Latigo: This your office?
Doc Schultz: I doctor pack mules, too. If you got a pain in the ass, you come see Doc Schultz.
Taylor Barton: If I'd know you were going to send this pipsqueak against a man like Swifty Morgan...
Colorado: Now look, Mr. Barton, I can't help it...
Taylor Barton: Don't take offense, lad. But after all, you've never killed anybody outside of this county. You're just local stuff.
Jug: You know, I may not have too much of a chance with Swifty Morgan. But suppose I down him?
Latigo: Well, suppose you don't? And the odds are a thousand to one you won't. Well, you'll just end up an unknown character under a wooden cross on Boot Hill.
Jug: Well, everybody winds up dead sooner or later.
Latigo: Well, the smart ones try to postpone it as long as possible.
Bud Barton: You couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a banjo!
Doc Schultz: Patience, you got to stop shooting at people. You know something? If you wasn't such a terrible shot, there wouldn't be a young man alive in all of Purgatory. I heard you shot at Elmer Price in the lobby of the hotel yesterday evening.
Patience: Well, he asked me to marry him!
Doc Schultz: You think that's reason enough to shoot at a man?
Taylor Barton: [Ordering his son to take Patience home] Take her home, Oroville. And don't let her stop by the Chinaman's for a beer! She gets mean when she drinks!
Taylor Barton: [Kewpie dolls hit the street in front of the Bartons] What in heaven's name are these?
Bud Barton: That's a Kewpie doll. I won one of them once at the State Fair, time I went to Denver all by myself.
Patience: And got rolled by some floozy!
Bud Barton: Aw, shut up...
Taylor Barton: [Latigo has just left] Doc!
Doc Schultz: Yeah!
Taylor Barton: Who was that fella?
Doc Schultz: None 'o your business! And speakin' 'o business, all you mine owners are a despicable lot. You keep hirin' people to kill people that other people hire people to kill your people. And on top 'o that you go elsewhere with your medical business and I have to doctor jackasses just to make ends meet. Now git outta' here, I got business to attend to!
Taylor Barton: Anybody ever tell you you've got a ROTTEN bedside manner?
Doc Schultz: Out!
Taylor Barton: And you talk too much! And I can't understand you!
Latigo: [Annoyed that Jug has just used up the 100 dollars he had given him earlier, including giving much of it to some woman] You gave her the money?
Jug: Seemed like the thing to do...
Latigo: But, you idiot! Don't you know that's the surest way to make an enemy out of a woman, givin' her money?
Jug: [Confused] It is?
Latigo: Oh, I learned that a long time ago.
Taylor Barton: [Upon seeing Lat Smith and Jug] Young man, about that job I want you to do...
Latigo: [Annoyed] I told you not to bother me, mister.
Jug: [Eagerly] The man said something about a job!
Latigo: I don't like work. It tires me out.
Latigo: A man's gotta' be numb on both ends to earn his livin' sittin' on a horse. I just don't like horses.
Patience: [Trying on a showy dress that Abigail has given her] Ya' think... ya' think I look like a lady of the evening?
Abigail: Wha... What's a "lady of the evening"?
Patience: Oh, Miss Abigail, you DO lead a sheltered life!
Jug: He called me "Swifty."
Latigo: Yeah, that's short and friendly for Swifty Morgan. That's who they think you are. And they're willin' to PAY to back up that mistaken idea.
Jug: [Shocked] I'm supposed to pretend I'm Swifty Morgan?... Good Bye!
Latigo: They're willin' to pay!
Jug: How much?
Latigo: Thousand dollars. We'll split it fifty-fifty. That means FOUR HUNDRED for you.
Jug: [Ponders for a second] Seems fair. But I think that...
Latigo: No, no you don't. That's part of the deal. I do the thinkin'. You stand around and look tough.
Mrs. Perkins: [Having led Taylor Barton and his associates to Latigo Smith's room] They come sneakin' in here lookin' at the register tryin' to find the room number of Mr. Smith. I tried to tell 'em I got four Smiths.
Latigo: Well, thank you Mrs. Perkins, uh, we wouldn't wanna' keep you from your work.
Mrs. Perkins: I suppose the way they come sneakin' in here that you're another one of them gunfighters that these stupid jackass miners keep hirin' around here. I suppose they're gonna' hire you, so that you can shoot some mother's son and then some other mother's son can shoot you.
Taylor Barton: Martha, for the love of heaven, unhinge your jaw and depart!
Mrs. Perkins: You see now why I DEMAND my rent in advance every day? Harrumph... Another "Smith." Just more of 'em comin' all the time getting' themselves killed off...
[Mrs. Perkins departs, muttering to herself]
Doc Schultz: I always did say that whorehouse was a gold mine!
Patience: Now I have sworn me a vow that I am going back east to Miss Hunter's College on the Hudson River New York for young ladies of good family and ain't nothing gonna stop me!
Taylor Barton: [Patience Barton - his daughter - is wildly shooting up the town with a rifle] What the hell do ya' think you're doin'!
Patience: I'm teachin' these jackass miners a lesson!
Taylor Barton: [Taylor Barton and son Oroville rush out and subdue Patience as she stops to reload] How many times have I told you not to shoot at people?
Patience: Well, they had it comin'! One of them said something vile to me. He said "Does your mother know you're out, Cecilia?"
Taylor Barton: You consider that grounds for shootin' up the whole town?
Patience: I KNOW what he meant!
Taylor Barton: Well I sure as hell don't!
Col. Ames: We share the same ancestors as far back as Adam and Eve. I desire no closer relation than that.
Latigo: Patience, there are some things a man just can't ride around... but then again, maybe he can.
'Swifty' Morgan: You can't gunfight a man sitting on your ass!
Doc Schultz: [Latigo has come to the doctor for medical consultation] What's your problem?
Latigo: Uh, Doc... Promise you won't tell anybody, huh?
Doc Schultz: On my hypocritic oath!
Patience: [Curious about Latigo Smith's mysterious illness] What's wrong with him, Doc?
Doc Schultz: You know a doc can't talk about his patients, Patience.
Latigo: Well, there's one thing that don't change about women. That's the fact that... they're changeable.
Doc Schultz: Where'd you learn so much about women?
Latigo: I worked at it.
Taylor Barton: [Col. Ames has had him detained] Colonel, this is RIDICULOUS!
Col. Ames: Indeed it is! But not for long. Because one of two things is going to happen. First, you're going to get your workers out of the ground and promise never to see my sister again, or, second, the OTHER thing is going to happen.
Taylor Barton: WHAT other thing?
Col. Ames: My boys will take you out in a swamp and put a bullet through your thick head!
Abigail: That's murder!
Col. Ames: I've studied law. Of COURSE it's murder!
Latigo: I don't like anything west of Riverside Drive.
Patience: Where's that?
Latigo: New York City.
Patience: On the Hudson River?
Latigo: Yeah, born and raised there.
Patience: Tell me about it!
Latigo: Tell you what about it?
Latigo: Well let's see, they, they don't carry guns. And they got a cop on every street corner to keep people from shootin' one another.
Latigo: Like I said: a man should spread happiness as he walks through life.
Jug: I think we've been spreadin' it a little thick.