Maude Findlay: Walter, if you don't want my daughter and my only grandchild living here with us just tell me.
Walter Findlay: And...?
Maude Findlay: And I'll rip your heart out.
Florida Evans: [on Maude's new facelift] You may be looking at a brand new face, but you'll still be hearing the same old mouth.
Salesman: I'm hoping to get accepted in one of the big eastern universities.
Maude Findlay: Well before you think about college, you should learn to read. That sign says 'No Solicitors'.
Maude Findlay: When he says wife, he means possession.
Walter Findlay: So what, Maude? You told me a hundred times you want to be possessed.
Maude Findlay: Walter Findlay, I never said that standing up and you know it.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: No offense Maudie, but I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole.
Maude Findlay: No offense Arthur, but that's the only way you'd EVER touch me.
Maude Findlay: Walter, if you lay one hand on that kid then all your friends will be dressed in black and driving with their lights on.
Maude Findlay: Francie, this is Florida. My dear, dear friend, probably the best friend I have in the whole world.
Florida Evans: I'm the maid.
Maude Findlay: Let me guess, you're...
Francie Potter: Little Black Riding Hood.
Walter Findlay: People communicate only when they are being themselves. One does not get through to someone by being something other than what one is.
Maude Findlay: That's a lovely speech, Walter, very lovely. Remind me when we have time, to record it on tape so I can accidentally erase it.
Maude Findlay: [Answering the phone] Hello? No, this is not Mr. Findlay. This is Mrs. Findlay. Mr. Findlay has a mustache.
Walter Findlay: Maude, did you wreck the car again?
Maude Findlay: Did you hear that, everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not "Maude, are you sick?" Or "Maude, are you unhappy?" Or even, "Maude, are you pregnant?" No, "Maude, did you wreck the car again?"
Walter Findlay: You're right, darling. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry. So tell me, are you sick?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you unhappy?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you pregnant?
Maude Findlay: Yes.
Arthur Harmon: Where is Hattie being laid out?
Maude Findlay: MacDonald's.
Arthur Harmon: MacDonald's?
Maude Findlay: Arthur, it's a funeral home on Main Street. Next to the Burger King.
Arthur Harmon: I'll meet you all there later. I think it's nice that Hattie is at MacDonald's. She deserves a break today.
Maude Findlay: [Holding up her high school cheerleading sweater, which has an "M" on the front] I can remember when the "M" covered my whole chest.
Walter Findlay: Now, you have enough room to spell out "MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY".
Maude Findlay: God'll get you for that, Walter.
Walter Findlay: [after giving Walter an uncooked chicken after an argument] That chicken is frozen.
Maude Findlay: You think that's frozen, wait and see what you get in bed tonight.
Florida Evans: [During Florida's interview for the maid job] Now, the first week'll be on a trial basis.
Maude Findlay: Oh, Florida, don't be ridiculous, you're not on trial.
Florida Evans: I know - you are.
Maude Findlay: Florida, if we wanted Geraldine we'd get Flip Wilson.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: [Looking at Maude's black eye] If the "Our Gang" comedies ever come back, you could be the dog.
Maude Findlay: And if Mister Ed ever comes back, there'd be a part for you. I'm not talking about the part that talks.
Francie Potter: Hey, Fat Mama, whatcha gonna do wit' my bags?
Florida Evans: You call me 'fat mama' again and I'll show you what I'm gonna do with them.
Maude Findlay: Well, well, well, you two are having a real old fashioned bull session?
Florida Evans: Yeah, a lotta bull but not much session.
Maude Findlay: [about stuffed dog] How do you like our little puppy? It's been in the family for years.
Francie Potter: Then you should take the price tag off.
Walter Findlay: I finally got him to stop.
Maude Findlay: Gently, I hope.
Walter Findlay: Of course. I told him to shut the hell up.
