- Linus van Pelt: If I'm elected, my first act as president will be to appear before the School Board.
- [Lucy whispers in his ear]
- Linus van Pelt: I'm sorry. I will not be able to appear before the School Board. They meet at 8:00, and I go to bed at 7:30.
- Schroeder: The candidate whose name I am presenting to the electorate possesses the same unique combination of qualities as those possessed by Beethoven, the greatest of all composers. That wonderful pianist, and that tower of strength. Linus is sort of like that, too.
- Lucy van Pelt: If you knew that Linus Van Pelt was running for president, would you vote for him?
- Russell: No.
- Lucy van Pelt: If you knew that he was going to straighten out the whole educational system, would you vote for him?
- Russell: No.
- Lucy van Pelt: If you knew that he was going to solve all of the problems of the whole world, would you vote for him?
- Russell: No.
- Lucy van Pelt: Well, why not?
- Russell: 'Cause I'm the one who'd be running against him.
- Linus van Pelt: If I'm elected student body president, I will purge the kingdom! My administration will release us from our spiritual Babylon! My andministration will bring down all false idols in high places!
- Schroeder: I wonder why the principal looks so pale.
- Sally Brown: Well, I hope you told him.
- Linus van Pelt: Well, not really. As a matter of fact, he told me.
- Sally Brown: He sold out! We elected him, and he sold out! They're all the same! Promises, promises! You elect them, and they weasel out of their promises!
- Lucy van Pelt: Do you have a question?
- Caller: Yes, I am a first time caller, but a long time listener. I want to know what the candidate plans to do about the rivers.
- Lucy van Pelt: Rivers? Our school doesn't have any rivers!
- Lucy van Pelt: I've just compiled the results of my poll. You'll never get elected, Charlie Brown. You have no way of winning. No way.
- [Sally and Charlie Brown come to a sign that reads, "School Bus Stop 100 Feet"]
- Sally Brown: I've been looking at that sign every day, and I finally figured out what it means. It means that the bus holds fifty kids. Each kid has two feet, right? One hundred feet means the bus holds fifty kids!
- Linus van Pelt: Boy, this auditorium is packed with teachers and kids.
- Lucy van Pelt: Shh! Schroeder is starting his nomination speech for you.
- Schroeder: I am here this morning to nominate for the office of school president a great young man. But first, I'd like to say a few words about Beethoven.
- Lucy van Pelt: Oh, good grief!
- Violet: I'm a reporter from our school paper, Linus. Would you care to tell us what you intend to do if you're elected?
- Linus van Pelt: I intend to straighten things out! We are in the midst of a moral decline! If I'm elected, my first act will be to meet with the parents club, the principal, and all the teachers! We're starting...
- Violet: I'll just put down that you're very honored and will do your best if elected.
- Linus van Pelt: The press is against me.
- Linus van Pelt: I decided to say a few words about the Great Pumpkin!
- Lucy van Pelt, Charlie Brown: AAAUGHH!
- Linus van Pelt: Halloween will soon be with us! And on Halloween night the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch and brings toys to all the good little children...
- [the entire auditorium laughs]
- Linus van Pelt: I've blown the election.
- Linus van Pelt: All right, say it! Say it! Go ahead and say it! I know you want to say it! I talked too much, and I blew the election; so go ahead and say it!
- Lucy van Pelt: OH, YOU BLOCKHEAD!
- Linus van Pelt: She said it.
- Linus van Pelt: If I'm elected school president, I will demand immediate improvements! I will demand "across the board" wage increases for custodians, teachers, and all administrative personnel! And any little dog who happens to wander onto the playground will *not* be chased away, but will be welcomed with open arms!
- [cut to Snoopy sitting in the audience applauding, cheering and wolf-whistling in agreement]
- Sally Brown: I'm never going to school again! I've had it!
- Charlie Brown: What's the matter, Sally? Why are you upset? Is your teacher giving you trouble again?
- Sally Brown: No, nothing's wrong with my teacher. She's a very nice person.
- Charlie Brown: Is it one of the classes?
- Sally Brown: No, the classes are okay.
- Charlie Brown: Are you having trouble with math? Don't you understand fractions and decimals?
- Sally Brown: No, I don't find it hard. In fact, I even got a hundred on my test yesterday.
