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Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972) Poster

Quotes

Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.

Fabrizio: [in Italian] For how long?

Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.

Fabrizio: [in Italian] How long with your wife?

Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds.

Fabrizio: [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!

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The Fool: My father! You who died in childbirth!

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Victor Shakapopulis: I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."

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The Fool: Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.

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The Operator: Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?

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The Operator: Think we're gonna have intercourse tonight?

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The Queen: Kiss me quick!

The Fool: Yes!... where is your quick?

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The Queen: Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.

The Fool: Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.

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[the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom]

The King: [to the Queen] Come, give me a kiss.

The Fool: 'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue.

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The Fool: With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!

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[the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress]

The Fool: Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?

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[Dr. Ross's wife has caught him in bed with a sheep wearing sexy black garters]

Mrs. Ross: [upset] How could you?

Dr Doug Ross: This is Mrs. Bencours, one of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep.

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[Dr. Ross is in divorce court]

Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.

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Gina: [in Italian] Fabrizio, go easy on my hymen.

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Gina: [in Italian] It was my first time. Did you like it?

Fabrizio: [in Italian] Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing.

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[Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited]

Fabrizio: [romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...

[a long time later, Gina is still insensitive]

Fabrizio: [sleepily, in Italian] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...

[Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her]

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Woods County Sheriff: [on radio] Be on the look out for a large female breast.

Victor Shakapopulis: It's about a 4000 with an X-cup.

Woods County Sheriff: About a 4000 with an X-cup.

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Helen Lacey: You're insane!

Dr. Bernardo: That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson for creating a 400-foot diaphragm. Contraception for the entire nation at once!

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Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.

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Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!

Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.

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Dr. Bernardo: In here I have twenty scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you.

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Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.

Victor Shakapopulis: How often does that problem come up with a hippo?

Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.

Victor Shakapopulis: But why? What good will this do anybody?

Dr. Bernardo: It'll show those fools who called me mad!

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The Operator: Attention gonads were going for seconds.

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The Girl: For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmitive, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.

The Operator: I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.

The Girl: I'm a graduate of New York University.

The Operator: We're gonna make it.

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Woods County Sheriff: Only one thing bothers me, though. That was a single. You're sure that was a single, now?

Victor Shakapopulis: That was a single, yeah.

Woods County Sheriff: Yeah, well, they usually travel in pairs.

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Victor Shakapopulis: Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?

Dr. Bernardo: Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.

Dr. Bernardo: Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...

[Victor makes hand gestures]

Dr. Bernardo: Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!

Victor Shakapopulis: Are we having dessert?

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The Queen: Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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