Mrs. Ferret: Have you been fired?
Ferret: [brushing it off] Fired?
Ferret: Hahaha! Fired? Hahahaha
[more nervous now]
Mrs. Ferret: Then why is the car for sale?
[we see the car through the house window; in the side window there is a crudely written sign saying FORSALE]
Ferret: Oh that? That's a mistake. That's one of Rimmer's cockups. That should read Fors Ale. A new beer we're advertising.
[as giving a slogan]
Ferret: Fors Ale - keeps you hearty and hale.
Mrs. Ferret: Well I've never heard of it.
Ferret: And you may never! Very hush hush.
Ferret: The survey shows that...
[realizing the survey asked the wrong question]
Ferret: ... it shows that 90% of English families do not eat boot polish for breakfast.
Michael Rimmer: [schmoozing] Hugh, I loved your speech on abortion. It was really gorgeous.
Priest: Have you been able to find time for the survey in regard to the declining attendance in England's churches?
Michael Rimmer: Yes, we have.
Priest: We've tried everything, you know... cutthroat bingo, hallucinogens in the wafers, neon lights for the graveyards, chapels on wheels, fifty-fifty drawings after communion...
Michael Rimmer: Really?
Priest: [grabbing hold of his vestments] And these clothes are a bit out-of-date for the 1960s.
Michael Rimmer: Yes, well, we've done a great deal of research on the results of our religious polls and I believe we have discovered the true root of the problem.
Priest: What would that be?
Michael Rimmer: God.
Priest: I had a nasty suspicion it was that.
Michael Rimmer: It's just that people have a hard time believing in Him. So, get rid of the God and you'll do just fine.
Priest: Interesting. Sort of an "Our Father who *might be* in heaven"...
Michael Rimmer: Yes, very good.
Michael Rimmer: [after seeing Fromage faint] What's the matter with Fromage?
Pumer: Oh, these recent sex surveys have him worn out.
Priest: [on a television interview] I have nothing against Buddhism, per se. It is possible for people to approach God in a great many ways... but there is no need to be silly about it!
Steven Hench: Mr Blocket, you had been on rather acrimonious terms with the late Prime Minister
Blocket: We had our differences
Steven Hench: On one occasion, indeed on several occasions, you described him as a two-faced weasel-eyed git.
Blocket: In the rough and tumble of parliamentary debate things are said that can often be misinterpreted but there was a lot of warmth there.
Ranjit X: Don't let's go into bourgeois things like money! Talk to my agent!
Old woman at party conference: [heckling] What about the Old Age Pension?
Tom Hutchinson: Don't talk to me about "unemployment", young man! I was unemployed before you were born!
Steven Hench: [In radio studio] How do you feel about the violent heckling which punctuated your speech?
Tom Hutchinson: I am not saying that the Labour Party was *responsible* for this disgraceful episode. But I will say this - it did seem to be *organised*.
[Looks at Michael Rimmer through studio glass]
Patricia Cartwright: I've got the Olympic Heats tomorrow.
Michael Rimmer: I've got the Olympic Heats tonight.
Sir Eric Bentley: [to gentlemen of the press] Are we mad? ARE WE MAD? Are we mad? ARE WE Mad?
Willing: [At identity parade] I couldn't swear to it, but it might just possibly be the one in the green shirt.
Patricia Cartwright: That's about the only time we've been together. When there's a photographer around.
Tom Hutchinson: I'd just like to say that my talks with the President were wide-ranging, full, and exhaustive.
Michael Rimmer: Peter, I was just jotting down a few reasons why you might want to leave IOP and come over to us at the Fairburn Organisation.
[hands over cheque]
Peter Niss: Oh yes, I see, that's very well put. Yes, I particularly like the noughts.
Steven Hench: [addressing man in studio audience] You sir! What do you think about publicising people's personal sexual habits?
[Man hides his face in hands]
Steven Hench: You seem to disapprove. I wonder if your wife agrees.
[Looks at woman next to him]
Woman in studio audience: I'm not his wife, go away please!
Steven Hench: [to audience] Anyone else from Doncaster?
Steven Hench: I'd better go and look after Percy, he gets a bit broody.
Bishop of Cowley: I do think Doubt is a terribly important part of Belief. You mean if we were to phase out the God-side of our worship, we'd get better attendances?
Bishop of Cowley: A sort of "Our Father, which *might be* in Heaven"...
Weapons Demo film announcer: So for those who think the British Lion has lost its teeth, let them be warned that it can still give them a pretty nasty suck.