- Lonny Stevens - The Phynx: You're the president aren't you? If you don't like Rostinov why don't you just get rid of him?
- Markevitch: Can't. He owns the tank.
- Ray Chippeway's Ma: Papa, look, it's our Raymond. Come marching home.
- Ray Chippeway's Pa: Ugh. White Man turn's son pansy.
- Corrigan: A.M. Miller, also known as Michael.
- A. Michael Miller - The Phynx: How did you know my name?
- Corrigan: The SSA knows your whole history, Mike.
- A. Michael Miller - The Phynx: Oh yeah, On July 23, 1965, I went to the flicks in Santa Monica. Who with?
- Corrigan: Judy Heeler. Blonde. Five foot six. Noticeable scars. You saw "Bikini Beach Party." Ate 142 kernels of dried popcorn and went to the Mens Room twice. Both number ones.
- Corrigan: This is bigger than dandruff! You'll learn karate, bayonet, jungle warfare, Mac! You'll be hard, tough, meaner than a Green Beret!
- Ray Chippeway - The Phynx: Maybe win back Reservation.
- Master Sergeant Clint Walker: Gentlemen, I am here for three reasons. Number one, because its my patriotic duty to be here. And number two, because I'm the man who can give you the best training any man can have. Number three, and most important, I am here because I was drafted, again.
- James Brown: Mr. Bogey, My name is James Brown. I've been appointed ambassador to the record industry of the United States. Dear Sir, the record industry is proud to announce the award of a gold record, for the largest selling album in the history of the world, to the Phynx.
- A. Michael Miller - The Phynx: How about it, any more grievances?
- Dennis Larden - The Phynx: Visiting hours. It's been six weeks since we even smelled females.
- Corrigan: Absolutely not! You cannot mix sex and security. You boys can consider yourselves, for the foreseeable future, neutered.
- Rona Barrett: Good evening. Informed sources in the movie capital report the entire industry is in near panic. The disappearance yesterday of Maureen O'Sullivan adds new heart tugs to the list of world figures lost in Albania, including the mysterious kidnapping of Pat O'Brien, Patty Andrews and now for the most shocking news of all, hold on to your seats America, Busby Berkeley and the original gold diggers.
- Bogey: Gentlemen, your wish is our command. This is what you wanted. This is what you get. Officers, dismissed. Gentlemen, the United States Government is pleased to announce an orgy. You dames, come get 'em!
- Blonde Danish Fan #1: [Approaching in her underwear] Poor, baby, gee, you no tink of see doctor?
- Dennis Larden - The Phynx: But, afterwards, will you still respect me?
- Blonde Danish Fan #1: Sure ting, kid. Respect hell out of you.
- Blonde Danish Fan #2: You one, sexy redskin.
- Ray Chippeway - The Phynx: I-I don't suppose you'd agree to a handshake and a hearty Hi-Yo Silver?
- Blonde Danish Fan #2: Geronimo!
- Ray Chippeway - The Phynx: Is nothing sacred?
- Blonde Danish Fan #2: Oh, kiss me, fiercely.
- Ray Chippeway - The Phynx: White squaw, heap horny.
- Blonde Danish Fan #2: Come savage and ravish this pale, blonde, blue-eyed, helpless squaw.
- Maureen O'Sullivan: Johnny, just in case we don't make it, should we do it? Just once.
- Johnny Weissmuller: I don't know, Maureen.
- Maureen O'Sullivan: Johnny, please.
- Johnny Weissmuller: Then, okay. Me, Tarzan.
- Maureen O'Sullivan: Me, Jane.
- Joe Louis: I'm glad to be going home. But one thing in Albania they got that I wish they had in the U.S.A.
- Patty Andrews: Yeah, what is that, Joe?
- Joe Louis: No income tax.
- Patty Andrews: Yeah, but there's no income either.
- Tonto: Ke-mo sah-bee, what we do?
