Memorable quotes for
Blazing Saddles (1974) More at IMDbPro »

[the Johnsons load their guns and point them at Bart. Bart then points his own pistol at his head]
Bart: [low voice] Hold it! Next man makes a move, the nigger gets it!
Olson Johnson: Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.
Dr. Sam Johnson: Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it!
Bart: [low voice] Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town!
Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oh, lo'dy, lo'd, he's desp'it! Do what he sayyyy, do what he sayyyy!
[Townspeople drop their guns. Bart jams the gun into his neck and drags himself through the crowd towards the station]
Harriet Johnson: Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?
Dr. Sam Johnson: Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!
Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oooh! He'p me, he'p me! Somebody he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me!
Bart: [low voice] Shut up!
[Bart places his hand over his own mouth, then drags himself through the door into his office]
Bart: Ooh, baby, you are so talented!
[looks into the camera]
Bart: And they are so *dumb*!

---

Hedley Lamarr: Go do that voodoo that you do so well!

---

Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...
Men: I...
Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...
Men: ...your name...
Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks.
[continues aloud]
Hedley Lamarr: ... do pledge allegiance...
Men: ...do pledge allegiance...
Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley Lamarr...
Men: ...to Hedy Lamarr...
Hedley Lamarr: That's *Hedley*!
Men: That's Hedley.

---

Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, handsome, is that a ten-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?

---

Lili Von Shtupp: A wed wose. How womantic.

---

[Recalling his gunfighting career]
Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

---

Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.

---

Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] Here I stand, the goddess of desire / Set men on fire / I have this power. / Morning, noon, and night, it's dwink and dancing / Some quick womancing / And then a shower. / Stage door Johnnies constantly suwwound me / They always hound me, with one wequest. / Who can satisfy their lustful habits? / I'm not a wabbit. / I need some we...
[Takes a breath]
Lili Von Shtupp: ... est.

---

Church Congregation: [singing] Now is a time of great decision/Are we to stay or up and quit?/There's no avoiding this conclusion/Our town is turning into shit.
Reverend Johnson: Amen.

---

Mexican Bandit: Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.

---

[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: [eagerly] When?

---

Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly Woman: Up yours, nigger.

---

Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] I've been with thousands of men/again and again/they promise the moon/they're always coming and going and going and coming... and always too soon.
Lili Von Shtupp: [spoken] Right, girls?

---

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

---

[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.

---

Mongo: Mongo only pawn... in game of life.

---

Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.

---

Taggart: I got it! I got it!
Hedley Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a Number 6 on 'em.
Hedley Lamarr: [frowns] "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one.
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a-whompin' and a-whumpin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six Dance later on.
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous!

---

Jim: [consoling Bart] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.

---

Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: No, you *say* that, Governor.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: [sighs, then gives the governor a paddleball] Here, sir, play with this.

---

Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. What's your name?
Tex: Tex, ma'am!
Lili Von Shtupp: "Texmam"? Tell me, Texmam, are you in show business?
Tex: Well, no...
Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off the stage?

---

[first lines]
Lyle: Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degree. Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen.

---

Gabby Johnson: I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin' bushwackin', hornswagglin' cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.

---

Taggart: The surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead. Better check it out.
Lyle: Okay, I'll send down a team of horses to check out the ground.
Taggart: Horses? We can't afford to lose any horses, you dummy! Send over a couple of niggers.

---

[Taggart spots Bart and Charlie on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]
Taggart: Oh, shit. Quicksand!
[Lassos the hand-cart and drags it but not the men out of the quicksand]
Taggart: Dang, that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcar.

---

Taggart: Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said...
[Bart whacks him with a shovel]
Taggart: OW!
Lyle: [writing] Send wire, main office, tell them I said "ow". Gotcha!

---

[the Governor is having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]
Hedley Lamarr: Think of your secretary...
[the pen goes straight in]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you. That's a good one.

---

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

---

[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]
Charlie: They said you was hung.
Bart: And they was right.

---

[Gabby Johnson sees the sheriff riding into town]
Gabby Johnson: Hey! The sheriff's a nig...
[church bell tolls]
Harriet Johnson: What did he say?
Dr. Sam Johnson: He said the sheriff's near.
Gabby Johnson: No, dagnabit! The sheriff is a nig...
[church bell tolls again]

---

Howard Johnson: [reading] As honorary chairman of the welcoming committee, it's my privilege to present a laurel and hearty handshake to our new...
[looks up and sees Bart]
Howard Johnson: ...nigger.

---

Bart: Well, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what's your pleasure? What do you like to do?
Jim: Oh, I don't know. Play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Well, let's play chess.