Maude Findlay: [drunk] You really want to know? "Who is Mrs. Dubonay?" You ask? Well I have a better question, Arthur Harmon, who is you? Who is any of us?
[breaking into song]
Maude Findlay: "Whooooooooooo is Syyyyylvia..."
Vivian Harmon: [after Walter has a heart attack, he pretends that he is feeble so Maude will feel sorry for him. He attempts to do some knitting] Arthur, what about S-E-X?"
Maude Findlay: SEX? Vivian, he can hardly K-N-I-T.
Maude Findlay: Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Dubonay is a visitor from a far-off land. She is a proud native of a newly emerging black nation.
Florida Evans: Yeah, Harlem.
Maude Findlay: I want you to consider this your home.
Florida Evans: I got a home.
Maude Findlay: You can say that again.
Carol Traynor: Maude's as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers.
Carol Traynor: That doesn't sound like you, Walter.
Walter Findlay: I heard that on Hee Haw.
Maude Findlay: I'm as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. Don't look at me, I heard it on The Dean Martin Show.
Carol Traynor: She's as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. What? I just thought it was my turn.
Arthur Harmon: That's a good joke. I heard it on Sonny and Cher.
Maude Findlay: If you don't get back at all, we'll understand.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: I know that, Maudie, that's why i'm coming back if it kills me.
Maude Findlay: On those terms, I'll accept.
Maude Findlay: How can I have a party for a black guest of honor and not have one single black guest?
Carol Traynor: Maybe you should've invited two black couples, Maude.
Walter Findlay: That's right, Maude, you should always have a back-up black.
Maude Findlay: [Skyward] Please, if you really do exist, get him soon.
Maude Findlay: And here is the pièce de résistance: a poster of Isaac Hayes. They say that John Denver is very big now too, but unfortunately he's white.
Florida Evans: Oh, poor devil.
Francie Potter: [On the phone] Hello, Mama? Sure I'm here. What you think I'm calling for? Mama, you said to call when I got here. I got here, I'm calling. Goodbye.
Francie Potter: Damn.
Maude Findlay: Francie, I hope you're hungry. We're having fried chicken for dinner.
Francie Potter: Good, I win a buck.
Maude Findlay: You win a buck?
Francie Potter: I bet that dumb brother of mine that you'd have fried chicken for me the first thing off.
Maude Findlay: Ha ha ha. I love a person with a sense of humor. Excuse me. Carol, for Heaven's sake, go into the kitchen and throw out the grits.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: [Vivian gives a deceased woman back a brooch Arthur took from her] How could Vivian do such a thing?
Maude Findlay: Don't worry, Arthur. Hattie will give it back to Agnes. She's bound to run into her down there.
Maude Findlay: As far as I'm concerned, you can freeze your butt off till it turns blue.
Vivian: I've never actually seen a body that wasn't alive before.
Maude Findlay: Vivian, what are you talking about? You've been married to Arthur for three years.
Maude Findlay: [referring to Carol's ample bosom] To think I bought you your first training bra. Look how you've broken training.
Maude Findlay: [Maude catches Walter with another woman] Walter, you son of a bitch.
Maude Findlay: [to Walter] You know your red tie makes you look like Dan Rather... Of course, your paisley tie makes you look like Morley Safer. I think it's safer to look like Rather - unless you'd rather look like Safer.
Walter Findlay: [arguing with Maude because she agrees the housekeeper should keep her maiden name after she's married] Well, if you feel that way, why didn't you keep your maiden name when we got married?
Maude Findlay: Because by the time we got married I couldn't remember it!
Maude Findlay: [at a party where they all dress as their favorite year] Mrs. Naugatuck, what was your favorite year?
Mrs. Nell Naugatuck: Well, I don't know what my favorite year is, but I can tell you my least favorite. 1492.
Maude Findlay: 1492? Why 1492?
Mrs. Nell Naugatuck: Because if Columbus hadn't discovered this flipping country, I wouldn't be working here tonight!