Luna Schlosser: Oh, I see. You don't believe in science, and you also don't believe that political systems work, and you don't believe in God, huh?
Miles Monroe: Right.
Luna Schlosser: So then, what do you believe in?
Miles Monroe: Sex and death - two things that come once in a lifetime... but at least after death, you're not nauseous.
[a 22nd century historian shows Miles a videotape of Howard Cosell]
Historian: We weren't sure at first what to make of this, but we developed a theory: we feel that when people committed great crimes against the state, they were forced to watch this.
Miles Monroe: Yes. That's exactly what it was.
Miles Monroe: When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies." She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a great dane.
Miles Monroe: I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.
Luna Schlosser: It's hard to believe that you haven't had sex for 200 years.
Miles Monroe: 204, if you count my marriage.
Miles Monroe: I haven't seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I'd been going all this time, I'd probably almost be cured by now.
Miles Monroe: Where am I anyhow, I mean, what happened to everybody, where are all my friends?
Dr. Aragon: You must understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly two hundred years.
Miles Monroe: But they all ate organic rice!
Miles Monroe: [about his robotic dog] Is he housebroken or is he going to leave batteries all over the floor?
Dr. Melik: This morning for breakfast he requested something called "wheat germ, organic honey and tiger's milk."
Dr. Aragon: [chuckling] Oh, yes. Those are the charmed substances that some years ago were thought to contain life-preserving properties.
Dr. Melik: You mean there was no deep fat? No steak or cream pies or... hot fudge?
Dr. Aragon: Those were thought to be unhealthy... precisely the opposite of what we now know to be true.
Dr. Melik: Incredible.
[Miles gets to look at some pictures to identify the people on them]
Miles Monroe: This was Josef Stalin. He was a communist, I was not too crazy about him, had a bad mustache, lot of bad habits. This is Bela Lugosi. he was, he was the mayor of New York city for a while, you can see what it did to him there, you know. This is, uhm, this is, uh, Charles DeGaulle, he, he was a very famous French chef, had his own television show, showed you how to make souffles and omelets and everything.
Luna Schlosser: I'm great physically. I got a Ph.D. in oral sex.
Miles Monroe: Yeah, they make you take any Spanish with that?
Luna Schlosser: Miles, do you know that "God" spelled backwards is "dog"?
Miles Monroe: So?
Luna Schlosser: It makes you think.
Miles Monroe: Luna, help me push the car.
Miles Monroe: This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.
Luna Schlosser: Sex is different now. There are no problems. Everyone is frigid now.
Miles Monroe: So all the men are impotent.
Luna Schlosser: Pretty much, except for those whose ancestors were Italian.
Miles Monroe: I knew there was something in that pasta.
Miles Monroe: I'm always joking, you should know that about me; it's a defense mechanism.
Miles Monroe: What kind of government you guys got here? This is worse than California!
Luna Schlosser: I think we should have had sex, but there weren't enough people.
Miles Monroe: Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don't think I'm up to a performance, but I'll rehearse with you, if you like.
Luna Schlosser: Okay. I just thought you might want to; they have a machine here.
Miles Monroe: Machine? I'm not getting into that thing. I, I'm strictly a hand operator; you know, I, I... I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own.
Luna Schlosser: You were screaming out different names in your sleep.
Miles Monroe: I was having sexual nightmares.
Luna Schlosser: What's it feel like to be dead for 200 years?
Miles Monroe: Like spending a weekend in Beverly Hills.
Miles Monroe: Look, you gotta be kidding. I wanna go back to sleep! If I don't get at least 600 years, I'm grouchy all day.
Dr. Melik: Why, they could torture you for months; what could you possibly tell them, you don't know anything...
Miles: Only my name, rank, serial number... and YOUR name...
Herald Cohen: That's deep! You're SO obviously influenced by McKuen.
[Miles holds a gun to a disembodied nose]
Miles Monroe: Don't take another step or the president gets it between the eyes.
Miles: You're a sucker. What you didn't realize is that you're dealing with one of the greatest minds you've ever seen.
Luna: Yeah, and his isn't so bad either!
Miles Monroe: We're here to see the nose. I hear it was running.
Miles Monroe: I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.
Miles Monroe: I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
Luna Schlosser: You have to give yourself up! They won't hurt you. They'll re-structure your brain.
Miles Monroe: Hey, nobody touches my brain; they may drop it. Then I'll talk like Mr. Lepidus who got hit by lightning.
Luna Schlosser: Please! I wanna go home! I'm getting a headache! I'm hungry! I haven't had a stress pill! I haven't had a bath in 7 hours! I'm telling you, I'm not accustomed to this!
Luna: Miles, I wrote a song about the revolution.
Miles Monroe: There's not going to be any revolution unless we stop the Aries Project.
Luna: Don't you worry about that; you just relax. Now, listen:
[Plays guitar and sings]
Luna: Rebels are we! Born to be free! Just like the fish in the sea!
Luna Schlosser: "Regis - register commies, not guns." What's that mean?
Miles Monroe: What?
Luna Schlosser: "Register commies, not guns."
Miles Monroe: Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. There was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
Luna Schlosser: Would you like to perform sex with me?
Miles Monroe: Perform sex? I don't think I'm up to performing, but I would rehearse with you if you'd like.
Miles Monroe: Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.
Miles Monroe: You remind me of Lisa Sorenson
Luna Schlosser: Who?
Miles Monroe: An old girlfriend from the village. A Trotskyite, who became a Jesus freak, and was arrested for selling pornographic connect-the-dot books.
Miles Monroe: My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!
Miles Monroe: I'm a clarinet player in 1973, I go into the hospital for a lousy operation, I wake up 200 years later and I'm Flash Gordon!