Painless: [lining up during football game] All right, Bub, your fuckin' head is coming right off.
[the first use of the word "fuck" in a major motion picture]
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Father Mulcahy, referring to Hawkeye] I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps!
Father Mulcahy: [looks up from his Bible] He was drafted.
Radar: Gentlemen, I'm Corporal O'Reilly, they call me Radar. You'll be staying in Major Burns' tent. I'll take your things over there now.
Colonel Blake: Get everything out of the Jeep...
Radar: [while Blake continues speaking] Don't worry about the Jeep. I'll change the numbers.
Colonel Blake: ...All their duffel bags, all their gear... Oh, and change the numbers on that Jeep.
[a gun goes off at the football game]
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh my God! They've shot him!
Colonel Blake: Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop! It's the end of the quarter.
Colonel Blake: Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix about you... says you stole a jeep up at Headquarters.
Hawkeye Pierce: No sir, no, I didn't steal it. No, it's right outside.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [Raving about the Swampmen's latest stunt] If you don't turn them over to the MPs this minute, I - -I'm going to resign my comission!
Colonel Blake: [In bed with a nurse] Goddamnit, Hot Lips, resign your goddamn comission!
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [stares, then turns to leave, wailing] My comission... my comission... my commission...
Colonel Blake: [to nurse] Little more wine, my dear?
P.A. Announcer: Attention, all base members must report for a drug test for marij- marijua-... disregard last transmission
P.A. Announcer: [clears his throat] Attention. Tonight's movie has been "M*A*S*H." Follow the zany antics of our combat surgeons as they cut and stitch their way along the front lines, operating as bombs -
P.A. Announcer: operating as bombs and bullets burst around them; snatching laughs and love between amputaions and penicillin.
Colonel Blake: [Watches as a jeep rolls away] Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?
Radar: No, sir. That's the one he came in.
Colonel Blake: Oh, very good. Come along, my dear.
[He and Lt. Leslie leave]
P.A. Announcer: Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red, Painless, Radar, Hot Lips, Dish and Staff Seargeant Vollmer as they put our boys back together again.
[a montage of cast members starts]
P.A. Announcer: Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliott Gould, Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman, Robert Duvall, Jo Ann Pflug, Rene Auberjonois, Roger Bowen, Gary Burghoff, David Arkin, John Schuck, Fred Williamson, Indus Arthur, Tim Brown, Corey Fischer, Bud Cort, Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon, Tamara Horrocks, Ken Prymus, Danny Goldman, Kim Atwood, Michael Murphy, G. Wood, Rick Teal and Bobby Troup.
SSgt. Gorman: Goddamn army.
P.A. Announcer: That is all.
[a gong sounds and the screen suddenly goes black. End of movie]
SSgt. Gorman: [Hawkeye and Trapper begin speaking in mock Japanese] Goddamn army.
[Tries to start his Jeep]
SSgt. Gorman: Goddamn army jeep.
Colonel Blake: You men just passing through?
Duke Forrest: I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
[Refferring to Lt. Dish]
Colonel Blake: Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. And I'm Colonel Blake.
Duke Forrest: Oh, Colonel. I'm Duke Forrest. Your new cutter. And that's my driver over there...
Hawkeye Pierce: Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
Colonel Blake: Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I got a TWX about you. It seems you stole a Jeep up at headquarters.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh no no, no, sir, I did not steal a Jeep. No, it's, uh, right outside. Right there.
Colonel Blake: Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders?
Duke Forrest: Uh, Captain... Pierce, is it? Captain Pierce and me have just been boozing all day and...
Colonel Blake: Good. Good. You've been working close to the front.
Colonel Blake: We have our slight periods here, but when the action starts, you'll get more work in 12 hours than a civili...
Hawkeye Pierce: How many nurses do we have on the base, sir?
Colonel Blake: Seventeen.
Hawkeye Pierce: How many will be on my...?
Colonel Blake: Four... than a civilian surgeon has in a month.