---

Bart: [on grandstand to the townspeople] Excuse me while I whip this out.
[reaches into waistline as crowd gasps and screams; Bart pulls out paper, they sigh with relief]

---

Townspeople: The town saloon was always lively / But never nasty or obscene / Behind the bar stood Emil Johnson / He always kept things nice and clean
[Emil Johnson is standing behind the bar washing a beer mug; he spits into the mug, belches, and continues to wipe the mug]

---

Jim: Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around... and there I was, face-to-face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.

---

Lili Von Shtupp: Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted?
[sound of zipper opening]
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

---

Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well, then how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: Baby, please! I am not from Havana.
Lili Von Shtupp: Will I... see you again?
Bart: Well, it all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.

---

[to two members of the KKK, while pretending to capture Bart]
Jim: Oh, boys! Lookee what I got heyuh.
Bart: Hey, where the white women at?

---

Hedley Lamarr: Sign here.
[Bart reaches for the pen... revealing his black hands]
Jim: [quickly] Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross burning?
[licks his fingers, then rubs Bart's hand]
Jim: See, it's coming off.
[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]
Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens.

---

[Jim the Waco Kid has just shot the guns out of the hands of a dozen henchmen]
Bart: Well, don't just stand there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about a round of applause for The Waco Kid?

---

Adolf Hitler: They lose me right after the bunker scene.

---

Buddy Bizarre: What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set.
Taggart: Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks.
[winds up to punch Buddy]
Buddy Bizarre: Not in the face!
[Taggart punches Buddy in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] Thank you...

---

Hedley Lamarr: Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the west. Now you men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.

---

Jim: I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.
Jim: See? In another twenty-five years, you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.

---

Taggart: I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots.

---

Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property: the rightful owners.

---

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.

---

Bart: Now, I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.
Crowd: You bet your ass.
Bart: I'm hip.

---

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
Taggart: Ditto.
Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto?" "Ditto," you provincial putz?

---

Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.

---

[last lines]
Jim: Where you headed, cowboy?
Bart: Nowhere special.
Jim: Nowhere special; I always wanted to go there.
Bart: Come on.

---

Taggart: I got it! I know how we can run everyone out of Rock Ridge.
Hedley Lamarr: How?
Taggart: We'll kill the first born male child in every household.
Hedley Lamarr: [after some consideration] Too Jewish.

---

Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?

---

Reporter: Sir, those are dummies.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: How do you think I got elected?

---

Hedley Lamarr: Where's my froggy?

---

Taggart: [shouting] We'll head them off at the pass!
Hedley Lamarr: Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché.
[shoots his foot]

---

Reverend Johnson: Order, order. Goddamnit, I said "order".
Howard Johnson: Y'know, Nietzsche says: "Out of chaos comes order."
Olson Johnson: Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard.

---

Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.

---

Reverend Johnson: We will now read from Matthew, Mark, Luke...
[stick of dynamite sails in through window]
Reverend Johnson: ... and DUCK.

---

Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want. Wait a minute... maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town.
[looks into the camera]
Hedley Lamarr: But where would I find such a man?
[pause]
Hedley Lamarr: Why am I asking you?

---

Hedley Lamarr: [gives her a bunch of flowers] For you, my dear.
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh... how ordinawy.

---

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you
Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.

---

[repeated line]
Lili Von Shtupp: Willkommen. Bienvenue. Welcome. C'mon in.

---

Bart: Well, raise my rent. You *are* The Kid.

---

[Hedley arrives at Grauman's Chinese Theater]
Tourist Mother: [to her husband] Look, Irv. I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes.
Hedley Lamarr: [correcting her as he runs past them] HEDLEY.

---

[after meeting black pioneers]
Indian Chief: [speaks Yiddish, then in English] They darker than us! Woof!

---

Buddy's Singers: [singing] Throw up your hands/Stick out your tush/Hands on your hips/Give 'em a push/You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake/Voila!

---

Taggart: [on learning Bart is the new sheriff of Rock Ridge] Now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So we can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian. I am depressed.
Lyle: Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that nigger dead? Would that pep you up some?
Taggart: That might help.

---

Olson Johnson: All right... we'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks. But we don't want the Irish!

---

Singer: "Blazing Saddles": He conquered fear, and he conquered hate, / He turned dark night into day, / He made his blazing saddle / A torch to light the way...

---

Bart: Sir, he specifically requested two "niggers". Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.

---

Buddy Bizarre: [stomps in time to music on each word] Watch me, faggots!

---

[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor]
Harriet Johnson: [quietly] To the honorable William J. LePetomaine, Governor...
Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you!
Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking.
[clears her throat]
Harriet Johnson: WE THE WHITE, GODFEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately! The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!

---

[Bart is bidding farewell to the people of Rock Ridge]
Bart: Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice.
Crowd: [in unison] BULLSHIT!
Bart: All right, you caught me. Speaking the plain truth is getting pretty damn dull around here.

