Kelly's Heroes (1970)
Pvt. Little Joe: Kelly's even got us armor support.
Big Joe: [facing Kelly] What armor?
Crapgame: [interrupting] Three Shermans from the 321st.
Big Joe: [still facing Kelly] Who's in command?
Crapgame: It's a top line outfit, I personally recommend these guys.
Big Joe: [turning to Crapgame] Now you butt out, hustler, the only time you come out of the ground is when you smell a profit.
Crapgame: Oh, yeah, well I'm comin' out now, because Kelly's got the perfect caper.
Big Joe: Sure for you it's a vacation. Six days out of seven you're behind the lines, we're at the broken end of a bottle all the time, so you, BUTT OUT!
[turning back to Kelly]
Big Joe: Who's in command?
Kelly: A guy named Oddball.
Big Joe: Oddball! He's a freak!
Kelly: He's got three Shermans all ready to go.
Big Joe: What kind of a guarantee is that? "He's ready to go." He's a nut!
Pvt. Jonesey: Well we're all nuts, or we wouldn't be here!
Kelly: Well Oddball, what do you think?
Oddball: It's a wasted trip baby. Nobody said nothing about locking horns with no Tigers.
Big Joe: Hey look, you just keep them Tigers busy and we'll take care of the rest.
Oddball: The only way I got to keep them Tigers busy is to LET THEM SHOOT HOLES IN ME!
Crapgame: Hey, Oddball, this is your hour of glory. And you're chickening out!
Oddball: To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Tigers.
Kelly: Nobody's asking you to be a hero.
Oddball: No? Then YOU sit up in that turret baby.
Kelly: No, because you're gonna be up there, baby, and I'll be right outside showing you which way to go.
Oddball: Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!
Oddball: Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
[Bellamy tells him he's behind enemy lines]
Oddball: So they tell me. Everybody round here is very friendly. Look, baby, I'm kinda hung up. I need sixty feet of bridge.
Bellamy: Hey, kid, they haven't got you in the nut ward again?
Oddball: Ah, Bellamy, for cryin' out loud. That's the the stinking, most awful, stupid joke and you're always pullin' that stinking awful stupid joke. You don't want in this thing, you don't get in this thing. I cut you out of everything. I don't need you. Sixty feet of bridge I can get almost anywhere. Schmuck!
Oddball: Crazy! I mean like so many positive waves maybe we can't lose! You're on!
Oddball: Hi, man.
Big Joe: What are you doing?
Oddball: I'm drinking wine and eating cheese, and catching some rays, you know.
Big Joe: What's happening?
Oddball: Well, the tank's broke and they're trying to fix it.
Big Joe: Well, then, why the hell aren't you up there helping them?
Oddball: [chuckles] I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work.
Big Joe: Christ!
Oddball: Definitely an antisocial type. Woof, woof, woof! That's my other dog imitation.
[the lone obstacle to the sought-after gold is a solitary tank guarding the bank]
Crapgame: Then make a DEAL!
Big Joe: What kind of deal?
Crapgame: A DEAL, deal! Maybe the guy's a Republican. "Business is business," right?
Oddball: This engine's been modified by our mechanical genius here, Moriarty. Right?
Moriarty: Whatever you say, babe.
Oddball: These engines are the fastest in any tanks in the European Theater of Operations, forwards or backwards. You see, man, we like to feel we can get out of trouble, quicker than we got into it.
Kelly: [looking skeptical] Got any other secret weapons?
Oddball: Well, yeah, man, you see, like, all the tanks we come up against are bigger and better than ours, so all we can hope to do is, like, scare 'em away, y'know. This gun is an ordinary 76mm but we add this piece of pipe onto it, and the Krauts think, like, maybe it's a 90mm. We got our own ammunition, it's filled with paint. When we fire it, it makes... pretty pictures. Scares the hell outta people! We have a loudspeaker here, and when we go into battle we play music, very loud. It kind of... calms us down.
Oddball: [looking at aerial pics of the a remaining bridge] Beautiful.
Moriarty: suppose the bridge ain't there?