Hawkeye Pierce: [Hawkeye and Duke barge in] Henry, you've got to do something. We've stuck it out for a whole week now.
[to Duke, gesturing to Lt. Leslie]
Hawkeye Pierce: Pretty girl, ain't she?
Duke Forrest: Yeah. She's the type that really grows on ya.
Colonel Blake: Uh, what is it, men?
Hawkeye Pierce: That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent.
Colonel Blake: YOUR tent?
Duke Forrest: Yeah get that nurse in there. She don't look like the type to keep you awake all night prayin'.
Colonel Blake: I've been in the Army a long time. I know what you fellas are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around.
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, not for the world would I push you around. But look there is one more thing: we need a chest cutter.
Duke Forrest: Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here right away, Henry, or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot of trouble.
Colonel Blake: Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon, and we're not about to get one. You guys are gonna have to go in to work early today.
Hawkeye Pierce: Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you really need your rest, and you can't get it with a sky pilot jabbering to Heaven all night...
Colonel Blake: Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours.
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, there is just one more thing...
Colonel Blake: I told you Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours!
Hawkeye Pierce: A chest cutter.
Colonel Blake: Nope.
Colonel Blake: I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that.
Hawkeye Pierce: It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick.
[Trapper is guest of honor at a party celebrating his appointment as Chief Surgeon]
Trapper John: ...No, no, no food, no food! Sex! I want sex! Give me some sex!
[notices Hot-Lips across the mess tent]
Trapper John: No, no, no, that one, the sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes! Take her clothes off and bring her to me!
Duke Forrest: [as Frank Burns is being taken away in a straight jacket by the MPs] Now, fair's fair Henry. If I nail Hotlips and hit Hawkeye can I go home too?
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Col. Blake] This isn't a hospital! It's an insane asylum, and it's your fault!
Gen. Hammond: Henry, I have a report here from your Major O'Houlihan. Now she makes some accusations here that I frankly find hard to believe.
Colonel Blake: Well, don't believe them then, General. Good-bye.
Colonel Blake: What the hell's gotten into you?
Trapper John: I dunno. I must be losing my punch. I never expected the son of a bitch to get up.
Duke Forrest: Dammit, Henry, Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him he says it's "God's will" or somebody else's fault.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to belive him.
Colonel Blake: [General Hammond is yelling in their direction] Radar!
Colonel Blake: What's the general trying to say?
Radar: He's just been informed as to the identity of our, uh, Spearchucker. His ringer spotted our ringer.
Colonel Blake: [shouts to the general] How do ya like them apples, Charlie?
[the origin of her nickname]
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Frank Burns, during sex, not knowing everyone is listening] Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Kiss my hot lips!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Radar.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir. I'll get ahold of Major Burns...
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: I want you to get a hold of Major Burns...
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: ...Tell him to hold a couple day surgeons over into the night shift.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Tell him we're going to have hold a couple of surgeons over from the day shift out of the night shift.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I'll put in a call to General Hammond in Seoul...
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Get General Hammond down there in Seoul, tell him to send us those new surgeons right away.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: ...I hope he sends us those two new surgeons. We're sure gonna need'em.
SSgt. Vollmer: What was that, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: I gave everything to Radar.
SSgt. Vollmer: What?
Colonel Blake: Football game?
Gen. Hammond: Yeah, yeah, we put up a few bets, five thousand maybe, and have a little fun. Special services in Tokyo says it's one of the best gimmicks we've got to keep the American way of life going here in Asia.
Colonel Blake: Betting?
Gen. Hammond: No, football.
Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look.
[Hawkeye sits down with Frank]
Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...
Frank Burns: Mind your own business.
Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?
Duke Forrest: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?
Trapper John: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.
Duke Forrest: Ohhhh, is that a fact?
Hawkeye Pierce: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?
[Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]
Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!
Hawkeye Pierce: All right! I demand an explanation.
