Carry on Matron (1972)
Matron: [handing Sir Bernard envelopes] By the way - your mail.
Sir Bernard Cutting: Yes, I am! And I can prove it, d'you hear! Prove it!
Matron: I'm a simple woman with simple tastes, and I want to be wooed!
Sir Bernard Cutting: Ooh, you can be as 'wude' as you like with me!
Sir Bernard Cutting: I've got a problem.
Dr. Francis A. Goode: Haven't we all got a problem?
Sir Bernard Cutting: I can't do it lying down.
Dr. Francis A. Goode: Oh dear, you have got a problem!
[studying a plan of the hospital]
Ernie Bragg: My mum had me on top of a bus.
Sid Carter: I'm glad he told us that, makes the job much easier.
Ernie Bragg: Number 73, it was. Bang in the middle of Brixton High Street.
Sid Carter: Alright, alright, so you're a born traveller. Now will you shut up for a minute and listen.
[returning to plan]
Sid Carter: Now, as far as I can see, the only way we can get into the basement, here, is through the front door of the hospital, there.
Freddy: Can't be right.
Sid Carter: Why not?
Freddy: Number 73 don't go to Brixton.
Mr. Tidey: Well, what's happened?
Matron: I'm afraid it was another false alarm, Mr Tidey. You may as well go back to work.
Mr. Tidey: Go back to work? It was due three weeks ago.
Mr. Tidey: Well I'm sorry but babies tend to arrive when they feel like it. There's nothing we can do about it.
Mr. Tidey: That's a fine state of affairs, innit eh? We'd soon be in a right old mess if we ran the railways like that.
Matron: I was under the impression that you did.
Dr. Prodd: Name, please?
Miss Smethurst: Smethurst.
Dr. Prodd: Oh yes, I have some good news for you, Mrs Smethurst.
Miss Smethurst: Miss Smethurst.
Dr. Prodd: Oh, in that case I have some bad news for you.
Twitching Father: [returns from delivery room and picks up the telephone] Could you get me the Guinness Book of Records, please?
Dr. Prodd: Mrs. Tucker, isn't it? Now what can I do for you?
Mrs. Tucker: Well, I came to see you three months ago, because I was a little bit worried about my husband being able to have a baby.
Dr. Prodd: Yes, that's right, he's a bit older than you, isn't he?
Mrs. Tucker: Eighty-eight.
Dr. Prodd: Yes.
Mrs. Tucker: Well, if you remember, you suggested it might be a good idea to take in a lodger, you know, someone nearer my own age.
Dr. Prodd: [uncomfortably] Yes, well, purely off the record, of course.
Mrs. Tucker: Well, it worked! I'm pregnant.
Dr. Prodd: Oh! What about your husband?
Mrs. Tucker: Oh, he's tickled pink.
Dr. Prodd: And what about the lodger?
Mrs. Tucker: Well, that's the trouble. She's pregnant too!
Dr. Francis A. Goode: As a matter of fact I was talking to my wife only the other day. "Hamlet," I said... I call her Hamlet because she thinks she's a Great Dane. Isn't it silly?
Sir Bernard Cutting: Dr Goode, I am not interested in your wife.
Dr. Francis A. Goode: That's a funny thing. Neither am I.