[Columbo's car has been repaired. He's presented with the bill]
Lt. Columbo: That much, huh?
Shelly: Wasn't the parts so much as the time it took. It's not easy to work on a car in that condition.
Lt. Columbo: Will you take a check?
Shelly: You haven't got a credit card?
Lt. Columbo: I'm from the... uh... police. Lieutenant Columbo... uh.
[He struggles to get out his I.D]
Shelly: What, are you... uh... undercover or something?
Lt. Columbo: No, I'm underpaid.
Lt. Columbo: So far, sir, we don't have a thing.
Nelson Hayward: Well, that's heartening.
Lt. Columbo: Officially, that is.
Nelson Hayward: And unofficially?
Lt. Columbo: Unofficially, we don't have anything either.
Nelson Hayward: Uh, excuse me, Lieutenant, don't misunderstand. You're a very nice man, I like you very much, but I would hate to have to depend upon you if I was in a hurry for something.
Lt. Columbo: Geez, you know that's what my wife says...
Nelson Hayward: I'm sure she does. Get to the point, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Right.
Vickie Hayward: Sometimes you frighten me.
Nelson Hayward: What are you talking about?
Vickie Hayward: That act you put on.
Nelson Hayward: Act?
Vickie Hayward: Mm-hmm, when you heard about Harry's being dead.
Nelson Hayward: I was shocked!
Vickie Hayward: That's what frightens me! You were so convincing. I know how you despised him!
Nelson Hayward: Why, Lieutenant, are you considering a change of wardrobe?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, no, no. Oh, every once in a while I think about getting a new coat, but there's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fellow.
[pats trench coat]
Harris: You ever, uh, consider getting another car?
Lt. Columbo: I got another car. My wife drives it, but that's nothin' special. Just transportation.
Lt. Columbo: You know, isn't it funny the way people react under the stress of a situation?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, this other thing is a genuine puzzle. I don't see any answer to this one.
Nelson Hayward: Well, maybe I can help you.
Lt. Columbo: Let's hope so, sir.
Nelson Hayward: For your sake, or mine?
[Columbo remains silent]
Lt. Columbo: Murder's always depressin', but you get over it.
Vickie Hayward: [Sarcastically to Nelson] Don't tell me a little thing like Harry's getting murdered's enough to make you sleep at home tonight?
Dr. Perenchio: Take my advice, Lieutenant. Change your name, and don't bite down on anything hard.
Nelson Hayward: Someone is trying to kill me. Now, that is a fact, isn't it? I don't know what the police are up to. Harry was killed driving my car in my clothes and in my garage. Do I have to get gunned down in the streets before anybody believes it?
[Campaign manager Harry Stone insists that Congressional candidate Nelson Hayward leave his mistress]
Nelson Hayward: Harry, I need her!
Harry Stone: You don't need anybody but me! You can get rid of anybody but me, because I know where the bodies are buried, Nels. I buried 'em for you!
[Lt. Columbo wants to talk with Hayward but doesn't want to "inconvenience" him]
Nelson Hayward: No, no, no, no... let's understand something, Lieutenant: You see, you think I'm reluctant to talk to you, but you're wrong. I will talk to you as often as you want, for as long as you want, about anything you want.
Lt. Columbo: [taken aback] Oh. Oh, fine.
Lt. Columbo: Would you believe it? The first thing I did this morning when I left your campaign headquarters, I run right over to your tailor's.
Nelson Hayward: I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.
Lt. Columbo: Whattaya mean, sir?
Nelson Hayward: Uh, nothin'. It's a small joke.