Hawkeye Pierce: Someone get that dirty old man out of this operating theater.
Col. Wallace C. Merril: [taken aback] Dirty old man? I'm Colonel Merrill.
Hawkeye Pierce: I don't care if you're Jack Armstrong, the All-American Boy. If this kid's chest gets infected, I will tell the congressman who did it.
Colonel Blake: [to Spearchucker Jones at the football practice] I had another idea. I think we should have some plays. You know, usually in football you have some organized plays...
Spearchucker: If you don't mind, I took the liberty.
Colonel Blake: Oh, you have...
Spearchucker: I drew up about seven or eight plays. I figure that's about all this bunch can handle.
Colonel Blake: Oh, these are good. These are very good. Uh, what are these little arrows?
Colonel Blake: Get everything out of the Jeep...
Radar: Don't worry about the Jeep. I'll change the numbers.
Colonel Blake: ...Oh, and change the numbers on that Jeep.
P.A. Announcer: Attention. Attention. Colonel Blake has secured for us The Halls of Montezuma.
P.A. Announcer: "So big, only the biggest of the screen can bring it to you all. Technicolor. Tell it to the Marines, those loveable lugs with wonderful mugs so we now love more than ever. Tell'em they're still the greatest guys in the world." Follow Lieutenant, Punchy, Limey, Babyface, Doc, The Poet, Pretty Boy and Slattery through some of the most interesting war films yet created.
P.A. Announcer: Attention. Attention. Friday night's movie will be The Glory Brigade. Rock'em sock'em kisses you never got. It's Uncle Sam's combat engineers charging side by side with Greek hand bags. Showing the world a new way to fight as they use bulldozers like bazookas, bayonnets like bazook - bullets. Starring Victor Mature. That is all.
Duke Forrest: What's this here?
Frank Burns: This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.
Duke Forrest: Oh, is that right? You reading the Bible, huh? That's nice. Look, I'll tell you what, I got a book here. It's got alot of pictures in it.
[Gives Ho Jon a nudie magazine]
Duke Forrest: I think it's easier to read when you look at pictures. A little adventure in pictures.
Ho-Jon: May I leave now, Major?
Frank Burns: Sure, Ho-Jon.
Frank Burns: What's that?
Duke Forrest: That's a martin-eye, Frank.
Hawkeye Pierce: Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?
Frank Burns: I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
Duke Forrest: I think we've been had, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye Pierce: I think you're right, babe.
Frank Burns: I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.
Duke Forrest: Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?
Hawkeye Pierce: [Frank begins praying] You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
Duke Forrest: No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.
P.A. Announcer: Attention. Attention. All non-commission off - -Attention, all non-commissioned officers will report for short-arm inspection at 0400. That is all.
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body. And if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns is an idiot. He has flipped his wig, that he's out of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh on the contrary, I have observed. And Major Burns is not only a good technical surgeon, he is a good military surgeon. I have also noticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address you as "Hawkeye".
Hawkeye Pierce: Yes because that's my name, Hawkeye Pierce.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Well that kind of informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh come off it, MAJOR! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm now going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch... And under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you... You're what we call a regular army clown.
P.A. Announcer: Attention. Due to a possible camp infection, Arlene Chu's Hollywood Grill is off limits. That is all.
P.A. Announcer: Attention camp compound. Urine specimens will be required from all pers... Uh... pe... Uh, disregard last transmission.
P.A. Announcer: Attention. Captain Banning - er, Captain Bandini.
P.A. Announcer: Attention. Captain Bandini is now performing a femoral po - a popli - a p - -a femoral P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L artery exp - exp - - exploration and possible graft.
P.A. Announcer: Attention. Attention, camp compound. Corporal Judson has informed the colonel's office that three cases of Amphetamine Sulfate are unaccounted for again. This is the third occurance of this type in the last month. It must stop by order of Colonel Blake's office, 4077th M*A*S*H unit.
Duke Forrest: What color was her hair?
