Jesus: Did I ever tell you I used to read feet?
Jeffrey: You used to... what?
Jesus: Some people read palms or tea leaves. I read feet. Look what it says!
[looks at Jeffrey's foot]
Jesus: Ahh, it says "Rejoice."
Jeffrey: [looking at his foot] It says "Keds."
Jesus: Consider the lilies of the field. They don't work. They don't spin. Yet I tell you - Solomon in all his splendor was not attired like one of these. Now, if that's how God clothes the grass, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown unto the fire, will He not all the more clothe YOU?
Jesus: How do you remove a speck of sawdust from your brother's eye when all the while there's a big plank in your own?
Judas: I don't know, how do you remove a speck of sawdust from your brother's eye when all the while there's a big plank in your own?
Jesus: You hypocrite!
[cry of confused alarm]
Jesus: First you take the plank out of your own eye so you can see clearly to remove the speck of sawdust from your brother's eye!
Judas: Wait a minute! That's no answer to the question!
Jesus: Did I promise you an answer to the question?
Judas: Ah... No.
Gilmer: [as Abraham with a Brooklyn accent] Look, if they don't listen ta Moses and the prophets, they ain't gonna listen ta NOBODY, even if somebody SHOULD rise from the dead!
Judas: Now what the Good Master is telling us all right now is that up in Heaven, there are about a hundred million little tiny angels about 'yea' by 'yea', and they all take shorthand. And every time you do something silly, they write it in a...
Jesus: No, no.
Judas: That's not what the Good Master is telling us?
Judas: Then the man they called Judas Iscariot went to the chief priests and said, "What will you give me to betray him to you?" They paid him thirty pieces of silver, and from that moment he began to look out for an opportunity to betray him.
Joanne: [Mae West impression] C'mere, Jesus, I've gotta somethin' to show ya!
John: Now, even the doggy-doggies used to come to Lazarus to lick his open running sores...
Jerry: [making a face] Blecch!
Gilmer: [as Abraham, with a Brooklyn accent] Remember my child, that all the good things fell ta you when you were on Earth, and all the bad things fell to Lois.
Jerry: [as Lazarus] Lazarus.
Gilmer: [as Abraham] Abraham! Glad ta know ya!
Jesus: Well, I have a question to ask you. Answer it, and I will tell you by whose authority I act. The Baptism of John - was it from God, or was it from man?
Pharisee Monster: [thinking] If we say "from God", then he will say, "Then why did you not believe?" But if we say "from men", the people will be angry, for they took John as a prophet.
Pharisee Monster: We do not know.
Jesus: Then neither will I tell you by whose authority I act!
Pharisee Monster: Now, we know you are an honest man. Give us your ruling on this: are we, or are we not permitted to pay taxes to the Roman emperor?
John: Why, you hypocrites, I...!
[Jesus and Merrell restrain him]
Jesus: [to Pharisee Monster] Show me the money in which the tax is paid.
[the Pharisee Monster spits coins at Jesus, who picks one up]
Jesus: Whose head is on here, whose inscription?
Pharisee Monster: Caesar's!
Jesus: Well, then, pay Caesar was is due Caesar, but pay God what is due God!
Pharisee Monster: What is the greatest Commandment of them all?
Jesus: Thou shalt love the Lord, youe God, with all your heart and your soul." This is the greatest Commandment of them all. The second is like it: "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." All the rest of the Law and what the prophets have written is based on these first two.
[Jesus verbally accosts the Pharisee Monster]
Jesus: [angry] You doctors of the Law, and you Pharisees sit in the chair of Moses, but you say one thing and you do another. Everything you do is done for show.
Jesus: Oh, you like to have your places of honor at feasts, and in the synagogues, and to be greeted respectfully, and to be called "teacher."
Jesus: But must not be called "teacher", for you have ONE teacher, the Messiah. And you must not call any man on Earth "Father", for you have ONE Father, and you are all BROTHERS!
[Lynne climbs down from a stage and rushes to Jesus. Gilmer, Robin, Joanne, Jeffrey, Merrell, Jerry and Katie follow]
Lynne: Master! Blessed are the poor in Spirit...
Jesus: For theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Gilmer: Blessed are they who mourn...
Jesus: For they shall be comforted.
Robin: Blessed are the meek...
Jesus: For they shall inherit the Earth.
Joanne: Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice...
Jesus: For the shall be filled.
Jeffrey: Blessed are the merciful...
Jesus: For they shall have mercy.
Merrell: Blessed are the pure in heart...
