Quotes

Mike Stivic: I just thank God I'm an atheist.

Mike Stivic: Why couldn't they say "Buddha, bless you" in Chinese?

Archie Bunker: Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say... Well, if they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara".

Mike Stivic: That's Japanese.

Archie Bunker: Same thing.

Mike Stivic: It's not the same thing!

Archie Bunker: What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you gonna tell me which is which?

Mike Stivic: That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.

Archie Bunker: Sure you talk to them. You say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?"

Mike Stivic: [yells] I don't believe this. He's making me crazy!

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker: Get out of my chair, Meathead!

Archie Bunker: Everyone I like stays the hell away from me.

Archie Bunker: You worse than that hebe congressman Sam Irving.

Archie: Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?

Archie Bunker: I got bigger fish to fly.

Archie: Where's my grandson?

Mike Stivic: He's asleep.

Archie: Well wake him up.

Mike Stivic: He's tired.

Archie: But every time I come over here the kid is either in bed, in the bath tub or on the pot.

Gloria: You know, pizza's actually not from Italy. I read that Marco Polo discovered it in China and then brought it back to Italy.

Archie: Leave it to a dago to go halfway around the world to get a take-home meal.

[Edith hands Archie a beer on the left side instead of the usual right]

Archie: What are you doing?

Edith: I thought you might like it on this side for a change.

Archie: Is it gonna taste better on this side?

Archie: Your honor, may I encroach the bench?

Archie Bunker: His chest is all puffed out like Raquel Walsh.

Archie: You go off and leave me here with nobody home.

Edith: Mike was here.

Archie: Like I said, nobody was home.

Archie Bunker: In my bed I stay, 'til death us do part.

Archie Bunker: I tell ya, Edith, when a plumber's business goes into the toilet you're sitting pretty.

Edith Bunker: I'm home. I'm home, Archie.

Archie Bunker: Are you sure?

Mike Stivic: In today's society, people throw things out because they don't work.

Archie Bunker: Well you don't work, maybe we should throw you out.

Fred Bunker: [on the phone] Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat?

Harry Snowden: You know, you ought to try that.

Archie Bunker: You think so?

[on the phone with Edith]

Archie Bunker: Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat?

[pause]

Archie Bunker: She hung up the phone.

Archie Bunker: You gotta grab the bull by the corns.

Archie Bunker: Edith, if you call me "Cute" one more time, I swear I'll open a vein.

Mike Stivic: You eat my heart out. Little by little, bit by bit, you eat my heart out.

Archie Bunker: I don't care.

Archie Bunker: Say there, Rosemarie.

Stephanie: Stephanie.

Archie Bunker: Whatever.

Archie Bunker: We was like two ships that clashed in the night.

Archie Bunker: She ain't gonna saying nothing more because the smoke has given her an attack of, what do you call, laryngosis.

Archie Bunker: God can do anything! He can turn your jawbone into an ass!

Mike Stivic: We're going to see something you know nothing about: culture.

[Shows him the art exhibit book]

Archie Bunker: Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder he's getting himself so excited, it's one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit.

Mike Stivic: That's 'Pollock'. Jackson Pollock. He happens to be a great American artist.

Archie Bunker: Well he sure paints Polish. Look at this: he splashes and smears the paint over everything here. What do you mean? A monkey could do that. A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book.

Mike Stivic: I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.

Archie Bunker: Why don't you go take a short walk on a long pier?

Mike Stivic: Ha, you can't even get that right! It's take a long walk off a short pier.

Archie Bunker: Then do that.

Edith: What has four legs, and flys?

Archie Bunker: Two pairs of pants!

Edith Bunker: [Archie's in the bathroom] Archie! When are ya comin' out?

Archie Bunker: Why, ya sellin' the house?

Edith Bunker: You've been in there for 20 minutes.

Archie Bunker: Who are you? The official time-keeper?

Edith Bunker: What are ya doin' in there?

Archie Bunker: I'm changing the tile. One more word out of ya and I ain't never comin' out!

Mike Stivic: Archie, if there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world?

Archie Bunker: If there is a God how come there's so much unhappiness in the world? Uh... uh... hey, Edith... If there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world?

Gloria: Oh, Daddy. You'd put ketchup on a doughnut.

Archie Bunker: If it needed it.

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker: You know somethin', Edith? You're a pip. You know that? A real pip.

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker: Waaaaaaait a minute, waaaaaaait a minute, wait!

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker: Get away from me!