Trapper John: Black, shiny. Shiny black hair.
Duke Forrest: Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself.
Hawkeye Pierce: I knew it. I knew you had a - - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan.
Trapper John: Hear, hear.
Duke Forrest: Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond.
Hawkeye Pierce: How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.
Duke Forrest: I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?
Hawkeye Pierce: You have yourself a bet, sir.
Hawkeye Pierce: You're my witness.
Trapper John: I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Duke Forrest: We... We gotta all see it together. Somehow.
Motor Pool Sergeant: [Hawkeye approaches a Jeep and sets his bag into it] What in the hell do you think you're doing?
Hawkeye Pierce: Huh? I was just - uh...
Motor Pool Sergeant: Just because you're a captain, don't think you run the joint. I run it.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah, all right, I'm just supposed to...
Motor Pool Sergeant: Yeah I know what you're supposed to do. Your driver will be with you shortly. He's having his coffee now.
Hawkeye Pierce: [whistles] Racist.
Motor Pool Sergeant: [Hawkeye and Duke make off in a stolen Jeep] Get on the horn! Get that son of a bitch! He just stole my Jeep!
[Driver runs past him, spilling his coffee]
Motor Pool Sergeant: Hey! Watch what the hell you're doing, will you?
Colonel Blake: Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.
Painless: I wasn't gonna fool around out here because I got these three girls I'm engaged to back home.
Hawkeye Pierce: And you wanted to be faithful to them. Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home, you're...
Painless: Well anyway, I took her out and... And I failed.
Hawkeye Pierce: You mean she wouldn't put out for you, eh?
Painless: No, she wanted to in the worst way but it was me. I just couldn't.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh you couldn't...?
Painless: No, it just wasn't happening...
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?
Duke Forrest: How long does this go on, Frank?
Frank Burns: It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for, and Captain Pierce's.
Trapper John: I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.
Capt. Peterson: [hostile tone of voice] What are you two HOODLUMS doing in this hospital?
Hawkeye Pierce: Ma'am, we are surgeons and we are here to operate. We just waiting for a starting time. That's all.
Capt. Peterson: You can't even go near a patient until Col. Merrill says its ok and he's still out to lunch.
Trapper John: Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch.
[turns to Hakweye]
Trapper John: Ham and eggs will all right.
[turns back to Capt. Peterson]
Trapper John: Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson: [outraged] Oh!
[turns to leave and bumps into Nurse in Japan]
Capt. Peterson: Oh! Fool!
[stomps out of ward]
Nurse in Japan: How do you want your steak cooked?
Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV: [in the middle of an operation] Who are you guys?
Hawkeye Pierce: [mock-British accent] I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually, and this is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
Trapper John: Grrrr!
Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV: Why don't you save that rapier-like wit for the clam-diggers back home, Hawkeye?
[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer]
Hawkeye Pierce: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?
Trapper John: A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce: [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce: I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry.
[sips from his glass]
Trapper John: Don't you guys use olives?
Duke Forrest: Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man?
Hawkeye Pierce: We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line.
Trapper John: Yes, but you really can't savor a martini without an olive, you know.
[reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives, while Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded]
Trapper John: You see, otherwise, it just doesn't... quite... make it.
[he drops the olive into the glass on the last word]
Trapper John: Finished work for the day?
Frank Burns: Yes. Why?
Trapper John: Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.
[Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in]
Trapper John: [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!
Colonel Blake: Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [incredulous] That's a *captain*?
Colonel Blake: What happened? Who started this?
Trapper John: I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!
Frank Burns: He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.
Frank Burns: I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
Colonel Blake: I'm tired of you guys trying to run this outfit. This time there's going to be disciplinary action.
Duke Forrest: What're you gonna do, Henry?
Colonel Blake: Well, I had planned to name Trapper Chief Surgeon, to consult on your shift and Frank's.
Duke Forrest: That's damn good thinking.
Colonel Blake: Yeah, but now I can't do it for at least a week.
