Quotes

[clutching his chest dramatically]

Fred Sanford: Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you honey.

Lamont Sanford: That's the way it used to be, Pop, now adays they give you one of them needles and you don't even know what hit you.

Fred Sanford: Oh, now I know I ain't going.

Lamont Sanford: Why not?

Fred Sanford: Are you kidding? A needle. I don't wanna get hooked on that stuff. It'd change me from Friendly Fred to Junkie Joe.

Bubba: The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the grouchy father, the dumb son, the ugly sister in-law and the stupid, bungling friend

[looks at Grady]

Grady: [sarcastically] Your too hard on yourself Bubba.

Fred Sanford: I still want to sow some wild oats.

Lamont Sanford: At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.

Fred Sanford: We could have a little pork and beans now and a little zucchini later. Or a little zucchini now and a little pork and beans later. Or if you like the pork and beans, you can have them and I'll take the zucchini or I can take the pork and beans and you the zucchini so what will it be? Zucchini or pork and beans?

Lamont Sanford: The oven don't work.

Fred Sanford: Oh, in that case, we'll have some cold pork and beans now or...

Lamont Sanford: Would you stop that?

Fred Sanford: My name's Fred Sanford. That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.

Melvin: Did you listen to your father?

Fred Sanford: Every time he raised that strap, he had my complete attention.

Lamont Sanford: When a person has three heart attacks, he's dead. You had fifteen.

Fred Sanford: On behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat?

Aunt Esther: Oh I wouldn't mind a little snack.

Fred Sanford: Son, go in the kitchen and fix your Aunt Esther a fish-head sandwich!

Fred Sanford: Goodbye, dear

Aunt Esther: Oh, you called me dear.

Fred Sanford: Why shouldn't I call you DEER? You look like Bambi's father!

Fred Sanford: For $500 dollars, I can turn Yewell Gibbons into a meatloaf freak!

Aunt Esther: What's wrong with my posture?

Fred Sanford: It's full of prune pits!

Fred Sanford: Who is it?

Aunt Esther: It's Esther!

Fred Sanford: Esther who?

Aunt Esther: You know Esther who! Open this door fool!

Fred Sanford: I can't open the door!

Aunt Esther: Why not?

Fred Sanford: You too ugly!

Lamont Sanford: These two Russian seismologists said they've discovered a new fault.

Fred Sanford: Well what was wrong with the old one?

Fred Sanford: Looky here. This is the bedroom.

[Slams door]

Fred Sanford: Second bedroom.

[Slams door]

Fred Sanford: Sun room.

[Slams door]

Fred Sanford: Bathroom.

Lamont Sanford: HEY!

Fred Sanford: Excuse me.

[Slams door]

Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down.

Fred Sanford: And this Louisville slugger will knock you out.

Fred Sanford: Ain't you got some work to do, Oleo?

Julio: The name is Julio, Mr. Stanford.

Fred Sanford: It's "Sanford", Julio.

Julio: Okay, then.

Fred Sanford: Why don't you clean your yard up? Go take a bath. Go milk your goat.

Julio: I did all that this morning, man.

Fred Sanford: Well, why don't you go back to Puerto Rico?

Julio: Mr. Sanford, I told you. I come from New York City. And I can live in any 50 states that I want.

Fred Sanford: Well, how about Alaska? That's a state.

Fred Sanford: For a dummy, you make a lot of sense.

Grady Wilson: Don't you go in my room by mistake, cause if I pull back them covers and see you I might have a stroke and die.

Aunt Esther: The next time you see that creep Woodrow, you tell him his behind is grass... and I am the lawnmower.

[Referring to Donna and Esther, respectively]

Fred Sanford: Here are my two most favorite characters from a fairy tale: Beauty and the Beast.

Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, you have been sinning and transgressing all your life. If the Lord wanted to strike you down, he'll find ya. Even if you were going to Las Vegas.

Julio: Buenos Dias, Mr. Sanford.

Fred Sanford: And beans and disease to you, too.

[repeated line]

Fred Sanford: How would you like one across yo lip?

[repeated line]

Fred Sanford: You big dummy.

Fred Sanford: [to Aunt Esther] I warn you, woman, vengeance is among me! And ugly is among you.

Girl #1: [Fred has put up Lamont's room for rent while he's in Mexico. A pregnant woman knocks on his door to request the room] Hello!

Fred Sanford: [looks at her stomach] Hello to both of you.

Fred Sanford: Oooo... Its the Big One... You hear that Elizabeth... I'm comin' to you, I'm comin' home to Georgia

Officer Swanhauser: Was the suspect colored?

Fred Sanford: Yeah, white.

Lamont Sanford: This house was always damp, even my bed was damp.

Fred Sanford: Now you can't go blaming that on me.

Officer Smith: Relax, he's cool.

