M: We do function in your absence, Commander.
[to Tiffany while he's in bed with her]
James Bond: Presumably I'm the condemned man and obviously you're the hearty breakfast.
Mr. Wint: The scorpion.
Mr. Kidd: One of nature's finest killers, Mr. Wint.
Mr. Wint: One is never too old to learn from a master, Mr. Kidd.
[after sealing Bond in a coffin and conveying him into a crematorium's furnace]
Mr. Wint: Very moving.
Mr. Kidd: Heartwarming, Mr. Wint.
Mr. Wint: A glowing tribute, Mr. Kidd.
Sir Donald Munger: Tell me, Commander, how far does your expertise extend into the field of diamonds?
James Bond: Well, hardest substance found in nature, they cut glass, suggests marriage, I suppose it replaced the dog as the girl's best friend. That's about it.
M: Refreshing to hear that there is one subject you're not an expert on!
Blofeld: The satellite is at present over... Kansas. Well, if we destroy Kansas the world may not hear about it for years. Perhaps New York, with all that smut and traffic... might give them a chance for a fresh start. Washington, DC. Perfect. Since we have not heard from them, *they* will hear from us.
Mr. Kidd: Well, they're both aboard, and I must say Miss Case seems quite attractive...
[Mr. Wint glares at him]
Mr. Kidd: ...For a lady.
Mr. Kidd: Heh heh heh heh!
[Tiffany Case opens the door almost nude]
James Bond: That's quite a nice little nothing you're almost wearing. I approve.
Tiffany Case: I don't dress for the hired help. Let's see your passport, Franks.
[Bond gives her his passport. She looks it over]
Tiffany Case: Occupation: Transport Consultant? It's a little cute isn't it? I'll finish dressing.
James Bond: Oh, please don't, not on my account.
Felix Leiter: I give up. I know the diamonds are in the body, but where?
James Bond: Alimentary, Dr. Leiter...
Slumber Inc. Attendant: The stiff, ehm, the deceased back there... Your brother, Mr. Franks?
James Bond: Yes, it was.
Slumber Inc. Attendant: I got a brudder.
James Bond: Small world.
Plenty O'Toole: Hi, I'm Plenty.
James Bond: But of course you are.
Plenty O'Toole: Plenty O'Toole.
James Bond: Named after your father perhaps?
[James Bond is lucky with the dice while gambling]
Plenty O'Toole: You handle those cubes like a monkey handles coconuts.
[Plenty O'Toole is thrown out of the window by some goons perhaps from the 10th floor, and lands in the middle of the hotel's swimming pool]
James Bond: [looking down] Exceptionally fine shot.
Slumber Inc. Attendant: I didn't know there was a pool down there.
[a couple of oil workers open a hatch down to the oil pipe, and James Bond comes up to their surprise]
James Bond: Thank you very much. I was just out walking my RAT and seem to have lost my way...
James Bond: Good morning, gentlemen. ACME pollution inspection. We're cleaning up the world, we thought this was a suitable starting point.
James Bond: Weren't you a blonde when I came in?
Tiffany Case: Could be.
James Bond: I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette.
Tiffany Case: Which do you prefer?
James Bond: Well, as long as the collar and cuffs match...
[to a rat]
James Bond: Well, one of us smells like a tart's handkerchief.
James Bond: I'm afraid it's me. Sorry, old boy.
Sir Donald Munger: You have been on holiday, I understand. Relaxing, I hope?
James Bond: Oh, hardly relaxing, but most satisfying.
James Bond: Pity about your liver, sir. Unusually fine Solera. '51, I believe.
M: There is no year for sherry, 007.
James Bond: I was referring to the original vintage on which the sherry is based, sir. 1851, unmistakable.
Sir Donald Munger: Precisely.
Mr. Wint: Curious... how everyone who touches those diamonds seems to die.
James Bond: What can I bring you back from Holland?
Miss Moneypenny: A diamond? In a ring?
James Bond: Would you settle for a tulip?
Miss Moneypenny: [Bond leaves; she sighs longingly] Mm, yes.
Tiffany Case: Listen, you can drop me off at the next corner. This whole thing is getting a little out of hand. No regrets, but when you start stealing moon machines from Willard Whyte, GOOD bye and GOOD Luck!
James Bond: Just relax, I have a friend named Felix who can fix anything.
Tiffany Case: Is he married?
[after being pulled over by the sherriff]
Tiffany Case: [sarcastically] Relax, you've got a friend named Felix who can fix anything.
James Bond: Unfortunately, so can Willard Whyte.
Blofeld: Tiffany, my dear. We're showing a bit more *cheek* than usual, aren't we?
[Tiffany takes the cassette out from her bottom and hands it to Blofeld]
Blofeld: [to the guards] Take her below and lock her up with Mr. Bond.
[the guards take her to a cell]
Blofeld: What a pity, such nice cheeks too. If only they were brains.
[referring to the cassette]
Blofeld: Destroy this, Metz.
Blofeld: You press "L" Mr. Bond, the word "Lobby" begins with "L".
[Plenty O'Toole is found face down in a swimming pool]
Tiffany Case: She's...
James Bond: Dead. Supposed to be you. The next link in the "pipeline".
Tiffany Case: What are you talking about?
James Bond: Poor Plenty must have stumbled in here looking for you.
Tiffany Case: I don't believe you!
James Bond: A dentist is dead in South Africa. That little old lady in Amsterdam. Shady got his last night. They've missed me once. And you're next. Now, who's your connection?