- Charlie Brown: Are you having any trouble with the kids on the playground?
- Sally Brown: No, no, no. That's all right.
- Charlie Brown: Well, then, what's the trouble?
- Sally Brown: I can't get my stupid locker open!
- Sally Brown: What are you going to have for breakfast?
- Charlie Brown: Maybe I'll have a piece of toast. I'm never very hungry in the morning.
- Sally Brown: You can't go to school without a rousing breakfast. It's a known fact that all of our country's Presidents started each day with a rousing breakfast. I don't know how they managed to get together every morning, but I guess that's one of those things about government I don't understand.
- Charlie Brown: You have to remember that sometimes you have to tap the lock on the bottom to make it open. Some of these locks are kinda touchy. You have to make sure you dial the numbers just right. I had one once that I had to hit on the bottom before it would open.
- Sally Brown: Mine won't open because I can't reach it, that's why!
- Sally Brown: For show-and-tell today, I have a treat for you. I'm presenting my big brother. Now actually, he's my big brother only because he was lucky enough to be born first.
- [whispering to Charlie Brown]
- Sally Brown: Stand up straight! I'm trying to get an "A" in show-and-tell. Don't goof it for me!
- [out loud]
- Sally Brown: Actually, big brothers come in a variety of sizes and qualities. Anyway, this is my big brother, and I just thought I would present him to you today for show-and-tell.
- [takes a bow]
- Sally Brown: Thank you.
- Charlie Brown: [leaves Sally's class] That's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me my whole life.
- Joe Cool Singer: Joe Cool / Back in school / Hanging 'round the water fountain / Playing the fool / Joe Cool / Take it light / If the principal catches you / You out of sight... Take those shades off... Walking 'round the hall... Joe Cool / Making the rounds / Checking all the kiddies / Up and down / Joe Cool / Play it straight / If the principal catches you / It's gonna be too late... Yeah... Better learn to add now...
- Lucy van Pelt: Hello?
- Caller: Hello? I have a question. I want to ask this question and I want to talk to the candidate. Can I ask the candidate a question?
- Lucy van Pelt: Yes, the candidate is here.
- Linus van Pelt: Hello?
- Caller: Yes. Well, I have this question that I thought maybe if I called, I could ask you the question. Because I know that if you're going to vote for a candidate,
- [Snoopy yawns]
- Caller: I'm kind of glad that it's good that you're having a talk show like this. Because it's kind of nice that we can call in and ask our questions, because you really can't ask questions of candidates. I don't know how you can vote for somebody, and I'm glad that I have
- [Lucy grumbles]
- Caller: a chance to ask this question. And I hope you don't mind because I thought about this question, and I think it's good to be able to ask questions of a candidate.
- Lucy van Pelt: I have a question for *you.*
- Caller: Yes. What?
- Lucy van Pelt: What is your question?
- Caller: What? What did you say?
- Lucy van Pelt: What is your question?
- Caller: Question? Oh, my gosh! I forgot what the question is!
- [Lucy slams the receiver again in anger]
- Lucy van Pelt: Hello?
- Caller: Hello? Who is this?
- Lucy van Pelt: What do you mean "who is this"? Do you want to talk to the candidate?
- Caller: What? No. I'm calling Harold in St. Paul. Is Harold home? I wanna talk to Harold.
- Lucy van Pelt: You have the wrong number.
- Caller: Hello, hello? Am I on the air?
- Lucy van Pelt: Yes, you're on the air. What is your question?
- Caller: Well, y'know, I just called to, y'know... I have questions, y'know, and y'know how it is when you're voting, y'know, and y'know, I just wanted to ask. I just wanted to talk to the candidate, y'know, 'cause y'know how it is when you're going to vote for somebody, y'know. You sure like to talk them and feel how...
- [Lucy growls and slams the receiver]
- Lucy van Pelt: It's hard being a campaign worker. We're completely at the mercy of our candidate. We do all the work and the candidate gets all the credit. We ring doorbells, and make the posters, and build up the candidate's image, and then he says something stupid and ruins everything we've done. The next time I do any campaigning, it's gonna be for myself!
- Linus van Pelt: It's depressing to think that there are students who don't believe in the Great Pumpkin.