Victor Shakapopulis: I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."
The Fool: Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.
Fabrizio: [in Italian] For how long?
Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
Fabrizio: [in Italian] How long with your wife?
Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds.
Fabrizio: [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!
The Operator: Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?
The Operator: Think we're gonna have intercourse tonight?
The Fool: With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!
[the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress]
The Fool: Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?
[Dr. Ross is in divorce court]
Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.
The Queen: Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.
The Fool: Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.
[the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom]
The King: [to the Queen] Come, give me a kiss.
The Fool: 'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue.
[Dr. Ross's wife has caught him in bed with a sheep wearing sexy black garters]
Mrs. Ross: [upset] How could you?
Dr Doug Ross: This is Mrs. Bencours, one of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep.
Gina: [in Italian] It was my first time. Did you like it?
Fabrizio: [in Italian] Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing.
[Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited]
Fabrizio: [romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...
[a long time later, Gina is still insensitive]
Fabrizio: [sleepily, in Italian] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...
[Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her]
Woods County Sheriff: [on radio] Be on the look out for a large female breast.
Victor Shakapopulis: It's about a 4000 with an X-cup.
Woods County Sheriff: About a 4000 with an X-cup.
Helen Lacey: You're insane!
Dr. Bernardo: That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson for creating a 400-foot diaphragm. Contraception for the entire nation at once!
Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.
Dr. Bernardo: In here I have twenty scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you.
Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
Victor Shakapopulis: How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.
Victor Shakapopulis: But why? What good will this do anybody?
Dr. Bernardo: It'll show those fools who called me mad!
The Girl: For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmitive, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.
The Operator: I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.
The Girl: I'm a graduate of New York University.
The Operator: We're gonna make it.
Woods County Sheriff: Only one thing bothers me, though. That was a single. You're sure that was a single, now?
Victor Shakapopulis: That was a single, yeah.
Woods County Sheriff: Yeah, well, they usually travel in pairs.
Victor Shakapopulis: Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?
Dr. Bernardo: Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.
Dr. Bernardo: Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...
[Victor makes hand gestures]
Dr. Bernardo: Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!
Victor Shakapopulis: Are we having dessert?
The Queen: Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?
The Queen: Hark unto me! If my husband the King and my son the Doctor walketh near upon these paved paths and heareth what thou saist about copping a feel, thy life would not be worth a plugged nickel!
The Fool: But Madam, so beautiful do they lay there, one on either side!
The Queen: 'One on either side'?
The Fool: A matched set!
The Queen: That's the way they were made, Fool! Away with thee!
[She storms away knocking the Fool over]
The Fool: I fell on my bells!