Tiffany Case: You sound like a cop to me...
James Bond: Who's your connection?
Tiffany Case: All I know, his voice is on a phone. They got me this place and told me to wait for further instructions.
James Bond: You'll find that rather difficult to hear underwater.
[Bond has shoved a tape in the rear end of Tiffany's bikini bottom]
James Bond: Bitch. Your problems are all behind you now.
James Bond: [tossing Japanese man around] Where is he? I shan't ask you politely next time. Where is Blofeld?
Japanese man: Ca-Ca-Cairo.
Tiffany Case: Oh, James.
James Bond: Oh, yes. What were you about to ask me?
Tiffany Case: James, how the hell do we get those diamonds down again?
[Bond tastes the Mouton Rothschild wine served]
James Bond: The wine is quite excellent. Although for such a grand meal I would have expected a claret.
Mr. Wint: But of course. Unfortunately our cellar is poorly stocked with clarets.
James Bond: Mouton Rothschild IS a claret. And, I've smelled that aftershave before, and both times - I've smelled a rat.
Blofeld: Making mud pies, 007?
James Bond: What do you intend to do with those diamonds?
Blofeld: An excellent question. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon. If I were to break the news to anyone it would be to you first, Mr Bond, you know that.
Blofeld: Good evening, Mr Bond.
James Bond: Blofeld?
Blofeld Double: Good evening, 007.
Blofeld: Double jeopardy, Mr Bond.
Blofeld Double: You killed my only other double, I'm afraid. After his death, volunteers were understandably... rather scarce.
Blofeld: Such a pity. All that time and energy wasted, simply to provide you with one mock, heroic moment.
Willard Whyte: Baja? I haven't got anything in Baja!
[Bond sees Saxby gunned down after trying to assassinate Willard Whyte]
James Bond: Saxby!
Willard Whyte: Burt Saxby? Tell him he's fired!
[Mr. Kidd conceals a bomb inside the dessert]
Mr. Wint: And for dessert, the piece de resistance... a Bombe Surprise.
Tiffany Case: Mmm! That looks fantastic. What's in it?
Mr. Wint: Ah... But then there would be no surprise, Madame.
Shady Tree: [to James Bond] You dirty double-crossing limey fink! Those goddamn diamonds are phonies!
James Bond: [Plenty O'Toole enters Bond's hotel room] Well, if you'd like to come in, Plenty.
Plenty O'Toole: Oh, how pretty, what a super place you have!
James Bond: Mmm...
[Plenty kisses him; Bond unzips her purple satin dress and it falls from her, leaving her almost completely naked except for her purple high heels and her transparent pink panties]
Plenty O'Toole: [holding up a finger, moving back] Just give me one second, lover.
[she walks into the bedroom]
James Bond: [Bond picks up her dress and tosses it onto a couch. He turns on a lamp and finds a goon pointing a gun at him] Good evening.
[other lights come on, revealing another goon, also pointing a gun at him]
James Bond: Well, I'm afraid you've caught me with more than my hands up.
Plenty O'Toole: [being forced out of the bedroom by a third goon, her arms folded across her chest protectively] Hey, what the hell is this? A pervert's convention or something?
[the other goons come over and pick her up, carrying her over to the window]
Plenty O'Toole: Now listen, you can't do this to me! Stop that! I've got friends in this town!
[she is thrown out of the window and lands in the pool]
James Bond: Surely, sir, there's no need to involve our section on a relatively simple smuggling matter.
M: Sir Donald has convinced the PM otherwise. May I remind you 007, that Blofeld is dead. Finished! The least we can expect from you now is a little *plain*, *solid*, *work*.
Blofeld: Well go on, go on, it's merely a lift. Or should I say elevator? In any event I'm sure you'll find it far more convenient than mountaineering about outside the Whyte House.
Tiffany Case: [while Q is playing the slot machines, winning big every time] Hi there, Mr. Q. Are you having any luck?
Q: I'm being somewhat successful, thank you.
Tiffany Case: Darling, why are we suddenly staying in the Newlywed Suite at the Whyte House?
James Bond: In order to form a more perfect union.
James Bond: [when introducing himself] Bond, James Bond
Bambi: [seductively] I'm "Bambi."
Thumper: And I am "Thumper." Is there something we can do for you?
James Bond: I can think of several things, off hand...
[as Bond, still incognito as Peter Franks, removes his underwear to seduce Tiffany]
Tiffany Case: Why, Peter, there's much more to you than I imagined!
Marie: Is there something I can do for you?
James Bond: As a matter of fact, there is... there's something I'd like you to get off your chest.
Tiffany Case: [reading Bond's ID card planted on the deceased Franks] My God! You just killed James Bond!
James Bond: Is that who it was? Well just goes to show, no one's indestructible.
Blofeld: Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
James Bond: Welcome to Hell, Blofeld.
Tiffany Case: Go blow up your pants!
[choking a girl to get information]
James Bond: Speak up, darling, I can't hear you.
James Bond: [playing craps] I'll take the full odds on the ten, two hundred on the hard way, the limit on all the numbers, two hundred and fifty on the eleven. Thank you very much.
Plenty O'Toole: Say, you played this game before.
James Bond: Just once.
James Bond: Well, that's a neat trick.
Blofeld: As La Rochefoucauld observed, "humility is the worst form of conceit." I do hold the winning hand.
Willard Whyte: I see you've met my friends Bambi and Thumper
Tiffany Case: Keep leaning on that tooter, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mouth.