Jesus: For they shall see God.
Jerry: Blessed are the peace-makers...
Jesus: For they shall be called the children of God.
Katie: Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake...
Jesus: For theirs is the Kingdom of *heaven*!
[the others applaud]
Judas: [shouting from the distant stage] Blessed are ye... When men shall persecute you and revile you... and say all manner of evil against you...
[pauses then calms down]
John: I baptize you with water for repentance, but He that comes after me is mightier than I. I am not fit to take off His shoes. And He will baptize you all with the Holy Spirit and with fire!
Judas: You come to me?
Jesus: I want to get washed up.
Judas: I would rather be baptized by you.
Jesus: No, we do well now to comform with all that God requires.
Jesus: What if your brother sues you? You better settle with him quickly,
[Joanne tries to shake hands with Merrill, who spins oher over to Gilmer]
Jesus: otherwise he'll hand you over to the judge.
[She spins Joanne over to Jerry]
Jesus: And the judge to the constable.
Jesus: [Jerry bops her on the head]
Jesus: And you'll land in jail!
[Joanne is twirled into "jail"]
Joanne: [squeaks] Let me out of here!
Jesus: And I tell you, you'll not get out of there until you've paid the last penny.
Jesus: The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is sound, your whole body will be filled with light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be darkness. If then, the only light you have is darkness, the darkness will be doubly dark.
Jesus: Love your enemies and pray for your persecutors.
Jerry: You don't mean...
[he jerks his head at Lynne, who has him by the shirt front]
Jesus: I do.
Jerry: You do?
Jerry: I love you.
[she kisses him]
Merrell: There once was a king.
Everyone: Yeah yeah.
Merrell: Who decided to settle accounts with the men who served him.
Everyone: Yeah yeah yeah.
Merrell: Well at the outset there appeared before the master a man whose debt ran into the millions.
Merrell: I said the millions!
Merrell: Since the man had no means of paying the money the master ordered him to be sold to meet the debt with his wife.
Merrell: And his child.
Merrell: And everything he had, well the man threw himself down at the master's feet and went...
Everyone: Doo bop a loom boom!
Gilmer: [in a southern accent] Well, the other servants were deeply distressed when they saw what had happened. Are you sitting down? They ran and told their master the whole story, mm-hmm.
Gilmer: Accordingly he sent for the man.
Robin: You scoundrel!
Gilmer: He said to him!
Robin: I remitted the whole of your debt when you appealed unto me. Were you not bound to show your fellow servant the same pity I showed to you?
Jerry: And so angry was the master that he condemned the man to torture, until he could pay the debt in full.
Jesus: And that is how my Heavenly Father will deal with you, unless you forgive your brothers from you hearts.
Jesus: Now you have heard that they were told "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth", but what I tell you is this. Never set yourself against the man who wrongs you. So if someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn and offer him your left.
Judas: Oh Jesus Chr...
[Gilmer jumps on him and covers his mouth]
Everyone: Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch.
[Jesus slaps Judas]
Judas: [moves to hit Jesus and stops] Hello? It's for you,
[laughs but Jesus doesn't]
Judas: No, I didn't think so.
[turns his cheek]
Robin: [singing] Day by day, day by day, oh Dear Lord, three things I pray, to see Thee more clearly, love Thee more dearly, follow Thee more nearly, day by day.
Jeffrey: A man was on his way from Jerusalem to Jericho when he fell among robbers who beat him, stripped him and left, leaving him half dead. It so happened a priest came upon him, but when he saw him, he went past on the other side. So to, a judge came to the place, and saw him, and he went past on the other side. But a Samaritan was making the journey. He came upon him and when he saw him, he was moved to pity. he went up and bandaged his wounds, bathing them in oil and wine. Then he put him onto his own beast and brought him to and inn, and looked after him there. The next day he produced two pieces of silver and said "Look after him, and if you spend any more, I will repay on my way back".
Jesus: When you do some act of charity, don't announce it with a flourish of trumpets as the heathen do in synagogues and in the streets. I tell you they do it just to win admiration from men. No, when you do some act of charity, don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing. Your good deed must be done in secret.
[everybody huddles together]
Merrell: [to the camera] It's a secret.
Jesus: Your Heavenly Father who sees what is done in secret, He will what?
Everyone: Reward you!
Judas: One day the poor man died and was carried away by the angels to be with Abraham. The rich man also died and was buried and sent to Hades.
Robin: [nervously] Hello.
Judas: Where he was in torment.