the historian's wife]

Historian's Wife: [points to Arthur] It's that one, I'm sure!

[the police arrest Arthur and Bedevere]

Policeman: [turns to cameraman] All right, sonny, that's enough, just take off.

[turns off camera]

God: Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

King Arthur: Good idea, O Lord!

God: 'Course it's a good idea!

French Soldier: You don't frighten us with your silly knees-bent running around advancing behavior!

Narrator: A year passed: winter changed into spring, spring changed into summer, summer changed back into winter, and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn... until one day...

Sir Lancelot: [Bursts into the Prince's room and kneels before him after killing the guards] Oh, fair one, behold, I am you humble servant Sir Launcelot. I have come to take

[looks up and realizes that he is kneeling before an effeminate Prince, not a Princess]

Sir Lancelot: Oh, I'm terribly sorry!

Prince Herbert: You got my note!

Sir Lancelot: Uh, well, I got a note.

Prince Herbert: You've come to rescue me! I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone who

[Music swells]

King of Swamp Castle: Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!

[Music stops]

King of Swamp Castle: Who are you?

Prince Herbert: I'm your son!

King of Swamp Castle: No, not you!

Sir Lancelot: I am Sir Launcelot, sir.

Prince Herbert: He's come to rescue me, father!

Sir Lancelot: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

King of Swamp Castle: Did you kill all those guards?

Sir Lancelot: Um... oh, yes! Sorry.

King of Swamp Castle: They cost fifty pounds each!

Sir Lancelot: Well, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.

King of Swamp Castle: Well, I can understand that.

French Soldier: Un cadeau.

Other French soldiers: A what?

French Soldier: A present.

Other French soldiers: Oh. Un cadeau. Oui oui.

French Soldier: Allons y!

Other French soldiers: What?

French Soldier: Let's go!

Other French soldiers: Oh.

Sir Bedevere: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise - not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

[the cartoon Knights are being chased by the animated Beast of Aaaaauuuugggggghhh]

Narrator: And as the Black Beast lurched forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack!

[cut to the animator shown cringing]

Animator: Ughck!

[falls backwards in his chair]

Narrator: [back to the cartoon] The cartoon peril was no more.

[Beast of Aaaaauuuugggggghhh disappears]

Narrator: The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.

King Arthur: Well, we'll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?

King Arthur: I'm not interested!

Second Swallow-Savvy Guard: It could be carried by an African swallow.

King Arthur: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.

Second Swallow-Savvy Guard: But then the African swallow's not migratory...

Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.

[Concorde has just been shot in the chest with an arrow bearing a message]

Concorde: Message for you, sir.

Monks: Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem


Sir Galahad: What a strange person.

King Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.

Leader of The Knights who say NI!: One that looks nice.

King Arthur: Of course.

Leader of The Knights who say NI!: And not too expensive.

King Arthur: Yes.

Prince Herbert: But Mother...

King of Swamp Castle: Father, I'm Father.

Prince Herbert: But Father...

Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me.

All: And me. And me too. And me.

Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.

Knight 1: We are the Knights who say... NI.

King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride's father, you know.

Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.

King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.

Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?

[the King gestures to the window]

King of Swamp Castle: One day, lad, all this will be yours.

Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?

King of Swamp Castle: No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see stretched out over the valleys and the hills! That'll be your kingdom, lad.

Dingo: And after the spanking, the oral sex.

Galahad: Well, I could stay a bit longer...

Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...

Sir Robin: That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?

King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one.

Minstrel: [singing] He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering off And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"...

King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.

Wedding Guest: Look! The dead prince!

Concorde: He's not quite dead.

Prince Herbert: Oh, I feel much better.

King of Swamp Castle: You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!

Prince Herbert: I was saved at the last minute.

King of Swamp Castle: How?

Prince Herbert: Well, I'll tell you.

[music begins playing, the townspeople begin dancing and singing, "He's going to tell, he's going to tell!"]

King of Swamp Castle: Not like that, not like that! No! Stop it! Nooo!

God: What are you doing now?

King Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.

God: Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, they're so depressing. Now knock it off!

Zoot: Welcome, brave sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

Sir Galahad: The Castle Anthrax?

Zoot: Yes... it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we'll attend to your every need.

Narrator: Meanwhile, not more than two swallow's flights away, Arthur and Bedivere had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight away, obviously. There were more than two laden swallow's flights away, four really, if they had the coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking, and dragging the coconut...

Army: Get on with it!

Narrator: And now on to scene 24. A smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, though I think you can hear a starling...

[he retches as he is apparently killed]

King of Swamp Castle: Listen, Alice...

Prince Herbert: Herbert.

King of Swamp Castle: Herbert...

Sir Robin: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

King Arthur: Oh shut up and go and change your armour.

Woman: Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here!

Left Head: Halt! Who art thou?

Minstrel: [sings] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who...

Sir Robin: Shut up! Nobody really, just passing through.

Left Head: What do you want?

Minstrel: [sings] To fight and...

Sir Robin: Shut up! Uh, n-n-nothing, really. J-j-just passing, uhm, just passing through.

God: If it's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

King Arthur: How dare you profane this place with your presence!

The Dead Collector: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

Peasant 3: Here you are, here's your ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead!

The Dead Collector: Hang on, he says he's not dead!

Peasant 3: Yes he is.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not!

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[first lines]

King Arthur: Whoa, there!

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