Gloria: Do you know that sixty percent of all deaths in America are caused by guns?
Archie Bunker: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?
Mike Stivic: I just thank God I'm an atheist.
Mike Stivic: You know, you are totally incomprehensible.
Archie Bunker: Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.
Mike Stivic: Why couldn't they say "Buddha, bless you" in Chinese?
Archie Bunker: Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say... Well, if they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara".
Mike Stivic: That's Japanese.
Archie Bunker: Same thing.
Mike Stivic: It's not the same thing!
Archie Bunker: What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you gonna tell me which is which?
Mike Stivic: That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.
Archie Bunker: Sure you talk to them. You say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?"
Mike Stivic: [yells] I don't believe this. He's making me crazy!
George Jefferson: If he's gonna have the last laugh, I'm gonna have it first.
Archie Bunker: Get out of my chair, Meathead!
Archie Bunker: Everyone I like stays the hell away from me.
Gloria Stivic: Hi Dad, where's Ma?
Archie Bunker: I don't know, she flew out of here like a dingbat outta Hell.
Archie Bunker: You worse than that hebe congressman Sam Irving.
[Edith's high school is being torn down to build a grocery store]
Edith Bunker: It won't be the same saying "I went to school there," while pointing at the A&P.
Archie: Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?
Edith Bunker: We should take you to the doctor.
Archie Bunker: No, I've already had one attempted robbery today.
Archie Bunker: I got bigger fish to fly.
Archie: God created the universe in seven days.
Edith: Six days. On the seventh day he rested.
Archie: Well only for a while then He looked over what He done.
Archie: Where's my grandson?
Mike Stivic: He's asleep.
Archie: Well wake him up.
Mike Stivic: He's tired.
Archie: But every time I come over here the kid is either in bed, in the bath tub or on the pot.
Gloria Stivic: Daddy, what I don't understand is how can the Duke be alive if he threw himself on a grenade?
Archie Bunker: 'Cause it was an Italian grenade. It was a dud like everything else them Pasta-Fazoos made.
Gloria: You know, pizza's actually not from Italy. I read that Marco Polo discovered it in China and then brought it back to Italy.
Archie: Leave it to a dago to go halfway around the world to get a take-home meal.
Archie Bunker: What she done was wrong and she gotta be punished. For the next two weeks, no out after school. No out at all. If you find yourself having fun at something, stop it. And no delicious foods for three weeks. You only gotta eat the terrible foods that are good for you. And then no TV for a week. And the next week, and this is gonna be tougher: educational TV only.
[Edith hands Archie a beer on the left side instead of the usual right]
Archie: What are you doing?
Edith: I thought you might like it on this side for a change.
Archie: Is it gonna taste better on this side?
Archie: Your honor, may I encroach the bench?
Mike Stivic: I'll drive a truck, pump gas, collect garbage.
Archie: Bingo. Start collecting the garbage off of the table.
Archie Bunker: His chest is all puffed out like Raquel Walsh.
Archie: Button your face.
Archie: You go off and leave me here with nobody home.
Edith: Mike was here.
Archie: Like I said, nobody was home.
Edith Bunker: What are you fighting about?
Mike Stivic: The Star-Spangled Banner.
Edith Bunker: Did the singer forget the words again?
Archie Bunker: In my bed I stay, 'til death us do part.
Archie Bunker: A man should always listen to his wife.
Edith Bunker: Archie, I...
Archie Bunker: Dummy up.
Archie Bunker: I tell ya, Edith, when a plumber's business goes into the toilet you're sitting pretty.
Edith: Why don't you go out and finish dinner.
Mike Stivic: Nah, I ain't hungry.
Edith: Ya can't depend on nothing no more.
Mike Stivic: What were you saying about colored families having no love?
Archie Bunker: Why is it you can remember everything except how to work?
Mike Stivic: In today's society, people throw things out because they don't work.
Archie Bunker: Well you don't work, maybe we should throw you out.
Archie Bunker: Silence is golden, so stifle thy self.