Officer Swanhauser: The report does not confirm body temperature.

Fred Sanford: Some people just shake'n bake, but I buy'n fry.

Officer Hopkins: When we're finished, people will be able to walk down the streets safely in Los Angeles.

Fred Sanford: Yeah they can walk in Los Angeles, but they'll still be running in Watts.

Fred Sanford: Don't cut your leg on any rusty metal. Know what happens when you cut your leg on rusty metal?

Jason: No.

Fred Sanford: You get lock-jaw, then you can't eat no fat burgers.

Lamont Sanford: This is a pea coat.

Bubba: Did you know that when you bought it?

TV Announcer: Coming up next is a new show about today's teenagers entitled, "All in the Family Way".

Fred Sanford: What?

Fred Sanford: This is a real Chinese restaurant, isn't it?

Lamont Sanford: No, it's a pizza parlor. Of course it's a Chinese restaurant.

Fred Sanford: I can't eat here. I can't eat that Chink food.

Fred Sanford: Hey, what do you have against black drivers? Why don't you ever arrest any white drivers?

Policeman: I do.

Fred Sanford: Well, where are they? I don't see any. Look at all these niggers up in here. There's enough niggers in here to make a Tarzan movie

Fred Sanford: Who is it?

Lamont Sanford: It's the phone company. They say that if we don't pay the bill, they're gonna cut it off.

Fred Sanford: Gimmie that. Hello? Yes, this is Fred Sanford. Yeah, the phone is listed in my name. Say listen, what makes you folks think you can call me and cut somebody's phone off just because they're a little behind in their bill? Listen, I need my phone for my place of business. That's right, I wish one of you would come over here and try to cut my phone off. I'd put my foot in your - Hello?

Fred Sanford: [sees Esther in the Sanford Arms] No animals allowed in here.

Aunt Esther: Why you...

Mrs. Hopkins: [to Esther] Let me handle this.

Mrs. Hopkins: [to Fred] Watch it, sucka!

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: We better get down to the Nifty Grifty.

Lamont Sanford: Nitty Gritty!

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: Nitty Gritty.

Fred Sanford: That's what they do. Them welfare people look under your bed, down your throat and up your mattress. And while they're prowling, your stomach's growling.

Lawyer: We may have to go all the way to the highest court in the land.

Fred Sanford: All the way.

Lawyer: And you're willing 100%?

Fred Sanford: All the way. See, this is America, where a right makes might, where justice is blind, where law is king, where a man should be able to persue his democratic right no matter what it costs him in time, effort and/or money.

Lawyer: Okay, I'll need about $10 to file the complaint.

Fred Sanford: I'll drop the case.

Skeeter Matthews: You must be Poppa Sanford.

Fred Sanford: No, I'm Mama Cass.

[Bubba pretends to be Blind Mellow Jelly's son]

Bubba: I want my daddy's records.

Officer Hopkins: The reception in the squad car was terrible. We couldn't pick up anything but police calls.

Lamont Sanford: The first signs of marijuana use are the hungries, or munchies.

Grady Wilson: Weren't they in The Wizard of Oz?

Lamont Sanford: That's Munchkins.

Donna Harris: Where are you going?

Fred Sanford: [drunk] St. Louis. On the banks of the Misississippi. M-I-S... I-S-S... M-O-U-S-E.

Fred Sanford: Listen, Son, I kow everything that's going on here and that's your business.

Lamont Sanford: I was hoping you'd understand...

Fred Sanford: If you wanna be down here with that girl, that's your business. I mean, if you wanna be hugging and kissing all night, that's your business.

Lamont Sanford: I appreciate it...

Fred Sanford: But when she smacks your face and the police come here and arrest me for harboring a sex maniac, then that's MY business. So you get her the hell out of here.

Lamont Sanford: [about his cologne] It's called "A Day in Paris".

Fred Sanford: Smells more like "A Night in El Segundo".

Officer Hopkins: How do you spell that, Honkey?

Fred Sanford: Uh Y T!

Officer Hopkins: Y T?

Fred Sanford: Yeah! Say it again!

Officer Hopkins: Y T Y T...

Fred Sanford: Whitey!

Fred Sanford: [a Mexican man takes the stand] I'll bet he got a speeding ticket. See, when Mexicans finally get their cars started, they gotta get where they're going real fast before their car stalls again.

Fred Sanford: [in court] Look at the judge. He's a brother. We lucked out.

Fred Sanford: I told you, I don't want no dentist to be fooling around in my mouth.

Lamont Sanford: Why not?

Fred Sanford: Because they make me nervous. All them drills and chisels and screw drivers they be sticking down your mouth. They don't even care if they hurt you or not, they just yank you and thank you.

Fred Sanford: I'll do it, but on one condition.

Lamont Sanford: And that is?