- The Lone Ranger: Tonto, you and I are going to rescue everyone.
- Tonto: Masked man, brave.
- The Lone Ranger: When the cart stops, we'll jump out and hide in the shadows.
- Tonto: Ah, masked man, fearless.
- The Lone Ranger: And you and I will attack the tank with our bare hands.
- Tonto: Ah, masked man, loco.
- Music Instructor: This here's your weapon.
- [Shows the Phynx an electric guitar]
- Music Instructor: And we begin with fingering. Your basic D7 chord.
- Bogey: This is Albania below us. It is right there that one of the most dastardly men of modern times is hold up. Where? We don't know. But, you are now looking at one of the few films ever taken of Marshall Markevitch, mysterious dictator of Communist Albania. Now, we got a hunch that Markevitch is behind a problem that no doubt you've been reading about all the important world figures who in the last few weeks have been mysteriously disappeared, out of sight, for God knows what ugly, twisted, un-American reason. Here is the Snatch List. The enemy has grabbed Georgie Jessel. Dorothy Lamour. The one and only Colonel Sanders. One of your favorites, Butterfly McQueen. They've heisted Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy. Xavier Cugat. And if you bozos want to believe it, Johnny Weissmuller. We don't know why Markevitch has copped all of these - world leaders. But, we do know this, we got to get somebody into Albania and we gotta bust them lose!
- Corrigan: Ray Chippeway.
- Ray Chippeway - The Phynx: How, whitey.
- Corrigan: We're going to make a *real* American out of you, Ray!
- Corrigan: You, and all of you, will learn music. Play guitar. Sing. Dance. You'll become the best known music group in the world. How does that sound?
- Dennis Larden - The Phynx: Like what's made America Great.
- Corrigan: You start tomorrow. Six AM to midnight. Seven days a week. You get room, board and 32 dollars a month to spend foolishly.
- Dennis Larden - The Phynx: I sure hope all that bread don't turn me rotten.
- Bogey: Well, what's the verdict.
- Dick Clark: I've never seen anything so ridiculous, unbelievable, *freaked out*, cuckoo, in all my life. They're sensational!
- Philbaby: I smell greatness here - other than my own. I want you boys to set out on a path of truth. You are my apostles. Purge yourselves. We'll find the truth in the downbeat.
- Ed Sullivan: Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have a really big show for you. Its really fine. First, we have this great circus act, Here from Holland is - and now here are the fabulous Phynx!
- Bogey: Where's Foxy?
- Dennis Larden - The Phynx: What's a Foxy?
- Bogey: What's a Foxy? Only the greatest Super Secret Double-Agent in the world!
- Bogey: Okay you blonde birds, I'm gonna promise ya, each and every one of ya, that you're all gonna get to meet the Phynx. Win a special prize, for each and every one of ya, providing you're friendly, just keep your pants on.
- Ray Chippeway - The Phynx: When I was a kid, I used to stare at that candy jar. There was more candy in it than I would ever want to eat. But, one day I got to it. I gobbled up every piece. And, you know, ever since that day, I still dig candy.
- Col. Rostinov: I, Colonel Rostinov, greet you. And on behalf of our beloved Marshall Markevitch, extend warm fist of friendship!
- Col. Rostinov: You be good boys and keep nose clean. National flower, radishes. Is good for health! You tell everybody Rostinov invite you for Flower Day tomorrow. Boost Rostinov image. You get good night rest at our finest hotel: Comrade Hilton. I see you tomorrow.
- Corrigan: Be-Bop-A-Lu-Bop Colonel.
- Corrigan: Your objective: the Markevitch Castle.
- A. Michael Miller - The Phynx: Aren't you comin'?
- Corrigan: Oh, gee, fellas, I wish I could, but, you know, rules.
- Dennis Larden - The Phynx: I forget?
- Corrigan: Well, traditionally, one must survive to report what went wrong.