---

Bart: [Mongo walks down the street past a mannequin-like, penny-arcade-style "gunslinger" - Bart's voice is distorted and seems to be coming from the penny-arcade machine] I'm the marshal in this here town, and you're nothin' but a big fat ferret.
[Mongo starts to pull his gun on the offending "marshal"]
Bart: Hold it! If you wanna draw on me, put a quarter in the machine.
[Mongo deposits a quarter in the appropriate slot]
Bart: Ready? Now draw on the count of three. One, two...
[Mongo is about to draw when the "marshal" falls away to reveal a cannon, which blasts Mongo in the face - we can now see that Bart has been throwing his voice with a bullhorn]
Bart: ... Three.

---

Bart: [dressed up as a carnival barker, Bart stands before a big sign, in front of the Rock Ridge town well] Step right up, ladies and gentlemen... and Mongos! Dive, dive, dive, for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy, leaving millions and millions of Spanish Dubloons at the bottom of the sea!
Mongo: [excited] Spanish balloons?
Bart: Right on!
Mongo: Mongo take chance!
Mongo: [Bart has dressed Mongo up in an antique diving suit, complete with helmet and hose] Hey, how Mongo get air?
Bart: [pointing out for him] From this wonderful antique pump. Good hunting!
Bart: [Mongo has reached the bottom of the well and is looking around at...? Above, Bart lets the pump stop] Time for my lunch break.
[a sign is lowered for Mongo: "For more air, deposit 25 cents"]

---

Lyle: How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart?
Taggart: [fans his hat in the air] I'd say you've had enough!

---

Taggart: What in the wide, wide world of sports is a-goin' on here?

---

Buddy's Singers: They hurt Buddy! Let's get 'em, girls!

---

[while Mongo is beating the hell out of a bar full of toughs, Bart walks in, dressed as a messenger boy and carrying a box]
Bart: Candygram for Mongo! Candygram for Mongo!
Mongo: Me Mongo.
Bart: Sign, please.
[Mongo grabs the paper and makes some rough scratches on it]
Bart: Thank you.
[He gives Mongo the box and walks out of the bar, putting his fingers in his ears]
Mongo: Mongo like candy.
[he opens the box - BOOM!]

---

Scared Mexican Man: Mongo! Santa Maria!

---

Lilly von Schtupp: Let's face it. Evewything below the waist... is kaput!

---

Lyle: Now, come on, boys! Where's your spirit? I don't hear no singin'. When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Go on, how 'bout a good ol' nigger work song?

---

Lyle: [railroad workers are singing "I Get A Kick Out of You"] Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that shit?

---

Lili Von Shtupp: Vhy don't you admit it? He's too much of man for you. I know. You're going to need an army to beat him! You're finished. Fertig! Verfallen! Verlumpt! Verblunget! Verkackt!

---

Charlie: Hey Bart, is it me or is the world rising?
Bart: I don't know, but whatever it is, I hate it.

---

Hedley Lamarr: [speaking to Boris out the window] Well, do your best.
[hits his head on the windowsill]
Hedley Lamarr: Ahh!

---

Townsman: [being dragged through the street] Well, that's the end of this suit.

---

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Holy underwear! Sheriff murdered! Innocent women and children blown to bits! We have to protect our phoney baloney jobs here, gentlemen! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately! Immediately! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!

---

Hedley Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.

---

Hedley Lamarr: As per your instructions, I'd like you to meet the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: I'd be delighted.
[extends his hand, then yanks it away on seeing Bart]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Wow!
[whistles, then drops his voice]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: I gotta talk to you. Come here.
[grabs Bart and pulls him aside]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a ni...
[turns and sees Bart]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Ha ha... wrong person. Forgive me. No offense intended.
[walks Bart back, then pulls Hedley aside]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a ni?

---

Hedley Lamarr: Elementary, cactus head.

---

Jim: I'd better sit up.
[struggles to straighten himself]
Bart: Need any help?
Jim: Oh... all I can get.

---

Bart: Checkmate.
Jim: What?
Bart: Checkmate.
Jim: Why, you devious son of a bitch.
[picking up his whiskey bottle]
Jim: Happy days.

---

Buddy Bizarre: Action! Oh, wait till I get out! Wait till I get out!

---

Jim: [Bart comes in after spending the night with Lili Von Stupp] Oh deary dear. Look what the cat dragged in.

---

Buddy Bizarre: [yells into the ear of an actor] WRONG!
[hits the actor in the head]
Buddy Bizarre: Watch me! It's so simple! Give me the playback! Watch me, faggots!