Fred Sanford: I want a white dentist.

Lamont Sanford: What did you say?

Fred Sanford: You heard me, I want a white dentist.

Lamont Sanford: Well what makes you think you're going to get a black dentist?

Fred Sanford: You said it was a free clinic, didn't you? Where you think you're gonna find a black dentist? In Beverly Hills?

Lamont Sanford: Wasn't you the guy who told me once that you didn't want nothing white but milk?

Fred Sanford: Well my tooth wasn't hurting then. I want the best available dentist for my tooth. Now just by coincidence, the best dentist schools are of the white people, by the white people, and for the white people. Now don't it seem likely that the best dentist would be white? White dentist, please?

[Dr. Rogers, an African American dentist whom Fred had earlier shunned, enters]

Fred Sanford: Hello, brother.

Dr. Rogers: Now, Mr. Sanford, if you'll open your mouth nice and wide, so I can get your foot out first!

Fred Sanford: Nope that's not Elizabeth. Too young, Too white.

Aunt Esther: Shut up, foo!

Officer Hopkins: Well, we better divide.

Officer Smith: That's SPLIT!

Lamont Sanford: Don't be ridiculous, Pop, you can't fight a traffic ticket.

Fred Sanford: I'm not being ridiclous. You are. Now look, you get a ticket by a white cop in a blue uniform in a black neighborhood, making you so mad you see red. And you ain't gonna fight it 'cause you too yellow. Now what are you? A man or a box of crayons?

Fred Sanford: My my poor couch. I bet you never been sat on by a buffalo!

Aunt Esther: Now Fred

Fred Sanford: Yes Sir?

Aunt Esther: Your neice is in town.

Fred Sanford: What neice?

Aunt Esther: WHAT NEICE? YOU'R ONLY NEICE and she is here to go to college.

Fred Sanford: What is fried Won Ton?

Waiter: Chinese kreplah.

Fred Sanford: Oh I ain't gonna eat that. That stuff'll kill you.

Fred Sanford: [on the phone; In Japanese accent] I calling to tell you that we are not going to buy any property in your brock for the brewery and it's not Fled's "flault". No, it's not Fled's "flault"... Fled. Fled! FRED, you big, dumb Puerto Rican!

[hangs up]

Fred Sanford: Take out the trash Rollo.

Rollo Larson: Where is it Mr. Sanford?

Fred Sanford: It's in your shoes!

Aunt Ethel: [to Fred] How could you do this Fred? I remember the day you married my sister.

Fred Sanford: [sees Esther] There's got to be some mistake. This is not my Lena, this is someone's hyena.

Fred Sanford: A pool table like this in a store would cost you two hundred bucks.

Otis: Well how much do you want for it?

Fred Sanford: Two hundred bucks.

Otis: I thought that's what you said it would cost in a store.

Fred Sanford: Well, wha'choo think I'm runnin' here? A taco stand?

Lamont Sanford: Look at this, Pop. Monday morning - bingo. Tuesday evening - Doctor Talbot's lecture on the cause and cure of constipation.

Fred Sanford: Wednesday morning - bingo!

Lamont Sanford: Would you like a drink, Aunt Esther?

Fred Sanford: No, she wouldn't like a drink.

Aunt Esther: Why wouldn't I like a drink?

Fred Sanford: Because you *are* a drink... a Zombie.

Aunt Esther: Fred, I need your help.

Fred Sanford: But, Esther, I'm a junkman, not a plastic surgeon.

Aunt Esther: But, Fred, I need your truck.

Fred Sanford: I agree. Son, take the truck and run over Esther's face.

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: [Hoppy and Jones are taking the TV set that was Grady's to the TV repair man that was robbed] We gotta crack.

Officer Jones: Split!

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: Split.

[repeated line]

Aunt Esther: Fish-eyed fool!

Fred Sanford: [Lamont is recovering from over-drinking] You were so drunk last night, you hung your clothes up in the closet!

Lamont Sanford: I always hang my clothes up in the closet.

Fred Sanford: Yeah, but usually you take 'em off!

Fred Sanford: [there's a knock at the door]

[to Lamont]

Fred Sanford: It's the door.

Lamont Sanford: [sarcastically] No kidding.

Fred Sanford: Well?

Lamont Sanford: Well, what?

Fred Sanford: You want me to answer it?

Lamont Sanford: No, have it framed and hang it on the wall.

Grady: Oh, hi... um... uh... who are you?

Aunt Esther: Esther, fool.

Grady: Hi, Estherfool.

[Fred has fallen asleep while writing out his will. Lamont goes beside of Fred, which wakes him]

Fred Sanford: And the tall dummy I see before me, I leave to the San Francisco Zoo!

Fred Sanford: [to Lamont about his date] She's a lush and you a dummy. My granbaby will be a lummy