Last of the Summer Wine (1973– )
[final line of the last-ever episode]
Norman Clegg: Have I locked the door?
[the boys are climbing a hill that provides a spectacular view of the surrounding countryside]
Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst: Every time I come up here, the spirit soars! You can't help thinking what a wonderful place it would be to set up a machine gun! Give me a small squad of hand-picked men and I could defend this place indefinitely!
Norman Clegg: How long have you been a nature lover, Foggy?
[Foggy is trying to get Howard in shape by leaping small walls]
Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst: It's people like you who make this country so rich in idiots.
[repeated line: to Glenda, when she asks a naive question]
Edie Pegden: Drink your coffee.
Howard: I bet they think we're up to something.
Marina: The thought does cross your mind.
Howard: I want you to know. I'd never do anything to compromise your reputation.
Marina: Not on a bicycle. I can see that.
Nora Batty: [angily] What are *you* doing, peering round corners?
Compo: Sssssh. Not so loud. There's a man assaulting a woman.
Nora Batty: [terrified] Where? Do something about it!
Compo: I can't.
Nora Batty: Why ever not?
Compo: [cheekily] He's not started yet!
[Compo tries to grope Nora]
[Compo has just hugged Nora Batty]
Compo: Doesn't tha feel anything?
Nora Batty: [puzzled] Like what?
Compo: Attraction. Physical attraction.
Nora Batty: Nora, tell me. What does tha see?
[Compo parades in front of Nora]
Nora Batty: I see you've got another hole in them trousers.
Ivy: You *do* realise you'll be representing your country.
Sid: No problem.
Ivy: We haven't been at war with France for ages. I suppose it had to end some time.
Ros: I was always saved from something serious by my tendency to giggle.
Marina: I must warn you - I'm only available for the next twenty-four hours.
[Nora Batty gives Compo a clip round the ear]
Compo: [indignantly] What was that for?
Nora Batty: That's before you start.
Compo: Eh, you're a bit touchy this morning.
[Compo has just died]
Truly: Are we going to see him?
Norman Clegg: I can see him, fooling about, hands in his pockets, dragging his wellies.
Truly: Are we going to see him before they close the lid.
Norman Clegg: Oh, I'm not so sure about that.
Truly: You'll be sorry. Besides, how often do you get to see something for nothing these days?
[at Compo's funeral, as "The Last Post" plays in the background, Clegg releases a pigeon called Gladys, with a harmonica strapped to its wings, in memory of Compo]
Norman Clegg: Mind how you go, Gladys. Best of luck from all us pigeons.
Auntie Wainwright: You don't think I've *always* been a grasping old woman.
[talking about Howard]
Pearl: He's in search of the silent bicycle. It's when they're quiet you know they're up to something.
Ivy: Anyway, you're allowed to be stupid at seventeen.
Pearl: You were never seventeen. You were forty when you were born.
[Wally can't pronounce the letter R]
Wally Batty: I'm wready. Yes, I'm wready.
Alvin: I keep acting like someone who's trying to hide a woman in the house.
Ivy: You can't just go digging in like a lunatic with that screwdriver.
Sid: Well pass me something sharper - like your tongue!
Compo: [plaintively] I've neglected her.
Norman Clegg: Sounds reasonable to me. If *I* had Nora Batty, *I'd* neglect her too.
Marina: Are you sure it's safe, Howard?
Howard: I wouldn't bring you anywhere where you weren't safe, love.
Marina: Well, you needn't go as far as that.
Compo: Norm, does tha think me magnetism could be slipping?
Norman Clegg: Don't ask me. I was a total failure at romance.
Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst: But you were married.
Norman Clegg: That's what did it!
Blamire: Now you wait here. It's not only me City and Guilds, it's the social chasm between us.
Compo: Hey, shurrup! Give us a fag and I'll give you a sniff of me socks!
Compo: It's just an ordinary dart.
Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst: It's not an ordinary dart. It's very far from being an ordinary dart. I've prepared it with something to make the creature sleep. Don't worry - I've seen the natives do this in the jungle.
Norman Clegg: Yeah, but they've got poisons growing in the jungle. What have you got?
Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst: The trained soldier learns to make do with whatever's available. You have to use whatever comes to hand.
Compo: All right. What is it tha soaks the darts in that's gonna put it to sleep.
Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst: Well, if you must know, it's Horlicks.
Compo: Why d'you think it is they won't let me go?
Truly: You've *been* shot at. Now it's somebody else's turn.
Compo: It's because they're ashamed of me. Because I'm scruffy.
Norman Clegg: I wouldn't say "scruffy". Would you say "scruffy"?
Truly: Yes, I'd say "scruffy".