Florida Evans: [on Maude's new facelift] You may be looking at a brand new face, but you'll still be hearing the same old mouth.
Salesman: I'm hoping to get accepted in one of the big eastern universities.
Maude Findlay: Well before you think about college, you should learn to read. That sign says 'No Solicitors'.
Maude Findlay: God'll get you for that, Walter.
Maude Findlay: When he says wife, he means possession.
Walter Findlay: So what, Maude? You told me a hundred times you want to be possessed.
Maude Findlay: Walter Findlay, I never said that standing up and you know it.
Maude Findlay: Walter, if you don't want my daughter and my only grandchild living here with us just tell me.
Walter Findlay: And...?
Maude Findlay: And I'll rip your heart out.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: No offense Maudie, but I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole.
Maude Findlay: No offense Arthur, but that's the only way you'd EVER touch me.
Maude Findlay: Francie, this is Florida. My dear, dear friend, probably the best friend I have in the whole world.
Florida Evans: I'm the maid.
Maude Findlay: [referring to Carol's ample bosom] To think I bought you your first training bra. Look how you've broken training.
Maude Findlay: [to Walter] You know your red tie makes you look like Dan Rather... Of course, your paisley tie makes you look like Morley Safer. I think it's safer to look like Rather - unless you'd rather look like Safer.
Walter Findlay: People communicate only when they are being themselves. One does not get through to someone by being something other than what one is.
Maude Findlay: That's a lovely speech, Walter, very lovely. Remind me when we have time, to record it on tape so I can accidentally erase it.
Maude Findlay: [Answering the phone] Hello? No, this is not Mr. Findlay. This is Mrs. Findlay. Mr. Findlay has a mustache.
Walter Findlay: [arguing with Maude because she agrees the housekeeper should keep her maiden name after she's married] Well, if you feel that way, why didn't you keep your maiden name when we got married?
Maude Findlay: Because by the time we got married I couldn't remember it!
Maude Findlay: [Holding up her high school cheerleading sweater, which has an "M" on the front] I can remember when the "M" covered my whole chest.
Walter Findlay: Now, you have enough room to spell out "MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY".
Walter Findlay: [after giving Walter an uncooked chicken after an argument] That chicken is frozen.
Maude Findlay: You think that's frozen, wait and see what you get in bed tonight.
Maude Findlay: [at a party where they all dress as their favorite year] Mrs. Naugatuck, what was your favorite year?
Mrs. Nell Naugatuck: Well, I don't know what my favorite year is, but I can tell you my least favorite. 1492.
Maude Findlay: 1492? Why 1492?
Mrs. Nell Naugatuck: Because if Columbus hadn't discovered this flipping country, I wouldn't be working here tonight!
Maude Findlay: Florida, if we wanted Geraldine we'd get Flip Wilson.
Walter Findlay: I finally got him to stop.
Maude Findlay: Gently, I hope.
Walter Findlay: Of course. I told him to shut the hell up.
Vivian Harmon: [after Walter has a heart attack, he pretends that he is feeble so Maude will feel sorry for him. He attempts to do some knitting] Arthur, what about S-E-X?"
Maude Findlay: SEX? Vivian, he can hardly K-N-I-T.
Maude Findlay: [Maude catches Walter with another woman] Walter, you son of a bitch.