---

Buddy Bizarre: Is everybody ready?
[the actors answer with a heavily lisping "yethhhh"]
Buddy Bizarre: Sounds like steam escaping.

---

Jim: [to Bart] What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?

---

Bart: Hey, Charlie. What is it that's not exactly water and it ain't exactly earth?
Bart, Charlie: QUICKSAND!

---

Bart: Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?
Howard Johnson: We don't care if it's the first act of "Henry V," we're leaving!

---

Hedley Lamarr: Alright, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar, the time has come to act and act quickly.

---

Olson Johnson: [in the bar discussing Pastuer's possible cure] Never mind that shit! Here comes Mongo!

---

[after Taggart comes crashing through the commissary with food splattered all over him]
Cashier: Yankee bean soup, coleslaw, and tuna surprise.
[rings up register]

---

Governor William J. Le Petomane: We've gotta protect our phoney baloney jobs, gentlemen!

---

Hedley Lamarr: [to Lili Von Stupp] Shut up, you Teutonic twat!

---

Hedley Lamarr: [hurrying through the movie theater, he stops at the concession stand] Raisinettes!

---

Hedley Lamarr: [cuts in line at the theater] You dropped your beads.
Hedley Lamarr: [to the cashier, holding up an old student ID for a discount] One please... Uhh... Student?
Cashier: Are you kidding?
Hedley Lamarr: Pain in the ASS...

---

[as the townspeople point guns at Bart, the newly arrived sheriff]
Reverend Johnson: Gentlemen, gentlemen, allow not hatred to rule the day.
[holds up his Bible]
Reverend Johnson: As your spiritual leader, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say!
[Townspeople shoot the Bible, blowing it apart]
Reverend Johnson: [to Bart] Son, you're on your own.

---

Jim: Look at my hand.
[raises hand and holds it level]
Bart: Steady as a rock.
Jim: [raises his other hand, which is violently trembling] Yeah, but I shoot with this one.

---

Olson Johnson: [motivating the townspeople] What are we made of? Our fathers came across the prairies, fought Indians, fought drought, fought locusts, fought Dix... remember when Richard Dix came in here and tried to take over this town? Well, we didn't give up then... and by gum, we're not going to give up now!

---

Buddy's Singers: They've hit Buddy! Come on, girls!

---

Governor William J. Le Petomane: [pointing to a member of his cabinet] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy!
Hedley Lamarr: Give the Governor harrumph!
Politician: Harrumph!
Governor William J. Le Petomane: You watch your ass.

---

[Lamarr's posse rides up on Bart's diversion: a single tollbooth in the middle of the desert]
Taggart: "LePetomaine Thruway"? Now what'll that asshole think of next?
[turns to the posse]
Taggart: Has anybody got a dime?
[henchmen grumble, search their pockets]
Taggart: Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!

---

Reverend Johnson: [praying] O Lord, do we have the strength to carry off this mighty task in one night? Or are we just jerking off?
Townspeople: Amen.

---

Hedley Lamarr: Wait a minute... there might be legal precedent. Of course! Land-snatching!
[grabs a law book]
Hedley Lamarr: Land, land... "Land: see Snatch."
[flips back several pages]
Hedley Lamarr: Ah, Haley vs. United States. Haley: 7, United States: nothing. You see, it can be done!

---

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Gum Chewer: [chewing gum] Murder... armed robbery... mayhem...
Hedley Lamarr: Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?
Gum Chewer: [stops chewing] Nuff'm.
Hedley Lamarr: "Nuff'm", eh? Lyle!
Lyle: [searches the man's mouth] Gum!
Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.
Gum Chewer: [panicked] I didn't know there was going to be so many!
[Hedley shoots the gum chewer]
Jim: [hidden behind a rock] Boy, is he strict!

---

Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell is this?
Hedley Lamarr: This is the bill that will convert the state hospital for the insane into the William J. Le Petomane memorial gambling casino for the insane.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: [Standing up proudly] Gentlemen, this bill will be a giant step forward in the treatment of the insane gambler.

---

Hedley Lamarr: Lili. Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili... I cannot finds the words to truly express my joy at the rekindling of our association.
Lili Von Shtupp: Bullshit. What's the job?
Hedley Lamarr: I love it when you talk dirty.

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Hedley Lamarr: If you will just sign this, Governor. Right here.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Yes, yes. What the hell is it?
Hedley Lamarr: Well, under the provisions of this bill, we would snatch two hundred thousand acres of Indian land, which we have deemed unsuitable for their use at this time. They're such children.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Two hundred thousand acres? Two hundred thousand acres? What'll it cost, man, what'll it cost?
Hedley Lamarr: [brings out a carton of paddleballs] A box of these.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Are you crazy? They'll never go for it. And then again they might. Those little red devils... they love toys!

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