Edit
The Twelve Chairs (1970) Poster

Quotes

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: You're not worth spitting on!

Father Fyodor: Oh yeah? Well, you are!

[spits]

5 of 5 found this interesting Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ostap Bender: [after yet another failure] Remember the famous Russian proverb: "The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal." On the other hand, the French have a proverb: merde!

5 of 5 found this interesting Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why are you after my chair?

Father Fyodor: It's not yours.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Then whose is it?

Father Fyodor: It's nationalized property. It belongs to the workers

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Did you said the workers?

Father Fyodor: Yes, the workers.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Maybe the holy father is a member of the communist party.

Father Fyodor: Maybe.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: But the party is for atheists. How can a priest join the party?

Father Fyodor: The church must keep up with the times.

4 of 4 found this interesting Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[Ostap Bender is kissing a young woman]

Young Woman: Do you love me?

Ostap Bender: Let's just say that I am very much in lust with you.

3 of 3 found this interesting Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Nikolai Sestrin: I hate people I don't like.

2 of 2 found this interesting Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Tikon: [remembering his former master Vorobyaninov] I loved him... he hardly ever beat us!

2 of 2 found this interesting Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ostap Bender: Listen, tell me. Tell me. Who lived here in the old days?

Tikon: Oh, in the old days was my master: Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov. He was a Marshal of the nobility. I loved him. He hardly ever beat us.

Ostap Bender: Oh, and whatever became of your "lovable master"?

Tikon: One night about ten years ago was a fearful noise. It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting. It was terrible, terrible!

Ostap Bender: Oh, yes, I think it was called "The Revolution".

Tikon: That was it: The Revolution... You're smart! You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay. Anyways... they all run away.

Ostap Bender: Well, come on, old boy. Let us see how drunk two Russians can get on one ruble.

Tikon: I like that: two Russians, one ruble!

2 of 2 found this interesting Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: I am cousin Kiev, from Vorobyaninov. All of the Michaels are dead.

1 of 1 found this interesting Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why are you after my chair?

Father Fyodor: It's not yours!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Then who's is it?

Father Fyodor: It's nationalized property! It belongs to the workers?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Did you say "the workers"?

Father Fyodor: Yes, the workers!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Maybe the Holy Father is a member of the Communist Party?

Father Fyodor: Maybe...

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: But the Party is for atheists. How can a priest join the PARTY?

[Kicks the priest in the shin]

Father Fyodor: [Grimacing from the kick] Mm... The Church must keep up with the times...

1 of 1 found this interesting Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Tikon: [to Ostap Bender] You're smart and you're gorgeous!

1 of 2 found this interesting Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Father Fyodor: Oh, God! You're so strict!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Father Fyodor: A memento of your lovely home!

[to the family in Syberia, as he attempts to steal a chair, and they attempt to throw him out]

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [referring to Father Fyodor's being in drag and trying to steal one of the chairs] This is disgusting!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [screaming at his dying mother-in-law for hiding her jewels in a chair] Heaven knows who may sit in that chair... *if* it's still a chair!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Father Fyodor: What detail. What fine workmanship. What a gorgeous chairrrrr!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [They've torn one of chairs to pieces when Vorobyaninov realizes] How did you find out about the jewels?

Father Fyodor: [pause, then] People talk.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why, you disgusting creature! You used the sacred sacrement of confession to further your own ends!

Father Fyodor: Not really.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Well, you are just about the most contemptible creature it has even been my misfortune to meet! You're not worth spitting on!

Father Fyodor: Well, you are!

[He spits on Vorobyaninov]

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [upon learning that his mother-in-law is dying] Bozhe moi, that poor woman! That poor woman! Who is going to care of me?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ostap Bender: [He punches Vorobyaninov in the stomach after Vorobyaniniv has slapped him] Parasite! Parasite, parasite! Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite! Vorobyaninovs never beg? I begged all my life!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Father Fyodor: [Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs] I am Vorobyaninov's son.

[Ostap stares at him]

Father Fyodor: His first-born. He was like a father to me.

Ostap Bender: So... you are Vorobyaninov's son.

Father Fyodor: Yes, I am.

Ostap Bender: [quickly] How old are you?

Father Fyodor: 46... 44.

Ostap Bender: Which is it?

Father Fyodor: 42... 42.

Ostap Bender: According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11.

[Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle]

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Father Fyodor: [to Madam Bruns] My dear lady... don't you understand?

[he goes totally manic]

Father Fyodor: I need those chairs!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ostap Bender: [Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch] Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?

Father Fyodor: Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Madam Bruns: [Father Fyodor is embracing Engineer Bruns' leg] Andre, why is that man kissing your knee?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Father Fyodor: I want to grovel at your feet! I must grovel at your feet!

Madam Bruns: No groveling! There will be no groveling in this house! This is a Soviet household! We don't allow groveling!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Father Fyodor: [desperately trying to think of a motive to get the chairs from the Bruns] C'mon, brain!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?

Ostap Bender: In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.

[They wait]

Father Fyodor: Oh Lord, you're so strict!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Father Fyodor: Oh Lord... oh Lord, if this is your pun... ish... ment...

[he realizes that he's trapped on top of a mountain with no way down]

Father Fyodor: How did I get here? There's no way down... there's absolutely no way down! I'm gonna need a great deal of help to get down!

[he sees Ostap and Vorobyaninov leaving]

Father Fyodor: Boys! Oh, boys! Yoo-hoo, Vorobyaninov! I have always liked you, you know that? We come from the same village. For twenty-five years, I have been your priest... oh, for Christ's sake, get me down!

[they walk away]

Father Fyodor: Get... me... down!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ostap Bender: Tell me... what goes on in this great house?

Tikon: Mostly dying.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Tikon: It's an old-age home for wery old ladies. They tippy-toe in, they have a little bowl of porridge and...

[he blows a raspberry]

Tikon: that's it.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Tikon: [Ostap has just addressed him as "comrade"] Comrade! Comrade! Everybody calls me comrade! Everybody in the new Soviet Union is a comrade! People you don't know, strangers, everybody is a comrade! Oh, I miss Russia!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

Contribute to This Page