Oddball: [groans] Don't hit me with them negative waves so early in the morning. Think the bridge will be there and it will be there. It's a mother, beautiful bridge, and it's gonna be there. Ok?
Oddball: [Later: Oddball is looking through binoculars at the bridge] Still up!
Oddball: [planes fly and bomb the bridge] ... No it ain't. See what sending out them negative waves did, Moriarty?
Moriarty: That ain't my fault, Oddball, I've done nothing but have good thoughts about that damn bridge ever since we left!
[Oddball sees that the bridge he wants to cross is intact and is pleased with himself]
Oddball: It's still up!
[a plane flies over the bridge and bombs it... direct hit]
Oddball: No it ain't.
Oddball: Who is that guy, Crapgame?
Crapgame: Him? Name's Kelly. Used to be a lieutenant, pretty good one, too, till they gave him orders to attack the wrong hill. Wiped out a half a company of G.I.'s. Somebody had to get the blame and he got picked.
Big Joe: ...There's no booze, there's no broads, there's no action!
Captain Maitland: That's another thing - don't fool around with the women. Their husbands carry guns. And don't forget, the penalty for looting is death.
Big Joe: Loot what? There's nothing here to loot!
[at a supply depot somewhere in France]
Oddball: We see our role as essentially defensive in nature. While our armies are advancing so fast and everyone's knocking themselves out to be heroes, we are holding ourselves in reserve in case the Krauts mount a counteroffensive which threatens Paris... or maybe even New York. Then we can move in and stop them. But for 1.6 million dollars, we could become heroes for three days.
Big Joe: [shouting in the radio] Look, Mulligan! I don't think I'm getting through to you! You're dropping your damn barrage on our position! The reason you can't hear me is because you're firing your mortars at your end, and they're dropping here, on our end! No, the Krauts are not here! We're here! Mulligan, your bombs are coming down on our head! I don't know where the Krauts are! Just lift your goddamn barrage! Over!
Big Joe: According to this map, we got a river to cross before we get into this town of yours.
Kelly: Yeah, well there's a bridge right here, six miles out.
Big Joe: There was a bridge. The Air Corps knocked every bridge out of that river months ago.
Kelly: A-ah. Intelligence reports that the Air Corps knocking'em out by day and the Germans rebuilding'em by night. Now all we have to do is get there tomorrow morning at dawn, and we got ourselves a bridge.
Big Joe: Oh, how about the German Army? Do you think they'd mind us crossing their bridge, eh Kelly?
Crapgame: [Muttering in the minefield] Coulda been in the States playing ping-pong; volleyball... Plenty of broads... Who the hell needs all this? Gonna get my knife & get the hell outta here. Eaaa, lousy equipment! Now I gotta lift up this CANNON; carry it all the way to the front line someplace. Damned thing is heavier that Kelsey's burgers!
Kelly: [after he finds the hidden gold bar in the Colonel's bag] Sit down on this bench. I want you to have a drink.
Col. Dumpkopf: Under the Geneva Convention...
Kelly: This isn't Geneva, Colonel.
[confronting the Tiger tank commander]
Big Joe: Look, Mac, you and us? We're just soldiers, right? We don't even know what this war's all about. All we do is we fight and we die and for what? We don't get anything out of it. In about a half an hour the whole American army's gonna be comin' down that road. Why don't you do yourself a great, big fat favor, huh? And get the hell outta here?
German tank commander: I have orders. This bank isn't to fall into the hands of the American army.
Kelly: Sergeant, this bank's not gonna fall into the hands of the American army. It's gonna fall in our hands. You see, we're just a private enterprise operation.
German tank commander: You... the American army!
Oddball: No, baby, we ain't.
Oddball: Arf arf arf... That's my other dog impression.
Big Joe: [shouting to the captured German Colonel] Look! We're not worried about the German army, we've got enough troubles of our own. To the right General Patton, to the left the British Army, to the rear our own goddamn artillery, and besides all that it's raining. And the only good thing to say about the weather: it keeps our air corps from blowing us all to Hell because its too lousy to fly, versteh?