Frank Burns: God meant us to find each other.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [enthusiastically, opening her blouse] His will be done.
Cheerleaders: Sixty-nine, is divine. Sixty-nine, is divine.
Cpl. Judson: Bastard, 88, called me a coon.
Spearchucker: Called you a what?
Cpl. Judson: Coon.
Spearchucker: OK, that's an old pro trick, to get you thrown out of the ball game.
Cpl. Judson: Well...
Spearchucker: Why don't you do the same thing to him?
Cpl. Judson: What, call him a coon?
Hawkeye Pierce: Duke?
Duke Forrest: [in the middle of a brain operation with Spearchucker] Uh... what is it?
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry's got our orders. We can go home.
Duke Forrest: Right now?
Spearchucker: Anytime! Whenever we want.
Spearchucker: [to Duke] You mind if we get out of this guy's brain first?
[to Hot Lips, about Frank Burns]
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body, and if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns... is an idiot.
Trapper John: Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had an average of about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals a year, and he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.
Trapper John: [after practicing golf shots on heli-pad with Hawkeye, a pilot along with Vollmer comes to talk to him] Lieutenant! You look terrible! Look at... Captain look at his eyes. Let me see your tongue.
[inserts cigar as thermometer]
Trapper John: Oh no, no, here take your shirt off and tell me where it hurts. I haven't seen a case like this since I was in school, oh my goodness. Listen, Vollmer, tell them to prepare for major surgery, this is one case in five, I think I can save you Lieutenant.
[handing lieutenant golf balls]
Trapper John: Lieutenant, I think I can save you. Look, take one of these every half hour, now get into your helicopter, and button up your shirt for crying out loud! You're in a military army!
Colonel Blake: [In the mess tent. Hawkeye and Duke stroll in and help themselves] Who are those men? Friends of yours, Murrhardt?
Capt. Murrhardt: No, sir, first time I ever seen them.
Capt. Bandini: Maybe those are the replacements.
Colonel Blake: Oh don't be silly. We're expecting some real sharp surgeons.
Capt. Bandini: I guess they just got separated from their unit and are looking for something to eat.
Colonel Blake: They got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food.
[Hawkeye and Duke sit down beside Lt. Dish]
Duke Forrest: [Sitting beside Lt. Dish, who is speaking to her friends] I think I'm in love. Uh,
Duke Forrest: Uh, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. I just got in to town and, uh, well, I thought maybe you could show me around.
Hawkeye Pierce: Captain, I think if you will notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married.
Colonel Blake: Well I'm the commanding officer and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Capt. Murrhardt: Boy, Bandini, they're eating in here because they want to.
Trapper John: [In O.R] Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
Duke Forrest: [Mulcahy is performing the last rites on a casualty] Hey, Dago! Dago! Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now! Please, come on, now!
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: Sorry, I'm coming.
Hawkeye Pierce: Hi, Dago.
Duke Forrest: I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell... Where the hell... Do ya see it?
Duke Forrest: [In O.R] I can't stop that bleeding down there.
Duke Forrest: Is that true what I hear about you? Get me a clamp. Get me a clamp.
Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider: Captain Pierce, did you call me?
Hawkeye Pierce: No, I didn't, and my name is Hawkeye.
Duke Forrest: I can't really see it. It's like the Mississippi River down there. Doesn't feel like it's in one piece, I can tell you that much. It's gotta come out of there. Give me some more of that gauze.
Hawkeye Pierce: Nurse, you got a clamp?
Hawkeye Pierce: Scratch my nose. A little harder.
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: [the camp is listening to Frank Burns and Hot Lips fooling around over the radio] Is this 'The Bickersons'? I love them.
Duke Forrest: Who?
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: The Battling Bickersons. I love them.
[Duke gives him a bewildered look]
P.A. Announcer: Attention. Captain McIntyre will give a lecture on blood and fluid replacement in the mess hall at 0800... Uh, correction... at 021... At 9:00 this evening.
Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: Anybody know if this is an officer or an enlisted man?
Hawkeye Pierce: He's an enlisted man.
Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: Make the stitches bigger.
Trapper John: If this guy knew the clowns who were operating on him, I think he'd faint.
Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: I think he has.
SSgt. Vollmer: Hey, wait a minute, you can't go in the colonel's office.
Hawkeye Pierce: That's who we're looking for, babe.
Frank Burns: You idiot, I said a cardiac needle!
Pvt. Lorenzo Boone: Do you want me to get a nurse?
Frank Burns: Too late, Boone, you killed him.
[Walks away; Boone starts to cry]
SSgt. Vollmer: How was your visit, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh fine, the general wasn't there.
SSgt. Vollmer: [the previous night the camp broadcast Burns and Houlihan's sexcapades over the P.A] Sir, about last night... well... there... there was nothing I could do.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [oblivious] Nothing you could do...
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well then it couldn't have been helped.
SSgt. Vollmer: Thank you, sir.
Duke Forrest: [Hawkeye stands beside a Jeep. Duke assumes he is the driver] Uh, 4077 M*A*S*H?
Hawkeye Pierce: This is the Jeep, yeah.
Duke Forrest: [Sets in his bag then gets in] 'Kay, let's go, boy. Get my other bag.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Hawkeye Pierce: Here we are, Officer's Mess. Perhaps you'd like to come in and take a small repast?
Duke Forrest: I don't think I could eat after that ride you just gave me.
Duke Forrest: [holds up a piece of toast dripping creamed chipped beef] You forgot your shingle, doctor.
Trapper John: But Hawkeye, that man has five times the man power to draw than we do.
Hawkeye Pierce: Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? We get Henry to apply, making a specific application for a neurosurgeon. He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
Duke Forrest: Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones...
Trapper John: Oh... who is...
Duke Forrest: Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?
Hawkeye Pierce: Better known as "Spearchucker" Jones.
Trapper John: He's a good ball player?
Duke Forrest: Oh yeah. He's that nigra that played for the 49ers. He's good. He's GOOD.
Spearchucker: I want to make sure the oozing is checked before I close up.
Duke Forrest: Damn perfectionist.
Colonel Blake: I think it's important we go over the three basic principles: organization, discipline, and team work.
Spearchucker: Excuse me, but do you mind if we limber up first?
Colonel Blake: Oh, th-that's a good idea. You organize that.
Radar: Did you finish the papers?
SSgt. Vollmer: What?
Radar: You don't know about the papers?
SSgt. Vollmer: What papers?
Radar: The colonel left some papers.
SSgt. Vollmer: Why didn't you tell me about the papers?
Hawkeye Pierce: Hot Lips, would you like to see these pictures of my kids?
Hotlips O'Houlihan: I'm not the slightest bit interested.
Trapper John: General, you can't blame Henry because Hot Lips can't stand her name.
Hawkeye Pierce: I know how we can make some money. We leave him...
[points to Spearchucker]
Hawkeye Pierce: out of the first half of the game, we bet half our money, they roll up some points. Now, second half of the game, we stick him in, we bet the other half of our money, we get odds from them, we clean up.
Colonel Blake: That's very good thinking, Captain.
Gen. Hammond: What kind of team is this? They're falling around like dead flies!
Colonel Blake: [blows whistle] Alright, men! we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice. But first, I'd like to officially welcome Spearchucker to our team. It is okay to call you that?
Spearchucker: Call me whatever you want to.
Colonel Blake: Good. Well, I just want you to know that we're all the same here on the playing field. Officers and men alike.
P.A. Announcer: Attention. Attention. May I have the camps' attention? This week's movie will be When Willie Comes Marching Home. Uh... The biggest parade of laughs of World War II. All the love, laughs and escapades of the Willies who came marching home. This film stars Dan Dailey, Corinne Calvet, and Colleen Townsend.