Fred Bunker: [on the phone] Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat?
Harry Snowden: You know, you ought to try that.
Archie Bunker: You think so?
[on the phone with Edith]
Archie Bunker: Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat?
Archie Bunker: She hung up the phone.
Edith Bunker: Mike is family.
Archie Bunker: Gloria is family. What's standing behind me is an accident of marriage.
Archie Bunker: You gotta grab the bull by the corns.
Edith Bunker: Remember Sister Kate, Archie?
Archie Bunker: That was that dumb movie about nuns starring Ingrid Bernstein.
Archie Bunker: Edith, if you call me "Cute" one more time, I swear I'll open a vein.
Edith Bunker: Maybe before I come to bed I should put on my socks.
Archie Bunker: Maybe before you come to bed you should stick your feet in the oven.
Mike Stivic: You eat my heart out. Little by little, bit by bit, you eat my heart out.
Archie Bunker: I don't care.
Archie Bunker: [commenting on a woman's perfume] It infiltrates the nosetrils.
Archie Bunker: [telling the story of Samson] He took a jawbone from the grass and slew the Palestine army.
Archie Bunker: We was like two ships that clashed in the night.
Archie Bunker: You'd better start mixing toothpaste with your shampoo. You're getting a cavity in your brain.
Archie Bunker: She ain't gonna saying nothing more because the smoke has given her an attack of, what do you call, laryngosis.
[Door bell rings]
Edith Bunker: [Running] I'll get it!
Archie Bunker: Geez Louise Edith, why do you have to charge the door like a German shepherd every time the bell rings?
Archie Bunker: God can do anything! He can turn your jawbone into an ass!
Archie Bunker: God don't make no mistakes, that's how He got to be God.
Mike Stivic: We're going to see something you know nothing about: culture.
[Shows him the art exhibit book]
Archie Bunker: Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder he's getting himself so excited, it's one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit.
Mike Stivic: That's 'Pollock'. Jackson Pollock. He happens to be a great American artist.
Archie Bunker: Well he sure paints Polish. Look at this: he splashes and smears the paint over everything here. What do you mean? A monkey could do that. A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book.
Mike Stivic: I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.
Archie Bunker: Why don't you go take a short walk on a long pier?
Mike Stivic: Ha, you can't even get that right! It's take a long walk off a short pier.
Archie Bunker: Then do that.
Archie Bunker: You're a regular Edgar Allen Polack.
Mike Stivic: You can't do that, Archie! That's largesse!
Archie Bunker: I don't care if it's largesse, smallesse or any kind of esse!
Edith Bunker: [Archie's in the bathroom] Archie! When are ya comin' out?
Archie Bunker: Why, ya sellin' the house?
Edith Bunker: You've been in there for 20 minutes.
Archie Bunker: Who are you? The official time-keeper?
Edith Bunker: What are ya doin' in there?
Archie Bunker: I'm changing the tile. One more word out of ya and I ain't never comin' out!
Edith Bunker: Don't ya like me bringin' home surprises?
Archie Bunker: Geez, Edith... with you a surprise could be anything from a runaway horse to a Puerto Rican.
Mike Stivic: Archie, if there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world?
Archie Bunker: If there is a God how come there's so much unhappiness in the world? Uh... uh... hey, Edith... If there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world?
Mike Stivic: That's what's wrong with this country; nobody asks questions any more!
Archie Bunker: Can I ask *you* a question?
Mike Stivic: Sure.
Archie Bunker: Why don't you shut up?
Archie Bunker: Like the Good Book says, "Let him who is without sin... be the rollin' stone."
Archie Bunker: You know somethin', Edith? You're a pip. You know that? A real pip.
Archie Bunker: Dummy up, dummy up!
Archie Bunker: Waaaaaaait a minute, waaaaaaait a minute, wait!
Archie Bunker: The Reverend Fletcher...
Edith Bunker: Felcher.
Archie Bunker: WHATEVER.
Archie Bunker: Get away from me!
Archie Bunker: Case CLOSED!