Col. Dumpkopf: [he understands] Ja, ja, versteh.
Big Joe: OK.
Pvt. Cowboy: God almighty, you guys smell like you fell into a dung heap!
Crapgame: Kinda makes ya homesick, don't it?
Pvt. Willard: [to Pvt. Cowboy] You know it does, kinda ,don't it old buddy?
Crapgame: [into field phone] Hogan? Yeah, it's me. Listen... I gotta favor to ask ya. Will you quit cryin... I haven't even asked ya yet! What the Hell's the matter with you?
Crapgame: [Crapgame finds a mine in the minefield] Hey! I found one!
Big Joe: What kind is it?
Crapgame: The kind that blows up! How the Hell do I know what kind it is?
Pvt. Petuko: [running into camp after the air attack] Hey, what happened Joe?
Big Joe: What happened? Where the hell have you been?
Pvt. Petuko: [whispering] I had to go!
Big Joe: [shoves Petuko away] We all have to go!
Pvt. Willard: Big Joe, do I gotta carry all this equipment, and this satchel charge, and this .30-caliber machine gun too?
Big Joe: Nah, give the .30-caliber to the hustler. He wants to be a hero.
[Willard and Cowboy share a chuckle before Willard brings the machine gun to Crapgame]
Pvt. Willard: Here ya are, ol' buddy.
[walks away laughing]
Crapgame: Thanks! Get yourself a bucket of grits!
Oddball: To a New Yorker like you, a Hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on 3 Tigers.
Major General Colt: [to a room full of officers in reference to Kelly's outfit being behind enemy lines] You're the guys who are supposed to be fighting this battle, and you don't even know where in the hell it is! Well I'll *tell* you where it is! It's 30 miles beyond where you thought it was, Booker!
Oddball: [Sliding along the gun barrel to look out a small window] It's a mark six... And we've got it by the ass!
Crapgame: Hey, Oddball, this is your moment of glory. And you're chickening out!
Oddball: To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three tigers.
Big Joe: If I hear any more threats against Captain Maitland's life, if I hear any more wild talk about going down to headquarters and killing the General, or raping the nurses at the field hospital, I'm going to strangle the guy with my bare hands! You understand that?
Big Joe: Take that underwear off your head, enh? Enough is enough.
Oddball: Always with the negative waves Moriarty, always with the negative waves.
Big Joe: I thought I told you to bring me some good-looking kid, not this fat, sausage-chewing wino!
Kelly: Well, if you were looking for a young boy, you should have sent somebody else, Joe.
Big Joe: Now when I come back, I want that farmhouse not only clean but completely decorated. Do you understand that?
Pvt. Little Joe: It's Mulligan.
Big Joe: It's Mulligan! What the hell does he want?
Pvt. Little Joe: He says he's sorry.
Big Joe: [muttering] Sorry son of a bitch.
Pvt. Little Joe: [into the radio] Mulligan, Big Joe's a little upset right now, I think maybe you should leave town... Get out of the neighborhood... Right.
Big Joe: [a mortar round lands close, covering everyone in dust]
Big Joe: Mulligan, you son of a bitch...
Major General Colt: Get the hell out of here Bonzer, we got the game on.
Big Joe: I'm going to Battalion to see if I can get some dirty movies...
Crapgame: [about Oddball's Captain] He hasn't been reported as dead yet - I've been collecting his whiskey.
Big Joe: If I hear any more threats against Capt Maitland's life. If I hear any more wild talk about going to headquarters and killing the general, or raping the nurses at the field hospital I'm gonna strangle the guy with my bare hands! You understand that?
Oddball: [Sliding along the gun barrel to look out a small window] It's a Mark VI... And we've got it by the ass!
Crapgame: What is this? Huh? What is this, a ballgame? Who are these guys?
Oddball: Their my friends, Crapgame.
Crapgame: And who is that bunch of refugees over there?
Oddball: The band.
Crapgame: The band? What do we need a band for?
Oddball: Have a little faith, Crapgame. They're beautiful people.